Thighs Wide Shut

CUTHBERT DIED!!!!

Good thing I aint talkin bout Her Royal Thighness the II!!

– AP: What is with peopleÂ’s obsession with your breasts? Lohan: God. I donÂ’t know. TheyÂ’re real though. More here.

– Speaking of… A Dutch actress who posted x-rays of her boobs on her website to prove they are natural has been accused of breaking the law.

– Red Hook residents are growing weary about Field Day Fest 2005 cause of some incidents caused after the last big concert the city held in 2001. C’mon people, it’s a good thing when condoms and syringes are found in children’s sandboxes! Dem kids need to learn about the good life early on!

– I know they bow to the Queen, but to queens as well?

– For once, being a red state is a good thing! [via N Diana]

– Steve Hartman, 60 Minutes Wednesday‘s resident putz bag, usually delivers some of the wurstest slice of life and gripe stories known to man. I pray that when Andrew Rooney czechs out on us, they don’t dare replace em with Cpt Lame-o. Anywho, I have to give the man some props (just this once!) for his piece about his father and the technology of today. Unfortunately, it worked much better as a video segment, than as a written piece.

– Anti-Bullying rubber bracelets. Not such a grand idea when the bully’s are beating dem kids wearing em.

– Bobby Darin, the subject of Kevin Spacey’s next joint, used to wear condoms on stage whilst he performed.

– Is any Ewok action figure ever worth $900? Even if it is a prototype?

– Man Allegedly Assaults Clerk With Burger.

– City Rag Doll stumbles upon the set of Spielberg’s War of the Worlds in upstate NY.

– One of the firms maintaining the London Underground is being forced to buy spare parts on eBay cause the equipment is so old. EEEK!!

– Wanna keep yer sperm count high? Don’t use a laptop!

– All things 37.

– Rock out!

– Peace the fork out Dimebag Darrell! Whoever the fork you was!

– Closer confirms what everyone already knows: Julia Roberts also looks like Falkor and that there aint no one in this world more beautifulistic than Natalie Portman. Full review on that and 3246,5,2689,03 other flicks forthcuming. Be patient. [via Grambsy]

– Could this really be Lohan’s black AMEX and driver’s license? And is this really an email by the person who found dem items? Btw, besides the song ‘Rumors’, her debut album kinda blows. But maybe I should listen to it at least once w/out Jergen’s and Kleenex in hand.

– The Chrismukkah wars are heating up between Warner Bros (producers of The O.C.) and that poser in Montana who’s ripping off the show. Either way, don’t buy any of that crap… especially the CD that contains ZERO Channannananukah tunes or the Chrismukkah Yarmuclaus. So forking treyf (un-kosher).

– Jeremy Irons (Jeremy’s Iron?), inspired by Paris Hilton, wants to make a sex tape.

– Paris, inspired by herself, has entitled her debut album Screwed. I’m sure her rendition of ‘Fame’ will be better than Bowie’s.

– First lookage at Peter Jackson’s King Kong here. [via G Fiddler]

– The Photo Booth Directory.

– Scientists add crabs to Chesapeake Bay in an attempt to regenerate the population. That’s good news for Klauder’s Krab Feast XIII.

– Baby Spice, aka Emma ‘cute as a’ Bunton , is set to conquer America. I mean, isn’t it about time we started bringing back non us hotties to pop music and not these homegrown sideshows?

– John Lennon peaced the fork out 24 years ago today. FORK YOU Mark David Chapman! You gave nothing to the world, yet took so much away from it.

– The talentless twins, Joan & Melissa Rivers will once again be hitting up the red carpets, starting with the Golden Globes. Where’s Mark David Chapman when you need him?!?!

– Ouch!

– Yesterday, I found out that I’m allergic to cockroaches and dust mites. And to make us all rest easier, millions of dust mites live in and around our beds. At least I aint allergic to cheeseburgers AND hot blondes.

– If Cuthy had a beard and was covered in microwaved gefilte fish, I’d probably still do her. It would also give me a good eggscuse to shave her. [pic via Tony’s CPU]

– And in honor of the Festival of Boring: IU’s Jews broke the Terps’ Jews’ ‘whirled’ record for twirling the most dreidels simultaneously. That still doesn’t make up for the shalacking my hometown boys put on my alma mater! [via Navi]

– Still looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How bout this or this? [via Pure Boy/Karnov Fan Club Pres]

– Juss in case you missed it in the comments section, be sure and watch Cuthy Cuthbertensenjansen in the make-up chair AND talk about how lame her 24 character was! I cant bee leave she isn’t on the upcoming season. I was so looking forward to seeing her being chased by giraffes!! [via Tony’s CPU]

– Anytime Kornheiser uses ‘Les Boulez’ or ‘LaSooz’ in an article, most likely yer in for a treat.

– The fourth annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival is set for June 10 – 12, 2005. Time to start stocking up on patchouli!!!

– Dat’s a whole lotta swizzle sticks!

– Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis to you too!

– The duet to end all duets: Damon Albarn and Dennis Hopper!?!?

– The reunion tour no one has been waiting for: Motley Crue

– Ferguson Named New Host ‘Late Late Show’. Who? Robert Ferguson?

– Hilton’s crotch. Beyonce’s crotch. I don’t think I’ll ever look at microwaved tuna the same again. [via City Rag Doll]

– The Winner of the SAT tackles The F$#kability of The Golden Girls! Here’s Part 1 & Part 2.

– Neue Yawkers, this bee a free screening worth screening: Hotel Rwanda.

– Police, help us! Someone stole our pot! [via Hoosier for Life]

– Lohan lip syncs. Lohan doesn’t want to lip sync. Lohan likes using sinks.

– I mean, who doesn’t want ‘Thigh Master loves you‘ written on their M&Ms?

– Grammys shmammammays.

– I usually don’t post any corrections, but one of our fine readers, Stephen Rossensen, pointed out two things that I neglected to mention in my brief rant about Vin Dizzle’s latest joint: 1) it’s blatant re-hash of Mr Nanny starring Hulk Hogan AND 2) it’ll be a duel to the death for wurstest movie of the year along side The Son of The Mask.

– Things I Love About Japan, like Boong Ga Boong Ga. [via The Excrementalist]

– And did you ever wanted to look at a pictorial of someone giving a mouse an enema? Then go ahead you sick-o-path, click away! [via Boston Baked Beanhead]

Oh Cuthy Cutbertonson. What a wild time we had on yer B-day the other night, right? Remember when Stephen Dorff showed up and we couldn’t stop talking about how umcredible he was in S.F.W.? Or how bout when we went home, got decked out in our birthday suits and went wiz-niz-wild on each other for 14 straight hours? Those Dirty Sanchezes, Kansas City Car Washes, Albuquerque Caber Tosses, and dem Iron Curtain Sirprizes were some of the breastest that me have ever been a part of. And how thoughtful of you to give me a gift on yer special day: dying yer hair back to the correct color. You deserve an even bigger night out doll face. First we’ll hit up yer fav Popeyes, then we’ll play in the ball bin at Chuck E Cheeseseses, and finally head home for even more dirty blonde action, whilst watching the Punky Brewster DVD collection that I bought you for yer B-day. Anywho, czech out these very uninterestinging snaps I took from the sha-bang. [via Central Villa]

– Tits rather sad that there’ll won’t be a Lord of The Bling flick in theaters this winter, but I think the extended special version of ROTK will help to pass the time… especially since 50 minutes have been added!!! Czech out this extended preview of the extended edition that helps my wang get extended. I mean, who knew that Faramir was such a mack daddy with my girl Miranda HOTto?

– I contact Wagamama once a year asking them to purty please open a branch in the US. And this year’s response is much like year’s past: “We do intend to go to the states but there are no official plans as we already have a very busy opening schedule this year.” Boo URNS peoples! I need yer help, so please contact Wagamama and demand quality slurping noodles NOW! Btw, Noodles is lord!

– Jessica Simpson looking to Bjork for inspiration? Thats like Chef Boyardee looking to Wolfgang Puck for some helpful hints… then again, he can get some of those from Heloise.

– Cereal: The Bar AND Cafe! [via Made of Brawnsteeeen]

– ESPN: The Phone Service!

– Spaceballs: The Flamethrower!

– Is any Martini really worth $10,000? Or how bout any hooker? I meant snooker table.

– Add lava lamps to the growing list of unusual murderererers.

– Will this be The Breast Christmas Ever? I dunno, will it?

– The top 10 words of the year based on searches of Merriam-Webster Web sites be: 1. blog 2. incumbent 3. electoral 4. insurgent 5. hurricane 6. cicada 7. peloton 8. partisan 9. sovereignty and 10. defenestration. What? No love for heteroflexible or mobnoxious? [via Fleaski]

And here are three fine job ops for you…

– Wanna be the next member of the Gorillaz? Click here for more info.

– Wanna be that guy/girl who replaces that hot chick from Jeopardy!’s Clue Crew? Click here.

– Wanna be my bitch intern? Email me here.