Thighs Wide Shut

– Iron Maiden to play Reading/Leeds? What?

– Jen & Brad’s splittsville has left Ali G homeless. [via Golden Boy]

– Michael Stipe dreams of Shirley Maclaine, tells her about it, and then she proceeds to freak out on him.

– We all know that pink may be the new blog, but apparently The Gay Master is the new Tr3nt.

– The blog we’ve all been dreaming creaming of: The NFL Cheerleader Blog. I mean, where else are you gonna learn about such sorta-hotties (which btw, are the new porta-potties) as Ravens’ rah-rah-raher, Mary Claire Butt.

– Wannamaker, do you want me to get you an Xbox Millennium Falcon for your b-day? Or I could just re-gift the re-gifted calendar that you gave me for mine? [via Double Vski]

– The Big Shocker. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Joan is a bigger hack than Brian DePalma.

– Looks like this Rabbi won’t be getting many more tips if he keeps giving babies herpes during circumcisions. [via Mustard King of Clevetown]

– North Korea Declares War On Long Hair

– Miami Judge Drops Charge Against King Kong [via Mr Poon]

– The Virgin Mary on a grilled cheese is one thing, but Jesus in a frying pan? What’s next, the image of the Arcade Fire appearing in a bag of Fritos? [via Nebraska Ben]

– Peabs not only just became a professional kangaroo named Bart Jemima, but the first professional kangaroo to publicly profess his love for an iPod. [via Uncle G-Funk]

– One of the breastest headlines I’ve seen in awhile: Salma Hayek’s Naked Breasts Make Her Want To Kill Herself. That’s odd, dem bazoombas make me want to ‘off’ myself in a entirely different way. Ahhhh Hayek’s boobs.

– And for those of you moaning for more Cuthbertness, I have some major hotness to unleash later today, but in the meantime, suck on this… Mischa pic [1nce again via Mischa-B.com]

– Lohan lives for L7. And where have her boobs gone? [via SuperFishAll]

– Thighs Wide Shut, you’re #1 Google search from all things Lewis V Sills.

– Elton John quizzes The Archdukes (aka Franz Fizzlers) on their cock sizes.

– Flavor Flav ready to roll like Mario Van Peebs and go solo.

– Happy New Year, indeed!

– Having trouble finding an E-Card for that special occasion, like a miscarriage or a date rape? These folks are here to help! [via My Man Marvkus]

– Ron Howard better play ball, cause the last thing that anyone wants is to ruffle the feathers of the The National Organization For Albinism & Hypopigmentation.

– Apparently a lot of DC teams will be playing in RFK’s parking lot this year if Tony Kornheiser’s visions come true.

– Pray you weren’t in any of these snaps of passed out people the day after some big party. [via CityRagDoll]

– Are these the worst superhero costumes of all time? I dunno, I stopped reading that crap when I learned how to masturbate.

– Toilet Brush Warning Wins Consumer Award

– If you put the three following Orlando Bloom movies into a blender, Lord of The Rings, Troy, and Pirates of the Caribbean, what would the mush pile look like? Probably something a lot like this. Hey, O Blo, you know you’re allowed to star in a movie that takes place in the 21st or 20th century, right?

– By the gay, do any of you alls jones for the days when a new LOTR came out each winter? I do, but Narnia may be the cure to our missing merriment and pippinment.

– And one last trailer, that’ll be sure to keep you from theaters sometime in ’05: Steve Martin in The Pink Panther. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! How dare they drag poor Turkish and Leon into this mess they somehow called ‘a movie’.

– If you evers get fed up with my lack of postingings during yer daily smudgery, please head on over to Pink Is The New Blog. Dude posts more than Gheorghe Muresan. I meant this Gheorghe Muresan.

– And you’ve all been such a lovely audience this week that you deserve a look at Her Current Royal Thighness, all ghetro ab fabbed out and stuff!

– Harry Pothead is too em-bare-assed of his younger self to watch the first film. I bet he prefers watching The Prisoner of Azkaban cause Hermione’s ever-developing boobs make his broom stick straight up!

– Colin Fuzzybrows did NOT bone Lohan. I’m sure that makes Disney happy since they don’t want her to get nekkid.

– Puffer face and Jacky W gone splittsville for good?

– Eagles coach Andy Reid’s rules the world and all he gets is this lousy cake?

– ‘Give me a weapon of mass affection…‘ Boy o boy indeed! [via Ceffle via Metafilter]

– Who will be Biography’s person of the year? Tune in tonight @ 8pm EST. Honestly, it should be Lohanski. No one has had a year like she has… besides me and the many nip/boob slips we’ve seen.

– The Ring Two looks like a major boo. This just in, scissors AREN’T scary!

– Wanna dress like Ali G? Ya missed yer chances!

– Here be some vids to pass the time: Mariko Takahashi’s Fitness Video and Ouch. [via Del Roachclip]

– And yes, someone out there actually wasted their time creating a url dissing Gizmoduck.

– Will the reel Steve Zissou please stand up. Seriously, there is a real person named Steve Zissou. And if yer last name happened to be Focker, you could have won a free vacation, aka a Focker Family Reunion, on behalf of Universal Pictures.

– Also in the world of Zissou… My attempts at finding Team Zissou Adidas kicks have hit a bump in the rhode. The Life Aquatic site’s store claims they offer said shoes, but have no more available. I have gone ahead and contacted Adidas to see if they have any, so stick around my Thighlettes!

– Did I mention that Zissou kinda sounds like Isuzu. And who the fork ever buys an Isuzu anymore? I mean, you know things are ruffer than a cats tongue when you gotta resurrect Joe Isuzu from his sarcophagus!

– One last Zissou thing… only cause I love using the word ‘Zissou’… I’m willing to give the movie another go after being disappointed by my round 1 viewing. Maybe I’m missing something or I was juss too nervous during World Premiere screening cause I thought that Scott Rudin was going to eat me or buy the rights to my next bowel movement.

Non-Zissou related items start… NOW!!!

– Jeopardy!‘s ratings plummet without Ken Jennings. DUH! Good, cause us Trebek groupies don’t want you watching our umcredible show anymore anywayz anyhow anywho anywhere anythat anywhy and sometimes y. Switch off your brain and go back to watching Wheel of Boring.

– The monkey man himself, Ian Brown comes to town/Webster Hell on Saturday February 26. Eggspect him to throw out some Stone Roses jounks during the show. Tix are $30 and can be purchased here.

– Bored? Watch.

– Following up with a story reported months back, the Vermonster man who’s home was overran by his herd of 300 goats just won permission to move them out of the state. I guess that means the poor old man will be forced to return to the old ways of gettin his doug jolleys on: masturbatin’.

– The Pasadena City College Courier (yes, one of the finest publications in all the world) claims that Stereogum is run by man named Steve Stereogum. Thats news to me, but maybe Steve is the new Scott. Anywho, Steve has recently gone Lohan CRAZY! Guess I’m out of a job, eh?

– Well I guess not, cause you know this is still yer one stop shop for all things Her Former Royal Thighness the I. Tweaking of… LL opens up about someone more troubled than her, her father: “I love my father very much, whatever he does. I don’t respect what he’s doing, but he’s always been there for me and I love him. I don’t do drugs and don’t approve of drugs.” Pish pah sweetits! That’s not what you said when we were hitting our four foot bong and blowing lines off of prostitutes’ breasts ala RoboCop! Anwyho, she took time out of her bizzy schedule of crying over pictures of Fez and blowing lines off of prostitutes’ breasts ala RoboCop to make an appearance at Z100’s Jingle Ball. Can you bee leave she was in the same building as Fez’s new supposed love trAshlee Simpson AND rival Hilary Duff?!?!?! Now dem be some catfights people would pay per view to see!! Below is a pic I snapped of LL and her new background singers. It was DESTINY that brought them together.

more pics from Ball here

CUTHBERT DIED!!!!

Good thing I aint talkin bout Her Royal Thighness the II!!

– AP: What is with peopleÂ’s obsession with your breasts? Lohan: God. I donÂ’t know. TheyÂ’re real though. More here.

– Speaking of… A Dutch actress who posted x-rays of her boobs on her website to prove they are natural has been accused of breaking the law.

– Red Hook residents are growing weary about Field Day Fest 2005 cause of some incidents caused after the last big concert the city held in 2001. C’mon people, it’s a good thing when condoms and syringes are found in children’s sandboxes! Dem kids need to learn about the good life early on!

– I know they bow to the Queen, but to queens as well?

– For once, being a red state is a good thing! [via N Diana]

– Steve Hartman, 60 Minutes Wednesday‘s resident putz bag, usually delivers some of the wurstest slice of life and gripe stories known to man. I pray that when Andrew Rooney czechs out on us, they don’t dare replace em with Cpt Lame-o. Anywho, I have to give the man some props (just this once!) for his piece about his father and the technology of today. Unfortunately, it worked much better as a video segment, than as a written piece.

– Anti-Bullying rubber bracelets. Not such a grand idea when the bully’s are beating dem kids wearing em.

– Bobby Darin, the subject of Kevin Spacey’s next joint, used to wear condoms on stage whilst he performed.

– Is any Ewok action figure ever worth $900? Even if it is a prototype?

– Man Allegedly Assaults Clerk With Burger.

– City Rag Doll stumbles upon the set of Spielberg’s War of the Worlds in upstate NY.

– One of the firms maintaining the London Underground is being forced to buy spare parts on eBay cause the equipment is so old. EEEK!!

– Wanna keep yer sperm count high? Don’t use a laptop!

– All things 37.

– Rock out!

– Peace the fork out Dimebag Darrell! Whoever the fork you was!

– Closer confirms what everyone already knows: Julia Roberts also looks like Falkor and that there aint no one in this world more beautifulistic than Natalie Portman. Full review on that and 3246,5,2689,03 other flicks forthcuming. Be patient. [via Grambsy]