Thighs Wide Shut

Spank the good lord that July is over. Sure, it started on a high note, with Sis getting hitched with Smits in tow, but it pretty much all went to shit after that. Yeah, there was the whole job thing, and those nasty crabs I couldn’t get out of my crotch, but nothing typified the month better than last night’s Duran Duran show at the Tommy Hilfiger whored-out Jones Beach. Now don’t get me wrong, the fellaz put on one rockin arsed show last nite, as they also did this past April, but they made one huge mistake than made yer TMaster more irate than Al Iafrate: NOT PLAYING ‘HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF’!?!?!?!? WHAT THE SPORK??? That’s like the Bible not mentioning Jesus!!! I’ll stop myself there, before I become Jim Mora Jr Jr, and start to look forwards, not borewards. For August is already shaping up to be a better month. I mean, there’s NFL pre-season fooball this SATURDAY!!!

• First there was Make Poverty History, then Make Lohag History, and now, Damon A’s Make Doherty History. Where does it end? Chris Makepeace History?

• The fall in NY juss got a lil bit more fun with the announcement of the Across the Pond concert series, featuring the Pixies, Beck, Oasis, Killers, Gang Of Four, Jet, Belle & Sebastian, the New York Dolls, and many mo to come. The shows will be held simultaneously at Keyspan Park in Brooklyn and Richmond County Bank Ballpark in Staten Island, on Rocktober 1-2. [via The Shop]

• One of my 47882356y7778gb5 prayers have been answered: Wild Palms, James Belushi’s best work since Taking Care of Business (aka Filofax), to be released on DVD ROCKTOBER 4th!

• A man has been charged with the Charlotte church murder. If she’s forked the peacelled then who be the one turning down Chicago and Wonderbra?

• A 10th planet has been discovered, but will it be more popular than Pluto Nash, co-starring the Best Albino?

• Cpt Zzzzz really needs to stop hanging out with people who wear monocles

• Peep the vid to Supergrass’ new jazzle ‘St Petersburg’

• The Quarterly List of Admissible and Prohibited (Porno) Titles, prepared by Canada’s Border Services Agency

• Earth.Google.com [via The Thinker]

• Why are there so many spices in the Spice Islands?

• Free passes in various big titties cities to see The 40-Year-Old Virgin

• The Mustache Database

• Random Mario flash animationism [via Paxman]

• World’s Largest Basket

• Ackbar, you never cease to amaze me…

[via Cassons Go Rolling Along]

After losing my snoop joppy job on Friday I wished I could’ve had Scotty beam me to the 4th Annual Lebowski Fest in Louisville, KY this past weekend. But alas, Scotty had to go and czech out on us and thus leave this year’s fetives rather Thigh-Less. Apparently the show went on without me and the boys as there were plenty of other characters abound like the suspect usuals, camel jockeys, the Folger’s can carrying Donnie’s remains, the JO book, and the best of them all, the white Russian. The only positive thing I can think to say about my absence is that this toe was spared my harassment and constant attempts to try to lick and bloody her crotch region more than it already was.

• Speaking of hot, yet inappropriate things, The Smoking Gun dug up some 1977 testimony from Roman Polanski 13-year old rape victim, Samantha Gailey. Sure, Roman is a pedicured pedophile times pi R squared, but isn’t a 13-year old girl who previously had had sex twice before, tried Quaaludes, and refers to oral sex on a girl as ‘cuddliness’ a bit of the mark as well? Plus she spoke out in his defense before his PenisPianist would take home a bunch of ’03 Oscar gold. By the lame, how the forkspoons did Chicago beat Piani AND LOTR: The Two Towers for Best Pic? Well, I guess I can still be happy that Gangs of New York shit the bed that night.

• Sprekenze hot, yet no longer inappropriate things, everyone’s flavorite (Disclaimer: everyone = me + Her Royal Russian The III) faux-lesbo Russian wet dream team, t.A.T.u. are going to drop their long awaited 2nd album Dangerous and Moving on the 18th of Rocktober.

• Spankinze of people no longer with cash, you can get Horshack, Mr Belding, Otho from Beetlejuice, and many more F-listers to call one of your loved ones or enemies, thru the genius Hollywood Is Calling [via Double Liking]

• (belated) Peace the fork out of your TV Dinner

• The people have spoken this past weekend with their ticket buying power and say no way Michael Bay. And I was juss starting to think Americans had no taste. Then again, a Vince Vaughn vehicle has already netted 80.9 mils in only two weeks of work. By the not michael bay, forget to mention in our review, big ups to Tim Burton for throwing a couple o’ Kubrick props in The Choco Factory.

• The me hath spoken when I say that last nite’s Six Feet was wUnderful (almost time for Nate to show Hedwig/Fraggle/Mary Gross/Brenda the door!), and Entourage remains one the most over-hyped pieces of junk that’s somehow totally watchable. But if they leep puttin Mandy Moore on the show, I may have to declare it the best series since Twin Peaks.

• Have you peepened the V For Vendetta trailer? Screw Kong cause V is for VAWESOME!!! And if V lived somewhere it would be VAWESOME’S CREEK!!

• Patchouli heads west for Halloween [via Bill]

• ESPN & Ben Widdicombe don’t know shit from Sharapova [see 2nd item down]

• NY Times give some times to Sacha Baron Cohen

• My visual idea of Heaven: the Fiery Furnaces pose in front of The Cyclone

• Repeat: Rooney, out of his league

• Name sure to be missing from many a Fantasy Football drafts: Adimchinobe Echemandu [via Wannamaker]

• Eight Men Out trading cards

• Too Brian Pepperishly gross to be real [via The Zach Attack]

• Appy polly loges, but had to drop a 2nd TSG link cause they always have the A1 mug shots: Goldsmeller

• Ackbar strikes again

• I was this close to plastering this HOT PIC OF A GIRL STICKING CORN UP HER WHOOTANANNY all up on this site so you’d get canned from your jobs too, but decided to play it safe with the following pic, which came from this greatness collection of strange 70s ABBAesque boy bands. [via Made of Brawny and Richard the Richie]

• What is one grape documentary you know nothing about, and who is one grape artist I wish I knew everything about after giving peepage to the aforementioned doc? In The Realms of the Unreal, which chronicles the life of uber-reclusive uber-imaginative Henry Darger, and his 12-volume, 15,145-PAGE novel that goes by the name The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, as caused by the Child Slave Rebellion, which includes oodles of wondrous paintings, some 10 foot long. It’s like Yellow Submarine meets D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths meets crack meets Gene-by-gene-YES!!! I won’t go in to details cause I want you to eggspeareance the magic 1st hand, but the doc has juss been released on DVD and is co-narrated by MY PRECIOUS Dakota Fanning, so make our family proud and see the damn thang!

• Piglet joins Tigger in PTFOland. The year of Pooh is qwikly turning into the year of boo.

• Rumor has it that Air are working on the soundtrack to Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette flick. If this turns out like the last partnership (Virgin Suicides sdtrk), I’ll be oui ouing in my pants for the next few years. What, you haven’t heard the werd? Well werd up, with a werdless ditty, and d-lode their s’wonderful ‘Dead Bodies‘ off said sdtrk.

• Coldplay AND Basement Jaxx both pay tribute to Kylie at Glasto by covering ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’. I wonder whose version was better? I dunno, cause I heard everyone was too busy napping during Coldplay’s set.

• Pixie & Peaches Geldof, and myself are going to have our own international event this weekend, while daddy runs his. We call it Live8MeOut.

• Jimmy Chamberlin either needs smack money or lunch money

• Anyone else catch Julie Brown (not the downtown one) on this past week’s Six Feet Under?

• Who’s a Towson University grad, openly awesome, and openly gay? Lionel Luther [via Pakula Shaker]

• Gang of Four set to re-record their classics for a new album, and only be-cause I still don’t know who the fork they are or have heard one song they sing.

• ‘I don’t think I’ve ever missed a deadline; I think it would make me physically ill.‘

• This week’s sign that society is over: The first two innings of an actual minor league baseball game in July will be played by two guys on Xbox [via News del Weird]

• I haven’t had a thought (dirty or clean) about Elle MacPherson in four score and seven ages ago. That was until I read that she and her partner Arpad ‘Arkie’ Busson have gone splittsville after 8 years. So know that I’m forced to come up with thoughts, I came up with 2. First: I don’t care if she took a dump on you daily, if yer Elle’s man, you do whatever it takes to keep that shiz in yer life for good. Second: that ’88 SI cover you see to yer right is the last time I cared about their swimsuit issue (this semi-NSFW pic should refresh your jizz). I could never take them serious again after they let Kathy Ireland grace the following year’s cover. Look, I know she’s dope, but she doesn’t do it for me AND she co-starred in a movie with Scott Bakula and Sinbad that was, well, bad. Sure, they let her stand atop Eireland and Rod Stewart’s ole landing strip in ’94, but it was all too late to john woo me back. I had seen the light and moved on. I think some people call it porno.

• What’s very NOT SAFE FOR WORK and is having a dildo thrust upon her? Eve [via Shady H Acres]

• What do you get when you cross the flabbyamyamness of the Mermaid Parade with the eye of the Cobra Snake? This [via Sophie’s Choy]

• Udo Kier is…

• I think Korean kids hate Japan [via Korean BBQard]

• cakes

• The TRUTH About ‘Belgium’ [via MonkeyMan]

• Face Transformer and Face ANALyser [via Cruisepanko]

• Malls of America, when times were simpler and more bootleg…. just how we liked em [via CityRagDoll]

• An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell and sizzle of cooking bacon

• ROGER MOORE’S FANTABULOUS EYEBROWS [beware of audio via MetaPhil]

• And in clothing, what’s the wurstest kind of porn that isn’t even real porn since animated porn [NSFW]? Girls with cars, stuck, in all kinds of nasty road conditions… like grass, ice, sand, snow, and that dreaded mud. And where can one feed this addiction of girl with cars stuckedness? Why, CarsStickGirls.com duhvs course! You have to czech out each of the sample videos [kinda NSFW]. You wouldn’t bee leave how whoreibblee thumcredible these clips are. The only person it could possible turn on is Daredevil wearing a blindfold! Although I will admit that one bit with a girl in the mud gave me wicked boner flashbacks to when I first saw John Candy wrastle chicks in Stripes. [via Levitticus Finch]

• Q: What’s hottier than being a photographer who gets paid to shoot at Sharapova’s lower half (as seen on your left)? A: My tomato red face and neck after schlepping round newly married el Hofbergo thru three boroughs from sunup til sundown this past Saturday. The day started with a jaunt to Coney Island, for some Cyclone action, batting cages hits and misses, Nathan’s diarrhea-inudicng-bacon-cheese fries, and to see what all this Mermaid Parade hubbub was all about. Fitting that this year’s king was Buster Poindexter, cause sh%t was more hot than Pat O’Brien singing ‘Hot, Hot, Hot‘. And by hot, I’m talking about the weather, and not what turned out to be one of the most pointless parades I’ve ever attended. And like most parades that don’t feature Shriners in go-karts, there were plenty of titties grossier than Tara Reid’s and more reasons why nearly nekkid men are never a good thing to be near [for full pictorial, see end of this mammoth paragraph]. After being blinded by all of dem flabby yammy yam-yams and being turned into a raisinet in the sun, it was thyme to ride the N train from its starting point to its second to last stop in Astoria, Queens. What could be worth taking a train that long if you aren’t a member of The Warriors? The not-so-best-kept secret in all of NYC: The Bohemian Hall & Beer Garden. A couple o’ $12 pitchers of Spatan, kielbasas, and cup cakes from someone’s baby shower later, I was ready to throw up on myself, but remembered that I would rather my skin be ruby red than Oompa-Loompa-Lohan-orange. Later we shuffled off to the Bowery B-bestroom, via a few Hades Sweatfest ’05 Subway Platforms, to czech out the not so-feisty Feist. Her gentle jams and sweet Beth Ortonesque voice made for the least rockiniest show I’ve seen at the Bowery, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes Thigh Master needs to take a break from all this re-tread British music and sway to slower sounds, like that of Natalie Merchant, Edie Brickell, Mazzy Star, et al. Anywhom Feist is great music to have on in the background. Maybe while doing your taxes, fixing dinner, or banging your spouse. Note to record execs: if she ever started a fan club, you have to call it Feist Club. You figure out with the first rule is, cause I juss come up with the puntastic concepts. It was late, and my thighs were hurting from all the Mary chafing Carpenter. We quickly puffed some apple tabac at the Ruby Lounge, shoved some Rosario’s pizza pie down our pie holes, and returned to Thighland, so we could tuck in my dearest adopted Van Dame, Dakota Fanning, into bed for the evening. I was so spankin outive it that Dakota Fanbelt should tucked my a$$ to bed. Oddly enuff, Dakota didn’t want to come with us to Coney Isle cause she said it could never compare to the time she spent there with her annoying nanny.

• Slappy B-day to the first product with a bar code, a 10-pack of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit chewing gum, that was scanned at a check-out counter, at a Marsh supermarket in Troy, Ohio. In honor of this special day, d-lode: ‘Chewing Gum‘ by Annie

• Want more lodes in yer lobes? Taste Keane tacklin’ of U2’s ‘With or Without You’ [not a direct d-lode], Paul Van Dyk’s’Nothing But You‘, Faithless’eses ‘Insomnia‘ and a remix of Travis’ ‘Re-Offender‘ [via Fakor]

• Spicoli to play the Joker?

• Looking for Lohag? Head to St. Paul. Looking for Cuthbest? Head to Moscow. Looking for Mr Goodbar? Click here.

• Wanna see under the radar uber-hottie Rosamund Pike nude? Too late, cause that era has cum and gone. But you can look at these snaps of her pretending to bang Remington Steele!

• The trailer for Episode III that Lucas didn’t want you to see… complete with all the cut Jar Jar dialog bits. [via FlakMag]

• Girl I want: Girl In The Cafe

• Bionic Man Moves Artificial Arm With Brain, wit pics AND vid! [via Cruisespanko]

• Sometimes I wish I was an adult small

• Oldies but yummies: Fractured GI Joe PSAs

• Those aren’t two pillows… they’re Sharapova Breast Pillows?!?!?!? [much WTFness via H-Listing]

• And whilst me and the delegates of the Continental Thighness are more busy than Philipps deciding on the IIIrd Her Royal (cept we can never get anything done cause Sio keeps saying that everything’s an ‘invasion’), I’ve let Dakotapaint play with some of my old mos flavorite toys. She didn’t shine to my Lite Brite, Presto Magix, or Shrinky Dinks, but seemed to dig my Playmobil pals. I knew she was the best living female actress on planet girth, but who knew she had such great taste? Too bad parents today need to take out a 2nd mortgage on their homes just to pay for these very eggceptional and very eggspensive toys. Bi they gay, here’s another good place for Playmobil memories.

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…