Thighs Wide Shut

Casino Royale
More of A Turn Than A Flop, So Let This River Flow
Trailers & much mo

Like the Redskins looking to the future with Jason Campbell at the helm, the other biggest entertainment franchise of franchises has also decided to breathe much needed life into their own stale bag of chips. The name you know. It’s such an obvious name that the theme song to our her00’s latest adventure is simply called, ‘You Know My Name’. Bond, James Bond (for those who just arrived on planet earth), and before dirty blond/steely-blue eyed Daniel Craig got the starting nod from coaches Barbara Broccoli & Michael G. Wilson, this ship was headed for an iceberg or even worse, a Goldberg (I wonder if Kramer hates Jews too?)! Hell, one more Pierce Brosnan snoozefest and they coulda dropped the ‘7’ and juss leave us with Robert Parish’s jersey number, not just one zero, but two, showing you how devoid of greatness Bond had become.

Well, the wait is over and said wait was well worth it. And besides Thomas Crown the II being shown the door, the other single greatestest aspect of Casino Royale‘s release is that we can stop seeing the word ‘reboot‘ appear in magazines, newspapers, and whathaves you until they decide to ‘reboot’ the Leonard Part 6 franchise (btw, even though I have 2.6% filmmmmaking skills, I still want to write and direct Leonard Parts I-V as one movie!). This relief even tops my disdain for the use of the word ‘editrix’ when critics were reviewing The Devil Wears Prada [see TWS.org review for DIS-dain!]. And while the gadgets are gone, the rest of the stuff one would eggspect is tailor made (but not by one in Panama): ruthless European villian with bleeding eye (check), a cool Felix Lighter (check PLUS for bringing Jeffrey Wright into the mix), and saucy saucy biddies with more than juss boobies (what, u didn’t fap that shit yet?).

So with the good, there’s always gotta be bad: 2hr 24min. Shave 45 minutes off this baby and you have the bestest Bond flick since the Connery days. Keep it the same length and you have the bestest since The Living Daylights. Oh what, you a T Dalton hater? Thought so. OK, bestest one since Max Zorin was pimp of the blimp. Either way, Daniel Craig rules the school and does it look like I give a damn… about run times?!

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix the TWS.org Breast In Show stamped Layer Cake [trailer] DUVHS!

Possible Porno Name: Cunt Sea Knows Roy’s A$$

Cameow: yep, that awfully smiley bearded man that you can barely see making his way thru Miami airport’s security is none other than Virgin gazillionaire Richard Branson, who also somehow netted a cameo in Superman Returns

Apt MPupil3: ‘The Gambler‘ [d] by Kenny Rogers, but not his rotisserie chicken

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Major Peepers

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Little Children
A Field Day
Trailer

Tis so fitting that actor turned director Todd Field probably made his mos memorable screen appearance as piano man Nick Nightingale in Kubrick’s final work, Eyes Wide Shut. His directorial debut In The Bedroom not only reeks of brilliance and updog, but of Kubrick himself. Like Stan The Man, Field has a great sense of film pacing, in a way that it leaves the viewer constantly unsettled, yet glued to their seats. But unlike Kubes, Field works more in the mundane and not the spectacle, yet he somehow turns the mundane into a spectacle. And with his second feature, Little Children, Field continues to show why he should be considered one of the America’s brightest talents (hispecially since Sofia Coppola’s star is on the verge of losing its luminance).

Children‘s mundane tale, spelled out by a continuous sardonic voice over by Fronline‘s Will Lyman, deals with the affair between an unhappy housewife and an unhappy househusband. The usual spouse-cheating events are thrown up on the screen (and yes, since Kate Winslet is in it, there’s a 98% chance she will show her boobs… and yes, she does), but it’s the extra curricular activities filling up the rest of the picture, like that of the juss released from prison pedophile (Kelly Leak/Jackie Earle Haley) adjusting to a community that fears him, that is the ticket, and that is what sets this one apart from the rest of the by the numbers infidelity films that come out year after year. In a bustanutshell, you won’t feel cheated by this cheating

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Unfaithful [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: Little Children of the Porn

Entertainment Meekly: the mag that I love to hate, but cunt stop readin profiles Kelly Leak’s return to filmdom after being a cellar dweller for as long as the Bad News Bears were w/o Coach Morris Buttermaker

Apt MPupil3: ‘Running Scared‘ [d] by Roy Orbison

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

Babel
A Towering Achievement
Trailer

Alejandro González Iñárritu’s geographical head and heartache Babel has been compared to everything from Crash to Traffic to any other modern politically-charged piece that intertwines stories that seem loosely connected, but really aren’t as loose as yer mum’s ‘gina. While the stories in Babel are barely connected, the film as a film is butter than anything it’s been compared to. While some see fault in these loose associations making up a complete picture, I, on the other hand, have no issue with it at all, cause to me, the three separate tales concurrently running against each other are so personal and so fascinating that they could stand alone as three movies I’d want to see (the sexual charged Japanese deaf girl tickled my fancy the most and the moist). And the breastest part of it all is that Brad Pitt & Cate Blanchett are barely in it, so the peoples who forked over 10+ bones to see juss them will leave with more than they bargained for. And for 10+ bones, we all get an effin bargain for a franztastic world trip at our local cinematorium

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Iñárritu’s Amores Perros [trailer] cause I’m purty sure a majority of you xenocinefilephobes never saws it

Possible Porno Name: Babs Rang My Bell

Get Yer Cuar-ón: loved u some Gael García Bernal & Diego Luna in Alfonso Cuarón’s Y tu mamá también, well the three are in talks to re-team for México ’68, a tale of student revolt in the summer of said year, and if that wasn’t enuff, the two taco heartthrobs will both appear in Alfonso’s brother’s joint about fútbol, Rudo y Cursi

Apt MPupil3: ‘We Are The World‘ [d] by everyone AND their mother!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

The Bridge
A Troubled Bridge Over Water
Trailer

The Golden Gate bridge is not only a thang of unheralded man-made beauty, but also the most popular destination for suicide in our world. The bridge’s odd ying-yang personality prompted filmmakers Eric Steel and Raymond Wood to roll 2 separate cameras for every day of 2004. They ended up capturing almost all of the 2 dozen deaths, and the failed attempts as well. And while we get a lot of insight into why some of these unhappy folk did what they did, thru endless interviews with their family and friends or in the one case, a survivor(!), we also get to see the plunges firsthand. That may sound about as delightful as watching all four Faces of Death back to back, but I guarantee that you too will experience the mos uncomfortable thrill of watching these people end their lives, with no big splatters, blood, or guts anywhere in sight. A week’s gone by, but I haven’t been able to shake this doc from my mind. For a very private moment in someone’s life, I got to take a peep in. Seems a bit unfair, but isn’t the whole point of cinema voyeurism?

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Hitch’s SF set tale Vertigo [trailer]

IMDb Sweeney: co-director Steel produced the random trio of Angela’s Ashes, Bringing Out the Dead, and the Samuel L versh of Shaft

Apt MPupil3: I know this is wiggida wiggida wack, but Kriss Kross’ ‘Jump‘ [d]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The Bridge opens this Friday in NYC, LA, Chi-town, and snatch, SanFran

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…

The Departed
Martin Scores Easy
Trailer

The Departed departs from Marty’s recent slate of overbloated spectacles (The Aviator [TWS.org review] & Gangs of Boo York) and returns the master to the part of him where he always excels: the mean streets. One part Mystic River (underbelly of Boston) and one part Heat (two big stars, Damon & DiCaprio, finally facing off in a movie, but only for one scene), The Departed is all parts thumbcredible, while those other two films aforementioned are not partly, but fully overrated. Part of The Departed‘s success has to do with its scrumptious cast (even with hometown boy Matt Damon’s somehow awful Boston accent), the other part is its solid story (can’t go wrong with a remake of the already popular Hong Kong flick Mou Gaan Dou, which I refused to see ahead of time so I could give Marty my un-len-biased opinion). Marty, I love yer ambition, but tis time to let go of the epics and keep on keepin on with these shoot em up pictures dat everyone loves. Of course yer allowed to do whatever you want to do, until death do us part.

Not So New Kid On The Block: yes, that FBI agent was indeedy-do Marky Mark and Donnie’s bro Robert

Lord of The Thighs: Besides Balthazar Getty and The Departed‘s James Badge Dale (aka, that jerk off that got to pretend he waz bangin Cuthbest), no other young cast member from the 1990 version of The Lord of the Flies really went on to do anything. Howevs, Danuel Pipoly (1/3 of the way down the page), who portly played the portly Piggy, has kept busy by remaining single and counting down the days until his 10 year high school reunion

Apt MPupil3: Marty’s go to jingle ‘Gimmie Shelter’ by The Rolling Stones [duh] which was also featured in both Goodfellas AND Casino

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The Queen
Have No Frears, Cause Mum’s The Word, Yo!
Trailer

Helen Mirren juss seems like the kinda Dame that’s already won an Oscar, but alas, she hasn’t, and jeremy shockingly has only been nominated twice (Gosford Snoozepark & The Madness of George Bush) in her illustrious career. Well, the hype is all tru about her stunning and career best performance as Queen Elizabeth in the aftermath of Princess Di’s death in director Stephen Frears’ own career bestest work, and if balls go well, she’ll frynally be walking away with a lil golden guy, alongside Forrest Whitaker. And while Dame HM is mos def the show, her spotlight is practically stolen by Michael Sheen’s nuanced and beyond brilliant take on the newly minted at the time Prime Minister Tony Blair. The two play such a fine game of royal and commoner chess that to you I muss say check (this out) mate!

IMDb Sweeney: loves you some more of where this came from? Then watch Frears and Sheen’s first Blair outing, UK TV stizz, The Deal, which also came from the pen of Peter Morgan, who also dizzle dazzled The Last King of Scotland and the upcoming movie known in no circles as Scartalie Porthansson: The Movie

Queen For A Lay: I think it’s safe to say that Dame Mirren is the only actress to have portrayed 5 queens and appeared in her NSFW suit in 6+ flicks (why lord or lord is there no Age of Consent NSFW DVD avails on planet mirth?)

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

The Science of Sleep
He’s So Dreamy
Trailer

Many directors will throw things in a movie cause theythinks it will look ‘cool’, but only one can truly get away with it in this day in rage: Michel Gondry. With his fabtastic work in music video and few gene wilderly imaginative and playful features, Gondry has earned a license to be eccentric. And for that reason, anything he outputs is kevin duckWORTH a gander, even if they’re a giant incomprehensible mess like The Science of Sleep. Somewhere between a full length version of the Dali infused dream sequence from Hithcock’s Spellbound and his own video for Bjork’s ‘Human Behaviour‘, Gondry takes us on a dizzying journey that I still can’t figure out whether I want first class tickets for or to be the first to jump off the plane. So if you plan on embarking on this one, best to bring a parachute, Justin Case

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Fellini’s mindbender 8 1/2, which should not be confused with 8 1/2 Mile [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: The Tight Pants of Sleaze

Takin It In The Cannes: yer days and lays are #ed Virginie Ledoyen
& Queen of French NSFW dressing, Ludivine Sagnier, cause there’s only one femme that I want to wee oui all over, Emma de Caunes [peep her NSFW perkies]

until next thyme, the balcony is clothed…