Thighs Wide Shut

No, but the schedule for next year has been announced! And although I love watching fooball anytime, anyplace, underwear, I think I may have to kill myself with a lethal tunafish juice injection after watching the Patriots EIGHT TIMES on National TV! But who fargin cares about them, since the team of destiny, aka The BESTskins, are going 16-0*!!! Hey Joe G, how would you rank your squadron of such awesomnessness?

Sunday, Sept. 11: Chicago Bears, 1 p.m. ET
Monday, Sept. 19: @ Dallas Cowboys, 9 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 2: Seattle Seahawks, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 9: @ Denver Broncos, 4:15 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 16: @ Kansas City Chiefs, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 23: San Francisco 49ers, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Oct. 30: @ New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday. Nov. 6: Philadelphia Eagles, 8:30 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 13: @ Tampa Bay Bucs, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 20: Oakland Raiders, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Nov. 27: San Diego Chargers, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 4: @ St. Louis Rams, 4:05 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 11: @ Arizona Cardinals, 4:05 p.m. ET
Sunday, Dec. 18: Dallas Cowboys, 1 p.m. ET
Saturday, Dec. 24: New York Giants, 1 p.m. ET
Sunday, Jan. 1: @ Philadelphia Eagles, 4:15 p.m. ET

* more like 9-7

Back to your regularly scheduled diarrhea…

• Lohan pumping up the volume?

• I’m not much of an actor, but I did have a brief part in the short How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day (and no, Rachael Ray was not involved). Anywho, that short has been selected for the Cloud 9 Film Festival (what?) which is part of the in-flight entertainment on Frontier Airlines (who?)!! And you can not only vote for it DAILY, but peep it too (look for me round 11 minutes or so in)! Watch out Jude Law, your ass is mine grass!

• There’s only once choice for next year’s Oscar emcee, and his name is snot Ellen DeGeneres.

• Penelope Cruz loves camels and their toes?

• Why Canada’s version of Time Magazine is hipper than thous…

• I heard Al Gore invented boring TV aimed at 18-34 year-olds.

• Madonna gets the axe from Guy’s next film. I wonder why…

• Jury’s still out on Mischa Barfon’s new do.

• What would a Eminem/Elijah Wood crossbreed look like? This (beware of audio that may make u want to cut off yer ear, Gogh of van style). [via Spin Doctors Fan #1]

• Amanda Bynes is jarig.. en nog mooier! Sure Daan, whatever you say.

• World’s greatest Tom Selleck playing volleyball poster? I dare you to find another. And well, if you do, can you mail it to me? Please?

• Bill Murray rules

• Wrap up of April Fools 2005

• Breastfeeding GAMES? [SFW WTFness via Monkey Men]

• Red Rider Leg Lamps [via Synappy Blur]

• Every time you masturbate… [SFW via Richie Richard The Asianhearted]

• And not even a stoopid elephant costume can uglify Natalie Portman.

• [Peas Note: I know nothing of politics, cept that I love a good parade AND free buttons!] All hail Mayor Mikey Bloomberg!! What, you a hater? How could be raggin on my man who green-lit the Gates AND be close to gettin us AN NFeffinL STADIUM, a Super Bowl, AND the Oryimpics!?!! And who cares if he controls the media? Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do? Now if only we can get him to love the gays, then he’d be my most favorite person Mt Everest next to Billy Zabka. And who would you rather have in hizoooner’s place? Franz Forking Fernando Ferrer? Mark my slurs: You should never trust a man with a mustache. Hispecially one who has a blog that leo getz less comments than I’s! Or maybe, au jus maybe, FFFF should hire ME to be his publicity manager and pep up his boring-arsed campaign! Juss think of the pastabilititities…

• Smoking Gun’s gots Jeff Weise’s ‘Target Practice’ cartoon. Eerie, Indiana Minnesota.

• Thighs, it’s not what you think [via Typo]

• A third Gorillaz LP not far behind??? If Damon put together an album of farts and me screaming about how bad microwaved tuna fish smells, it would still be gene by genius. [via The Blower of Maple Leafs]

• Gotta love the Drunken Stepdaddy: Dunstin’s Nips check in & Pam in saran

• What’s scarier than this cat that looks like a shriveled penis? I dunno, but dis comes close: Billy Corgan and Robert Smith dueting The Bee Gee’s ‘To Love Somebody’.

• Is this considered news in Engrland? I guess that’s why they call London, the new New York!

• NYers, Bostoners, DCists, and Chipeoples, you can all see the Donnie Darko Director’s Cut fo free! BONUS for NYCers: suffer for FREE thru Fever Pitch!

• Own yer own Gestapo Soup Shop or Scott and Laci Peterson’s former restaurant. [via Made of Brawny]

• I’ve got you covered [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Napoleon Dynamite Numa Numa Dance

• A bunch of Asian boobie animated gifs [NSFW Junk via UselessJunk]

• The Longest Bird Penis Ever [via WTF Peeps]

• I’m being Xtreme-lee liz-azy this morn and didn’t plan on any April Foolishness Elliot Ness-ness. Boo is me. Maybe I’ve been too busy being a fool in love (Frankie Lymon stizzle stick stee-lo style) with this 2/3 NSFW clip of Cuthbert getting some in the back seat of a car to the sweet sounds of David Gray, or this pic of her punching herself…

You can now viddy a preview to the new 24 PlayStation game
Username: preview
Password: C3%qt24

50 Loathsome New Yorkers

Justin Guarini, pre-Side Show Bob stizz

Me love this dude’s default avatar.

The Single’s Man Guide To TV Dinners [via MetaPhilter]

Trost In Lanslation: This Chinese Menu [semi-NSFW via MonkeyPhilter]

[much love to Pinky]

– Thighspotted with me own eyes: James Gandolfini having a qwik drink at the dumphole 7B, before riding off on a motorcycle, and the ever sexy Anderson Cooper going to work this morning at the AOL-Time-Warner building. Btw, when did hosting The Mole qualify you for a top desk job at CNN?

– Even Duke’s student newspaper agrees, today’s Cameron Crazies suck and are unoriginal. I blame the free iPods that incoming Frosh get. [via Truth About Duke]

– George Lucas to cameo in Ep III as Baron Papanoida. [via AICN]

– Gorillaz’ new jounks finally has a name: Demon Days.

– Spanks the good Lord that the Swingers sequel was scrapped. Too bad what we got instead was the poopa-a-thon known as Made. Remember that movie? Neither do I.

– New York City Walk

– Apparently Uncle G-Funk doesn’t love me anymore.

– This guy gives great head… lines.

– NSFW [SFWness via Tony’s CPU]

– Yummy [via Newbsy]

– If there was ever a movie about a super-giraffe, would you go and see it? It wouldn’t be awfulistic like that talking racing zebra garbage. In fact, the super-giraffe’s neck would be so long that he’d help NASA look for planets and such in the thing above the sky called space. He’d also pen a screenplay and when his producer asks for a ‘first draft’ our animal friend gets confused cause he thinks he’s saying ‘first giraffe’. If that doesn’t whet yer kazzo, what about an Aquaman movie?

pee es- giraffes RULE!