Thighs Wide Shut

remember Sea Gal Tessa, who’s been on TWS’ radar & junk ever since 2007?

well, even though she is quite the cheery leader of cheerleading that has 5ever captured our hearts and farts, we now feel a lil bit bad about objectifying her and her wicked bod.  why????  wellsie, her high school sweetheart died of cancer and she joined the Sea Gals squad to honor him.  YIKESSIES!!!!!!  if only she weren’t so fly (like a Sea Gal), then none of this would make we feel so guilty!

The World Cup was nice and all, and sure, we even like a da baseball again after a 10ish year hiatus, but there’s only one real sport worth caring about: FOOOOOTBALLSZZZ!!!! and it’s back, and so is our preview!!! C-3PO once said ‘here we go again‘, but he also has a metal penis, so take that for what tits worth…

NFC East

This division is not as good as it used to be, or that anyone makes it out to be.  It’s kinda like Lady Gaga, cept the NFC East has history and Lady Gaga has a whopping total of 1.5 albums.  Well, Gaga will go poop-poop soon (we pray to the lord, John Lennon, that that does happen), and these bruisers will poop-poop each other out of the playoff picture, cause we said so.  Somehow the Redskins (9-7) will top them all, and make the Eagles (8-8) pay dearly for dealing them McNabb (times have certainly changed, as we no longer refer to him as ‘McScabb’)… if he stays healthy the whole year.  That’s a big IF, but not as big as the movie If…..  The Cowboys (7-9) will be about as good as Jerry Jones was playing himself on Entourage.  As for the G-Wo-Men (8-8), one more smack to Eli’s Frankenstein stitched head and you can kiss their season goodbye & Tom Coughlin’s crypt-keeper face from the Giants sideline.  Although, as a Skins fan, we hope he sticks/stinks around cause he blows more than The 400 Blows Part III!!!!

Boo-nus link: watch some dude rub a microphone on Albert Haynesworth’s face, at LenWhale White’s b-day party

NFC North

Vikes (13-3) or the Pack (11-5)?  Favre or the dude who took his job, Jesus in a helmet?  Both will make the payoffs, and hopefully sex-boat parties will be had by all.  The Lions (6-10) won’t be as awful as recent times (or their new look logo & unis) would suggest, and we secretly love them, but mainly cause of their all you can eat ticket option.  And what about the Bears (5-11)?  It doesn’t matter if Mike Martz or a bag of farts is running that offense, cause Jay Cutler is more like Gay Smutler and it makes zero sense how he could bag someone like Kristin Cavallari or even somenone like Kristen Schaal, although we’d take on both at the same time.  How did this team make the Super Bowl a few years back?  Was Rex Grossman the secret weapon?  Is that the only time that has ever appeared in print/interwebs????

Boo-nus link: Ragnar might not be a household name to you and we, but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t want to have the human Viking mascot show up at our Bar Mitzvah!

NFC South

The Saints (13-3) have gots it so good.  They come from the home of Popeyes, finally won the big game, and no one would ever root against them, cept hurricanes and people who hurt puppies.  They also happen to be in a division of stain shits.  The Panthers (6-10)?  Matt Moore = less.  The Bucs (4-12)?  Can you name their starting QB, RB, wideouts, or better yet, their coach?  That leaves the Falcons (9-7) to give the Who Datters the only competition they’ll get.  This division has purty colors, but bores us, and we have nothing more to say on the matter

Boo-nus link: we miss Jerry Glanville, but he has yet to leave us.  watch him plead his case to become the host of the Portland Music Awards

NFC West

This West is truly wild, like Jack Wild or that awesome old game show Joker’s Wild or Oscar Wilde riding Mr Toad’s Wild Ride while getting a mustache ride on Rollie Fingers’ fork/fu&kball.  THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALLLLL!!!!!  The 49ers (6-10) seem to be a bit overrated, don’t theys?  Sure, they have some key players, but they also have Alex Smith as their quarterback.  Smells like mediocrity to we.  The other three squads are all in some sorta transition, be it the Rams (6-10), who are taking a chance on rookie Samnmy Bradford, or the Cardinals (6-10), who handed their playbook over to Derek Anderson.  This being the same Derek Anderson who got run out of Browns town, yet is apparently better than Matt Leinart, which is like being better than scurvy.  Somehow, some way, the Seahawks (8-8) w/Pete Carroll running away from that USC mess, will get this NFL team to play like his old college team, which basically was an NFL team anywayszzzz, and make the big-little dance

Boo-nus link: breast news ever: TESSA IS BACK AS A SEAGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeds:
#1 Nawlins (13-3, the get the #1 by beating Mini in game 1!)
#2 Miniature Soda (13-3)
#3 Redskins (9-7??????????!!!)
#4 Seattle (8-8)
#5 Green Bay (11-5)
#6 The ATL (9-7)

NFC Champs: The Pack beat Seattle, Favre and then Brees to make it to the Super Bowl.  who will they play?  found out in our AFC Pee-view, coming soon and on your face!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Ryan Grant, Kellen Winslow, Santana Moss + the Favre & Visanthe Shiancoe combo

Wees Hates He: the Panthers offense, Larry Fitz, Matt Ryan & Tony Gonz, Percy Harvin and his headaches

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Golden Tate, Brandon Jacobs, Brandon Pettigrew, Sam Bradford and anyone named Mike Williams

peeweeviously:

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

stay pooned for the AFC one!

and juss cause…

we said what we saw for the AFC this season, so now it’s thyme do the same for the other conference, where the grass is greener than Tom Green contracting gangrene from Mean Joe Greene, sometime on Greenwich Mean Time, while listening to Helmet’s Meantime

NFC East

Growing up in the DC area as a hard-die Washington Redskins (8-8) fan meant that w/o question or answer hating the Dallas Cowboys (7-9) more than anything (yes, even more than Hitler) was a way of life. Howevs, living in NY for the past decade, surrounded by these big fans, especially in an age after they fluked their way to a Super Bowl victory, has changed everything. We hath now come to loathe the New York Giants (11-5) the mostest out of all of the NFC Beast teams we loathe of bread. Of course this could all change if we were to ever move to Philadelphia and had to deal with dem dang Iggles (8-8) fans (hope Vick tortures that team more then he did dem dawgzz… or spread around some herpes like his alter ego Ronnie Mexico did). So what does this all have to do with the upcoming season? Nothing, but thought you’d be interested in things we really can’t stand besides Julia Roberts, the smell of fish and curly hair. All 4 teams will beat up on each other, leaving the Giants as the only representative in the playoffs from this division, and the regressing TO-less Cowboys to bring up the rear. Bringing up the rear shouldn’t be an issue for Tony Homo. It will be for puppet coach Wade Phillips, who probably will be gone by season’s end

Boo-nus link: things will get berry confusing on Rocktober 11th when Dallas plays… Dallas? Yeah, Jerry Jones’ boys travel to Kansas City to play the Chiefs, who will take their field as the prior squad, the Dallas Texans, in one of 16 AFL Legacy Games

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers (9-7) will once again have to deal with hoopla and shadow surrounding Brett Favre and his new team, but his inability to play at his best for a full season in Wrangler jeans will keep the Minnesota Vikings (6-10) spinning their wheels for most of the season. If things get really bad expect Brad Childress to pull up the anchor and let the sex boat set sail again. There’s nowhere to look but up for the finally Matt Millen-less Detroit Lions (6-10), and hopefully that will bring some of their fanbase back to their gorgeous Ford Field home. If not, then maybe their ‘All You Can Eat’ ticket deal will make them come. It’s making us come, in our pants, as we’ll be heading there, without our pants, to see them probably beat the Redskins later this month. Jay Cutler’s the new sheriff for the Chicago Bears (7-9), and while the diabetesized gunslinger may be able to get the ball a little bit further downfield than his predecessors could, his 17-20 win/loss record as a starter will continue to stay sub par this season, and beyond

Boo-nus link: wonder if Cutler rox out to Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mixes as much as we do?

NFC South

While he’s been rather quiet since he departed the G-men for the New Orleans Saints (11-5), we fully expect Jeremy Shockey to be a bit more vocal this year and replace Jimmy Hart as the unofficial mouth of the South. And he can do all the talkin he wants, cause cool Brees and his arsenal of WRs and RBs will do all the walkin, and stompin on all opposing defenses. Good to see that things are looking up for this once rather sad franchise. We can’t ever allow them to leave the Big Easy and go to Utah like the Jazz before them and become the Utah Saints. wait a second, that would be mad wicked yo, cause then they can pump ‘Something Good’ at all their home games. That would be many miles and kilometers better than that roooooooooooooar noise the Carolina Panthers (6-10) pump into their stadium. Wish they pumped it loud enuff that their ugly jerseys, logo and color scheme would vanish into thin air. Big question in ‘lina is whether DeAngeLo WillIamS will continue on his monstrous breakout year or return to his shit state the led up to itt? Doesn’t matter much cause Delhomme is still their QB and he isn’t eggzactly entering his prime rib or numbers. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11) gotz no mo Monte Kiffin, so you can easily kiffin them goodbye. That leaves the Atlanta Falcons (9-7) as the only other serious contender to hail from the South. Interesting to see how Michael Turner does this year against good run Ds, when his habit is to only do well against the bad ones. Either way, we doubt owner Arthur Blank (and his mustache) will ever have a blank stare on his face

Boo-nus link: get yer kicks on at Morten Andersen’s Boot Camp!

NFC West

We’re super pissed that the Seattle Seahawks (7-9) cheer squad, The Sea Gals, didn’t invite back our perennial flavorite Tessa into the fold, and this will curse them, in a sorta reverse effect dealio the Yankees eggspeareanced when they acquired Mike Mussina from the Orioles. This will pave the way for the recently hapless (btw, if it isn’t ‘less’ is it juss ‘hap’?) San Francisco 49ers (8-8) a
nd St Louis Rams (8-8) to return to the land of respectability. Mike Singletary’s joo-joo eyeballs will get the golddiggas to ‘come together’ and play their bestest ‘toe-jam football’, and somehow hold the tiebreaker over all the other NFC’s 8-8 teams to make it back into the playoffs. How sweet would that be? They haven’t been good since San Fran resident and fan Journeyman journeyed back to the past!! All three West teams will bow down to the fo & five reals Arizona Cardinals (10-6)… if Warner stays healthy. And if so, they will be Breaston Show!

Boo-nus link: with the Sea Gal dis to our girl Tessy, we’re totally throwing our love to the 9ers’ biznatches, The Gold Rush. if the organization ever wanted to raise some extra funds, they could always make a Gold Rush girl on many Gold Rush gals porn that will not only satisfy their male fans, but their Bay Area gay area ladies too!!

Seeds:
#1 NY Football Giants
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Green Bay
#5 Atlanta
#6 San Fran

NFC Champs: Nawlins in a barn bunsen burner over the leaders of the Pack!

Super Bowl Champs: Nawlins over the Ravens, 77-3!!!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Kevin Smith (catches a lot of passes too!), Reggie Bush (he’s very undervalued), Percy Harvin (on name alone), Donnie Avery and Tony Gonz, like crazy!!!

Wees Hates: Jay Cutler, any Redskin that isn’t Portis or Cooley, anyone on Tampa, Roy E Williams, Roy F Williams, Roy G Biv and the fixin’s bar at Roy Rogers

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lesean McCoy, Glen Coffee (TAKE A SIP!), Josh Morgan (if Crabtree doesn’t play this year), Zona D (they get to play the S’hawks, 9ers and Rams twice each!), Brent Celek and Tom Selleck’s mustache

we had a change of farts and couldn’t dare deny you the pleasure of Meagaghhan Goood’s goods in a Hooters outfit, so hear wee gogh agrain…

peeweeviously:

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

we will always be pro-Tessa and not con-Tessa

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East

You’d think that whomever wears the NFC Beast’s (aka the NFL’s toughest division) crown would be tested enuff to have a clear path to the Super Bowl, but don’t tell that to puppet coach Wade Phillips and the crazy talent loaded Dallas Cowboys (13-3), who haven’t won a playoff game since 1996. Last year’s second in command, the New York Giants (8-8), won more road games last year than Cormac McCarthy facing off against Jack Kerouac on a cross-country Parker Bros tournament to make it to, and beyond sirprizingly win the Super Bowl. Well, the Giants are still a good team, even w/o Gap Tooth McGee, but we expect Eli to return to Earth and his errant passes to stop landing on the velcro attached to his receivers helmets, and juss miss the cut for the playoffs. Everyone’s been hyping up the Super Bowl winless Philadelphia Iggles (6-10), but you juss know that either McSnobb or Westbroke or both will incur some kinda injury and prevent something kinda wonderful from happening. Maybe they should juss forget about chasing Lea Thompson’s skirt [NSFW] and juss bang the drums of Mary Stuart Masterson. As for our beloved Washington Redskins (10-6), we never expect much from them any mo, but they have a wild card in their brand spankin new coach Jim Zorn(!!!!!!!). It could be a complete disaster or it could be the miracle that Chief Zee and the rest of the Redskins faithful have been waiting for since 1992. And if the worst happens, we wouldn’t mind seeing the way too slowly developing Jason Campbell get benched in favor of Billy Dee William’s favorite malt quarterback Colt Brennan. Remember kiddies, the last two times the Giants won the Super Bowl, the Skins won the following year

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North

Does anyone outside of the Great Lakes area care about this division? Didn’t stinks so. They may have the bestest color combos in the league (well, besides the AFC North), but this isn’t Project Runway and none of them are as bangable as Kenley Collins (bi the gay, we totally wantz to remake The Notorious Bettie Page with her, and have to keep shooting multiple takes of all the nekkid scenes [NSFW]). Farve is gone, so this division is up for grabs. Any takers? The Green Bay Packers (7-9) won’t fall apart, but they won’t be as good without the Wrangler Jeans man, and soon they’ll be sorry that they didn’t let him throw the rest of his career’s interceptions at Lambeau (bi the gay part 38238128, dearly departed Sean Taylor intercepted the pass that put Farve alone atop of the all-time list). You don’t hear Jon Kitna making any bold predictions this year about the Detroit Lions (5-11), so it will come down to the Minnesota Vikings (9-7) and Kyle Orton’s neckbeard, aka the Chicago Bears (9-7). They both have sh&tty QBs, but the rest of their squadrons will make up for their shortcomings. The Vikes will edge out the Monsters of Midgay with a slightly better divisional record, and ruin it all by having a sex boat party, with Coach Childress offering mustache rides all night

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South

For some reason, our mouths water like Ricky ever thyme we think of the NFC South. Probably has something to do with the fact that Popeyes comes from New Orleans (11-5) and Bojangles from Charlotte, where the Carolina Panthers (9-7) call home (take that people from South Carolina who root for em!). The Atlanta Falcons (6-10) are surrounded by fine soul food as well, but the teams with the fried chicken and biscuit sangwiche
s will rule our hearts, and this division. Plus they are still reeling from the Michael Vick dog days of summer and the straight up awful quitting of former coach Bobby Petrino. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10) got Warrick Dunn back and we’ll take that as a sign of them going backwards… right to the cellar of the NFC South. There’s no way Drew Brees will start the season again with 4 straight losses, 1 TD and NINE INTs! They’ll make up for it big time with Deuce back in the hole and Visigoth Jeremy Shockey doing those silly antics that he anticizes so well. Man, are we hungry, but not as hungry as Charles Mann eating a Swanson’s Hungry Man dinner!

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West

In the shockers of all shockers, not involving Jeremy Shockey (and Tara Reid), Hank Shocklee, the shocker or the cast of the refarted Wes Craven movie Shocker, the Arizona Cardinals (10-6), on the grocery baggin back of Kurt Warner, will knock the Seattle Seahawks (9-7) off the NFC West throne that they’ve occupied for 4 straight years. The Seahawks are hurtin at WR and have to lean heavily on the RBBC o’ Julius Jones and Maurice Morris. Having one RB with the same letter to begin both his first and last name is one thing, but when you have two, the world may juss explode. Don’t blame me if this happens, cause Nostradamus’ quatrains containing quadrangles said their right quads will rupture and that George W Bush will win a 3rd term and that John Kerry will never look cool throwing or catching a football. And we all know he called that last one right on da money so be careful peoples!!!! Both the San Francisco 49ers (7-9) and the St Louis Rams (6-10) won’t be as shitastic as they were before, but they’ll have to deal with more growing pains than Carol Seaver

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

yous thoughts wrongs!

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

when it came to predicting this year’s NFL playoff teams we were about as hot and sloppy as some of the toilet dwellers on RateMyPoo.com (2 correct in the NFC and 4 in the more predictable AFC), but that won’t stop us from picking the winners now that the real show is about to begin. we last gave it a shot/really cared back in the early ‘006, as our beloved Skins were riding a 5 game winning streak on the weak arm of Mark Boo-nell. well, it’s 2 years later and thanks to some Todd Collins wet dreams, our belovededs have won 4 straight and are about to do the impossible…

ok, so we know they probs won’t be facin demselves in the XLII
although Toddball will finally get to add something
under ‘Career Highlights and Awards’ on his wiki page
but wethinks it will turn out a lil sumtang like dis…

yeah really
did yous all forget that the Colts were good?
yous probably did
and who wouldn’t want to see a Farve/Peyto finale?
well, maybe us
but only cause we want to see more
of SeaGal Tessa

YUM

who you gots?