Thighs Wide Shut

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
It’s Not So Complicated Too
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 118 min

Are you a fan of Steve Carell(‘s sad sack funny guy shtick), Ryan Gosling(‘s serious hotness), Julianne Moore(‘s less is moore approach) and/or Emma Stone(‘s beyond sexy Daisy Duck eyes)? If yer a human being living on planet earth and go to the movies, then the only answer can be ‘yes, to all the above‘.  If not, you might be Hollywood Elsewhere.  Crazy, Stupid, Love is not crazy, nor is it stupid, and nor nor did we out right love it.  BUT, if you love (or even juss like) Carell, Gosling, Moore and/or Stone, then you will dig on them digging on each other.  Here’s another litmus test –  Did you like It’s Complicated?  If you did, you will like CSL.  Nuttin fancy, juss cute people making cute.  No harm, no foul.  Lots of smiles, and if there aren’t smiles, you know eventually that those frowns will be turned upside down

So what’s this movie about?  Who even cares, but we will say that there was a lil bit of a twist that even took us by sirprize!!!  And that sirprize isn’t that Josh Groban is pretty decent at playing a dork, or that Kevin Bacon is beyond decent at playing an unlikable person, or that Analeigh Tipton is solid at being awkward, or that Marisa Tomei can make good use of a bad useless role, or that John Carroll Lynch really is the Zodiac, or that Jonah Bobo has an odd name and should totally play a young Brian Wilson in that 5thcoming biopic

Crazy Stupid Hot Chicks: there were plenty on hand, but we’d like to get our hands on these two the mostest!!

Crystal Reed

&

Karolina Wydra

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Stupid isn’t so at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Proving That Size Does Matter – Wrestling Legend Andre The Giant

The Guard
The Blue Meaningless
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 96 min

Brendan Gleeson is one giant framed bag o’ fun.  He’s witty, winsome and wears a varied wave of emotions on his most eggsalad acting sleeves.  He’s often relegated to playing the 2nd or 9th fiddle, and is rarely allowed to carry a film.  So, what if he was allowed that chance to shine in the center stage spotlight?  Could he pull it off?  What kinda question are we asking ourselves here???  Of course he can, he’s Brendan F$%king Gleeson, who’s worth about 1/2 the price of any admission!!!! And that’s what makes his starring turn in The Guard 1/2 worth seeing

What about the other 1/2?  It doesn’t hold up its end of the bargain.  The Guard is juss way too simple-minded stuff, like opening a box of Lucky Charms (or Irish Spring?).  Gleeson is an absolute joy to watch here, but we wish there was a little more to John Michael McDonagh‘s flick than ‘charming, but surly cop does the right thing against clichéd bad people, his way‘.  Speaking of McDonagh, his brother Martin also tapped into that Gleeson magic, but gave him a much better narrtive backing in his In Bruges.  If you haven’t seen that, see it, and treat The Guard as its b-side, or maybe even c-side

We forgot to mention that Don Cheadle and Mark Strong are both in this, but we almost forgot that they were in the movie altogether (we seem to have memory issues), cause they don’t really help anything along.  Gleeson doesn’t need any help onscreen, but help was needed offscreen.  Maybe they should have let Gleeson write the script and play every role.  That would have filled us with more glee, son, than the cancellation of Glee

Wee Lasses Wit Nice A$$es: we’ve previously profiled hotties Sarah Greene and Dominique McElligott, but here’s what they look like in Gleeson’s arms/our dreams

and now lets turn our attentions to newbie Katarina Cas, aka KC and her sunshine brand of hotnness!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Guard is not the most arresting thing in NY & LA this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Future
Time Stopper
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 91 min

It’s been 6 long years since Miranda July capitvated our minds and imginations with her stunning feature length film debut Me and You and Everyone We Know, and also 6 long years we’ve been foaming at the mouth in anticipation for her follow-up.  Is July’s The Future the future we’ve always dreamed of?  In a word – NO

Not for a lack of trying, and boy does July give it a try, but this trying is very trying, tiring, and an out flat annoying adventureless adventure.  If yer fan of MaYaEWK, yer gonna be very tempted to see The Future, but all it’s gonna do is make you long for the past.  We’re not julying to you.  It is truth!!  July will make you long for winter.  Enter and you’ll be stuck with the dog days of July… in July!!!

So what’s The Future all about?  July and boyfriend Hamish Linklater (July, if she was a man, with a less grating voice) want to adopt a cat, but the cat they want is sick and needs another month to get better before they can take it home.  So… in the ensuing month, July & Hamish decide to re-evaluate their lives.  They quit their jobs, and she decides to post strange dances daily to the web, while he decides to save the world thru door to door soliciting.  Their paths diverge, and the movie does too, into an inane exercise in inane exercises of quirky quirkedness.  She shacks up with an older man with a steady life (that guy David Warshofsky), while he talks to the moon and stops time.  Sounds kinda cool, but it isn’t, and to make things even more irritating, the sick cat narrates the film from a cage, with a voice that is even more grating than July’s, which is not sirprizing since July is the voice of the cat

You’d be better off locking yerself in a cage and letting a cat scratch yer ears off and eyes out than going out to see and listen to this whatever this was.  Sounds like Slit Yer Eyes Out matz, but it’s not quite at that level of awfulness.  There is some thought that she put into this, but we juss don’t like what she was thinking

The First Family of Quirk: in 4real life, July is married to director Mike Mills.  wonder if she was the inspiration for the Mélanie Laurent character in Beginners?????  who knows, but czech out this snap from their wedding.  it’s purty much how we’d imagine their wedding would look like, cept maybe with more wool sweaters and more curly-haired guests

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Future is past boo in NY this Friday, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

this year’s theme – PAIRS!*

So Tell Me Again,Why Did You Have To Die? Part I

So Tell Me Again,Why Did You Have To Die? Part II

*dolls & talking screens don’t count as a peoples