2017 in TV was Tele-LICIOUS.  somehow I still haven’t seen the new Twin Peaks, which is a miracle and a tragedy as the original is my favorite TV show of all time, but I’ll get to it in 2018, I promise – myself!  anywho, here’s all the other stuff from TV that made my heart beat stronger and my shlong beat shlonger…

 

1. Riverdale (CW)

I always need a show in my life that’s the modern equivalent of Beverly Hills 90210.  Riverdale is it (it even has Luke Perry) AND THEN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was even Zodiac love!!!

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2. Mindhunter (Netflix)

Dude, it’s like my dream come true – more of Fincher’s Zodiac!!!

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3. Feud: Bette and Joan (FX)

What Hollywood does to actresses is horrible.  Now AND THEN.  Susan was born to be Bette.  The EYES have it!

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4. Married At First Sight: Second Chances (Lifetime)

I don’t do Bachelor shows, but I love the Married At First Sight series, so when they whored out two former Sighters and let a bunch of whores try to whore all over them – the end result was one giant sloppy mess, and I couldn’t get enough of it!!

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5. American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

Evan Peters is scary as fck!!!  Zodiac!!!  But the real revelation here is Carrie Fisher’s daughter, ready to be her own person – hello Billie Lourd

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6. The Americans (FX)

Martha stuck in Russia is the saddest thing ever in a show of so many sad things ever!

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7. Veep (HBO)

It’s truly amazing how a comedy about the US Presidency could be out clown-showed in real life by our current US President, and even more truly amazing is how the TV show this season was able to re-out clown show the real clown show.  CLOWN SHOW!!!!

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8. The Hunt For the Zodiac Killer (History)

Spoiler alert – they didn’t catch him/her.  BUT LET THEM KEEP TRYING!!!

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9. Curb Your Enthusiasim (HBO)

Long time off, and not much has changed, and that’s fine by me.  Loved the Fatwa advice from Salman Rushdie, like having an excuse to not pick someone up from the airport

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10. Wormwood (Netflix)

Errol Morris at his best, and he’s always at his best, so this is BESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

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11. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

Still, the funniest network comedy going.  Love the shifting focus to the school kids.  Eddie’s friends are more interesting than Eddie!  Bonus props to redhead Trevor Larcom! Bonus bonus props to their Rent ripoff – Brent!

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12. Bates Motel (FX)

Norman Bates COMES full circle, and what better way to COME all over than with Rihanna as Marion Crane!

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+ bone-yessss!! moments

give all the awards in the world to Natasha Bassett who totally speared the lead (and my heart) in Lifetime’s Britney Every After

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the awkward adorableness of Stranger Things 2‘s Snowball Dance

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the theme music of the game show Now You See It

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realizing that I never saw Beverly Hills 90210 Season 4 and loving it beyond belief

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finally watched the final season of The Knick, and I already miss the fcuk out of this guy

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the real life filming locations of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Chelsea Cardwell‘s sexy and sad portrayal of Monica Lewinsky in an ep of Scandal Made Me Famous

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the return of Battle of The Network Stars

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the new Dynasty is mostly garbage, cept Alan Dale remains TV’s finest a$$hole

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BUZZR’s excellent doc about game shows, hosted by Alex Trebek! – Game Changers

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Amazon gets STACKED and streams the original UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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the horrible awfulness amazingness awfulness of the made-for-TV version of Dirty Dancing

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Copycat Killers‘ talking head J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner – for his name, and how he talks, but mainly for his name

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I hope Kendra On Top never stops

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cheering for The Bold Type gals

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booing the girls of Girls. good riddance. YOU FCUKING SUCK!!!

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goodbye Merc Lapidus.  YOU WERE THE ABSO FCUKING BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY MOSTEST FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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wish we could MAKE A DEAL to keep these people with us on earth :(

 

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David Fincher’s Zodiac (aka, greatest movie of this century) had two bits of love tossed their way this week on television …

American Horror Story: Cult – Episode 7 “Valerie Solanas Died For Your Sins: Scumbag”

where they revealed the Zodiac killer to be… killerS, by way of Andy Warhol’s real-life would be assassin and her man-hating minions!  and presented in a very Fincheresque manner!

 

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Riverdale – Chapter Fifteen: Nighthawks

a killer is on the loose and in the episode’s closing minutes, to the tune of Donovan’s ‘Season of The Witch’, he strikes again!!!

just like he did in Fincher’s movie, which was set to Donovan’s ‘Hurdy Gurdy Man’

being married kept me away from the movie theatre/theater, and more at home, glued to the good ole boob tube, and that was way OK, cause TV was pretty fraking good in 2014…

1. Married at First Sight (FYI)

A reality show that made us believe in love AND reality TV again, and it all felt so real.  Sometimes happily ever after is possible, even if it’s manufactred

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2. Ray Donovan (Shotwime)

I am SO gay for Gay Donovan and all of its characters, but mostly gay for Jon Voight as Mickey Donovan – perhaps TV’s greatest supporting character of this century!  Every episode plays like a season finale - packed with more wallop than one could ever wall-down.  WALLOP!!!

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3. American Horror Story: Freak Show (FX)

Scariest sh!t television has ever seen (MAYBE!).  From Twisty the clown (and his super sad backstory) to Finn Wittrock KILLING IT as Dandy Mott to a 3-breasted woman – there’s something for everyone… to make them sh!t their pants!!

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4. Fargo (FX)

Not even Tom Hanks’ lame son could ruin the TV show that did the Bates Motel/Hannibal impossible of 2014 – take a sacred movie and turn it into a brilliant TV show!!!   BILLY BOB THORTON’S HAIR FOR THE WIN!!!

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5. Gotham (Fox)

Batman goes Muppet Babies – and it too somehow works, even if doesn’t make comic book sense.  It’s all about Gordon, but Penguin and Catowman junior rule the city/the show + younger Alfred kicks BUT(ler)!!!

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6. Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

Boardwalk was usually BOREDwalky, and never lived up to its potential, but finally did in its final season.  Maybe cause they found the perfect teeny Steve Buscemi in Marc Pickering

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7. Drunk History (Comedy Central)

My favorite show of 2013 still packed a punch in its second season, for both the brain AND the funny bone.  A rare double-threat that should threaten all other shows that aren’t informative AND funny!!

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8. True Detective (HBO)

that tracking shot!!!

and those boobs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [NSFW]

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9. Tyrant (FX)

Nobody is having more (screen) fun than Ashraf Barhom is as Tyrant Jamal, and no one had more fun watching him do that thing than me.  It’s TV’s most underloved awesome show!

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10. Silicon Valley (HBO)

Was there any doubt that a Mike Judge TV show wouldn’t be cool-whip-smart?  And that cast!!!!!  OMG OMG OMG, that CAST!!!!

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11. 10 Things You Don’t Know About (H2)

Sober history, with perhaps the best sober host ever – Henry Rollins!!

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12. Hannibal (NBC)

(spoiler alert) Mason Verger will eat himself!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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other solid forms of entertainments: 

Veep – FOUR MORE YEARS!!!!

Homeland – it got back to where it once belonged – deep in our hearts

The Knick – would probably be my #1 show, but I only got to see 3 eps cause who subscribes to Cinemax???

My Grandmother’s Ravioli – Mo grannys, mo awesome!!

Ali G Rezurection – for completists, and people who like to laugh

Bates Motel – a lot of padding, but mother and son know/are best

The Americans  – dude, Keri’s butt!!!

Mad Men – too much Megan, not enuff Bert, but plenty of BURGER CHEF!!!

Modern Family – TV’s consistently funniest show that you somehow don’t find funny

House of Cards – that subway push, that 3some, that other stuff!!

Louie – his screen daughter Jane needs a spinoff show

Get Carter – we got it!

Under The Dome – lost a little luster in season 2, but plenty of clusterfudges to keep us glued

Black-ish – the fall’s only new AND funny show worth watching/that wasn’t canceled

Shameless – was nice to be Justin Chatwin-free for a season

Newsroom – good riddance you overly talkie Aaron Sorkin talkie.  and I don’t care how ‘good’ she looks, cause Olivia Munn is the world’s würstest actress

Top Chef - Katsuji for president

Undercover Boss - over-ly sweet and souful!

Masters of Sex – too much time dedicated to the too many side characters, and their too not so interesting side stories

Selfie – dumb, fun, and sadly, gone too soon

Pizza Masters – wish these fatties were my cousins

Garfunkel and Oates – for the comedy (and Saved By The Bell refs), but not so much for the music & lyrics

Maron – dropped off a bit in season 2, but he made Ray Romano funny!

Penny Dreadful – finally, monsters and creatures with brains

Halt and Catch Fire – sweet dreams, OK reality

Vice – although I don’t remember any of the pieces off the top of me head

Girls – sucks

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+ bone-yes moments

- Adrien Brody as Houdini and his hot screen wife and his weird-faced assistant were beyond best!

- TWIN PEAKS IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!  and here’s what they should do

- Stephen Colbert, we’ll meet again

– you can’t handle the Chelsea Handler goodbye

– Cam dances off against Will Sasso

– the insaneness of Petals On the Wind

- all the grandmother’s on My Grandmother’s Ravioli, but especially 90 year old Thelma Brelesky

– Jill St John as Molly as Robin in the second ever episode of Batman (1966)

– that time ‘Murder She Wrote’ went Psycho

– ABC promo glamour shots

– so long Californication – you were the fcuking WURST

– Pam Mueller > Ferris Bueller

- Tommy Chong dances

– never 5get Jimmy McBride – Boston Cab Driver – MTV Gabber

– Disaster of Puppets

- Drake’s Bar Mitzvah / Hobbit Office / Me

– Once In A Lifetime, Times Four

– Keith L Williams as DJ Pre-K on Selfie

– the mystery of Debra Messing’s green sweater puppies

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my favorite TV performance of 2014…

Adam Hagenbuch as Ashton Kutcher in Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy movie!!!

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& peace the mork out :(

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TWS, you’re one & only home for all three breasted entertainments…

welcome to the club Angela Bassett by way of American Horror Story: Freak Show!!!!!!!!!!!

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joining…

Meenakshi, Avatar of the Hindu Goddess Parvati

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Lycia Naff as Mary in Total Recall

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Kaitlyn Leeb as the Three-Breasted Woman from the BS version of Total Recall

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Jasmine Tridevil

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dishonorable mentions

Demi Moore / Bruce Willis’ dumb daughter

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these three boobs

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these chickens

CBS Sunday Morning is the #1 show on TV ever (sorry Twin Peaks), and as for 2011…

1. Dan Le Batard Is Highly Questionable (ESPN)

It’s father’s day, every day, on the funniest show on TV, and it isn’t even a comedy.  Take a look above and tell we that that’s something you don’t want to watch DAILY.  Papi for presidente!!

2. Breaking Bad (AMC)

Every time you think things can’t get more f#%cked up, things goes beyonds more f#%cked up, and it’s f#%cking RAWsome!!!

3. Misfits (E4, England)

Losing Robert Sheehan would seem like a nail in the Misfits coffin, but that was not even close to the case with Joseph Gilgun getting mad rude as Rudy.  Each episode feels like its own season, and that’s a GREAT THING

4. Homeland (Showtime)

It’s everything 24 wasn’t – believable terrorism stuff happening on our shores, and it was all more tense than a KOA campground!!  Damian Lewis deserves to win every award he would be eligible for… and the supporting trio of Claire Danes, Mandy Patinkin and Morena Baccarin is third to none

5. American Horror Story (FX)

It broke every TV show rule, and a lot of bones AND boners.  Don’t even know how they’re gonna be able to top this debut season, but we can’t wait to see how they do it

6. Beavis & Butt-head (MTV)

Why did B&B ever go away?

7. Life’s Too Short (BBC2/HBO)

Warwick Davis plays himself, but channels show creator and co-star Ricky Gervais (think how people play the Woody Allen role in Woody Allen movies) in more cringe-inducing situations than Larry David could ever imagine… for dwarves

8. Episodes (Showtime)

They made Matt LeBlanc funny.  A feat and feast that must be seen

9. Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

If you know what goes on in the pic above, you know the show hasn’t gathered even a speck of moss in its 8th, New York-centric, season

10. Ebert Presents At The Movies (PBS)

Honestly, it doesn’t matter who’s in the chair and which direction their thumbs go, it juss matters that there are chairs being sat in and thumbs being moved in a direction.  Never leave, although that may not be the case

11. Children’s Hospital (Cartoon Network)

Name a better 11 minute show on TV… ever?

12. Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

MOTHER LOVE THIS SHOW!

13. Ryan and Tatum: The O’Neals (OWN)

You can keep yer Krapdashians, and we’ll stick with the O’Neals

13. The Office (NBC)

Michael Scott left us and Dunder Mifflin on the best possible terms (the Holly proposal even rivals the early Jim & Pam courtship stuff), and the addition of James Spader has helped to soften the blow of his departure.  It all still works, even if it isn’t eggzactly the same

 

other solid forms of entertainments: An Idiot Abroad (we’re a year behind on this one!) Roseanne’s Nuts (who knew she’s the same off-screen as she was on it!!!), Hung (came into its own this season, only to prematurely ejaculate), Rock Center with Brian Williams (it ROCKS!), Kendra (lockout with yer cock out), Sports Show with Norm Macdonald (unjustly cancelled), Game of Thrones (even though we have zero idea what happened on the show), Real Sports With Bryant Gumbel (thoughts are endlessly provoked), Making & Selling Jeans In America (so long Rasta Monsta), Bored To Death (rarely boring), Enlightened (enlightened we), Louie (although everyone on twitter makes we want to hate it), Modern Family (it’s funnier than Louie), Gossip Girl (we gave up on it 2 years ago, returned, and it’s like we never missed an ep… cause nothing new ever happens, but who cares!), The Big C (Hugh Dancy dancyied like no one was watching), Web Therapy (Kudrow!), Shameless (the kids steal the show from H Macy), and Skins (UK, as in not the US version, obvi)

 

+ bone-yes moments

how does THIS get cancelled?

- Ricky Gervais should host everything.  Franco & Hathaway should only host diseases

– Todd Haynes’ Mildred Pierce was Mildred FIERCE!!!

– the list may be wrong, but 50 Documentaries To See Before You Die was 260 well worth watched minutes to debate!

– US Skins was meh, but Rachel Thevenard is not!!!

– don’t remember one minute of Too Big To Fail.  does that make it a too small and failed?

– kinda pissed that Miranda Otto & Sarah Bolger show never became a show

- Cinema Verite proved that reality bites, even at the very beginning

–  Elizabeth Hurley sexes up Gossip Girl, but Kaylee DeFer is the sexiest!!!

– Ron Swanson aside, Parks & Rec is not funny, despite what your brain and internets has been telling you

– Ken Burns’ Prohibition was bob-tastic

– wait, Oscar was orange?

– Addison Timlin made Californication semi-watchable

– Colin Hanks single-handedly stinks up an entire season Dexter, and juss stinks in general

- Whatever You Want,Think Belmont! FINALLYYYY!!!

- Entourage thankfully ends, but unthankfully with a wimper, but honestly, who cares, as shlong as it’s gone, 9ever

& fair thee well Colonel Sherman T Potter & Sherwood and of course

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