remember my College Jeopardy! crush Pam Mueller, aka ‘I’ll Take The Mother of My Children For $200 Alex‘

of course you don’t, but we nevers 5gets.  well, the brainy beauty has let her hair grow long, and she’s still a cutie patootie

and is a grad student at Princeton!

and may return to Jeopardy! in their battle of the decades thing!!!

m’yes please

Don Jon 
Off Beat Beat Off 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 90 min

And the most annoying, poorly made debut film by someone we respect, and now don’t fully respect, cause we hated his film so much, film of 2013 is Joseph Gordon-Levitt‘s Don Jon

If you love a movie that revolves around endless internet masturbation (by a character who doesn’t even know how to clear their own browsing history – ZERO REALISM HERE PEOPLES), gratingly AWFUL hammy Joooursey accents (wish I didn’t have ears), endless annoying annoyingness (wish I also didn’t have eyes), that throws away whatever it ‘built’ up in its first 2/3rds for a final third that feels so out place and nothing to do-ish with them first two-thirds that you’ll juss wish this movie were released on any rock from the sun that isn’t the third one

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Love me some Joseph Jason Jordan Gordon-Gerry-Graydon-Levitt-Stein-Berg.  Always felt like he (and James Franco) was to fill the vacuum that Heath Ledger left with his passing.  For the most part, he has come thru, and we relish anything he does, even if it is doo-doo, but Don Juan?  Beyond thunderdome doo-doo.  I wouldn’t wish this film on my würst enemies, and my würst enemies are sports teams from New York and the south, and George Clooney

JG-L plays the title character – a guy who loves the gym, his boyzzz, and picking up sluts, and going to church, and taaaaawwwwwk-ing with horrible Joouuurrrrssssssey accents with his over-acting parents Tony Danza and Glenne Headly.  He also loves his screen sister Brie Larson, but she doesn’t say a word, just plays on her phone and that’s suppose to be funny.  It’s not.  This movie thinks it’s really funny and clever, but it puts the UN in fUNny, and is more like clNEVER

Things get interesting for Jon (but not for us) when Scarlett Johansson shows up and rocks his world (and destroys our ears with her Joooooororuururusseey accent – that’s worseserererer than everyone else’s).  And then she finds out that he masturbates endlessly, and then awkward funny is suppose to happen, but all that happens is how awkard I felt watching this movie about a guy who beats off.  I beat off.  All men do.  But I don’t want to see a movie about it, especially if it has nothing deep to say about it.  JOing isn’t suppose to be something we think deep about.  It’s actually something we all enjoy doing, but then when the climax happens, it’s best to forget about what juss happened – but sometimes remorse seeks in.  Well, Don Juan is the same, but there’s no climax, and it’s all remorse.  WHY DID WE WATCH THIS???

Later in the movie, Julianne Moore shows up resembling an actual character that we could actually care about, but by the time the focus shifts to her, and away from the other crap that came before it, all wees want is Julianne LESS of anything having to do with this movie

JG-L’s production company is called hitRECord.  He should have hit delete on this whole project

Verdictgo:  Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Donna JOn: if I had to say one nice thing about the movie – I would say that it least it had a lot of hot women in it, like…

Antoinette Kalaj

Don Jon sucks tomorrow at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Enough Said 
The Straight Divorcees 
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 93 min

What if Seinfeld‘s Elaine dated Tony Soprano?  WHAT IF??????????   Keep asking, cause you won’t find that IF in Nicole Holofcener‘s beautifully charming Enough Said, but you kinda find out what would happen if a super-flighty, super-fun Julia Louis-Dreyfus and super adorable, super sweet (FINALLY!) James Gandolfini found love after love with each other 

If the thought of this union isn’t already making your own heart go pitter-patter, than you probably don’t have a heart, or didn’t watch TV in the 90s or 00s.  We hactually teared up a bit towards the end of the film, and even did when we saw the trailer for it the other night.  The trailer tears were induced by the thought of Gandolfini no longer being with us (this is his second to last film ever), but the movie’s tears were truly earned by his and JL-D’s excellent and honest performances  

Naturally JL-D was gonna win our heart, but Gandolfini?  Forever a movie’s heavy heavy, Holofcener lets him go soft, and there’s not nearly gonna be enough said about how great he was in doing so.  This opened our eyes to a new Gandolfini, but this new train aint going nowhere cause there’s no more train to ride.  BOOO TO THE END OF GANDOLFINI SOFT TRAINS.  Oh well, if this is all we have, then this is a delight to cherish over and over  

Co-starring on the fun is Holofcener player Catherine Keener + Toni Collette (allowed to talk Australian) + that guy Ben Falcone + wise beyond their years youngins Tracey Fairaway, Eve Hewson (Bono’s daughter!) and…

Even Better Than The Real ScarJo: 

Tavi Gevinson

Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

say Enough today in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

the NFLz is back.  NF-eeeellllllls YEAHHHH!!  

here’s a pee view of what’s to come, in yo pants…

NFC

NFC East

RGIII turned the Skins (10-6) from NFC Least into NFC Beasts, and will continue to do so this year (unlesssss he goes back to being RGKnee), against the coughing Coughlin Giants (8-8) and un-wow Cowboys (8-8), who hired a new offensive coordinator, which will make zero difference and juss put Jerry Jones on the defensive, when they fail to do anything, again. The Eagles (6-10) won’t be a tragedy nor a comedy, but maybe a tragi-comedy.  Depends on if Chip Kelly lets the dogs out and Vick gets dogged by the dogs in the dog days of summer wearing Big Dog t-shirts

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers was lied to by his boy and restaurant co-owner Ryan Braun, meaning he’ll never be able to trust half-Jewish people ever again.  His new found half-anti-semitisim will propel his Packers (9-7) over the Jason-Hanson-less Lions (8-8) and cold-Cutler Bears (7-9) and whomever is leading the Vikes Vikes (7-9)

NFC South

Bountygate is a thing of the past, and so be the Saints (11-5) sucking.  THEY BACKKKKKKKK and Payton and Brees will play no defense and score enuff offense to make us believe that it’s 2009 all over again.  The Falcons (8-8) blow, but will slip into the playoffs so they can blow it in the 1st round, cause thats what they do, even if thats’s not what they did last year, but Matt Ryan will never win anything.  The Bucs (8-8) will be one win less dreadful than last year and the Panthers (4-12) will be the worst team in the NFL, but mainly cause they STILL have the most ugly color combo in the world

NFC West

The Seahawks (11-5) are unbeatable at home, and will prove to be juss as tuff on the road like Charles Kuralt, and prove to be slightly tuffer than last year’s darling the 49ers (10-6).  Once again leaving the Rams (7-9) and the Cards (7-9) to be two teams that the people of St Louis no longer give a sh$t about.  But hey, at least St Louis’ gotz this!

Seeds

#1 Seatalks

#2 Aints

#3 Redskins

#4 Greenskins (that’s what my niece used to call the Packers)

#5 49ersers

#6 Falcants

NFC Championship - Seattle proves their wools-worths, but the Saints are back and bounty quicker picking uppering their way back to the Super Bowl!!!

–

AFC

AFC East

It’s still New England‘s (9-7) playground to be the bully of, but Buffalo (7-9) and Miami (7-9) are closing the gap between complete awfulness and less awfulness.  But those Jets (5-11), oh those Jets, they still trying to wipe up after buttfumblegate, and that leaky butt aint closing anytime soon.  RUNNY POOP!

AFC North

The Ravens (9-7) may not be the same dudes who won the Super Bowl last year, but they have less annoying murderers on their team, and Torrey Smith will still catch five 80+ yard TDs and they will slightly edge out the Steelers (9-7) and the less poopy Browns (8-8) and the hard-knock lifed Bengals (7-9).  But for the love of gob, can the Browns just make it to one Super Bowl, PLEASSSSSSSSSSE.  And how bout winning one too???  America needs that, and I could too

AFC South

Hate this division, cause they all feel like expansion teams that no one should care about, but alas, we have to care cause they in the NFL, but we mainly hate em cause we always predict the Texans (11-5) to do good things and they never come thru, and I guess we’re doing it again, but adding the Colts (10-6) into the mix, with the Titans (6-10) remaining unremberable and the Jags (5-11), jagging off.  Wait, why do all of the teams in this division have some sort of blue in their color combos?  They should put the Panthers into this division and then throw this division away in the color garbage

AFC West

Peyton’s Place is with the Broncos (10-6), and he’s gotz the weapons (white WRs – SHOCKING!) AND rap songs, and JUSS enuff stuff to hold off the new look Chiefs (9-7), and the not so close and no cigar Chargers (8-8) and not so much of anything Raiders (7-9).  But the only thing that truly matters is if they’ll get new Kansas City coach Andy Reid to don a headdress, like they somehow got him to slip his fat body into a Philly patriot outfit.  Dare to dream

Seeds

#1 Tejasans

#2 John Denver

#3 Pats vs Genos

#4 cRavens

#5 Dolts

#6 KC mastepieces

AFC Championship - Peyton’s Broncos end up up-ending his former team, the Colts (OH THE IRONY!), to make it back to a Super Bowl where…

Payton crushes Peyton’s hopes, AGAIN (oh the irony?).  History CAN repeats itselves – the Giants beat the Pats two times in Super Bowls and bored us to death, so why not this?

Saints 31, Broncos 27

Drew Brees is yer Super Bowl MVP, and Manatee Tai-Yo gets dumbest dipshit idiot ever

enjoy the season, and go Bills!  Jills!

perv-iously…

Bert BlySeven Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

Nikki Sixxxxx Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View

We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
We Plead The Fifth On Our Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Third Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

she so beautiful, and she’s never looked betters than heres…

Michelle Williams for Louis Vuitton