2017 in TV was Tele-LICIOUS.  somehow I still haven’t seen the new Twin Peaks, which is a miracle and a tragedy as the original is my favorite TV show of all time, but I’ll get to it in 2018, I promise – myself!  anywho, here’s all the other stuff from TV that made my heart beat stronger and my shlong beat shlonger…

 

1. Riverdale (CW)

I always need a show in my life that’s the modern equivalent of Beverly Hills 90210.  Riverdale is it (it even has Luke Perry) AND THEN SOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There was even Zodiac love!!!

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2. Mindhunter (Netflix)

Dude, it’s like my dream come true – more of Fincher’s Zodiac!!!

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3. Feud: Bette and Joan (FX)

What Hollywood does to actresses is horrible.  Now AND THEN.  Susan was born to be Bette.  The EYES have it!

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4. Married At First Sight: Second Chances (Lifetime)

I don’t do Bachelor shows, but I love the Married At First Sight series, so when they whored out two former Sighters and let a bunch of whores try to whore all over them – the end result was one giant sloppy mess, and I couldn’t get enough of it!!

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5. American Horror Story: Cult (FX)

Evan Peters is scary as fck!!!  Zodiac!!!  But the real revelation here is Carrie Fisher’s daughter, ready to be her own person – hello Billie Lourd

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6. The Americans (FX)

Martha stuck in Russia is the saddest thing ever in a show of so many sad things ever!

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7. Veep (HBO)

It’s truly amazing how a comedy about the US Presidency could be out clown-showed in real life by our current US President, and even more truly amazing is how the TV show this season was able to re-out clown show the real clown show.  CLOWN SHOW!!!!

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8. The Hunt For the Zodiac Killer (History)

Spoiler alert – they didn’t catch him/her.  BUT LET THEM KEEP TRYING!!!

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9. Curb Your Enthusiasim (HBO)

Long time off, and not much has changed, and that’s fine by me.  Loved the Fatwa advice from Salman Rushdie, like having an excuse to not pick someone up from the airport

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10. Wormwood (Netflix)

Errol Morris at his best, and he’s always at his best, so this is BESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!!!

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11. Fresh Off The Boat (ABC)

Still, the funniest network comedy going.  Love the shifting focus to the school kids.  Eddie’s friends are more interesting than Eddie!  Bonus props to redhead Trevor Larcom! Bonus bonus props to their Rent ripoff – Brent!

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12. Bates Motel (FX)

Norman Bates COMES full circle, and what better way to COME all over than with Rihanna as Marion Crane!

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+ bone-yessss!! moments

give all the awards in the world to Natasha Bassett who totally speared the lead (and my heart) in Lifetime’s Britney Every After

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the awkward adorableness of Stranger Things 2‘s Snowball Dance

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the theme music of the game show Now You See It

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realizing that I never saw Beverly Hills 90210 Season 4 and loving it beyond belief

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finally watched the final season of The Knick, and I already miss the fcuk out of this guy

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the real life filming locations of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

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Chelsea Cardwell‘s sexy and sad portrayal of Monica Lewinsky in an ep of Scandal Made Me Famous

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the return of Battle of The Network Stars

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the new Dynasty is mostly garbage, cept Alan Dale remains TV’s finest a$$hole

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BUZZR’s excellent doc about game shows, hosted by Alex Trebek! – Game Changers

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Amazon gets STACKED and streams the original UNSOLVED MYSTERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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the horrible awfulness amazingness awfulness of the made-for-TV version of Dirty Dancing

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Copycat Killers‘ talking head J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner – for his name, and how he talks, but mainly for his name

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I hope Kendra On Top never stops

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cheering for The Bold Type gals

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booing the girls of Girls. good riddance. YOU FCUKING SUCK!!!

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goodbye Merc Lapidus.  YOU WERE THE ABSO FCUKING BEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AND WILL ALWAYS BE ONE OF MY MOSTEST FAVORITE TV CHARACTERS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

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wish we could MAKE A DEAL to keep these people with us on earth :(

 

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perv-iously ’16 ’15 ’14 ’13 ’12 ’11 ’10 ’09 ’07

Star Wars: The Last Jedi
Poe Man’s Star Wars?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 155 min

There is 1/3rd of Star Wars: The Last Jedi that works – the return of Luke (Mark Hamill, you bearded ham you!), the further innocence and awesomeness of Rey (who doesn’t feel for or want to feel Daisy Ridley?), and the sneering badness of Kylo Ren (Adam Driver, such a little bitch, but such a PERFECT little bitch).  I dug on that Jedi stuff.  Juss that Jedi stuff alone could have made for a thrilling 1 hr 45 minute movie.  BUT, the galaxy always has room for more, More, MORE, and the powers that be feel the need to shove in things that aren’t necessary, or even make sense in the realm of Star Wars, or just plain don’t work.  Here they are.  Splain and imple!  If there are spoilers below, you be spoiled…

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I’m sorry, but I don’t give 9 fcuks about newbie Rose.  She’s the equivalent of a human Ewok, cept that Ewoks are something I’m going to love and remember until I die.  If you don’t think Ewoks are awesome, go screw.  Look, I’m all for equality and having Asian characters, but Rose wilts.  Roses may be red, but I violently say BOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

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And you know who would make a better female player than Rose?  Princess Leia’s real life daughter Billie Lourd, who rightfully gets more screentime in VIII, but they could have done even MORE with her… like make her Princess Leia’s real daughter in the movie!!  SHE’S ROYALTY, IN EVERY SENSE OF THE WORD!  WORD!!

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Poe Dameron is STILL a dumb and terrible name.  The name ‘Snoke’ is worser, but Snoke the character is even worsererer than the name.  He’s bullsh!t Voldemort.  He’s also bullsh!t in general.  He’s also not menacing, not interesting, not important, and nothing I care to ever remember going forward in my life.  In Jedi, he breaks free of his hologram form, but I wish they put the genie back in the bottle, and then threw away the bottle.  I mean, he looks so So SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO dumb.  When they were creating him, did no one on set or in the CGI office be like – hey, Snoke looks pretty dumb.  I mean, he’s not even as crazy/sexy/gross as that dude in RoboCop who gets doused in toxic waste.  MAKE THAT GUY OUR SUPREME LEADER ANY DAY!!!  

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The First Order red guards were cool, but their uniforms look out of place, and a bit familiar – like a cross between Dracula’s armor and whatever this was from this Star Trek: Next Gen ep I’ve never seen

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speaking of fashion, seriously, what’s up with these Imperial hats?  NICE WING TIPS!!!

NOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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our heroes need to find a mysterious code-breaker who is also a gambler.  I know just the guy!  I got so jazzed that this person was going to be Lando… until they decided to NOT bring back Lando and instead bring in Fred Fenster from The Usual Suspects, who was OK, but he wasn’t Lando. Seriously, WTF do we have to do to get Lando back in movies??  If you combined Poe, Finn, Rose and a zillion other pointless newcomers together – they’d still be 939123938228844848 zillion points less cool than Lando is.  LANDO MAKES THINGS HAPPEN.  LANDO IS COOL AS SH!T.  #FreeLando

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look, I’m all for humor in Star Wars, but there’s a little TOO much humor going on in Last Jedi.  But if you ever wanted to see the funniest Star Wars movie ever, well, now it exists!  But c’mon guys, we all love blue milk jokes, but ones with quad-nipples?????  THIS ISN’T MY STAR WARS!!!  MY STAR WARS DOESN’T HAVE QUAD-NIPPLES!!!!

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again, I’m all for equality, but how pointless are the female characters Captain Phasma or whoever Laura Dern’s purple people eater is???  Leia/Carrie is great, but they don’t give her much to do… until they decide that she can fly in space.  WTF???????????????????????

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oh, and remember how incredible the literal CLIFF hanging ending of Force Awakens was?  well, Last Jedi easily has THE very würstest ending of a Star Wars movie ever.  it boarders on this kinda prequel awfulness…

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and finally, it muss be said – Maz Kanata is more offensive to me than Jar Jar Binks is.  Jar Jar is suppose to be stupid.  Maz is supposed to be wise, but is juss stupid.  QUIT THE STUPID STUFF STAR WARS.  Stick to the stuff that works – Jedis and Lando

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Verdictgo:  jury is still out in my brain, so for now…  inconclusive 

Jedi aint the last anything, at a theater near jews and white nationalists…

Carrie Fisher’s daughter Billie Lourd is super adorable, juss like mom, and she’s in The Force Awakens!!!!!

and she’s not afraid to have a little bun fun