Thighs Wide Shut

Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd’s approval rating has reached it’s lowest point ever with 99.9999999999998% approvaleded. How could this be and what does sheness need to do in order to win your love and erections? Isn’t breaking Lohag’s most searched record good enuff? Or how bout if she pulled down her pants a bunch more times? Maybe we can send you cases of her new perfume filled with Cassis Berrie & Cashmere Musk. But why should we bother trying to impress our breasts upon you? For you think Jessica Biel, who really is a man, is more worthy than Sharalovely. Did you even see Stealth or anything else she’s ever been in? She has zero talent and she’s a man (juss in case u didnt read that the first time). Plus I’d rather beat off to Mary Worth than her. And you know how WORTHless that comic slizatch is!!

• Old Gorillaz news is suddenly new again

• An insult to Jews and audiences everywhere

• I think the odds are 121-120 that Ludivine Sagnier will appear nekkid in her next joint, despite what these pics show.

• Lotsa agreeing and tweaking going on for Indy 4 [via the Hole]

• AC Slater EMPLOYED! THIGHMASTER NOT!

• With Puffy & Mario Van Peebles on board Carlito’s Way: Rise To Power will surely sink at the box office this fall

• Top of the Pops flops on BBC2. At least they have the option to watch it as they took it off BBCAmerica ages ago. Damn them!! I so loved watching Pops with my Pops, eating Pops.

• Need a reason to see Royksopp at Webbie Hall in Zeptember besides learning how to say their name? How bout the bubbliciousness of Annie as an opener. [via Vegan]

• Why didn’t they kill off Olivier Castro-Stahl? He was already dead to me

• One Blog Created ‘every second’. And about one in 4zillionth of them is worth reading.

• I’m a fan of maize, not maize mushrooms [via Menymoney]

• Thundercut.com [via RaggaMuffin]

• 200 Amazing Secrets! [via Meta]

• TWS.org, yer #7 result when searching for ‘underwear pictures of ilan mitchell-smith‘

• Semi-related: John Hughes fan fiction

• Ziyi Zhang, credited as Zhang Ziyi, plays Bai Ling, but not that Bai Ling [NSFW], who is sometimes credited as Ling Bai, in 2046, which opens this tweakend in select markets (aka, not Arkansas). I’m so confused, but I’m still in the mood to pour low-sodium soy sauce all over ZZ, who shouldn’t be confused with Cpt Zzzz and his sidekick SnooZZZZZZZZzeworth [sorta-NSFW].

The Diana Ross & The Supreme Courts of Thighland, consisting of me, her, and Sio, is now in session. First order of bidness: What to do with my Thigh Slave, who hasn’t done shit since he started 3+ months ago? No brianer, I mean brainer, YOU’re fried, I mean fired!! Second order of bidness: How come it’s easier to find Carmen Sandiego than it is to find that fine piece of 80’s movie a$$?? Tabled til next session. Third order of bidness: Who flung poo? Dave Matthews & Co, case closed. And fourth and final order of bidness: Should Thighs branch out into the tee-shirt industry? This decision my friends, is in your hands… + needs 37/59ths approval from the Lower House of Thighs.

• ET 2? Et tu lizzaaame!! I’m still holding out for a different ET flick, one based off of Cheech’s character from Still Smokin’: Eddie Torres: Extra Testicle [via The Hole]

• Fake Katie Holmes shows us her tats [NSFWness via ONTD]

• Magic Mushrooms have been made illegal in the UK. Well, considering that Air Wick hasn’t produced that air freshener since the 80s this really won’t be much of an issue.

• I may have more pubes than Frankie Muniz, but he now officially has more fiancées than me. JERK!

• The Bloc Party continues thru Zeptember. Hit up the always horribilistic Roseland on Zept 9th. Electric Six plug in Zept and Rocktober. Hit up Bowery on Zept 30th.

• Spice Girls reunion? Mel C sez C u in hell to dat idea.

• Merry 75th to Blondie. I don’t think I’ve read more than maybe 2 of your strips, but yer hubbie has a killer sub shop in Bloomington, IN, with sit-down Donkey Kong!! In yer honor, d-lode Blondie’s ‘Rapture’

• Merry 1,000th issue Readers Digest! The only place where people get paid to write jokes worser than the ones found on the inside of Laffy Taffy’s wrappers.

• Westmoreland is more or less forked the peace train outta here AND Fitzgerald goes on the fritz, for good. Girl be my #1 gay sistah!

• Be a Doll and record a new album

• This eggsplains a lot

• Close yours eyes, pretend it’s the 30s, and listen to the radio broadcasts of the Mercury Theatre… hispecially Orson’s well done War of the Worlds

• Maryland is officially a part of the south as Gladys Knight and Ron Winans’s Chicken & Waffles opens up shop Largo [via Daddy ThighMaster]

• Even Pinder loves looking at her boobs

• Eddie Furlong, waiting to exhale [via Hattan Girl]

• The NeverEnding Story‘s Childlike Empress grew up. I wonder if she makes her lovers call her name?

• Gay is the new cereal

• A T-ball coach allegedly paid one of his players $25 to hurt an 8-year-old mentally disabled teammate so he wouldn’t have to put the boy in the game. [via Not Too Shabby]

• Cover Art Recipes #7

• What?

• ifuckedanncoulterintheasshard.blogspot.com [via My Man Marv]

• In the ‘How Did I Not Find This Myself’ category: Pictures of famous men with moustaches [via Van Mega Man]

• The Greatest Letter Ever Written to an Airline

• 72% of Welsh men want to make love to Charlotte Church in a car. I juss wanna welch off of her trillions, pour Welch’s Grape Juice all over her plumbolicious body, and read her passages from Lisa Whelchel’s pseudo-blog.

[via Q mag article]
AND THIS JUST IN: Police find body near Charlotte Church!!! No word if grape juice was involved or not!!

• What a rip-roarin rip-torin effin time me and HRT the III had at this year’s ESPYs. Sure, winning the Best Female Tennis Player award wasn’t even a challenge, but I was a lil perturbed when Annika Sorenstam edged out the Mrs to ‘win’ Best Female Athlete honors. I guess the swimsuit part of the competition didn’t sway the judges one bit. But whatta we care, those stinkin awards are the sports equivalent of Nickelodeon’s Kids’ Choice Awards, aka something as meaningless as a PT Anderson film. And what was really odd about the whole thang, no not our visit to the Playboy Mansion, was when she presented the award for Best Baseball Player ashlongside Lohag the Wurstest The I’s former flame-broiled hamburgler, Wilmer Valderrama!! Talk about awkwardness from Auckland!!! When I asked Pova to reflect on the whole evening, she said something about vodka, pouring, on her, naked, those lap pillows, and Tetris. I was a lil confused by that, but maybe it’ll make a bit more sense when we travel to the Kremlin Cup this Rocktober.

• Caught Röyksopp‘s thumbcredible show at Irving Platz last nite. Played two encores and two songs twice. Odd, but fantabulous!!! Continues theory that ‘electronic’ groups put on more funner shows than ‘normal’ bands do. See also Air, Basement Jaxx, and Chemical Brothers, who’s latest album I first lo-hated on, but have now grown to lo-ve. Push the Button and buy the damn thing already!!

• Save the date: July 4th, 2007

• It would take 36 straight weeks under the knife to make Kelly Osbourne look attractive. Too bad a knife can’t solve personality issues…

• I’m sirprized she didn’t slip out of the lap bar

• The only way to look at Lennon and Harrison’s deaths as a good thing

• Please, don’t be boring like that last album

• I wanna lick Charlotte Church’s green eyes and then mate with her so my children can have even greener eyes and chunky thighs!

• The Worst Rock Dads of All Time

• The Top 12 Hottest Female Guitarists Ever? I dunno, but my two most flavorite hottiest female bass players are Jill Cunniff, of Luscious Jackson fame, and Kim Coletta, of Jawbox game. [via Emmanem]

• Grovers Mill, New Jersey probably wished it was actually attacked by Martians

• Graceland is to Elvis as Iceland is to Elves

• Man Used Electric Underpants ‘To Fake Heart Attack’ [via NOTW]

• And while you martin mull over thats take a look at Pinder’s tats

[taz always via Double Viking]

• So what does Lohag The Wurstest The I do as a follow-up act after getting dumped on her no-longer frumpy fanny by the King of Kings, me? Oh, you know, take her daily skankbot meds, gets into talks about bastardizing Swiss Family Robinson and even lets Robbie Altman, aka the Crypt Keeper, grope the back of her thigh!! Well you can keep her Cpt Boring of 2 and 1/2 Hour Movies cause I’m more over her than I am of Jay Mohr doing Roger Moore impersonations!!! And I have more important things to do these days then berate and hate on her, like taking off my borscht belt, whipping out my balalaika, and having Maria Sherry-povich keep my comrade warm. Damn son, I really don’t know how lucky I is, cause I’m back to my roots, I’m back in the USSR. Btw, me and the new Mrs are thinking of reviving Rasputin from the dead so Dakota has someone to play with!

• Happy 40th belated B-day to the Slurpee, and congrats to the city of Winnipeg for being devoid of everything, cept holding the distinguished honor of Slurpee Capital of the World!! But ENUFFFFF with all this 7-11 talk comin from my finger banging tips!! Nows I wanna give some qwik, yet much needed, props de leon to the far superior frozen (non-alcoholic) beverages that constantly filled my young pie-hole: the Slush Puppie and the Icee. NOT EVEN A CONTEST SLEVEN!!! But I guess the BMOFD (Big Man of Frozen Drinks) had the last laff as the places I had to go to get said drinks, High’s for my SPs and Woolworth’s for Is, are either nearly extinct or have peaced the fork out. Howeski, our story has a some what happy ending. During a college break, I worked at a country club’s snack bar and Lohan and behold, they had a Slush Puppie machine. It was probably the best summer romance I’ve ever had. I mean, we got friendly down in the sand!! So why not d-lode ‘‘Summer Nights‘.

• Borat spotted in and around NYC

• I’m sorry, but paying $30 to see the Arcade Fire and $35 for the Killers is just plain wrong. For that price, there would have to promise of live porking on stage [NSFW].

• TWS.org, the only place in America that gives a damn about this whole Charlotte Church/Shirley Bassey gassey mess. In today’s episode CC takes over for mum in the nasty werds category.

• Peaches & Pete would have scarier children than John Kerry and any of these guys.

• Where did the phrase “I’ve got dibs” come from?

• Sauerkraut Wrestling Proposed For Lawmakers [via Mr Poon]

• Moving Mannequins [via Monkey]

• And sadly, it looks like Zack Morris and Kelly Kapowski will never live happily ever after cause Tiffani-Amber ‘Senior’ Thiessen had to go and get hitched!! Don’t worry Z-man, cause I bet her younger sister Nicki still sweats you!! In memory of this very sorrowful day, her wasted career and huge bazoombies (that appeared outta nowhere!), I shall post my mos flavorite snappage of Tiff, which coincidently was one of the 1st semi-nudie pics I ever d-loded off the internets… before it was even called the internets!! I know it’s a bit NSFW, but hey, so is this site so stop czeching it out at work, k?

Shame, shame, shame on you’alls and Lou Rawls. Did you honestly think for a stankonia moment that I’d let a woman who’s hair’s gross, Christain Bale Machinist rail thin, and a complete skankbot, rule our kingdumb? I’m even ashamed of the fact that I’m a top search result for ‘‘Lindsays Butt Paste‘… although being the #1 result for ‘cleveland cleavage‘ is kinda respectable, right? I picked Lohag when your backs were turned. Ha-ha, you fools! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: Never go in against a Master of Thighs, when Her Royal Thighness crowning is on the line!! Good thing Snopes and the Museuem of Hoaxes didn’t read last week’s posts, cause they would’ve easily exposed this rue de ruse in about 5 heartbeats!! The past is the past and the butt paste is a thing of the past… although I have been looking to switch up brands as of late. So lets push thighs forward, whilst you d-lode The Streets’ ‘‘Lets Push Things Forward‘. And before I officially announce who the heir to the hempire is, I juss wanna note that Cuthbest, unlike Lohag, never did us wrong, cept when she wore that tunafish thong, and will always be welcomed back anythyme to the House of Thighs. Plus we both share joint custody of Jean-Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanbelt, and she even agreed to pay for her dental bills! In choosing a woman worthy of the crownship I didn’t want to make any rush decisions… although she ended up being a Russian. Sure, I could have gone with a Albacauseofyou or Pinderlicious, but it was sign from heavens when I thighspotted my lady in waiting rubbing her thighs. And the rest is how I say, Game, Set, Snatch…

I present to you
The REAL Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd
Maria Yuryevna Sharapova
aka Мари я Ю рьевна Шара пова

You may now kiss the Thighs

ON WIT DA POOS DEL LINKY…

• Visited the new 7-11 on 23rd and Park Ave. Brief reflections: shiz was the cleanest and smallest Sleven I’ve ever seen, Big-Bites were effin moneybagsmcgee, but had NO CHERRY SLURPEES on-tap??#!@?@#?#? Their license should be revoked!

• Knocked back a few with The BlogFather, and the rest of the Bloggeratti. Brief reflections: so effin best.

• ESPN.com stalked jinxed for life Cub fan, my Halloween costume of ’03, and the all-around mystery that is Steve Bartman. Brief reflections: it was about effin time.

• Ricky Gervais chats up about the pressure of topping The Office with his next effort Extras, which airs in the UK on July 21st (‘How do you beat six Baftas and two Golden Globes? That’s mental. That record’s safe.’), his New Romantic band Seona Dancing (‘We thought we were Tears for Fears.’), his family (‘The whole point of my family was taking the mickey out of the one sitting next to you. It was all a wind up.’), and about dreams come true (‘My ambition was always to get a joke on The Simpsons, and here I am at the read-through sitting next to Homer.’).

• Charlotte Church’s mum strikes back and un-classy Shirley Bassey. Don’t care? Then at least czech out a whole lotta snap-ples of C Church in a bikini.

• Another pointless Indy IV update

• Nancy O’Dell met her husband while waiting in line at an airport. I think I need to fly more often.

• Many a celebs have been deliverin’ Amazon.com packages as a part of their 10th annie-verse-airy celebration. Peep Don Cheadle dropping off a box, Howie Mandel taking time off his ‘busy schedule’, and Kournikova opening a box with a customer (I’d love to open and munch on Kournie’s box! [NSFW])

• Dustin Hoffman has bigger-man-tees than yours drooly! [sorta NSFW]

• The Photos They’d Rather Forget

• I’ve never been able to describe TWS.org site in words, but Dawn of Man did a pretty good job by sayings, ‘If you’re not impartial to a bit of Anthony Burgess-style linguistic butchering combined with Jim Careyesque zany mad adult behaviour, head on over to The Thighmaster.’

• Why didn’t JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com get bigger than Jesus?

• (not) My Collection of Vintage Cigarette Lighters

• Geek Tattoos [via Dr Falada]

• Mildly entertaining ’80s print ads

• CantFindOnGoogle.com [MetaFiler]

• And happy belated 50th b-day to my new dawg, Jimmy Smits/Bail Organa, and to my old dawg, who’s love taking bites outta crime, McGruff the Crime Dog, who just turned half of Jimmy’s age. Growing up, in an age of hella-lame famous dogs, McGruff was buff and more ruff than then the baddies in Tuff Turf. Ya see, me at McG go way back. One day, while I was a hyperactive student at College Gardens Elementary School, we took a field trip riding the newly extended Red Line on DC’s Metro for three whole stops!!! When we demetroed at our final destination, White Flint, McGruff was there to greet us, dole out hugs, and distribute free Redskins trading cards to us all. I’ll never forget what you did that day McGruff, for as long as I live. So in his great name why not send him a b-day card, or get yoself a fab tee, or sign up for some free trading cards (sadly not Redskins)?