2017 in TV was Tele-LICIOUS.  somehow I still haven’t seen the new Twin Peaks, which is a miracle and a tragedy as the original is my favorite TV show of all time, but I’ll get to it in 2018, I promise – myself!  anywho, here’s all the other stuff from TV that made my heart beat stronger and my shlong beat shlonger…

 

1. Riverdale (CW)

I always need a show in my life that’s the modern equivalent of Beverly Hills 90210.  Riverdale is it (it even has Luke Perry) AND THEN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was even Zodiac love!!!

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2. Mindhunter (Netflix)

Dude, it’s like my dream come true – more of Fincher’s Zodiac!!!

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3. Feud: Bette and Joan (FX)

What Hollywood does to actresses is horrible.  Now AND THEN.  Susan was born to be Bette.  The EYES have it!

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4. Married At First Sight: Second Chances (Lifetime)

I don’t do Bachelor shows, but I love the Married At First Sight series, so when they whored out two former Sighters and let a bunch of whores try to whore all over them – the end result was one giant sloppy mess, and I couldn’t get enough of it!!

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5. American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

Evan Peters is scary as fck!!!  Zodiac!!!  But the real revelation here is Carrie Fisher’s daughter, ready to be her own person – hello Billie Lourd

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6. The Americans (FX)

Martha stuck in Russia is the saddest thing ever in a show of so many sad things ever!

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7. Veep (HBO)

It’s truly amazing how a comedy about the US Presidency could be out clown-showed in real life by our current US President, and even more truly amazing is how the TV show this season was able to re-out clown show the real clown show.  CLOWN SHOW!!!!

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8. The Hunt For the Zodiac Killer (History)

Spoiler alert – they didn’t catch him/her.  BUT LET THEM KEEP TRYING!!!

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9. Curb Your Enthusiasim (HBO)

Long time off, and not much has changed, and that’s fine by me.  Loved the Fatwa advice from Salman Rushdie, like having an excuse to not pick someone up from the airport

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10. Wormwood (Netflix)

Errol Morris at his best, and he’s always at his best, so this is BESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

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11. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

Still, the funniest network comedy going.  Love the shifting focus to the school kids.  Eddie’s friends are more interesting than Eddie!  Bonus props to redhead Trevor Larcom! Bonus bonus props to their Rent ripoff – Brent!

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12. Bates Motel (FX)

Norman Bates COMES full circle, and what better way to COME all over than with Rihanna as Marion Crane!

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+ bone-yessss!! moments

give all the awards in the world to Natasha Bassett who totally speared the lead (and my heart) in Lifetime’s Britney Every After

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the awkward adorableness of Stranger Things 2‘s Snowball Dance

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the theme music of the game show Now You See It

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realizing that I never saw Beverly Hills 90210 Season 4 and loving it beyond belief

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finally watched the final season of The Knick, and I already miss the fcuk out of this guy

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the real life filming locations of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Chelsea Cardwell‘s sexy and sad portrayal of Monica Lewinsky in an ep of Scandal Made Me Famous

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the return of Battle of The Network Stars

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the new Dynasty is mostly garbage, cept Alan Dale remains TV’s finest a$$hole

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BUZZR’s excellent doc about game shows, hosted by Alex Trebek! – Game Changers

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Amazon gets STACKED and streams the original UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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the horrible awfulness amazingness awfulness of the made-for-TV version of Dirty Dancing

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Copycat Killers‘ talking head J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner – for his name, and how he talks, but mainly for his name

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I hope Kendra On Top never stops

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cheering for The Bold Type gals

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booing the girls of Girls. good riddance. YOU FCUKING SUCK!!!

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goodbye Merc Lapidus.  YOU WERE THE ABSO FCUKING BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY MOSTEST FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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wish we could MAKE A DEAL to keep these people with us on earth :(

 

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perv-iously ’16 ’15 ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

not sure they hand out Emmy awards for such a category, but…

Rihanna as Marion Crane on Bates Motel should win mos Outstanding Lead Wet Breasteses in a Drama Series mt EVERbreast!

btw – the show is SOOOO dang fine.  they took something sacred, made it sorta their own, but honored the original material thru and thru

oh man, that TV stuff in 2016!!!

1. The People vs OJ Simpson (FX)

left a PERManent 90s stain on my psyche 

(please note – I didn’t get a chance to watch the ESPN doc series on OJ yet):

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2. The Americans (FX)

poor poor Martha Hanson

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3. Baskets (FX)

Louie Anderson – BIGGEST comeback of the 21st Century!!!

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4. Murder Made Me Famous (REELZ)

a who’s who of horrible human beings – Jodi Arias, Scott Peterson, The Menendez Brothers, Drew Peterson, Ted Bundy, Joran van der Sloot, Pamela Smart, Jean Harris, Billionaire Boys Club, The Preppy Killer, Steven Avery, Charles Manson.  sure, the news is old, but the reenactments are fresh – and I friggin love reenactments!!!  also, the Steve Avery one had me throw out any sympathy that I had formed from watching Making of a Murderer!!!  also, I could listen to Steve Helling talk ALL DAY

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5 & 6. Gotham (Fox) & Supergirl (CBS/CW)

(still) amazing how DC heroes are done OH so right on the small screen, and OH so wrong on the big screen

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7. Younger (TV Land)

this is basically TV’s best kept secret.  Sutton Foster and her teefy smile are infectious!

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8. Shameless (Showtime)

a show I truly hate to watch, cause I always feel the need to take 82929 showers after watching it, but I cannot quit on the Gallaghers, especially now that the little kids are coming into their own, and so is Kevin (above) and his shorter hair!

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9. Bates Motel (A&E)

the show inches closer and closer to the Norman Bates we all know and love, while creating the Norman Bates we never knew anything about.  sad that the upcoming season will be its final one 

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10. Halt and Catch Fire (AMC)

even more ones and zeroes, and four of my favorite TV HEROES!!!!

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11. Drunk History (Comedy Central)

more Rich Fulcher please!

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12. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

 

making broadcast TV comedies fun again, and again!  probably my favorite modern TV family

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other solid forms of entertainments: 

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – it was all a lot of fun AND games, until his efforts to stop Trump were in vain, and I couldn’t watch the show anymore

The Circus – fantastic and immediate election season show was a must watch, although I still haven’t brought myself to watch the final episode.  gasp

The Affair - so so so soo soo excellent that it made me eat Lunch

Maron - nice ending to a show that didn’t seem to have a beginning

Silicon Valley – still my favorite cast on TV

The Last Man Earth – still my 2nd favorite cast on TV

Married At First Sight 4 - finally, some of the people found love

Veep – incredible how the insane politics of this show were outdone by the real insane politics of 2016!

Married by Mom and Dad – what a great bad idea.  its heart is in the right place, even if the hearts don’t end up in the right place

Tyrant - the show ran out of steam, and I was basically done with it once Ashraf Barhom was done

Fargo  - I hope they keep farGOING and GOING!!!

Modern Family – it’s like they’re trying too hard to be funny, and it shouldn’t have to be that way

House of Cards - OMG – the Russian guy is really Mads Mikkelsen’s brother!!!

Game of Thrones - still not as good as HBO’s Rome

Million Dollar Listing New York – I’m sold on Fredrik, Ryan and Luis

Mistresses - so long, goodbye, don’t let your awfulness hit you on the way out

Restaurant Startup – Joe is still an a$$hole, and Tim Love still has giant eyes, and I still cannot miss an episode

11/22/63 – they need to travel back in time and remake the series without James Franco!

Girls - this show needs an abortion from itself

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+ bone-yessss!! moments

long live Mrs Garrett

the BUZZR channel. it’s what the Game Show Network used to be!

Richard Dreyfuss as Madoff!

MTV Classic – what MTV was, and needs to be

me and @sarachka515 make a cameo appearance on #AmericanDinerRevival's episode on Johnny's Luncheonette (as we depart, screen left, happy and stuffed customers)

A video posted by Thigh Master (@thighmaster) on Dec 17, 2016 at 10:12am PST

guessing the Twin Peaks 2017 characters!!

when New York City’s in trouble – who you gonna call? Pat Kiernan!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Growing Pains goes to Europe! and Family Matters goes to Disney World!

They Fcuked With The Babysitter

SUPER DICKMANN’S!!!

the 30 for 30 on the first pitch after 9/11

The Double Dare Reunion!  LONG LIVE HARVEY!!!

The Unknown Flag Raiser of Iwo Jima – rights history’s wrong, AND employed the retired Gene Hackman to tell us!

when Adrien Brody channeled Andrew Dice Clay – which may have been my favorite TV moment of 2016

Debbie Gibson goes Hallmark and gives us an awesome acoustic ‘Only In My Dreams’

and this!!!

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it growing pains me to say goodbye to all these amazing people :(

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+ hail & farewell to…

Charles Osgood on our televisions on Sunday mornings

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Vin Scully calling Dodgers games

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perv-iously ’15 ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

TV is awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tracy Spiridakos’ boobies make Norman want to master Bates Motel 

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the Eels’ ‘Fresh Blood’ aka, the theme from The Jinx: The Life and Deaths of Robert Durst

roxxxxx so hard, and gives me the heeby jeebies!!!

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the unfriendly faces that Tim Love & Joe Bastianich make on Restaurant Startup, aka my favorite show on television!!!!!!

  

but sometimes they smile!!

that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho