Thighs Wide Shut

WATCH THIS!!!

Rooney Mara on portraying Alex from A Clockwork Orange: ‘There is something off about Alex, something slightly androgynous and something much more fascinating and complex than simply a ‘villain.’ I also knew it would save me time in hair and makeup with only having to apply one fake eyelash‘

via NY Times’ Touch of Evil thing

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Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Frigid War ‘Thriller’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 127 min

If you were a casting director and said to we, hey, you, if you could pick yer British acting (male) dream team, who’d be on it?  Well, we’d be like, hey, we’ll take Gary Oldman, Ciarán Hinds, Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Stephen Graham, Simon McBurney and throw in Colin Firth, Toby Jones and John Hurt for really good measure (sorry Mark Strong, but yer kinda in too many movies and are kinda annoying in a majority of them).  And then if an art director was like, hey, you, what modern movies that take place in the 70s should we copy for look and style?  Well, we’d be like, hey, totally rip off the look & stylings of Zodiac, Munich and Carlos.  Oh, you mean 3 of the bestest movies of the past ten years, right?  Yes, we do mean those blam-mazing movies that everyone needs to see like 992929 times (even if we haven’t seen em that many times).  Woaaaaaah, a cast like that AND a look & style like thems, could a movie like that be humanly or even robotically possible?  IT IS!!!  It’s Tomas Alfredson‘s (he made the lesser, original Let The Right One In) version of John le Carré‘s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy!!!!!

OMG, THIS HAS GOT TO BE LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, RIGHT?  WRONG!!!!!  It’s got the cast, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME (esp Oldman as Bill Nighy, and Benedict Cumberbatch, who’d blow minds even if he were playing a mute invisible person!!!), and the look, AND IT’S FORKING DULLTASTIC 70s GORGEOUSITY (apparently yellows & browns = the 70s), but what this movie doesn’t have is much to keep you from the beating drums of dull.  BUT HOW COULD IT BE???  Dunno, but this cold war thriller is juss too dang icy to ever warm up to.  NO WAY!!! Yes way.  Sure, it’s nice to see a spy movie that doesn’t need to resort to endless vroomy car chases and big-o bang-o explosions, but guess what, THIS MOVIE REALLY FRICKIN NEEDED SOME CAR CHASES AND EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!  It’s true.  Believe you we, the plot is not all that thick, even though it makes you think it is, and when the denouement show’s its face, it’s more like denoue-meh

moral of the story:  this ‘spy’ movie needs further TAILORING and TINKERING and SOLDIERING!!!!  shiz needed to be defrosted and did not need Tom Hardy with a crappy wig that made him look like Andy Lameberg with a crappy wig.  great actors acting great in a great looking movie does not equal a great movie.  We really want to see if the old Obi-Wan Kenobi TV version is any less tundra-y.  HOPEFULLY IT HAS LIGHTSABERS AND A DUDE WITH A BUTT FOR A MOUTH!!!

Fairbank-Weather Fan: we’ll pass on Svetlana and get svelt-hotta all over cutie Amanda Fairbank-Hynes!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tinker aint eggzactly Tailor made this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

mo from the Richard Parks collection

Sleeping Beauty
Olden Slumber
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 104 min

Boy do we love ourselves some Emily Browning, maybe more than you would ever care to know, but maybe you do care to know, cause she’s so awakeningly beautiful (and talented) and if you don’t agree, then you don’t know what beauty is.  Now that we’ve cleared that up…

We’re still trying to expunge the vomit left in our mouth by watching Sucker Punch, which Browning unfortunately headlined, and in her latest work, Julia Leigh‘s Sleeping Beauty, that taste of vomit has been replaced by the saliva dripping out of the mouths of dirty old rich men.  Gross.  Indeed.  But that saliva aint just a taste in our mouths, it’s on-screen drool being applied to EB’s hot nekkid body as she lies in a sedated state.  Eeeek!!  Indeed!!!

Sleeping Beauty may be a bit too distant and hazy to fully sink yer teeth into, and offers up next to zero in the smiles department, but why should a movie about a lil lost naif looking to pay the bills as a call-girl, who offers pretty much anything to her clients but ‘no penetration’, not be hard to penetrate?  It’s a grueling viewing experience, but one you’ll barely be able to take your eyes off of.  It still doesn’t hurt looking at nekkid women, even if the sexual stuff they’re participating in isn’t exactly sexy (please note – the movie’s not as raunchy as we may be making it out to be)

Browning sizzles in the bare-all role (she aint a kid no mo!), and co-stars Rachael Blake and Ewen Leslie are icy hot in cryptic roles as her madame and a lyrical house-bound friend, respectively.  Blake in particular, whom we’ve never seen in a film before, is f#%king brilliant in the film.  Since the Academy has no rhyme or reason for handing out Oscar nominations, Oscar nominated her a$$.  We mean, look at her!!!  She is both haunting and taunting, and we juss want to listen to her quiet, but strong voice say things all day long

moral of the story: if David Lynch were to ever make a movie about an Australian college girl wiggling her way into an underground world of classy sleaze, it would probably look somewhat like Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty.  Morose and gross, but beautifully sleepy all the same, this baby will keep yer eyes wide open, even if there’s NO PENETRATION (house rules)!!

Poster Boaster:  it doesn’t get munch better than this!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Sleeping Beauty awakes today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…