Thighs Wide Shut

mo quick hitz!

The Lighthouse

Bless you Robert Eggers.  You know how to strike a mood, and give us the heebie jeebies.  In making a movie about two Lighthouse keepers not keeping sane, you drove us insane, and made quite the pretty picture in the process.  It felt like watching a full-length, b&w version of the part in the R.E.M. ‘Losing My Religion’ video where the spotlight shines on the two dudes

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Richard Jewell

Clint Eastwood makes good movies with few surprises, and Richard Jewell is more of the same goodness that comes with and has no surprises.  And it’s certainly no surprise how amazing Paul Walter Hauser is as the title character.  He can fill out any uniform he’s given (did you see him in I, Tonya??), and outperform most people he’s acting along side with.  I’m not a big ‘awards matter’ kinda guy (considering Zodiac has next to none), but not getting a best (supporting) actor nomination is as great an injustice to Hauser as whatever happened to Jewell was!!! Eastwood should make a movie about Hauser’s injustice, and he can play himself!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

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Bombshell

Every year there seems to be a left cinematic takedown on the right, and no matter how liberal my beliefs are (free fried chicken for all!), even I think these take-downs are wearing a bit thin on society.  Preaching to the choir does nothing for the choir.  Then again, Bombshell isn’t as angry, dumb and udderly pointless as last year’s Vice was.  And it’s more than juss saying how horrible Fox News and the right media is, it’s about how horrible they treated women!  Hot women! Mildly nice looking women!  And the dogs!  But the real reason this movie works and keeps yer eyes glued to it is cause the make-up and hair work is beyond comp-HAIR!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Little Women

I know nothing really of Louisa May Alcott or her work. I’m sure it’s revered for a reason.  I skipped the previous 1994 iteration of her Little Women (and how did I???  it has both Susan Sarandon AND Winona Ryder!!!), and the 1949 version and the 1933 version.  So going off Greta Grrrrrrrrwig’s 2019 version, all I can say is… maybe this movie would have been more captivating had they spoke in British accents??  I dunno, feels like much to do about zilch-a-rooney.  The only thing I really liked was seeing Louis Garrel‘s nose every 30 or so minutes in the movie.  The rest was too little to care about.  Also, did everyone who voted Florence Pugh into a nomination for this, see her BETTER performance, and a performance for the new ages, in Midsommar?????  All those people, f’shame.  May you be sewn into a bear!!!

Verdictgo:  Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

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still have some more to see before making my top picks for 2019.  1917 is one of thems.  most recent odds have 1917 as the main favorite to win best picture.  we’ll see!!  maybe I’ll juss hold out for 1918

caught up on a lot of movies.  no time to devote full diatribes – so quick hitz!

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

Skywalker works because it wasn’t The Last Jedi.  You really screwed the pooch Rian Johnson.  Can’t blame J.J. for trying to right/write the ship when he was handed a mess and a mop and bucket, and had the impossible task of moving on with Princess Leia, when you don’t really have her.  Kudos to you J.J.  I knew this would work when early in the film they were like, hey Rose, wanna join us on this adventure, and she was like, sorry, I need to stay back and be thrown in character jail.  I literally cheered out loud when that happened.

When did servicing fans become a bad thing?  This is a continued trilogy of the original trilogy.  We want more of the same.  Save different fom the next non-Skywalker trilogy

Only REAL misfire?  Lando was underused and basically a waste.  Still, he’s one smooth muther fcuker!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Hustlers

This movie is a piece of garbage.  You’d think a movie with endless beautiful actresses barely wearing anything, and riding on poles and crotches for almost two hours would be something watchable.  It’s not.  You count down the seconds until these ‘hustlers’ are caught and the credits roll.  Jo-L deserves a Razzie more than a nomination for any actual award of merit.  She’s a talented entertainer, but not even remotely a talented actress.  Cardi B was no better, but I will admit, I enjoyed seeing her Cardi DD ‘talents’ out on display.  Stay away and just read the original article it’s based on.  It’s enuff to get you off

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

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Parasite (기생충)

If a foreign language movie can keep my attention and grab it (on home viewing) – it’s a success, and Parasite is way more than a success.  It’s like Us, but actually well done and meaningful.

Also, it’s two crazed movies within one.  The first half is a melancholy comedic grifter flick, and then when we go into the basement, it becomes a psychological horror show that’s real horrorshow!

Also, that house should get an award for best movie house!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

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The Last Black Man in San Francisco

I love movies that are soulful postcards of cities.  My Winnipeg comes to mind as one of the best I’ve seen this century. Last Black Man in San Francisco isn’t the best, but it has soul, and the postcard is really damn pretty.  Plus, Emile Mosseri’s score is one of the best scores I’ve heard since Michael Nyman’s for Wonderland.  SCORE!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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Knives Out

Big stars and a whole lot of big nothing. I’m late to the game here but I don’t see what the big deal is.  Sure, we all like large group Agatha Christie whodunits, but this whodidn’t.  It wishes it was clever.  It wishes it was Clue.  It has a nice title treatment, and Ana de Armas is nice to look it.  The rest??? Blow me Rian Johnson.  Wait, blow yourself.  You can tell he had already been doing so with his ‘snappy’ and ‘witty’ script

Verdictgo: Whatever – it’s not Clue

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stay tuned.  more to pun

Uncut Gems
Sterling, Sharp
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 134 min

This isn’t one of those Adam Sandler movies where he gets hit in the balls for laughs.  It’s the kind where he gets his balls stomped on. YOU GO SANDLER!!!  YOU GO GET YOUR BALLS STOMPED ON!!!  Why don’t you go to that balls stomped on place more often?  Maybe all Adam’s ever needed was to have them Safdie Bros turn his softie-self into the hardie he always needed to be.  Uncut Gems finds the Safdie’s picking up where they left off with their last feature – GoodTime – but ramp up the intensity and insanity a notch here + adding some unlikely excellent supporting work by Kevin Garnett, and even Mike Francesa(???!!!!). Fun, and wrenching throughout, but you may just be a bit too on edge by the time the insanity jumps of the cliff at the very end.  Balls to the wall Sandler!  Stomp on!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

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A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
Better Off Fred
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG | 109 min

See the MOS EGGSALAD doc Won’t You Be My Neighbor? instead – and pass on this movie altogether, which uses Mister Rogers and his show as a vehicle for a journalist’s journey of self-discovery and therapy for cleaning up his life.  The problem?  The journalist is sorta real, but his life story is wholly fictionalized, and not even that interesting to begin with.  Still, Hanks IS incredible and you MUSS see his performance, but wait til it hits Blockbuster Video, and just FFwd to all his WONDERFUL parts

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badgers

Gems gleams and Neighboorhood needs some new neighbors, currently at a theater near jews and white nationlists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Irishman
Unionfellas
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 210 min

There is MUCH to praise about Marty’s latest grand spicy meatball (unbelievable sets and costumes!  DeNiro is best when he is quiet!  Pacino is even bester when he’s loud!  And dancing with women!!  Tommy The Tit IS the tits!!  Lums!!!  that’s what happened to Jimmy Hoffa??  Do I still need to see the Jack Nicholson Hoffa now??  The ‘I know you’re up to no good‘ stare of the young daughter that eventually grows up to become the ‘I know you’re up to no good‘ stare of Anna Paquin!).  And there is little to dismiss.  Sure, it doesn’t pack the intense dramatic swings and badda-blams that Goodfellas or Casino did, and yeah, the runtime isn’t fully justified – the last half hour needed to be condensed into about 3 minutes, but I’m not here for any of this.  I’m here to mention one thing…

Joe Pesci unforgettably played eerily-eye-browed conspirator David Ferrie in Oliver Stone’s JFK

and in The Irishman, Joe Pesci does not play David Ferrie (a guy named Louis Vanaria does), but he namechecks Ferrie as someone DeNiro needs to meet up with – ‘a fairy named Ferrie‘

and this full circledness is my (movie world) everything

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Irishman gets lucky on your Netflixing machines 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Last Christmas
Wham! Bam! Mostly No Thank You Ma’am?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

For 18/19ths of this movie (which I brought an infant in a stroller to!!!  BEST DAD EVER), I was like, this is worse than a Hallmark Christmas movie!!!!  THERE’S NOT EVEN A SINGLE GAZEBO IN THIS FILM!!!  AND MICHELLE YEOH, WTF??  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SOURPUSS PRISS IN EVERY MOVIE NOW (co-starring Henry Golding)?????  GO AWAY MICHELLE YEOH!!!!  Crazy BITCH Asian, amirite????

But then a twist happens around the 18/19th mark and the plot is revealed to be the lyrics to the title Wham! track and I was like, WOAH!  THIS MOVIE IS NO LONGER AWFUL!  It’s a joy!!! And hey, look, there’s Andrew Ridgley!!  Who sadly was not dressed up like this…

or this

Jitterbug!

Verdictgo: NOT AWFUL!

Chistmas Lasts at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…