we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2019

and now, for the only awards that matter…

SEXtenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

 

Greatest Righting of A Wrong In A Movie Franchise EVER

in The Rise of Skywalker when they like, hey Rose, want to join us on this adventure, and she’s like, sorry, I’m busy being buried in a shallow grave by the scriptwriter!!!  EAT IT ROSE!!!

_

The 10th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor, How Are You An Actor, and In Every Movie? Award

Lucas Hedges

(a make-up call for previous years of annoying the crap out of me)

_

Popular Movie That Irrationally Upsets My Soul Because There Is Nothing Special About It Whatsoever And I’m Still Mad At Riannnn Johnsonn for Ruining My Adulthood With What He Did To Star Wars

Knives Out 

a whodunnit
that who don’t

reveal the twist at the beginning!
so clever Riannn!!
(nice accent James Bond! NOT!!!)

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

TIE! 

with 6 films a piece in 2019

Jim Gaffigan AND Luke Evans

_

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these damn ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Cardi B’s DDs in the otherwise, somehow unwatchable movie about strippers – Hustlers

The Goldenest Globes

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes EVER

Molly Gordon

_

Eyes Wide Closed For Bidness 9ever

aka WÃœRSTEST Eyes EVER

wtf is going on here Alita: Battle Angel???
WHO WANTS TO WATCH THAT SCARY FCUKING SHTT!!???

_

Hairing Is Caring 

Alec Baldwin’s DeLorean eyebrows in Framing John DeLorean

+

I don’t really love the hair but special mention to all hair things that’s going on in The Beach Bum

_

Songs That Execute Better
Than Norman Mailer
Hanging With Cliff Clavin

the ENTIRE soundtrack to The Last Black Man in San Francisco

+

Taron Egerton IS Elton John

Kenny Rogers ‘in’ Richard Jewell

‘Hey Dude’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

Midsommar / Joker / Uncut Gems / The Lighthouse / Once Upon A Time In Hollywood / The Last Black Man in San Francisco /A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (I cry every time the kids sing to him on the train) / Yesterday / 1917 / Ad Astra / It Chapter 2 (teaser) 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Overcomer / Shaft / Annabelle Comes Home / Stuber / Fiddler: A Miracle of Miracles / The Day Shall Come/ Her Smell / The Death of Dick Long

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Gustaf Gründgens + Liv Mjönes + Taddeo Kufus

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

Nike is from Oregon.  The Goonies was shot in Oregon.  together they were a natural pair-ing of two great American legends & icons

BLESS the folks forever at Red Letter Media

Joe Pesci and David Ferrie RETURN!!

May The Fluoride Be With You

Ullman Are Created Equal

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘020

Fast & Furious Presents: Nobbs & Shaw

Tolkien: White Guy

Super Thighs Me 2: Thighs Wide Slightly More Shut

Calendar Man

21 Jeff Bridges

Chris Wallace Is Here

Shazam! The Story of Gomer Pyle

_

In Memoriam

too many great names to name
so we’ll just leave it like this

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’18, ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2018

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fifteenie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

 

Thing In A Movie That Was Lame-r Than Your Mom

that there’s a bad guy named after overpriced water

_

 

Thing In A Movie From Another Movie That MOV(i)ED Me

I wasn’t ready and overlooked how amazing the Overlook Hotel shined in Ready Player One

_

 

The 9th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of Please Go Away You Annoy The Living Poop Out of Me Over-Acting Actor Award

Lin-Manual-Miranda’s blimey as I live and breathe attitude as a character that doesn’t matter whatsoever in Mary Poppinz

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Eric Roberts

who had SIXTEEN ‘films’ released in 2018!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

they call him MISTER Rogers

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – this lady be DAMN fine award!!

+

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Kiera Bell

_

Hairing Is Caring 

Brian May & The Men of The Favourite
have the same hair!

 _

KFC Sucks, Except For This One Time

stereotypes are stereo-typical
BUT WORK FINGER LICKING GOOD in

Green Book

_

Möst Bestest Racist Performänce By An Actor With An Ümulat In His Näme

Jasper Pääkkönen in BlacKkKlansman

_

THAT Kid Who May One Day Become a ‘THAT Guy’ Kinda Guy

Jake Ryan from Eighth Grade

_

Art Imitating Itself

Mike Myers Hating ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ in the movie of the same name is genius

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Mailing It In With Mailman Karl Malone

‘Sail Away’ in Eighth Grade

all the Luxing & Grinding in Vox Lux

‘Shallow’

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Rider / Climax / On The Basis of Sex / 7 Days in Entebbe / Juliet, Naked / Her Smell / The Night Comes for Us / Chappaquiddick / Golden Exits

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Honor Kneafsey

&

the aforementioned

Jasper Pääkkönen

_

 

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

didn’t realize all those cheesy Burt Reynolds car movies were actually awesome

+

Wes Anderson and Jacques Henri Lartigue

So Tell Me Again, Why Did You Have To Die? Part VII

 

Sports Meet Movies Collection

BEST MOVIES OF 2018:

Boy Erased
Ben Is Back
Beautiful Boy
A Boy Named Ben
Ben Is Beautiful
Lucas Hedges: Live on Broadway
Ben, My Sweet Sweet Boy
Who Erased Ben?
Lucas Hedges: Back on Broadway
2 Beautiful 2 Boys
Gotti

— Alex Blagg (@alexblagg) December 6, 2018

_

 

Movies To Look For In The ‘019

 

Duo: A Star Wars Story

A Loud Place

HellFraiser

Second Man

Stan & Deliver 

18 Fast, 18 Furious

_

In Memoriam

 

too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this

_

don’t forget to peep out our ’17,  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2017

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Fourteenthial Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

 

Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants

trying to make Rose from Star Wars
The Last Jedi a thing

_

 

Second Thing In A Movie That Pissed Me Off More Than Urinating In and/or On My Own Pants AND That Wasn’t Leia Flying In Space

the environmental message of freeing the DUMBo animals in Last Jedi

_

 

The 8th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The You Think You’re An Actress And Maybe You Are But You Annoy The Living Bejesus Out Of Me Every Time I See You On Screen And I Want You Gone So Please Stop Acting Award

go away

Lily James & her teef

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Dan Stevens

who had SEVEN flix released in 2017!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

anything Rihanna was doing in Valerian

_

Begging For More Begbie

there is nothing better than Begbie, the best part of Trainspotting 2

so forget about making a 3rd one and just make a stand alone Begbie movie please

_

Bob’s Big Girls (& Boys)
aka
The 2017 Bobbies!

these bobbies are darin!

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Eiza González

 & 

Anjela Nedyalkova

 & 

Hot Aunt May

 & 

 

Gosling’s sister’s rack

 & 

 Salacious B Crumb sitting on a toilet, reading Playboy

 

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Ana de Armas 

_

 

FOAM Alone!

aka hottest NON-human part of any movie

the foam from Dunkirk

 

_

 

Hairing Is Caring AND Sexy

 

Come for the tennis, and then literally COME watching this hairdressing scene!!!

 _

 

Würstest BESTEST Date Movie/Witherspoonfest
of 2017

 

I can’t believe I typed this

Home Again

_

Best Boys On The Side Player

THIS GUY!!!!

 from I, Tonya

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion – ‘Bellbottoms’ in Baby Driver (somehow I forgot this song existed)

hologram Elvis in Blade Runner 2049

Bowie’s In Space

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

It Comes at Night / Marrowbone / The Girl with All the Gifts / All Nighter / Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie / The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Ninja N. Devoe

Flint Beverage

&
David Buttolph

_

 

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

i made all these Kao Kan gifs for you

this logo

Why I Love David Fincher’s Zodiac

 

where leia’s hair buns
were inspired from

Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones and Sean Young as Marion Ravenwood!!!!!!!!

Eworks on Ice!

_

 

Movies To Look For In The ‘018

 

Four Billboards Outside of Branson, Missouri

Boss Toddler

DiPs

Hello Robin Christopher

The Man Who Invented Hanukkah

Rebel in the Pumpernickel

17 Fast, 17 Furious

_

In Memoriam

 

too many great names to name, so we’ll just leave it like this

 

_

don’t forget to peep out our  ’16,  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2015

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Twelvethie Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

The Trash Humpers Biggest Piece of Humpy Trash Film of the Year!!!!!

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl

this movie makes me so mad cause it tries so hard to be cool and its the furthest thing from coeol, but it’s the closet thing to sucking poop from an ass

_

Most Entenmann’staining
Film of the Year

The Danish Girl

which was sadly NOT about danishes

_

 

The 6th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK This Joke/Career Muss Be Stopped Now Award

I still don’t get the deal that is

Rooney Mara

(who looks exactly like Disney’s Ichabod Crane)

_

 

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
She Didn’t Like
Girl of The Year

 

Alicia Vikander

who had 7 flix released in 2015!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

_

Hairing Is Caring

Paul Giamatti as two different assholes
with two different asshole wigs

runner up – the wigs of The Big Short

_

Nice Piece of Glass

Iris Apfel’s and her
endless collection of glasses

_

Cry Me A Rivers

Melissa does mom Joan proud in Joy

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The Bobbies!

these bobs are muy deniro!

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

we wants 2eat Courtney Eaton
2 the max

 & 

she’s fast AND she’s furious

 & 

Anne Hathaway’s sweater puppies
in The Intern

&

I’d follows Maika Monroe anywhere

+

Spectrefapping

_

 

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Scariest Eyes

Johnny Depp’s scary ass
depp blue eyes!!!!

 in Black Mass

_

Würstest Date Movie of 2014

Son of Saul

_

 

Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Raffey Cassidy

&

Evan Bird

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

The John Hughes Driving Tour I Sorta Invented!

Han Solo Hands Things to Rey

GENE HACKMAN AS DOC BROWN??????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Carrie Fisher’s adorable daughter Billie Lourd

THAT GUY is married to a 4 time Academy Award winning costume designer!!!!!

Buddy Ebsen was going to play the Tin Man in the 1939 version of The Wizard of Oz

Major League cards by Topps

THERE WERE FEMALE PILOTS IN RETURN OF THE JEDI!!!

a street called Lois Lane

Margot Kidder is SuperFLY!!!!!!!!

 

Woody Allen toots

Happy 99th Birthday Olivia de Havilland!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Two Women With The Ass Crack Dress

The Kid from Left Field

two VHS tape covers/posters that made me wish I didn’t have eyes as a kid, and STILL creep me out to this very day

The Story of Star Wars 8-track

Funko’s ReAction action figures!!!

+

_

 

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

NWA’s greatest hits

‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ (Violin version) from COBAIN: Montage of Heck

‘You Could’ve Been A Lady’ by Hot Chocolate from Mistress Ameirca

Ellie Goulding – ‘Love Me Like You Do’

the Carol Sountrack

the Joy soundtrack

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

 

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Lady In The Van / Under Milk Wood / 90 Minutes in Heaven / The Duff / Inside Out / The Longest Ride / Trumbo / The Big Short / Run All Night / Boonie Bears: Mystical Winter / Steve Jobs

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Doodles Weaver

& Man Mountain Dean

& Steele Stebbins 

_

 

Movies To Look For In The ‘016

Bridge of Thighs

Uranus Descending 

The Woman from A.U.N.T.

Untitled Unfunny Judd Apatow Movie

Breasts of Some Nation

Terminator Levitycus

Magic Mike XS

33 Jump Street: Generations

15 Fast, 15 Furious

_

 

In Memoriam

Spock

Dracula/Scaramanga/Lord Summerisle/Saruman/Count Sudoku

Omar Sharif

Wes

 

Albert Maysles

 

The Other Dick Van + Jerry’s Wife/Ben’s Mom/Anne Meara + THE John Steed + Jason Voorhees’ mom + Stand By Me‘s Milo Pressman

Fagin

Leatherface & Maureen O’Hara

that suave-ass French actor who was in Octopussy

One Crazy Negron
& Rod Taylor and Ekberg

+ the guy who designed this

Dean Jones & Dickie Moore
& Jean Darling

Cindy Mancini

That Woman From Every 80s/90s Movie

Uggie

&

Mister Deltoid

_

 

don’t forget to peep out our ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

if you got this far, pat yourself on the back, then yer balls

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…