Thighs Wide Shut

WE STILL LOVE ALL OF YOU LADIES!!!! (mostly)

Her Royal Thighness The I – Lindsay Lohan

Her Royal Thighness The II – Elisha Cuthbert

Her Royal Thighness The III - Maria  Sharapova

 

Her Royal Thighness The IV - Charlotte Church

Her Royal Thighness The V - Keira Knightley

Her Royal Thighness The VI Warshawski – Nadine Coyle

Her Royal Thighness The VII – Camilla Belle

Her Royal Thighness The VIII – Leonor Watling

Her Royal Thighness IX - Malin Åkerman

then we stopped naming Thighnessers, but pretty much the X one is

India Reynolds

honorable mentions and spare heirs were always

Mischa Barton

and

Lucy Pinder

most of all, we love you, our dear readers

Friday the 13th
Who Could Axe For More? Everyone!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Jason Voorhees is back and he’s badder than ever just about the same/lame as you remember him! Producer Michael Bay and director Marcus Nispel (not to be confused with Nipsey Russell) have reteamed to remake/not improve upon another horror classic, like they pointlessly did with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (although we still stand by the claim that the TCM prequel was > than the Star Wars prequels). This is the 11th Friday the 13th movie (or 12th, if you count Freddy vs Jason) and you know they aint gonna stop making these until you stop paying to see em, or at least until they hit #13. Called a ‘reboot’ (still officially one of the wurstest/most annoying terms used in print, since at least 2006), this new and not at all scary FT13 is about as necessary as owning a They Are Who We Thought They Wereâ„¢ hat (come to think of it, owning that hat is kinda necessary). At least the moviemakers (we wouldn’t dare call them ‘filmmakers’) had the common indecency to include some solid T&A and have their refarted characters (including this dude who totally wishes he was Matt McCoughney circa Dazed & Confused and Aaron Yoo, who is also known as annoying Asian guy, but is not as annoying as this annoying Asian guy) spew dialog that was kinda sorta high-lariously written, such as ‘Your tits are stupendous!‘. Next up for Bay (and Nipsey Nispel) is a repooping of A Nigthmare on Elm Street, followed by a repoop of The Birds with Naomi Watts. What’s with all the repoops Bay? If you love these classics so much and want to introduce them to a whole new generation of moviegoers why don’t you juss re-release the originals in theaters (juss like the successful run of The Exorcist in 2000) instead of repooping all over them? Repoop!

Damsels In Dis-Dress:

gawd bless the bodies of work of Julianna Guill, Danielle Panabaker & Willa Ford… although cutie-pie mcgee/young Jeanne Tripplehorn look-alike Panabaker sadly keeps her clothes on the entire time

Verdictgo: with all this repoop talk, you’d think that this would be a no doubt repoopulous affair, but it’s not entirely unwatchable, so Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Push
It Comes To Shove
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Push looks 100% awesome, but makes -348386 sense and is about .001% entertaining. It’s kinda like Heroes or X-Men, where everyone and yer nana has a special power and everyone else is out to get them, yet it’s more confusing and doesn’t star Greg Grunberg or is directed by Brett Ratner. It hactually stars a sorta growns up Dakota Fanning (who draws the future like that drawer of the future from Heroes) and that dude from Amistad and that guy who’s the flaming gay brother of Jessica Alba and Camilla belle’s eyebrows, which are so hot, but for most of the movie they make her too sweaty and beat-up looking, which totally is not her steez, but later on in the movie she cleans up and looks like good old Camilla Belle and she’s the bestest belle since Albert Belle was on the O’s, justin case you plumb forgot. We can’t remember what the premise of the movie was or what anyone’s powers were (besides the power of Asians screaming) or why any of it mattered, but wethinks it inolved some sorta ongoing battle between the Movers, Pushers, Wacthers, Bleeders, Sniffs, Shifters, Wipers, Shadows and Stitchers (thanks Wikipedia!). Wonder if the Movers are also Shakers and if any Quakers are also Shakers and if any of them live in Shaker Heights, Ohio? Are you as lost as Hurley? So are we, so we’ll stop now and forever hold our peace pipe about a movie so hard to watch that it makes the new Friday The 13th look like the old Friday The 13th

We Wanna Be Her Pusher: meat 李小璐 aka Li Xiao Lu aka Jacqueline Li aka Lu Lu aka our future wife

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Friday and Push are currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Uninvited
Répondez S’il Vous Plaîted Out, With A Side of Hotttt Sisters
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

lettuce be honest hear. there were only two reasons we saw this movie and one of them wasn’t that The Uninvited was a well shot, beautifully located, yet ultimately subdued and subpar remake of the Korean nightmareclusterfudge A Tale of Two Sisters (Janghwa, Hongryeon)

reason #1!

Emily Browning, that adorable girl with those luscious jackson lips that sink ships from Lemony Snicket, who we can finally talk dirty about cause the girl will be/is a woman soon/now finally/finally (aka, she’s legal seafood now!)

reason #2!

Arielle Kebbel, who has one of the moistest fun names to say, especially in her ear, when we’re giving her the old in-out, in-out. she’s always in crappy movies and we feel bad for her. we also feel her up

these sweet cheeked cheekie cheeks play sweet cheeked cheekie cheek sisters in The Sixth Sense The Hand That Rocks The Cradle What Lies Beneath The Uninvited. their dad is Edward R Murrow and he’s totally banging Elizabath ‘Apparently I Never Turn Down Any Script’ Banks. they don’t like her (we’re starting to feel the same way) and they think she killed their mumsy. the whole time we’re led to believe that Banks did kill their mums, but can it be as simple as that? or is there a twist heading our way that’s about as twisty as The Fat Boys’ cover of the Chubby Checker cover of the Hank Ballard and the Midnighters original song? or both? or neither?

who cares cause it’s all about the Browning-Kebbel eye and thigh candy up on the big screen. unfortch these aren’t the kinda sisters that take showers together to save time and the earth’s resources, so our consolation prize is one lil scene where they hold hands in bed. it’s nuttin to fax home about, but we haven’t been this eggcited by a bed sharing scene between two hotties we sweat more than the fat people sweat in Sweatin’ To The Oldies since The Quiet, aka the movie where TWO Her Royal Thighnesses (Cuthbest and Camilla Ring Our Belle) share a bed cause nature intended it! Speaking of Her Royal Thighnessesesses, our current one (that’s Leonor Watling, for those praying at home) juss gave birth to a bebé that isn’t ours so it’s off with her head!! while we search thigh and low for her replacement, the raw offices of Browning-Kebbel will fill in as temporary HRTs. which lady in weighting do you bee leave is moist deserving of sitting on the throne of Thighland and sitting on our face?

The Ending of a Don Era: although he’s in the movie for 8.6 seconds, The Uninvited marks the very last motion picture performance of our main man amongst Charles Mann, Don S. Davis. you may know him breast as Scully’s Dad or the other voice of Wild Bill or that dude from that show, but in our hearts and in our farts, he will always remain Major Garland Briggs

breast in peace Major!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges, although the chicks are BREAST IN SHOW!!

The Uninvited is currently playing at a theater new Jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

meat Zita Vass, aka Californication‘s Destiny
who was ‘mouth raped’ by Hank [NSFW]

she’s so fine that even Sarah Palin would f%ck her

meat the adorable cutie pie mcgee guest star from last week’s Gossip Girl Laura Leigh. she’s a recent Juilliard grad with two first names and no IMDb profile. she’ll be appearing in some play next month starring Jason Bigggggs. we want to pinch her cheeks, both sets

Jenna Fischer has a new beau, and sadly it’s not us or Beau Bridges

Lohag’s dressing up as a lesbian for Halloween

Kenley Spears hottier than Kenley Collins

the Jonas Bros get to molest Camille Belle and her eyebrows. wonder if this plea for her hand in marriage had anything to do with it

where have you gone Joe Dimaggio? and moist importantly, where the fred funk have you gone YouTube’s ‘original size’ button?

Deconstruction of Famous Personalities

Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

What is the meaning of PEZ?

Coney Island Beard and Moustache Competition

Gameboy

SFW XXX, probably not so SFW [Time Werespanko]

we’re off to B-town tonight for mad ranch sauce farts
so no postage tomorrow
so get yer stamps st else wear