Thighs Wide Shut

WE STILL LOVE ALL OF YOU LADIES!!!! (mostly)

Her Royal Thighness The I – Lindsay Lohan

Her Royal Thighness The II – Elisha Cuthbert

Her Royal Thighness The III - Maria  Sharapova

 

Her Royal Thighness The IV - Charlotte Church

Her Royal Thighness The V - Keira Knightley

Her Royal Thighness The VI Warshawski – Nadine Coyle

Her Royal Thighness The VII – Camilla Belle

Her Royal Thighness The VIII – Leonor Watling

Her Royal Thighness IX - Malin Åkerman

then we stopped naming Thighnessers, but pretty much the X one is

India Reynolds

honorable mentions and spare heirs were always

Mischa Barton

and

Lucy Pinder

most of all, we love you, our dear readers

Heartbreaker
(L’arnacoeur)
A Comédie Romantique That Sounds & Looks
Better Than An American Equivalent
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Romain Duris is so hot.  So is Vanessa Paradis, gap teeth and all!!!!  Wonder what dem sparks would be like if the two ever let em fly???  Hold yer mares ma mères!  We all want the same thing here, but in Pascal Chaumeil‘s paint by numbers rom-com, yer gonna have to wait a long time for that happen, cause you see, Duris isn’t meant to be with Paradis or her pair of dats.  That would go against his profession: a ladykiller for hire (that’s murderer of the heart, in a good way), who never completely slays the lady, juss makes em putty in his hands, but never touches em, juss makes em happy, and then moves onto the next job.  He’s got game (enter montage of the master at work!), but his next assignment is a dooooozzy, Mrs Johnny Depp!!

Oh course he has zero interest in his latest mark at first, but do you think for a second that he won’t change his mind and lose it in the process?  Paradis is due to marry a bland American (bland American Andrew Lincoln), but her father (Jacques Frantz) doesn’t approve and contracts Duris to dur his wurst/best to get daughter to forget all about the bland American.  Let the hijinks begin, with sum helpful help from sis (Julie Ferrier) and her silly hubby (François Damiens), all goings on in a luscious Monaco backdrop to booooot.  What happens next is more predictable than Fred Armisen leaving Elisabeth Moss for blonder ambitions.  Yet this romantic-comedy wasn’t made in America, and thus is free of the usual trappings/dog droppings that litter many a Julia/Reese/Jennifer/et al pointless vehicles, and thus Heartbreaker is non-alarming, free of smarming, and nuttin but charming!!!  We are under your amour spell!  Get it, under amour?!?!?! Amour or less puns????

Gap Genes!: someone did our work for us… 10 Celebs Who Look Great With Gap Teeth

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Romantics
Wedding Boos
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

What do you get when Dawson‘s Joey (Katie Holmes) and a bitchy Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) fight over Fergie’s hubby (Josh Duhamel, another bland American), while Seth Cohen (Adam Brody), Frodo Baggins (Elijah Wood), Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen), our future wife (Malin Ã…kerman), and two others (Jeremy Strong & Rebecca Lawrence) stand around and watch, over a Big Chilled wedding upside-down caked weekend on Long Island?  Young lust, long yawns, clichés removed from the dust!  Felt like we’ve seen Galt Niederhoffer‘s movie/J Crew ad a zillion.7 times before, but with less TVish actors!  Don’t bother wit dis, but bother yerself to finally see Rachel Getting Married, a flick we’re STILL hungover from, cause we had such an effin blast at da party!

Holmes Body: still, we were happy to see Katie H backs on the big screen, which helped pave the way for this stunning Jackie-O inspired NY Mag cover!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Heartbreaker throbs and The Romantics barely beats this Friday in NY/LA only and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

…but not as well clothed as Holmes’ butt slice!!!!!

we saw 150ish flicks in the ’09
(down from 190ish last year)
and you probably didn’t
but we still luvs youes!

The Barely Legal Eighteensies

1) Hurt Locker – HURTs so good. LOCKERs even gooderer!!!!

2) Skin – this little seen/known true story got under our SKIN and you should let it do the same to yours!

3) Das Weisse Band (The White Ribbon) – the kids aint alright, and neither are their parents and neither are you if you pass on this!!

4) Il Divo – the devil is in the details and the devil is in the detailed Il Divo. whip it mmm mmm gooooood!

5) Tetro – Sofia Coppola who?

6) Avatar – who didn’t want to munch on Pandora’s box? or punch Joel Moore in the face?

7) A Serious Man – ‘the finesestest Jewish-oriented (non-Holocaust) film since The Ten Commandments. Eat yer farts out Woody Allen and Neil Simon!‘

8) Fantastic Mr Fox – Wes is more! Fooba Wooba John!

9) District 9 – fittingly #9 on our list, but Neill Blomkamp & Sharlto Copley‘s names tie for #1!!!

10) Somers Town – may the Shane Meadows grazing never end!!

11) Goodbye Solo – hello humanity!

12) Capitalism: A Love Story – Fatman returns!

13) The Road – paths of unglory!

14) Up – nobody makes a perfect first 1/3rd of a movie, and a whatevs for the other 2/3rds quite like Pixar did does!

15) Watchmen – don’t believe the pre-release hype, but do believe the post-release fact that it matched the graphic novel pourfectly!

16) The Messenger – Cheers meets Six Feet Under… not really!

17) Not Quite Hollywood: The Wild, Untold Story of Ozploitation! – the women glowed, the men plundered!

18) Broken Embraces – Almodóvar = film caviar!

Honor Blackmanable Mentions

The Blind Side, Brothers, Brüno, The Cove, Donkey Punch, Drag Me To Hell, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, Guest of Cindy Sherman, In The Loop, Inglourious Basterds, Lymelife, Sugar, Surveillance, Two Lovers, Tyson & Where The Wild Things Are

6thishendith Anal
Thighs Wide
Movie Awards

The Death to Smoochy
Worstest Pictures
of the Year

Antichrist
Pandorum
The Boat That Rocked
Pirate Radio
& Push

The Gus van Sant
Most(ly) Pretentious
Most Overhyped
Guy Flies In Plane
Guy Lands On Ground
Guy Does Nuttin Really
Cept Meets Pilot That Look
Like Sam Elliot
Movie
For No Reason

Up In The Air

The Bare Un-Necessities/
Coulda Been A Contender

Nine
Invictus
Bronson
The Informers
Whatever Works
New York, I Love You
The Invention of Lying
&
4 Fast, 4 Furious

Trailers Worth Tractoring

The Informers, A Serious Man, Tetro, Where The Wild Things Are
A Single Man, 500 Days of Summer, 2012, District 9
& Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans
and the wurst: Spinning Into Butter

Post Her
Post We
Post Haste!

& the wurstest ones

The Inland Empire
Shot On Digital Video
Film That Struck Out
Cause It Looked Like
Udder F$%king Sh@t!!

Public Enemies

Accent That Needed To Be
Axed & Sent Directly To Jail/Hell

Paul Schneider’s Scottish ‘accent’ in Bright Star
runner up down: Matt Damon in Invictus

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Guy of The Year

That Guy
aka Michael Berryman
who appeared in 10ish movies
even though the Mac kid had ELEVEN credited roles in the ‘009

The Nice Try Lao Che Guevaraer

Food, Inc.
for not even remotely changing our minds
about eating yummy yet crappy yet yummy
ghetto meats made in America!

Flamingest Use of
An Angora Sweater
Since Ed Wood

Nicholas Hoult in A Single Man

Jizz Shots
Heard Round The World
That Weren’t Caused By Amber

Malin Akerman and her super-curvy NSFW a$$
in Watchmen

Bestest Flix
We Netted

Always Bet On These Lil
Shirley Temple Black
(& White) Children

Chibundu Orukwowu & Chigozie Orukwowu
Edie Martin
Max Records
Bailee Madison
Ryan Simpkins
Ella Ramangwane
Isabelle Fuhrman

Least Bangable Scary Lady
Since The Ancient Booer

the ole hag from Drag Me To Hell

Songs That Execute Butter
Than Norman Mailer’s Bong

‘Freedom Fighters’ in the Star Trek trailer
‘Somebody To Love’ in A Serious Man [d]
‘Heroes & Villains’ in Fantastic Fox [d]
‘Heartbeats (Rex the Dog Remix)’ in Donkey Punch [d]
‘All Is Love’ in Where The Wild Things Are [d]
anything by Anvil
&
‘Ass 2 Ass’ with you [empee3] in Skins
(even dough Skins isn’t a movie
but we forgot to include that tune
in our TV or Music of 2009 wrap ups)

Unintentional Porn
To Be Wild Titles

April Showers
The Box
Crank 2
Donkey Punch
Eleven Minutes
Everlasting Moments
Five Minutes of Heaven
Gentlemen Broncos
Gigantic
The Girlfriend Experience
The Horse Boy
Humpday
I Can Do Bad
It Might Get Loud
The Lovely Bones
Not Easily Broken
The Princess and The Frog
Push
The September Issue
Spread
Sunshine Cleaning
Tickling Leo
Where The Wild Things Are
Whip It
Yoo Hoo Mrs. Goldberg

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

Uzimann
Jon Eyez
Jadagrace
Victoria Stankiewicz
& Poo Poo Productions

9 Things Not Covered
In Nine, 9 or District 9

500 Zooey Deschanels
the first GI Joe tango in Paris
the Uzi spraying at the fake Gugg in The International
the plain jane-ness of Olivia Wilde’s writer/director parents
Frank Langella’s 3/4ths face making more cents
than the rest of what went on in The Box
the road of The Road
Almodóvar meets & Magritte
Matt Damon in Eddie Murphy white face
& we’ll have whatever Nic Cage was having in Bad Lt

Welcome To The House, Dolls

Naturi Naughton

Notorious

Jaime Winstone

+ the other 2 fit women of Donkey Punch

Tracey Heggins

Medicine For Melancholy

Holly Valance

Taken

Jocelin Donahue

He’s Just Not That Into You + The House of The Devil

Julianna Guill
Danielle Panabaker
& Willa Ford

Friday the 13th

李小璐
aka Li Xiao Lu
aka Jacqueline Li
aka Lu Lu

Push

Brooke Nevin

Sherman’s Way

Margarita Levieva

Adventureland

Ellary Porterfield

Sugar

Nora Arnezeder

Paris 36 (Faubourg 36)

Gal Gadot

4 Fast 4 Furious

Collette Wolfe

Observe and Report

Nicole Beharie

American Violet

Zoe Saldana

Star Trek & Avatar

Rachel Nichols

Star Trek & GI Joe: Rise of Cobra

Jessica Mas

Rudo y Cursi

Amber Heard

The Informers

Cameron Goodman

The Informers

Kimberley Nixon

Easy Virtue

Carmen Ejogo

Away We Go

Dominique McElligott

Moon

Isabel Lucas

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Minka Kelly

(500) Days of Summer

Katheryn Winnick

Cold Souls

Léa Seydoux

Inglourious Basterds

Jennifer Merrill

Taking Woodstock

Krista Allen

The Final Destinastion (3-D)

Paula Patton

Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire

Beatrice Rosen

2012

Lily Collins

The Blind Side

Keri Lynn Pratt

A Single Man

Jenna Gavigan

A Single Man

Leonie Benesch

A Single Man

Alden Ehrenreich

Tetro

Sasha Grey

The Gross Experience

&

Alexandre & Philippe Haussmann

2012

Movies To Look
For In The ‘010

Ben-Hymn
Motel For Frogs
First House On The Right
Landland, starring Jesse Eisenberg
We Hate You I Love You Beth Cooper
The Year of Living Johnny Dangerously
Unnecessary Musica
l Released In December
Untitled Generic Christmas Movie
The Men Who Stare At Goatees
9 Fast, 9 Furious
lookin for a second opinion?
papa Thigh Master weighs in!

Daddy’s Long Legs
& His 13teenies

1. Hurt Locker
2. Avatar
3. Good Hair
4. An Education
5. Okuribito (Departures)
6. Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire
7. Etz Limon (The Lemon Tree)
8. L’heure d’été (Summer Hours)
9. Captain Abu Raed
10. Goodbye Solo
11. Adam
12. Away We Go
13. Everybody’s Fine
don’t forget to peep out our
’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

the impossibly beautiful Chace Crawford is supposedly tapping Malin Ã…kerman‘s equally adorable sistah Jennifer

so, is it true? well, we found this on Jen’s Swedish language tinged blog, which roughly translates (and doesn’t really clear anything up) to:

Rumor Has It ..

I love it when readers write funny comments or questions. But this must surely be the sickest, ever: ‘Okay so I am practicing and checking out E-news. It will publish news on Chace Crawford and says he is dating someone, okay okay I thought. Then I tell them he is dating malin go man or yes Aker’s sister Jennifer and produce a comforters for you and your sister when you are on, which I think is a Golden Globe Award gala. Now it’s only an hour left to E-news broadcast with you, I think, or it was the Daley 10 will not remember. but my question is this Really?!’

really? huh?

or is she being tappered john MDed by Mickey Rourke??

or them d-bags from Entourage?

can we be the ones supposedly be tapping that? or perhaps juss good ole Malin? can we at least switch seats with gettin his jollies on St Nick?

and who’s tapping-z Malin & Jen’s other sister Mikaela Ã…kerman?

and are there any other hottie Ã…kermans running about that we want a craÃ…ckerman at?

after sum further inter-sleuthing of saucy British babe Rosie Jones, we came (in several senses of the word) across this other hot under the covers sistah that causes mad hand blistahs…

India Reynolds [NSFW]

besides them naughty hotties, the only thing possibly more worthy of dipping our balls into is MTV’s klissasic comedy series The State, which will finally be released on DVD next Tuesday!!!