Thighs Wide Shut

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw
Built To Fast
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 137 min

8 Fast 8 Furious was a disaster.  Sure, it was fast, and yeah, it was furious, but it ended up being 1 fast and 1 furious way too many for my tastes.  Bringing Dwayne Johnson into the fold changed the dynamic of the franchise for the worse (but perhaps for box office best).  Fast & Furious is no longer about hot cars, hot chicks, and the meatheads who drive and ride both.  It’s now about solving global terrorism… with cars?  WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY FAST & FURIOUSSESS!!!!

So what to do?  Apparently the right thing – Dwayne Johnson doesn’t need the world of Fast & Furious, and we don’t need him there either.  So use the F&F letterhead and team him up with his rival and let the hi & lowjinks ensue.

Welcome to Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw!

It’s got the F&F attitude, but none of the Vin Diesel battitude!  And it turns bad guy Jason Statham into a good guy!  And he gets to make fun of The Rock the entire time!  And he has a sister – Vanessa Kirby – who roxxxx!!

And the movie is very self-reflexive!  It knows how dumb it is and plays that up!  Cliché upon cliché is clichéd, and it works!

But this movie is 137 minutes too long.  Yes, the whole thing is unnecessary.  After some big fight between our three heroes and the bad guy (Idris Elba), I was like – that’s a good place to end.  I’ve seen enuff.  I’ve enjoyed this dumb aplenty.  We don’t need to continue on, and have more scenes of talking and strategizing and plotting, just to set up another big fight.  But it went on, and it turned into Whale Rider or something, and then we’re introduced to a character related to one of our characters, and then I got really upset

Spoiler alert…

I got upset cause we’re introduced to The Rock’s screen mom, who lives in Samoa, a place the Rock’s character hasn’t been back to in 9ever cause of some pointless beef he has with his brother.  And in a movie where nothing is believable, I actually had a problem in believing this was in-character for the Rock’s character.  The Rock’s character is a big family man.  They always make it a huge point about how he loves his daughter and stresses the importance of family.  So if that is the case, why would he never see his mama?  And hold back his daughter from meeting and getting to know her grammy?  This makes no sense.  It makes no sense especially since the beef the Rock’s character had with his brother is squashed in all of about 8 seconds.  All that estrangement for nothing.  The Rock’s character made his mother sad for ages, and withheld gladness from his daughter as well.  That’s too slow, too curious

Next time, less family, more feud.  And pile on even more clichés!

Verdictgo: dumb, but fun, so I guess… Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hobbs throbs at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

8 Fast 8 Furious (The Fate of the Furious)
The DEFLATE of the Furious
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
PG-13 | 136 min

Welcome to 8 Fast 8 Furious!

(previously – #4 / #5 / #6 / #7)

And so long my unquestioned love of the Furious films!

Wait, what????

Yep, the Fate of The Furious may have sealed it’s fate by reaching a point of no return.  It may NEVER be able to return to the days of pure dumb fun, and may just keeping going (of course it will keep going), minus the fun – aka, pure DUMB

HOW IS IT SO??!?!??!?!

I dunno, but when did our beloved hot-head car racers turn into SEAL Team Six meets G.I. Joe????????????????

is this picture from 8 Furious or G.I. Joe? is there even a difference??

Why do they have to stop Bond villains from stealing bombs, on ice???

is this picture form 8 Fast or that awful Bond flick Die Another Die?

When did it become the Fast crew’s job to do things above their pay grade, and above what they really need to be doing – which is juss drive cars, fast, and impress fast hot chicks!  

And when did the bad guys all become fairytale cyberterrorists???

WTF Fast and Furious?  

And where did the humor go?  Sure, Tyrese has some good lines (one in particular, when trying to read Cyrillic Russian), and Jason Statham makes cute baby talk, but whoever is writing the one-liners should be given a one-way ticket to be buried alive.  What, was the guy who wrote the Running Man screenplay buried alive and not available?

Is this what happens with Paul Walker’s character walks away??  You have to go bigger and worse???  Or you have to have more scenes of talking, and less scenes of driving???  I mean the remote controlled car scene was INSANE, but, what is going on here?  Maximum Overdrive IN OVERDRIVE????

I mean, I feel that the road we’re headed on – 9 Fast 9 Furious will find our beloved crew saving the Earth from aliens!!!!  

and of course I’ll be there to witness it.  juss please make it fcuking good.  PLEASE!! and dump the stuff that doesn’t belong that is making Fast seriously slow

Verdictgo: the lowest that Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges goes

I am furious at Furious, currently at a theater near jews AND white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Furious 7 (7 Fast 7 Furious)
Sky Driving & Crying
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 140 min

Furious 7 is ultimately the greatest movie ever, but is it the greatest Fast and Furious movie? I don’t think it’s as amazin as #6 was is, and to be perfectly honest, I kinda don’t like the new direction they went in for #7 – more guns and blammo and less cars and jammos.  YES, there is still plenty of car stuff for the motorheads, but when did our Furious crew need to turn into Jason Bourne/GI Joe and play a bunch of Patriot Games????  That kinda dumb suff started when The Rock showed up in the series, but it’s fastly getting even more and s’mores redonkulous.  I mean, wtf is going on here???

We have a need for speed, not drones and helicopter shoot-outs.  Guess the filmmakers said, well, after #6, we have no where to go but up… in the air.  And yes, there’s a slick ass scene of cars flying thru da air, and another where cars fly thru buildings (AND IT’S ALL AWESOME!!), and anything else you can imagine, and then they threw in a bunch of other over the top stuff which is anything else I guess they imagined… like, hey, we need two pointless bad guys, and we also need a slick-haired Kurt Russell in dis movie for no reason!

Am I complaining?  No, but we’re about 1-14 robots away from this franchise turning into the digital eye-fcuk-sore that is the Transformer movie series, and I’m not too thrilled about it.  BUT, I am all in, and always will be, until they stop making these

+ their goodbye to Paul Walker was fitting/kind/loving/CG awkward but acceptable, and it is what is, although they totally should bring one of his brothers on board for #8

+ this new addition is super crazy/beautiful sexy cool

  

+ they finally acknowledged Lucas Black and Little Bow Wow exist in the FF universe!!!

and for #8?  why not go old school and do some sort of Cannonball Run cross-country fun-a-athon???? Tyrese is thighlarious, and they should take more advantage of that, ramping up the laughs and car chases, not the guns and dumbo

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Furious air mails it in at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

6 Fast 6 Furious
Resurrection Intersection Erection
Official Website | Trailers & Mo 
PG-13 | 130 min

Dude, name me a movie franchise (BESIDES THE JAMES BONDies) that’s still going pedal to the medal in its 6th round.  NAME ONE????  (OK, maybe Star Trek, but Star Trek had so many duds, and they changed the cast multiple times over).  You can’t name one (OK, maybe the original set of Planet of The Apes movies, which are ALL SO GOOD, even the bad ones), and that’s why The Fast & The Furious series may (end up) be(ing) America’s greatest (dumb fun) movie franchise ever (besides the Jackass and Step Up franchisesezes).  You may laugh at that notion, but not even Star Wars could make fun happen 6 times.  Now I’m not saying that all (or any) of the Fast & Furious movies is are masterpieces (two of em are basically worthless – #3 & #4), but for what they are – they are amazing.  They are pieces of (metal) crap, but the F&F movies know this and feed on it, pushing the ridiculousnessness to new extremes each & every time, while actually trying to keep a straight face when doing so.  The result?   Endless laughter and excitement and awesomeness.  You can keep your Whedon Avengers, cause I’ll stick with Justin Lin‘s 6 Fast 6 Furious.  I’ll take a tank exploding out of a truck(!!!) AND a car exploding out of a giant plane (!!!!!) over Superheros ho-hum/humdrummingly destroying CGI buildings (for the nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn^th time).  + I’ll take all the crummy dialog that goes along with it

So what’s Fast 6 Furious 6 about?  Do you even care?  It’s like 5, but MORE and BETTER, and even more DUMB and FUN.  But this one’s got Michelle Rodriguez BACK FROM THE DEAD!  HOWWW????  WHO CARES, SHE’S BACK AND SO FAST, AND SO FURIOUS!!!  And they got a good baddie (Luke Evans), and another lady who can kick, and has an ass (Gina Carano), and a super huge Danish dude (Kim Kold) who needs to play The Rock‘s friend or nemesis in every movie he’s in going forward.  But 6ast 6urious isn’t perfect.  They coulda trimmed off about 30 minutes from this thing (like what was with that scene where The Rock and Ludacris make some guy give them the clothes off of his back and his watch and stuff??), and The Rock has a little-lot bit TOO much testosterone for a movie that isn’t short of terone des testos, and that Asian guy is so boring and lame, and undeserving of touching or even looking at Gal Gadot, who doesn’t have nearly enuff nekkid shower scenes (total count – zero), but this is all minor quibble squabbles, which aint nothings to squabble quibbles about when THERE ARE VEHICLES EXPLODING OUT OF OTHER VEHICLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In its 6th iteration, the Fast/Furious franchise seems to be hitting its stride.  HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE!??!?  And after the giant TEASE [spoiler, don’t click] they be showing no signs of SLOWING down for #7.  CANNOT WAIT!!!!  In all honesty, I hope they continue to make these movies for the next 100 years.  If I make it to 90 years of age, I’ll force my grandchildren to take me to see 22 Fast 22 Furious, but only if they drive slowly

Also, Tyrese Gibson is the secret weapon of this whole franchise.  Without Tyrese Gibson, you have nothing.  Tyrese Gibson is life.  Tyrese Gibson needs his own vehicle vehicle movie franchise –  Tyrese Tyfurious.  If there is a god, he will make that happen

oh, and THIS!

Verdictgo: this is a 92728 star movie, but we don’t do stars so it’s BEYOND BREAST IN SHOW!!!

6 Fast 6 Furious rules the streets and theaters near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…