wait, they making a Bates Motel TV show with Bud Cort, Lori Petty and Jason Bateman???? 

oh wait, they already did and it was totes bad idea jeans, and beyond totes bad reality jeans too!!!

but wait, they’re doing a Bates Motel TV show again?  yeah, but the premise isn’t stoopid or involve Bud Cort or Lori Petty (no disrespect).  it’s about young fidgety Norman Bates and his domineering hot mother moving to a new town and owning a… MOTEL!!!!!!!!!!

wait, isn’t that what Psycho IV with Henry Thomas is was????

kinda, but that movie was made for cable and co-starred female Bill Cosby, so you know it mostly kinda sucks

look, we love Psycho.  it’s in a five-way tie for 2nd greatest film ever (along with Kane, Clockwork, Zodiac and Trainspotting… It’s A Wonderful Life is #1).  we’ve seen all 4 Psycho movies (#2 is actually pretty good!).  we even stayed awake during that dreck where Tony Hopkins was Batman’s Penguin cause it sorta had something to do with Psycho.  we ever read a book about Janet Leigh’s shower body double.  we’d even read a book about the actual shower, if one was written

Psycho is much bigger than one movie or even 4 of them and a failed TV show and a zillion other things.  Psycho‘s a boogeyman we never want to let go of.  we keep going back to the Bates home and that motel and try to figure out why?  and how?  Why Norman?  and how did you get this way?  and why?  and how???

well, we’ve seen the pilot episode of A&E’s new series – Bates Motel, and we never want to check out.  yep, this show gets it (right).  and it’s not cheesy, and there’s no Bud Cort or female Bill Cosby.  maybe the best thing to happen to the franchise was for Anthony Perkins to pass away.  Old Norman Bates has no legs.  But young Norman Bates????  Yes, that’s what we want to see.  Doing stuff with and to his mom, in that house, with that motel at the bottom of it.  But wait, doesn’t this TV show take place in modern times??????  EEEEEEKKK, it does.  But guess what – we quickly got over it, so, so can you, so!  why?  cause this show’s killer and we hope it remains so.  plus Freddie Highmore as young Bates is like Vanessa Hudgens in Spring Breakers = throw away your childish old movie garbage ideas about him and strap on some adult stuff that’s edgy and awesome!!!!!  Oh, and Vera Farmiga as Mama Bates is perfect, cause her eyes have always creeped us out, and now she’s playing a creepy mother of the creepiest character of (PERHAPS) all time

dude, book a room, NOW

+ this girl has mad potential hotness.  hopefully she bones Norman with that thing still in her nose!!

Spring Breakers 
Bikini Overkill
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Harmony Korine‘s Spring Breakers is exactly what you’d think/expect/want it to be.  Maybe more, maybe less, but dude, in the end, it’s fcuking Spring Breakers!!! It’s Korine’s most mainstream movie to date (a good thing), but not necessarily his best (it’s RIGHT up there, but kinda hard to top the depth and beauty of Mister Lonely), but for those who don’t know the difference between Gummo and Chico & The Man, juss go and see it and have your eyes melt  

Spring Breakers is like one long episode of UK’s Skins, but neonier, pastelier, gangstier, and way dirtier, but it doesn’t go ALL THE WAY disgustingly dirty (this isn’t Enter The Void, but it is the same cinematographer!), cause if it did, we’d despise this movie, instead of being energized by it.  Actually, it’s more like this Skins promo, which was raunchier than anything on the actual show, although the show itself was pretty raunchy.  So lets juss say the Spring Breakers‘ is Skins‘ very American cousin, k?  (wait, you’ve seen Skins, right????)

Much has been made about former Disney starlets Vanessa Hudgens (WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY WIFE????) & Selena Gomez being turned into Korine harlots, and much should be made about it, cause you get to see sides of these girls that you’ve never seen before –  their acting talents the sides of their boobs, and butts!!  Dude, Spring Breakers!!  But don’t get too excited.  The one Spring Breaker who drops trou more than the others is Korine’s real life wife, Rachel Korine, the least looker of the bunch.  Drats.  But put away your calls of nepotism, cause Rachel kinda sorta feels like a well-needed mother-figure to these tween-sweetheart tarts of raging pleasure, even if she’s raging more than all of them combined.  Oh, and the fourth breaker is Pretty Little Liar‘s Ashley Benson, and she’s hotter than mercury on the surface of Mercury!!!!   Oh man, bless this foursome, especially since their entire wardrobe consists of bikinis.  All they wanted was spring break.  So what if they had to rob a BBQ joint with ski-masks, water guns and sledgehammers to make it happen???

After a bunch of endless days and nights of typical collegiate beach partying, the girls break bad when they get tangled up with wankster drug & arms mini-kingpin James Franco (this is when the movie starts to REALLLLLLY click its heels/grillz).  He crosses every line, especially the line of looking like a human being.  Muss be why he goes by the name of Alien.  He’s like the slimiest white dude to ever sport cornrows, and pretty much every white dude that sports cornrows is the slimiest white dude ever (his helpers - The ATL Twins – don’t have cornrows, but they’s slimy in their own special way)  

But the girls take to him, and he giveth back to them.  Ya see, the girls live for spring break.  They don’t want it to ever end.  James Franco’s Alien is the embodiment of spring break never ending.  They want to be him (cept for Gomez).  He wants them to be with him, and in him.  They sing Britney Spears songs together with guns in hand at sunset.  It doesn’t get much better than this, but then it does.  PLEASE DON’T LET SPRING BREAK EVER END!!!! 

But things go wrong, but not too wrong, cause the girls get what they want in the end - a spring break for the ages.  This is ultimately a ‘happy’ story.  A scary happy story, a nightmare that never felt better.  Every minute flirts with disaster, but the next minute keeps molesting you with laughter  

This film is a grower.  As the hours, now days pass, the more and more we fcuking hate that spring break in Spring Breakers ended.  Sure, it’s over, but it aint never over.  I keep hearing James Franco calmly chanting, ‘spreeeng braaaake, spreeeng braaaaaaaaake‘ in my ear.  You’ll hear it too.  And you also won’t be able to get this image out of yer head anytime soon neither, and why would you want it to leave your head???

Spring break forever.  Spring Breakers forever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: it ages like fine wine.  thought it was purty darn good yesterday and now methinking it’s Breast In Show.  give me a week and I’ll proclaim it better than Zodiac

Spring Breakers breaks loose this Friday in NY/LA and elsewhere elsewhen 

oh, and animated gif posters should become the new posters

oh, and this Vanessa Hudgens poster will hang in every room of my house, and every inch of my brain.  Vanessa Hudgens (looking eggzactly like this) 9evvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

remember how crazy/sexy/cool the Death Star’s laser control room is/was???!!!!!!!

guess what – IT’S A REAL PLACE (a steam plant in Los Angeles) AND THAT PLACE STILL FCUKING EGGGGSSSIITTTTTSSSSSSSS YO & IT STILL LOOKS/PARTYS LIKE IT’S 1977 DEATH STAR YO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[via SW]

further reading/stupidity…

• superlaser – wookieepedia

• the dudes who shoot the superlasers are called Imperial Gunners, and the daftest punkiest one of them all is supposedly called Tenn Graneet

• Resizing the Death Star Operators

and (any eggscuse to re-post this)

picked the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2012

and now, for the only awards that matter…

9thishendith Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

The Death To Smoochy Würstest Picture AND The Gus van Sant Most Pretentious Holy French Gar-bagé Film of the Year!!!!!

Holy Motors Shit

dishonrable mentions for also sucking a$$…

Hunger Lames & Hitchsucks

_

Favoriteisteest Performance
of The Year
Barr None

Tara Lynne Barr

in the not so great God Bless America

_

The 3rd Annual
Greta Grrr Wig
Recipient of The OK
This Joke/Career
Muss Be Stopped Now Award

Chris O’Dowd

we get it, you’re Irish, bearded, and loud, now go away

_

Always Bet On These Lil Shirley Temple Black (& White) Children

Quvenzhané Wallis / The Impossible trio –  Tom Holland, Oaklee Pendergast & Samuel Joslin / David Rauchenberger /  Max Charles / Ella Purnell / Gulliver McGrath / Shannon Beer / Thomas Doret / Brady Hender and Nick Nervies (above) /  Judd Apatow’s kids

_

The Samuel L Jackson Never Met A Script He Didn’t Like Guy of The Year

 

Bryan Cranston

who had 7 flix released in 2012!!

_

Comeback of The Year

that wasn’t Rodriguez

The 1972 Warner Bros logo as seen in Argo and Magic Mike

_

Facial Hair That Cares

tie  

Rory Cochrane in Argo

& James Spader in Lincoln 

bonus shout-out to
Marcel Herrand in 1945’s Les Enfants du Paradis

_

Würstest Hitchcock
Impersonation/Make-Up Job
That Was More Like
A TV’s Batman Penguin
Impersonation/Embarrassment

Anthony Hopkins ‘as’ Hitchcock in Hitchsucks

_

Würstest Baseball Play-By-Play Call
By A Former Member of ‘N Sync

Justin Timberlake
in Trouble With The Play-By-Play

_

Bob’s Big Girls – The Bobbies!

Bae Donna as Sonmi-451 in Cloud Atlas 
+7 other winners!

_

 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman = WOWWWWWW

Ali Cobrin showing off her American boobs in American Reunion [NSFW]

the Skyfall Bond Girls

that kid from Project X was in nerd porn [NSFW]

Marion Cotillard is rusty, but she bones without 2 legs [NSFW]

the hunt for naked Helen Hunt never ends!!! [NSFW]

Paperwoman

+

Apron We Wish Was
More Like AprOFF!!

Dreama Walker in an apron!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with nothing else in Compliance

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

Amanda Seyfried in Lez Snooze

_

Heathcote Most Worth Bellaing

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s

Bella Heathcote

in Dark Shadows and Not Fade Away

_

The LAC Daddy Mommy

aka Bestest Eyes That Aren’t Amanda Seyfried’s
or Bella Heathcote’s 

Lauren Ashley Carter in Premium Rush

_

Face Timeless

Tim McMullan’s face in The Woman In Black

 _

Miscecallous Things That Either Stepped Up or Stepped Down More Than Peter Gallagher’s Eyebrows Did In Step-Up 99999-D 

everything about The Tin Drum

those Robot & Frank VGC-60L posters

remembering the forgotten McDonalds scenes
in the original Red Dawn

Bradley Cooper as a student asked Robert DeNiro a question on Inside The Actor’s Studio

The Ancient Booer is still alive!!!!!

trying to figure out what ‘Wuthering’ means

Bob Marley’s dad was a white dude

our Prometheus review

that poor kid with the fish lips

I keep forgetting that Crispin Glover didn’t play George McFly in Back to the Future II and III

and wait, Michael Keaton was originally in Purple Rose of Cairo??

farting and hand jobs do not need to be seen
in 70mm or even 1mm

jury’s still out on 48fps

an athletic center grows in a former movie palace in Brooklyn

goodbye Lucas, hello better new Star Wars

Warhol of Fame

Javier Dean Bardem Morgan

the American dumphole palace to end all dumphole palaces can be yours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DB Sweeney retweeted our DB Sweeney tweet!!!!!

when is WB gonna let DB Sweeney @actordbsweeney make a DB Cooper biopic, sponsored by WB Mason, and soundtrack by BBD? — thigh masteя (@thighmaster) February 5, 2013

_

Songs That Execute Butter Than Norman Mailer’s Bong Hobbit Pipe

anything by Rodriguez

‘Ici Londres’ and ‘Qui Aimes-tu?‘ by Chiara Mastroianni & Paul Schneider in Beloved (Les Bien Aimés)

‘Skyfall‘ by Adele

Les Surfs – ‘Tú serás mi baby (Be My baby)’ from Tabu

anything sung by Katpoop Everdeen

the theme from Django and Django Unchained

Katy Perry’s ‘Firework’ in Rust & Bone

Beasts of the Southern Wild soundtrack

The Cloud Atlas sextet

and my fav of the year…

‘Let My Baby Ride‘ in Holy Motors

and the würst

‘Señor Don Gato’ by Hani Furstenberg in The Loneliest Planet
(be thankful I can’t find a clip of it)

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor we are going back to naming our trailer award after him!)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

 

+

& the würst

& the würrstetst

& twinsies würsteresteserteestsers!!!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

The Devil Inside / Joyful Noise / Coriolanus / The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel / Rust and Bone /The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure / Frankenweenie / Here Comes the Boom / Fun Size / The Man with the Iron Fists / Jack Reacher

_

Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award

(not limited to actors)

Wilfred Pickles / Pumpsie Green / Gonnie Baars / Bibhutibhushan Bandyopadhyay / Scoot McPoop / Billy Butts / Barend Barendse / Hella Kürty / Sky Low Low / Chill Wills / Cutter Dykstra / Poodles Hanneford / Tuffy Genders / Mimis Fotopoulos / Kittens Reichert / Toon Kortooms / Sal Pacino 

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘013

Mexican remake of DC Cab 

Jiro Dreams of Dreama Walker

Project XI

Abraham Lincoln: Holly Hunter

12 Fast, 12 Furious

_

In Memoriam

Vampire Baseball

+

Tony Scott & BorgNINEever & Ralph McQuarrie & Enduring Durning & Andy G & Dick D-AWESOME & Ben Gazzarra

+ 

Scary German Guy

don’t forget to peep out our ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

movies are amazing, and so are you 

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

ready for Room 237????