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Heartbreaker
(L’arnacoeur)
A Comédie Romantique That Sounds & Looks
Better Than An American Equivalent
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Romain Duris is so hot.  So is Vanessa Paradis, gap teeth and all!!!!  Wonder what dem sparks would be like if the two ever let em fly???  Hold yer mares ma mères!  We all want the same thing here, but in Pascal Chaumeil‘s paint by numbers rom-com, yer gonna have to wait a long time for that happen, cause you see, Duris isn’t meant to be with Paradis or her pair of dats.  That would go against his profession: a ladykiller for hire (that’s murderer of the heart, in a good way), who never completely slays the lady, juss makes em putty in his hands, but never touches em, juss makes em happy, and then moves onto the next job.  He’s got game (enter montage of the master at work!), but his next assignment is a dooooozzy, Mrs Johnny Depp!!

Oh course he has zero interest in his latest mark at first, but do you think for a second that he won’t change his mind and lose it in the process?  Paradis is due to marry a bland American (bland American Andrew Lincoln), but her father (Jacques Frantz) doesn’t approve and contracts Duris to dur his wurst/best to get daughter to forget all about the bland American.  Let the hijinks begin, with sum helpful help from sis (Julie Ferrier) and her silly hubby (François Damiens), all goings on in a luscious Monaco backdrop to booooot.  What happens next is more predictable than Fred Armisen leaving Elisabeth Moss for blonder ambitions.  Yet this romantic-comedy wasn’t made in America, and thus is free of the usual trappings/dog droppings that litter many a Julia/Reese/Jennifer/et al pointless vehicles, and thus Heartbreaker is non-alarming, free of smarming, and nuttin but charming!!!  We are under your amour spell!  Get it, under amour?!?!?! Amour or less puns????

Gap Genes!: someone did our work for us… 10 Celebs Who Look Great With Gap Teeth

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Romantics
Wedding Boos
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What do you get when Dawson‘s Joey (Katie Holmes) and a bitchy Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) fight over Fergie’s hubby (Josh Duhamel, another bland American), while Seth Cohen (Adam Brody), Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood), Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen), our future wife (Malin Ã…kerman), and two others (Jeremy Strong & Rebecca Lawrence) stand around and watch, over a Big Chilled wedding upside-down caked weekend on Long Island?  Young lust, long yawns, clichés removed from the dust!  Felt like we’ve seen Galt Niederhoffer‘s movie/J Crew ad a zillion.7 times before, but with less TVish actors!  Don’t bother wit dis, but bother yerself to finally see Rachel Getting Married, a flick we’re STILL hungover from, cause we had such an effin blast at da party!

Holmes Body: still, we were happy to see Katie H backs on the big screen, which helped pave the way for this stunning Jackie-O inspired NY Mag cover!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Heartbreaker throbs and The Romantics barely beats this Friday in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

…but not as well clothed as Holmes’ butt slice!!!!!

Bran Nue Dae
Certifiably Aboriginal
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

You loathed Baz Luhrmann’s sweeping epic Australia.  We know you did, so don’t lie.  We didn’t.  Maybe you have no sense of pomp and circumference, or maybe 165 minutes was juss 164 minutes too much of Baz-outback-wardness for you to take.  Your remedy is the lower-keyed, lower-budgeted, lower-running-timed and high on everything else Bran Nue Dae (that’s ‘Brand New Day’ for those who aren’t ewesed to musspellinngs)

At first, and hactually for quite a long while during, we weren’t really taking to the hammily charmed story of an aborigine boy (Rocky McKenzie)’s quest to return to his unrequited love (Jessica Mauboy)’s side, before a greasy rocker (Dan Sultan) gets his paws all over her.  A ‘wild’ roadtrip adventure ensues, with two ‘wacky’ hippies (‘Missy’ Higgins & Tom Budge) and a ‘wily’ Australian version of Ben Vereen (Ernie Dingo) along for the ride, while they’re all being chased around by the boy’s over-caring preacher man (Geoffrey Rush). Usually it’s the journey that makes the grade, and the destination a disappointment, but in Rachel Perkins‘ fun flick, the opposite is true, and by the end, you’ll be bursting into song along with the chorus too

Mauboy O’BOY!: Jessica Mauboy’s got sum killer eyes and some damn killah thighs.  who said you had to be a skinny jinny to get yer passport stamped in Thighland?

[mo pics]

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Bran Nue Dae sings a happy song this Friday in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The World Cup was nice and all, and sure, we even like a da baseball again after a 10ish year hiatus, but there’s only one real sport worth caring about: FOOOOOTBALLSZZZ!!!! and it’s back, and so is our preview!!! C-3PO once said ‘here we go again‘, but he also has a metal penis, so take that for what tits worth…

NFC East

This division is not as good as it used to be, or that anyone makes it out to be.  It’s kinda like Lady Gaga, cept the NFC East has history and Lady Gaga has a whopping total of 1.5 albums.  Well, Gaga will go poop-poop soon (we pray to the lord, John Lennon, that that does happen), and these bruisers will poop-poop each other out of the playoff picture, cause we said so.  Somehow the Redskins (9-7) will top them all, and make the Eagles (8-8) pay dearly for dealing them McNabb (times have certainly changed, as we no longer refer to him as ‘McScabb’)… if he stays healthy the whole year.  That’s a big IF, but not as big as the movie If…..  The Cowboys (7-9) will be about as good as Jerry Jones was playing himself on Entourage.  As for the G-Wo-Men (8-8), one more smack to Eli’s Frankenstein stitched head and you can kiss their season goodbye & Tom Coughlin’s crypt-keeper face from the Giants sideline.  Although, as a Skins fan, we hope he sticks/stinks around cause he blows more than The 400 Blows Part III!!!!

Boo-nus link: watch some dude rub a microphone on Albert Haynesworth’s face, at LenWhale White’s b-day party

NFC North

Vikes (13-3) or the Pack (11-5)?  Favre or the dude who took his job, Jesus in a helmet?  Both will make the payoffs, and hopefully sex-boat parties will be had by all.  The Lions (6-10) won’t be as awful as recent times (or their new look logo & unis) would suggest, and we secretly love them, but mainly cause of their all you can eat ticket option.  And what about the Bears (5-11)?  It doesn’t matter if Mike Martz or a bag of farts is running that offense, cause Jay Cutler is more like Gay Smutler and it makes zero sense how he could bag someone like Kristin Cavallari or even somenone like Kristen Schaal, although we’d take on both at the same time.  How did this team make the Super Bowl a few years back?  Was Rex Grossman the secret weapon?  Is that the only time that has ever appeared in print/interwebs????

Boo-nus link: Ragnar might not be a household name to you and we, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to have the human Viking mascot show up at our Bar Mitzvah!

NFC South

The Saints (13-3) have gots it so good.  They come from the home of Popeyes, finally won the big game, and no one would ever root against them, cept hurricanes and people who hurt puppies.  They also happen to be in a division of stain shits.  The Panthers (6-10)?  Matt Moore = less.  The Bucs (4-12)?  Can you name their starting QB, RB, wideouts, or better yet, their coach?  That leaves the Falcons (9-7) to give the Who Datters the only competition they’ll get.  This division has purty colors, but bores us, and we have nothing more to say on the matter

Boo-nus link: we miss Jerry Glanville, but he has yet to leave us.  watch him plead his case to become the host of the Portland Music Awards

NFC West

This West is truly wild, like Jack Wild or that awesome old game show Joker’s Wild or Oscar Wilde riding Mr Toad’s Wild Ride while getting a mustache ride on Rollie Fingers’ fork/fu&kball.  THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALLLLL!!!!!  The 49ers (6-10) seem to be a bit overrated, don’t theys?  Sure, they have some key players, but they also have Alex Smith as their quarterback.  Smells like mediocrity to we.  The other three squads are all in some sorta transition, be it the Rams (6-10), who are taking a chance on rookie Samnmy Bradford, or the Cardinals (6-10), who handed their playbook over to Derek Anderson.  This being the same Derek Anderson who got run out of Browns town, yet is apparently better than Matt Leinart, which is like being better than scurvy.  Somehow, some way, the Seahawks (8-8) w/Pete Carroll running away from that USC mess, will get this NFL team to play like his old college team, which basically was an NFL team anywayszzzz, and make the big-little dance

Boo-nus link: breast news ever: TESSA IS BACK AS A SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeds:
#1 Nawlins (13-3, the get the #1 by beating Mini in game 1!)
#2 Miniature Soda (13-3)
#3 Redskins (9-7??????????!!!)
#4 Seattle (8-8)
#5 Green Bay (11-5)
#6 The ATL (9-7)

NFC Champs: The Pack beat Seattle, Favre and then Brees to make it to the Super Bowl.  who will they play?  found out in our AFC Pee-view, coming soon and on your face!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Ryan Grant, Kellen Winslow, Santana Moss + the Favre & Visanthe Shiancoe combo

Wees Hates He: the Panthers offense, Larry Fitz, Matt Ryan & Tony Gonz, Percy Harvin and his headaches

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Golden Tate, Brandon Jacobs, Brandon Pettigrew, Sam Bradford and anyone named Mike Williams

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

stay pooned for the AFC one!

and juss cause…

Animal Kingdom
Broken Silence On The Lam
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Something is afoot in down under cinema, and it’s all on solid ground… solid ground that’s TOTALLYYY AWESOMES!!!!  If you saw The Square, you’re already on this right track, and when you see (WHICH YOU WILL DOGNAMMI!!!) David Michôd‘s brilliant debut, Animal Kingdom, you’ll be on the fast track to this new era of Ozploitation (do yerself a flavor and rent the doc Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! about the old era).  ANIMAL KINGDOM!!!!!!!!!!

So what’s it all about Aussie Mega shampoo? A family of thieves (Ben Mendelsohn, Joel Edgerton, Luke Ford & Sullivan Stapleton) and their tough as nine inched nailed mum (Jacki Weaver), with the grossest mother-son kisses around, are keeping a low profile as the fuzz (Guy Pearce!!!!) are hot on their tail.  Then their bashful cousin (James Frecheville) comes to live with em, after his mum dies, and shiz gets foreal as he gets in the way!!!!!  Cops are gunned down, family members are too, and many webs be weaved before we find out who will be the last man standing when the dust settles.  Yep, simple stuff, but it’s 109% tight tension that no knife could ever cut!  ANIMAL KINGDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Throw This Barbie On Our Shrimp: Jacinta Stapleton wasn’t in the movie, but she did attend the premiere to support her bro Sully, and she’s wikkkkid hotttttttttt mate!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Animal Kingdom is king of the jungle and the limited release movie theaters it’s playing in

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…