Thighs Wide Shut

• The word ‘wedgie’ finally gets the mad propers it deserves. Wedge Antilles could not be reached for comment.

• Cocteau Twins pull OUT of Coachella! Who the forkins are the Cocktwo Twins? [via AO Snott]

• Can someone please eggsplain why Hollyweird’s got Scarlett Johansson fever? Sure she looks aiiight, but her acting chops are worser than Mischa Barton’s. If she gets cast in Indy 4 over Natalie Hotman, I may never see another movie ever again that’s exec produced by George Lucas.

• Bruce Willis is not banging Lohan and not taking part in a Moonlighting movie. Too bad the only thing he said yes to was Die Hard 4.0.

• How awfulable will the Lord of Rings musical be?

• Don’t eggspect Teri Hatcher or the other Housewives to show off their snatchers anythyme soon.

• Kirsten Dunst likes porn on the cob

• New this year at Kings Dominion: Tomb Raider Firefall ride

• NYers: free passes to Guess Who. If we all get in, we should take a dump in a bag, light it on fire and then leave the theater after 6 minutes!

• Own a piece of National Lampoon Inc. [via Media Bistro Bistro]

• Elijah Wood will never be cool… even if he does look like The Virgin Mary.

• Ugly coffee mugs

• I take it back, side boobs are the new side boobs. right Anne? [via Looking for Mr FUBAR]

• And I keep thinking of possible replacements for Cuthy, but Her Royal Thighness the II can do no wrong in my eyes. Semper Thighs, do or tantalize!!!

[via UMC]

• Which mooovie director still maintains a beard so it can help hide his super-obese neck? If you can’t figure it out from the picture, maybe this equation will help: his Neck Size is in Inverse Proportion to the Quality of his Films.

• Congrats to les Twerps for somehow gettin invited to the tournament of tournaments.

• Pulp, not dead yet!

• If Guy Ritchie ever wants to win an Oscar like Sean Penn did, he’ll have to ditch Madonna like Sean Penn did.

• Next Bond flick to be more classy, less Cleesey, and Tarantino won’t ever shut up.

• What do De La Soul, Salt-N-Pepa’s ‘Push It’, Deborah Harry, Ike Turner, Shaun Ryder, MF Doom, and Dennis Hopper all have in common? They’re going to be on the year’s breastest album: Gorillaz’ Demon Days.

• Dolly Parton gropes Sandra Bullock in the name of cinema.

• Terry Reid to play Glastonbury this summer. Tara Reid to gargle jizz this evening.

• The line-up for this year’s Tribeca Film Fest is up.

• Somebody please arrest Hilary Duff… she’s missing an ‘l’ in her first name.

• There’s nothing better than a chocolate dipped cone from the DQ.

• Andy Rooney teaches you how to weed thru yer mail.

• I am – Sheryl Crow is Naked (NSFW)

• One in three dads try breastmilk. The other two prefer tossed salads.

• Dirty boobies are the new side boobs…

– Lowest IQed Couple Call It Quits!!! Yep, pregnant Denise Richards filed for divorce from Charles Sheen!!! No word as to why, but I think she wants to run away with her new boyfriend, become a pilot, and fight the giant insects of Klendathu.

– Steve Hartman should be arrested for not being funny.

– Her Former Royal Thighness speaks out about being a party girl: ‘I’m not going to deny the fact that I’ve tried pot. I hated it. But I’ve never tried cocaine.’ I believe you LL.

– Paris painting a nekkid Nicky. [sorta NSFWness via ONTD]

– Is Steve Martin the new Tony Randall?

– Will Smith be hatin’ on breasts.

– Moby, the teacher. Now he can put people to sleep with his music AND his words.

– Don’t even try to put one of these words or phrases on a personalized jersey from the NFL shop you Ass Clown! Thankfully ‘Your Name’ is eggceptable… which is what the Thigh Master has on the back of his Redskins jersey. [via Johnny Dollar Bill$$$]

– Fingerbootyology [via MetaFiltz]

– What people’s desktops look like

– The Free Front Blog

– More Yahoo! 10 Year B-Day Fun!

– Best blog I’ve seen in awhile: Blink O Rama [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Looking for the perfect St Patty’s Day gift? Bid on one of Tawny Peaks’ breast implants.

– And juss in case u were wondering, this is what HRT II’s autograph looks like. But something tells me you’all be too busy looking at the lightbulbs in the background.

[via UseMyComputer]

If you’ve never been to Europe (unlike me who’s been running the joint since ’98), you really haven’t been to Europe. And playing Risk or Axis and Allies doesn’t count. I mean, where else is one going to figure out how great we have it here without trekking outside of it? OK, I wouldn’t call visiting the Old Country & Pannekoekenland roughing it, but I wouldn’t call it Easy Street either. Did you know that napkins and ice cubes are a luxury over there, the way that hot towels at a restaurant are over here? And consider yerself lucky if you walk out of a restroom (aka loo or water closet) without diaper rash after taking a dump. I would have actually welcomed sand paper instead of the stuff they call toilet paper. And don’t even get me started on television programming. Sure, they do have 20+ music video channels and some of the channels are commerish free, but doesn’t everyone need a break when they’re watching hours of snooker or EastEnders? Sounds like a horrible trip, right? Well, it was the eggzact opposite, cept our mighty dollar got me raped at every ATM. I don’t think I had partied this hard since the Harding Administration. Instead of going into play-by-play mode, I’m going to take you there thru the magic of pictures (that are SFW). To hell with my bandwidth!! Maybe I will end up hustling for money in Thompkins Square Park after all!

London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th – Mon the 21st of Feb

They use signs
JUST LIKE WE DO!

Brits will not hesitate to say ‘my word’
if you look right instead of left

Can it be thighmasterly possible that I’ve been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?

Open up and say YUM!

There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling

and don’t even think about tipping the bartender!

Despite the warnings…

Me and my chum Paul..

continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson

People pray here

I think they call it a ‘church’,
but don’t ask me, I’m Jewish

This is the famed River Thames

His brother’s name is Joaquin Thames

This former powerhouse station…

…now houses fine modern art.
How mod

Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London

And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards

Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo

It’s juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English

The roads here have no rhyme or reason

And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci

This perfectly describes what I
became over a 48-hour period

If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us

This is what a French person looks like

I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries

This is what a typical English fridge contains

Who doesn’t love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?

My weekend hosts

Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos

And my new bestest friends*

*who by now have probably forgotten my name

Why am I so fat

Or why are they so darn skinny?

This is what vomit looks like in a urinal

Men are so cool

And when the pubs close at 10:30

You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club

Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?

[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]

What’s Happening Now?

Good Times & nuttin but

What’s next?

Get on the table and
we’ll point at your crotch!

And there’s always time to trim the hedges

Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!

I think it’s time to call it a night

It’s 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago

The morning early evening after

And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family

Bike to the future

Oy vey, that was a horrible pun

Automatisch for the people

I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting

Off to Wagamama’s

(which means ‘selfish’ in Japanese)

This is slightly better than
my mum’s matzoh ball soup

So why again do they not have W’mamas in NYC?

This is where kids get vondelled

aka Neverland Ranch

This place used to be called Hooters

But I guess they were forced to change the name

Off to The Rijksmuseum
for some Dutch Masters

And I aint talkin bout blunts neither

Then goghne to Vince’s pad for the nth time

Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez ‘Arles’

And how could one forget one of the world’s
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk

Even my finger’s shadow is handsome

I was too busy to get a hooker

Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts

The day’s winding down
What to do, what to do?

Nuff said

When Stroopwafles Attack!

Which btw, are the world’s most orgasmic snack

And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!

Who hadn’t scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship

Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!

Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is

In any language…

I’m going to die

And they sure love their gummies

They even sell Jessicatandyden!

If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at

Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam

And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach

before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!

– Rodney Roo prefers to donkey doo doo his Portia De Rossi all over his Bob Fosses. Be that as it may, it doesn’t even f$%king compare to the amount of flunitrazepam I gave Cito Gaston last night, just to get a taste of his hot Toronto Blue Jay? So sayeth the Peabs!

– Speaking of, what do Portia de Rossi and Drea de Matteo have in common besides having a ‘de’ in between their names? They both enjoy sipping from the furry cup.

– Her Former Royal Thighness, LL, is such a doll. And now, a real doll, complete with a beige dress with faux-fur-trimmed coat, a director’s chair, and a velvet rope. Perhaps if the doll becomes a success, they’ll release a ‘bad girl’ edition complete with g-string, nip-slip dress, and a bottle of Jim. [via Trent Lotts]

– Franz Ferdinand: THE SODA!

– Where’s your head at Astralwerks?

– Handsome Boy Modeling School hit the road.

– From the looks of this pic, I bet Mark McRoidsinthebuttviaCanseco can bench at least a 135. [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Seriously, how did Oasis sell out MSG? Did Liam buy 2,445 tickets for his ego and 1 for his unibrow?

– Paris Hilton has so many tough choices to make.

– Bid on Damon Albarn’s 12-piece sofa.

– IU rules. Take part in their Condom Fit & Feel Study.

– A six-legged frog has been found at a restaurant in China. Take a lick.

– While this bottom spot is usually dedicated to HRT the II, I decided to give her the day off so her boobs can grow ever larger! But I also wanted to give some love to a possible heir to the thrown, Nancy O’Brills. I mean, she already possesses two qualities that makes yer humble mumbler squeeze with ease: she’s blonde AND doesn’t fear rocking the side-boobage in public places. The following pic was from the SAG Awards. And honey, if you need help with the sagging, I’ll be yer Dildo Baggins.