Thighs Wide Shut

Dig!

Dug Dig!? Yep, Dig! Dug!

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This udderly fascinating and engaging documentary peers in at one of mod rock’s greatest rivalries that no one even knows eggsists: The Brian Jonestown Massacre vs The Dandy Warhols. Director Ondi Timoner followed each of the bands for seven grueling years, on a shoe-string budget, and had unlimited access to all the partying, fighting, arrests, and the unrelievable music that kept them movin’ fwd. The focal point of the doc is on both bands’ frontmen, BJM’s Anton Newcombe and DW’s Courtney Taylor (who’s a Bitched @ Swirth candidate with actor Jonathan Rhys-Meyers). At first the two were the breastest of friends (some say BFF), but as the Dandy’s star was on the rise to the mainstream, the Brian Jonestown cru refused to leave the underground, paving a way for bitterness and a rivalry that only Anton seemed to care about. And what happened in between is beautifullyistically captured for us to see. Now it’s really hard to make a bad documentary, unless of course yer name is Nick Broomfield, but Timoner is pretty f-in ingenious to give us 2 in 1. 2004 has not only been a frantastic year for documentaries, but specifically for musical ones. Metallica’s made us sympathize with a band we could care less for, KROQ’s Rodney Bingenheimer’s made us whimper for a man we had no idea was important, and Dig! reminded us that beyond the record sales and flashy videos, the mostest important thing in music is the music itself and if it’s any good. In the cases of The Brian Jonestown Massacre and The Dandy Warhols, the answer is yes, two times over.

Other notes:

– Ex-BJM tambourine man, Joel Gion, is the coolest cat in the entire world. He also has the finest taste in shades.

– Dandy Zia McCabe’s breasts are quite hypnotizing. Bovs dem beauties til dawn.

– Lamp-chomp sideburns need a 4th coming

– Ex-BJM bassist, Matt Hollywood should play John Lennon in a movie

– Don’t bother buying the BJM’s albums, as you can download them all off their website fo free!

– SEE THE FRIGGIN FLICK OR I’LL KICK YOU IN THE HEAD LIKE MY NAME WAS ANTON NEWCOMBE!!

Open Water

I’m Never Leaving Land Again

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I never found The Blair Witch Project all that scary. Maybe cause it BLEW DONKEY BALLS, but also cause I couldn’t buy into the whole boogey man factor. On the flipsyde, with about the same Bar Mitzvah video budget, we have Open Water. This is a highly realistic, albeit horribly acted, albeit one scene with boobies, and harrowing film about two people left for dead in the middle of the ocean. It also doesn’t hurt that it was based off a true story. The entire time, I kept saying to me-self, “Brain, what the fudge would we do in this situation?” But who cares about me, just stay out of the water and see this moovie. And the ending may sirprize you. (OK, they wash up on a shore, become friends with a beach ball, and build a 4 story house out of FedEx boxes… WHOOPS, did I just give it away?)

The Last Shot

They Should Have Given The Script A Few More Shots

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Everything was in place for an enjoyable night at the movies: Based on a true story (I’m a sucker for those), Alec Baldwin’s producer-hungry FBI agent squaring off with hapless writer/director Matthew Broderick, Calista Flockhart giving us our first Flockhard-on (or should that be Ally McBoner?), Tony F-in Shalhoub (!), and Buck Henry donning a wig that made em look like Gus van Sant. How could this not be supercalifragilelisticexbealadocious? Plain and nipple simple, the laffs were too between far and few and far between. Toni Collette peeing in a bottle? That’s like ditching “I didn’t do it” for “Woozle Wuzzle“. “That’s what passes for entertainment these days?

Alphaville

We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

If It’s The Last Thing We Ever Do

Black & White. French. About the future but looks more like the 50s. Sounds like a snoozefest, right? Yep, pretty much. Many hail this Jean-Luc Godard flick as a classic, well, eye moz certainly aint part of this many, mo, or jackshitcrap. It’s big on ideas, but there are 847238548657 other futuristic films that relay the same message, and they’re not as incomprehensible or in French! Netflix his masterpeace Contempt instead. At least in that one you get to see every inch of Brigitte Bardot’s succulent body.

– Peace the fork out to Russ Meyer. You gotta love a man who was more obsessed with boobs than me!! I mean his first feature was called The Immoral Mr. Teas for crying out loud. Bovs.

– FUGEES REUNITE (!!!!) at Chappelle’s Block Party!!! Pras can now finally pay his electric bill.

– Cat Stevens Yusuf Islam banned from the US. Probably cause he hasn’t had a decent album since the 70s. [via Navi]

– Barbara Walters bids adieu to John Stossel and his mustache this Friday on 20/20. And bless the men in suits who OKayed this muy bonita chica as her replacement! I wanna run my dedos thru her pelo all noche long.

– Baseball may be coming back to DC! Get a life or a real city Northern Virginia.

– Preview the new R.E.M. album [via ProductShoppeeNYSea]

– Flavor Flav is making it safe once again to wear Viking helmets.

– I wonder what the reserve price was for Mother Nature’s Undercarriage? [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The mostest flamboyant (read: flaming dr poophole) man ever that also happens to look like Emo Phillips and happens to make fairy costumes can be found here. He makes the Tron Guy look like Jude Law. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– There’s a pre-sale for The Used show at Roseland tomorrow at 10am. The password is ‘memories’

– George Bush covers ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’. [via My Man Marvkus via Black Table via con dios]

– We’re the 3rd most popular link when searching for ‘grundle ball sweat’. My parents must be so proud!!

– When life hands Evan Dando a lemon, I guess he decided it was time to make a new Lemonheads album. Good, cause I’m dying to know if Ray is still shameful after all these years.

– Hilton/Lohan 2004: The T-Shirt!?!?!! Crapsticks!!! Someone beat me to the punch. Anyone interested in Lohan/Dukakis ’08 shirts I have in the works? Also, does anyone know of a better tee place that CafePress?

– Speaking of H.R.Thighness, here’s the only pic I could find of Lohan on the cover of GQ.

– To hell with the Rock, this chick is the real Scorpion King. By the weigh, if yer a Scorpio like me, you rule the world, but you probably already know that.

– Lettuce juss say that this guy wouldn’t make the cut for the animated gif-ted and talented class. [via Penna Pastahead]

– Watch the boy in the background (NSFW) [via Lil White Chapel]

– Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for Monkey. Now that’s love!

– Breastest Lohan headline EVER: Dad Defends Daughter’s Breasts. And probably the wurstest thing about being Lohan’s daddy is being able to talk about her (joe e) ta-tas, but not being able to draw a map of Hawaii on them.

– t.A.T.u. admit they don’t drink from the furry cup and that their ‘new’ look and act will be ‘hotter than ever before‘. How is that possible if they plan on ‘getting rid of their skimpy school uniforms‘? Maybe they’ll wear bras made of cream cheese and panties made of their own pubic hair! In the same article, there’s talk of an Office spin-off with secretary Dawn and everyman Tim. [via StereoBritKnee]

– Heard about the banned Streets video for “Blinded By The Lights”? Well, czechs it out here: Windows Media jounks or Real Player stizzups. [1st link via U of Grambsy]

– Typing about Grambs, what the deli-yo wit dis: Whatev.org?

– Rest in peace MisShapes, cause yous just got the NYThymes treatment. And who the hell is this Sarah Lewitinn Spinstress anywayzit? I dunno, but I hear she’s been so much fun since she started blogging again. Wink wink, nudge nudge, dig doug. [via Chillary & Cewebrity]

– Astralwerks Showcase for the CMJ-A-Thon, starring The Concretes, VHS or BETA, Sondre Lerche and The Golden Republic, Thursday, October 14th @ Bowery Ballroom. More details to come soon….

– Kerry may not have a plan, but he does have a brain. I don’t think the other guy does. See here.

– Da Da Vinci Code gotz banned in Lebanon. Dang, I guess Rony will have to buy all the copies for the rest of the Seikaly clan.

– What the fudgecicles is this crap? NICKEL PLEASE!!! When did the gov-mint decide that TJ should look like one of the half-assed drawn cartoon characters in Bass/Rankin’s bastardization of The Hobbit? I blame Bush. Vote Lohan/Dukakis in November. [via Kid Kadoji]

– Liam Gally-grrrrrrrr and Ricky Gervais team up to re-record David Brent’s ‘hit’ single, “Free Love Freeway”. [via GoldenFiddleFaddle]

– Here’s an interesting idea: Dude finds a camera’s memory card in a taxi and posts one of the pictures each day and narrates as if he was the person who actually took the photos. He calls it: I Found Some Of Your Life. [via Cefarooney]

– The most pointless event to look forward to in 2005: 26th Annual Mooning of Amtrak. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– Bid on HAL 9000 leftovers or a knife from The Shining. [via Navi the Barbarian]

– Vertically challenged girl who loves boning and can ‘suck a basketball through a garden hose‘ is looking for some companionship. Inquire within. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Looks like Miss Alabama’s website was created circa 1995.

– Retrocrush reveals the 50 Coolest Monkeys! Grape Ape got the shaft.

– Roger Ebert finally gets himself a real website… well sorta. And judging by this picture, he loves the band L7… well sorta.

– What’s this Jude Law Alfie remake all about? All I know is that he gets to bang Susan Sarandon and you can see it fo free!

– This be My Man Marvkus’ favorite wurstest local commercial (Windows Media). It’s quickly becoming mine too.

– I’ve had bad milkshakes before, but this is recockulous!

– Click here for a nasty ole NSFW animated gif.

– My Other Jesus is a Camaro: The T-Shirt [vonce again from Zach de la R]

– And here’s some questions that make my anal itch: Can you use diesel fuel instead of regular gas? What the fudge is Bill Watterson doing? And seriously, Who Is Harry Crumb?

Ray

OutFoxxing The Competition

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Write this down folks, cause at Le Academia Awards next year, Jamie Foxx will walk up to the podium and accept the Best Male Actor Oscar for his performance as Ray Charles in the masterful biopic Ray. He isn’t an actor in this film, he’s a Transformer like Optimus Prime. Cept he doesn’t transform into a diesel truck, but love actually into Ray Charles. This performance has to be seen to be-leafed. And what a perfect tribute to the man himself who just passed away this past June at the age of 73. And I can’t bee leave for one second that any other movie that gets released between now and Oscar time will contain a single performance this unrelievable, and I don’t think Foxx will ever hand in a performance this recockulas for the rest of his long career, and the only other memorable performance that remotely sticks out in my mind from 2004 is Jon Heder’s performance as Napoleon Dynamite, and this run-on sentence will end now… or will it?

I also gotta give oodles of props de leon to the casting department for enlisting the acting pork chops of BOTH Curtis ‘Booger’ Armstrong & Warwick ‘Wicket/Willow’ Davis in effective dramatic bit roles. Oh, Booger, what in the Right Said Fred happened to you? For you were the most under used and wasted talent that Hollywood ever produced. The writing was all over the wall of yer geniusness when you traded barbs as Herbert Viola with Agnes DiPesto on TV’s Moonlighting. Cue Al Jarreau music. One last question Booger, why are you a member of the gang of Elusive Bicyclists?

Star 80

Bob Fosse Lives For Wet T-Shirt Contests

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Yep, you read that right, Broadway golden boy Bob Fosse directed a movie that contained a wet t-shirt contest. But the biopic Star 80 isn’t about many a soaked boobies, but only the boobies and bushland of 1980’s PMOY, Dorothy Stratten, who was killed at the hand of her loser husband/pseudo-pimp, cooked to well done perfection by Eric Roberts.

And can you imagine anyone better to play an absolute sleazeball than Julia’s brother? It also doesn’t hurt that he sports a porno mustache. Other reasons to czech this out: you get to see many a minutes of Mariel Hemingway’s boobies, Cliff Robertson’s take on Hef, and a young Keenen Ivory Wayans playing a comic doing a “White man does this, black man does this…” kinda schtick.

Before Sunrise

A Vienna Sausage Fest

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I was avoiding this flick like the plague for years. Probably cause Ethan Hawke’s mid-nineties faux-tee really bothered me back then. But I owe it to Ethan to watch it. I mean, I worked on his directorial debut (good luck trying to find the name Thigh Master on that crew list). And me armor Julie Delpy (pro-noun-ced, Jew-lee Dell pea). I often wonder why our good friends over at NonUsHotties.8k.com have never added her to their prestigious list. So after finally giving in, I’m smacking myself for waiting too long to see this sucker. What a gem this Linklater joint is. It was so cute and precious, that I slept with the DVD in my arms that night. I am an eager beaver cleaver to be seeing the Sunset sequel, as the ending of Sunrise was so open ended. And plus Delpy’s voice makes me want to pour lemon and sugar all over her and eat her like a crepe.

Lifeforce

Where Else You Gonna See Patrick Stewart’s First Screen Kiss?

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It’s basically Alien meets 2001 meets Poltergeist meets Dawn of the Dead meets The Omega Man meets crap on a stick. Did I mention than an alien chick that looks human is nekkid throughout a majority of the flick and all she wants to do is seduce men? Intrigued? Thought so.

Klute

What Kind Of a Name Is Poon?

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Can somebody please explain how Jane Fonda won the Best Actress Oscar in ’71 for playing a prostitute? I guess all the voters were bowled over by the way her boobs looked in a turtleneck sweater. So you lady actressess out there, if you want to win the gold statuette, you need to start flaunting yer boobs. Like Julia Suckberts in Erin Boobbonovitch or like Helen Hayes in 1931’s The Sin of Madelon Claudet (huh?).

If you can tabulate the amount of times I use the word ‘performance’ or ‘boobies’, and are the 1st to email me, I’ll send you something!

Real World turns 15 and to celebrate, it’s now 300% more gayer than ever. Sure, there’s only two guys who are out of the closet (Willie & Karamo) from the get go, but the remaining two males (MJ & Landon, who could both easily play Christopher Atkins in a Blue Lagoon remake) are early trung candidates for heteroflexibility. But who really cares when the real stars of the show are Sarah and the 8th roommate, the lovely and very talented… Sarah’s bosomy, busty, buxom, curvaceous, and voluptuouslicious breastszs. And as the BlogFather might say, bovs to those effin tees, even if they’re fake plastic tees… I smell a Radiohead song in there somewhere. Call the country club cause we need some tees timeages.

A Poor Richard’s Almanac version of Lohan