Thighs Wide Shut

deceased Belgian Hollywood journalist Maria Snoeys-Lagler’s photo album popped up in a thrift store…

endless mo pics

Man of Steel
Bigville
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 143 min

Dude, Zack Snyder was 2/3rds on his way to making the bestest Zack Snyder movie ever, but then he turned his Superman movie into Rampage, and then mine eyes and brain were like, NOOOOO!!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!  BUTTT still, 2/3rds amazing Zack Snyder movie is > most Zack Snyder movies!!!!  IT’S TRUE!!! Cause 300 was red sauce on würst pasta, no one saw that Owl movie, Sucker Punch sucked balls, and Watchmen, while technically and visually brilliant, has since left us with an empty impression.  But Snyder’s Superman (called Man of Steel) felt kinda fresh and exciting, even though we already know everything about Superman, and we’re still attached to the the idea of Christopher Reeve as the one AND only Superman

But…

Henry Cavill IS Superman.  He’s sexy, and he can furrow his brow, and we wanted to have sex with him on The Tudors, and we want to have sex with him now AND 9EVER!!  HE WIN ME!!!

Amy Adams is fine as Lois Lane, and certainly an upgrade over Kate Snoozeworth, but a deaf mute snail would have been an upgrade over Snoozyworth, so nothing shatteringearthy here.  Btw, Superman Returns was totally a good movie

Michael Shannon sure puts his own stamp of terence on General Zod, but how many times can Michael Shannon make a crazy face in a movie?  We worry about him!!  And he so scary that we never want to meet him in real life!

OMG OMG OMG Russell Crowe as El Guapo-El Papa Frita-Jor-El was the knees bees!!!!  Can he be our dad?  Can there be a prequel spinoff movie where he has a beard and does stuff on Krypton like bang his hot Israeli wife Ayelet Zurer til the Krypton cows come home??  The only thing he don’t got on Brando’s Jor is awesome white hair and the ability to mispronounce his planet as ‘Kryptin’

Kevin Costner & Diane Lane as Ma & Pa Kent were good enuff.  Nothing crazy, but mainly cause Smallville is the torch bearer for all young Clarkness stufffffs.  And WTF was up with Pa Kent saving that dog?  Look, I know people love dogs, but no dog is worth giving up yer own life for.  Spoiler alert – I just spoiled a refarted movie death for you, sorry

Laurence Fishburne is Perry White, EIC of the Daily Planet.  He has about as much to do in this movie as a stalk of Kent corn does

7-11, IHOP and Sears – they paid to be in this movie and they all get destroyed.  KINDA AWESOME!!!

The CGI – looked great, especially the shiz on Krypton, like that giant sun

But…

that last hour was juss TOOOOOOO much.  They could cut out about half of the destroying earth stuff, and the fighting in space things, and the Daily Planet intern being stuck in rubble whatevers.  Look, it’s cool to destroy a city and stuff, but the Rampageing didn’t do anything for me neither when it happened in The Avengers, and they only had a fraction of the destruction.  And seriouslyly, where does a sequel go from here?  How do you ‘top’ the toppling of Metropolis?  I’m sure Lex Luthor will pop up in Man of Steel II, but what he gonna do?  Threaten to destroy the city?  Been there, DONE WAY TOO MUCH OF THAT!

But…

There’s more to Snyder’s Superman than there is/was to Nolan (Man of Steel‘s writer/producer)’s Batman series.  It’s dark, but not TOO dark, but Snyder’s Supes is be more emotional and inspiring than watching Nolan’s Bruce Wayne wax and wane.  There’s no humor in either Superman or Batman, but who needs humor?  Those stupid Marvel movies have TOO MUCH HUMOR, and they is juss stoopid.  Enuff with winking at the camera, and just save the world, K?  Snyder and Nolan somehow get it, and for the most part, it’s really f#$king super, man!

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Man of Steel soars currently at a theater near jews

oh, and major kudos to AMC who installed POOFY COMFY LEATHER RECLINING CHAIRS in a local theater that I always thought was a dumphole.  hope they do this to all their theaters, cause it’s a game changer!!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Everyday Sunshine: The Story of Fishbone
Still Alive & Kicking In The Boneyard
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 107 min

There’s no denying the awesomeness that is the band Fishbone.  Juss ask peoples like Flea, Les Claypol, Ice-T, No Doubt, George Clinton, Branford Marsalis, and us!  All of these people (minus us!) testify as much/such in Lev Anderson and Chris Metzler‘s up-close and personal doc Everyday Sunshine: The Story of Fishbone, with narration by Laurence Fishburne (he also has the word ‘fish’ in his name!!). If you’ve ever boned in their boneyard (read: are a fan), you’ll wanna feast yer eyes and ears on this, even if it’s not exactly one giant happy party at ground zero.  And if you know nothing of them, we invite you all to join in as well, cause it’s about time you caught on to Fishbone’s truth and soul

We’ve always wanted to see Fishbone in concert, especially at the height of their career in the 90s, but sadly/madly never got around to it.  In the past few years, we’ve remembered this want, but still haven’t done anything about it.  In the process, we’ve noticed that the band still exists, with key members Angelo Moore and Norwood Fisher still punk skankin’, but are barely making much of a scene, playing in tiny venues and sometimes even on booze cruises.  This made us kinda sad/mad, and we started wondering where it all went wrong, or more specifically, why did Fishbone not make it like they probably should have?

Great question!  Thanks!  And there are many a answers (a creative African-American band that ended up being too hard to classify and market by record labels) and even more questions as to why not (if No Doubt can make it, why couldn’t they?  that’s our question, not the filmmakers’) in this documentary.  We love when questions get answered!  And get frustrated when more questions pop up!  But, Fishbone rocks, and after seeing them in this, we want to correct our not seeing them on a stage issue like yesterday, and until then, we will have nuttin but endless sunless Saturdays

Beachy Keen: Fishbone might juss be the very first cool and ‘alternative’ music that we ever grooved out to (think they were also the very first band we bought a t-shirt of, but then again, it might have been Elvis, after our virgin visit to Graceland).  The love & madness all began for us at age 10 when we saw them duet ‘Jamaica Ska’ with Annette Funicello in the ‘classic’ campy flick Back To The Beach

they should totally bring this movie back to theaters… in 9-D!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Fishbone is served in NY this Friday and elsewhere elsewhen 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…