Thighs Wide Shut

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Dench & Denturesability
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 124 min

Do you love old British people AND India?  Well boy old boy, do we gotzz the movie for you!!!  It’s about old British people IN India!!!!!  The only thing more awesome than that is old Indian people IN Indiana!!!  Not really, and not really either for the movie about old British people IN India.  The old British people IN India movie is called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, and the only thing exotic in John Madden‘s screen take on some book not of the same name is… nothing

The old British people is be Judi Dench (being all Denchy), Bill Nighy (being mildly Nighyyy), Maggie Smith (she looks like walking death, even though she’s wheelchair bound in the flick), Tom Wilkinson (is he old?), Penelope Wilton (wait, that wasn’t Lynn Redgrave?  wait, Lynn Redgrave is dead????), Celia Imrie (she kinda skeeves us out) and some dude named Ronald Pickup (who seems kinda awesome!!!).  These old British people are wooed to the hotel in the title that’s run by Dev Patel, because he needs to co-star in some movie, right?  And guess what, the hotel is not as advertised!!  OH MY!, but wait…

AND GUESS WHAT, THESE GREAT BRITAINERSERS AINT IN GREAT BRITAIN NO MOOOO!!!!  THEY IN INDIA, SO IMAGINE THE FISH OUT OF WATERNESSNESS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHEN OLD BRITISH PEOPLE ARE IN INDIA!!!???  Don’t imagine too hard, cause the movie doesn’t imagine too hard neither.  It’s juss a 2 houred slow ride of old British people IN India, being British, IN India.  That about slums it up.   Zzzzzz???  Kinda, but in a sorta watchable way.  maybe?  DENCHY!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Marigold is kind of a medal below bronze, in limited release tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy
Frigid War ‘Thriller’
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 127 min

If you were a casting director and said to we, hey, you, if you could pick yer British acting (male) dream team, who’d be on it?  Well, we’d be like, hey, we’ll take Gary Oldman, Ciarán Hinds, Tom Hardy, Benedict Cumberbatch, Stephen Graham, Simon McBurney and throw in Colin Firth, Toby Jones and John Hurt for really good measure (sorry Mark Strong, but yer kinda in too many movies and are kinda annoying in a majority of them).  And then if an art director was like, hey, you, what modern movies that take place in the 70s should we copy for look and style?  Well, we’d be like, hey, totally rip off the look & stylings of Zodiac, Munich and Carlos.  Oh, you mean 3 of the bestest movies of the past ten years, right?  Yes, we do mean those blam-mazing movies that everyone needs to see like 992929 times (even if we haven’t seen em that many times).  Woaaaaaah, a cast like that AND a look & style like thems, could a movie like that be humanly or even robotically possible?  IT IS!!!  It’s Tomas Alfredson‘s (he made the lesser, original Let The Right One In) version of John le Carré‘s Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy!!!!!

OMG, THIS HAS GOT TO BE LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER, RIGHT?  WRONG!!!!!  It’s got the cast, AND THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY AWESOME (esp Oldman as Bill Nighy, and Benedict Cumberbatch, who’d blow minds even if he were playing a mute invisible person!!!), and the look, AND IT’S FORKING DULLTASTIC 70s GORGEOUSITY (apparently yellows & browns = the 70s), but what this movie doesn’t have is much to keep you from the beating drums of dull.  BUT HOW COULD IT BE???  Dunno, but this cold war thriller is juss too dang icy to ever warm up to.  NO WAY!!! Yes way.  Sure, it’s nice to see a spy movie that doesn’t need to resort to endless vroomy car chases and big-o bang-o explosions, but guess what, THIS MOVIE REALLY FRICKIN NEEDED SOME CAR CHASES AND EXPLOSIONS!!!!!!  It’s true.  Believe you we, the plot is not all that thick, even though it makes you think it is, and when the denouement show’s its face, it’s more like denoue-meh

moral of the story:  this ‘spy’ movie needs further TAILORING and TINKERING and SOLDIERING!!!!  shiz needed to be defrosted and did not need Tom Hardy with a crappy wig that made him look like Andy Lameberg with a crappy wig.  great actors acting great in a great looking movie does not equal a great movie.  We really want to see if the old Obi-Wan Kenobi TV version is any less tundra-y.  HOPEFULLY IT HAS LIGHTSABERS AND A DUDE WITH A BUTT FOR A MOUTH!!!

Fairbank-Weather Fan: we’ll pass on Svetlana and get svelt-hotta all over cutie Amanda Fairbank-Hynes!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tinker aint eggzactly Tailor made this Friday in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…