Hesher
Head Banging Bungling
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 100 min

Still can’t make teads or hails of what Spencer Susser‘s Hesher was all about.  We know it contains fantastic performances, and a really cool beat-up van, but the movie didn’t seem to know what to do with them.  There’s a grieving father (Rainn Wilson) and his bullied son (Devin Brochu), who are ‘helped’ in the easing of their pain by a metalhead maniac stranger (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) that appears out of nowhere and for no real reason, other than to drop some antic antics, which are the stuff quirky indie flicks are made of.  You know, stuff like blowing up cars, trashing backyards, forcing grannys (Piper Laurie) to take bong hits, and talk dirty about vaginas, in front of clean nerdy women (an out of place Natalie Portman, with wretched 80s glasses), all done nonchalantly and with zero remorse.  NOW THAT’S SOME MIGHTY STRANGE, BUT WELL NEEDED THERAPY FOR A FAMILY WHO JUST LOST THEIR MOTHER/WIFE!!  Not really

Well, that pretty much sums up the plot of the plodding Hesher.  And while the whole affair is rather scattershotty, there’s still something about it that kept it kinda chugging along, and that it is JGord-Levi.  This depressed family may have indirectly needed JGC, but this movie directly didn’t need that family.  Hesher should have been let loose on multiple families and passersby.  You don’t cage an animal, you let it run free, and you know, let that animal blow up sh#t in different neighborhoods and get other grandmothers high

About Face: this guy is the best. he’s like a more awesomer, kookier Michael Richards.  and it’s always a treat to see his face pop up in movies

that guy is

Frank Collison

watch his work/face!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Hesh messes in limited release today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Thor
Thunder Claps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 114 min

Kenneth Branagh‘s Thor was some pretty darn decent superhero fun.  T’was also unexpectedly mighty funnier than The Mini Page‘s Mighty Funny Mini Jokes (…who doesn’t love fish outta water situations)!!!  And even though 1/2 of the flick takes place in a CGI eyesore in the sky (glad we didn’t see it in 3-D), everything we liked about Thor took place there (no thanks on the earthbound Natalie Portman, Stellan SkarsgÃ¥rd and Kat Dennings pointlessnessness).  It’s also the paramount reason why this one feels different from all the other recent caped crusader pics – it has real mythology behind it, not juss mortal madness.  And when yer playing with Gods (and monsters), you get to unleash the hammiest ham acting this side of an an Orson Welles’ performance.  Anthony Hopkins (as papa Odin), Chris Hemsworth (our titular please do hurt them hammerer) and Tom Hiddleston (the mischievous Loki) all overdo it, but in a good good good way.  The Clash of The Titans aimed for the same ham heights, but the ham they produced was more un-Kosher than… ham

Choosy Men Choose Sif: Jaimie Alexander plays Thor’s gal pal Sif, and we’re choosy, but we choose Sif!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Thor is currently hammering it home at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

btw, Thor is NOT a homo

the face that launched a thousand calories

luls goes LOL!!

Say Hello to Grossberger (from Stir Crazy)???

Fast Five
New Model, Same Make That Makes Our Day
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Justin Lin‘s Five Fast Five Furious (what the film should really be called) is the best Fast/Furious film since #2.  Is that really saying much?  No, but like Prom, it’s eggzactly what it needs to be – fast cars and the lunkheads who drive them, hot woman surrounding them, and dialog so basic that it couldn’t even be written in Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code.  There was one scene in particular that took the cake, made us cackle for a full minute, and summaries the film and series as a whole:  Newbie/hottie Elsa Pataky has a case file in her hand and says ‘this doesn’t make any sense‘.  Her (also Fast rookie) superior  Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson takes the file in hand, sez ‘here’s what makes sense‘ and tosses it aside with much anger.  It so ridiculous that it almost must be seen to believed, and while udderly laughable, it’s eggzactly the kind of scene a Fast/Furious movie needs.  It’s a perfect self-reflexive moment of juss how testosteroned and over-the-top the whole affair is, and anything less would be uncivilized

So what’s new?  NOTHING, cept for the location, and the change is for the better.  The action takes place in Rio and its favelas, and even though this may not be no City of God, it’s a city of good… dumb fun.  Not only are Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster back behind the wheel, but so are there friends from the other installments like Tyrese Gibson (no one delivers more predictable and pathetic one-liners that audiences eat-up more than he does!), Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, ultra fly Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon and Don Omar.  And what is this ‘dream team’ assembled to do?  Something like burn the dirty money of the Portuguese Phil Hartman (Joaquim de Almeida) or something, BUT WHO CARES WHEN THE CARS GO SO FAST AND THE WOMEN ARE SO HOT AND THERE ARE LIKE 3 TOTALLY WICKED RAD ACTION SEQUENCES, which are well worth the price of admission and admission that it’s OK to love refarted flicks like this.  RIDE ON!!!!

Fast Women: you already know about Israeli Gal Gadot (she’s like a taller, finer Natalie Portman!!)

but what about Spanish hottress Elsa Pataky?????

she’s far from tacky!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

5 is alive and well at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Prom
Zero Drama BUT 100% Fun
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 103 min

High school was a mighty awesome time (hope it was for you too), but we’re glad that it’s over and that we don’t have to deal with it ever again in real life.  As for reel life, we don’t want high school to ever end.  Besides dystopian flicks, it’s one our most favorite genres of cinema.  No joke.  The young and innocent are carefree and fun.  The old are slower paced and complicated.  Certified Copy is old, slower paced and complicated.  Disney’s Prom is young and innocent (PG!!!!), very carefree and a whole lot of fun.  They both happen to be the only films we’ve loved this year.  Yes, you read that correctly, but remember, it’s been a lousy year for movies thus far

Is Prom really that good?  Well, it’s no Mean Girls (remember when Lohan was awesome??!?!?), and it’s not really even all that good, in terms of character, plot and style, but for what it is, it is eggzactly what it aims to be, what it needs to be, and what it is be –  FUN!!!!  And simple fun at that!  Just a bunch of charming teens, who are actually teens and not 39 year olds pretending to be, trying to get their prom on and that’s that.  Nothing more, nothing less

While this film is geared towards the lil ladies (our screening was filled with nuttin but), this one’s for the fellas too.  Dudes, yer telling me you don’t want to watch FNL‘s darling daughter Aimee Teegarden look pretty and wear tight hugging outfits for 100+ minutes????  While she tries her best to be turned off by a handsome Tim Riggins-esque rogue (Thomas McDonell), but of course she’ll eventually let down her goodie-three-shoes guard and fall for him like we did (guess this flick works for straight AND gay men)???  You want to say no to that?  Plus there’s even more candy to look at (Danielle Campbell, Kylie Bunbury and Madison Riley… see below), lovable dorks (Nolan Sotillo and Cameron Monaghan), a guy who looks like a turtle (DeVaughn Nixon), a junior Lloyd Dobler (Nicholas Braun), a stoner who we never see get stoned but loves Rolos so much so that that’s his name  (Joe Adler), Walter White’s jerky bro-in-law (Dean Norris), oldie hotties Faith Ford and Amy Pietz with nothing to do but be old and hotttt, and Emily Valentine from 90210 (Christine Elise) serving milkshakes!!!  If this doesn’t sound like fun to you, then you don’t know what fun is and you should hand in yer fun card and be forced to go back to high school!!!

Prom Dates: if we had to choose (Danielle C is too young), we wouldn’t and take both Teegarden

AND Riley

Verdictgo: for what it is BREAST IN SHOW

Prom is king AND queen at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…