Thighs Wide Shut

once again, that name is Tabitha Gilley

once again, our hands are sticky

The Square
The Jittered of Oz
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

A married man (David Roberts) and a married woman (Claire van der Boom) are having a steamy love affair with one another (are there any other kinds of affairs?).  One day, after the woman finds a bag full of cash that her Billy Ray Cyrus mulleted hubby (Anthony Hayes) hid in their house, she comes up with the not so golden idea to steal it and run off with her lover (never heards this scenario befores!!).  Lover thinks it’s crazy at first, but since it’s a movie and he lusts after her sweet bippy they go ahead with it (and what a sweet bippy!!  see below).  Plan is to steal money first, have house burned to ground by someone is not be them, and live happily ever after.  Don’t works like that!!!  Billy Ray Cyrus’ mom in house when burns down and from there all hell breaks loose. It’s all purty typical noir stuffs with Murphy’s Law enacted at every given chance, cept there’s one big difference: The Square hails from Down Under (that’s Australia, if you didn’t know)!!!!!!!!!!!!!   Credit the brothers Edgerton (director Nash, who’s mainly a stunt man by day, and writer/actor Joel, whom you might remember as a young Owen Lars) with not being very original (‘Edgerton’ muss be Aussie for ‘Coen’), but keeping the oh no, oh snap & oh craps rolling til the very end.  Now that’s a knife noir!!!

van der Boom Goes The Dynamite: Claire van der Boom?  more like Claire va va van vrooom!!  she was also in HBO’s The Pacific and in our Outback dreams, bloomin our onions!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Square is currently hip to a limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we’re totally gay for

Torrance Coombs and his baby blues
as seen on Season 4 of The Tudors

and if you want to keep it straight, feast yer eyes on Coombs getting down and NSFW dirty with some royal biznatches

as long as she’s not wearing clothes

we will be(at off) there [NSFW]

Kick-Ass
Escape From The Planet of The Capes
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Wanna know what kicks ass in Kick-Ass?  Certainly not our even dorkier Peter Parkerish title character (Brit Aaron Johnson, a mother lover if there ever was one, pretending a tad too hard to be a dorkier American Peter Parker), his best buds (Clark Duke and Evan Peters, with nothing to do, cept for us to imagine how each of them would have fared in Kick-Ass’ costume), his pointless pursuit of his pointless Mary Jane Watson (Lyndsy Fonseca, missing an ‘e’ in her name, and any sort of screen presence), his semi-nemesis Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse, forever stuck in McLovin mode), Red Mist’s gangster dad (Mark Strong, who’s the Samuel L Jackson of never saying no to taking a bad guy role), Red Mist’s dad’s Jersey boy thugs (no names worth noting), Toronto standing in for New York (again???) + a generic, tired, trying to be way too energetic soundtrack (think we need a moratorium placed on the use of J Jett’s ‘Bad Reputation’)

Wait, we didn’t name a dang thing that kicked-ass!  Bare with us.  We haven’t read one word of writer Mark Millar & illustrator John Romita, Jr‘s overly-meta comic book series, but then again, neither did director Matthew Vaughn and co-screenwriter Jane Goldman.  That’s cause they started filming the movie when the 3rd issue hit newsstands (do comics even hit newsstands anymore?)!  It kinda shows, cause there’s no full vision on display, juss a chop suey of superhero conventions that sometimes play dumb and loose, like Mystery Men, and when convenient, serious and meditative like Watchmen

Vaughn is a little out of his depth here in caped-crusaderville, which makes it two times in a row (after the messy Stardust) that he’s been unable to jump cleanly into another genre.  And yet he’s got some fight in him.  Lest we forget that he produced Guy Ritchie’s first two scruffy Limey fun-fests, and then showed his own skill with his delicious-enuff Layer Cake. His command of fisticuffs is his bread and butter, and when he unleashes it in Kick-Ass, it… KICKS ASS (rated R style)!!!  It’s easy to lose interest with what’s going on in the first two Kick-Ass character-centric acts, but when the throwdown climax jazzed all up in our faces, the gripes found in the first paragraph disappeared quicker than the Detroit Lions come playoff time

So if Kick-Ass himself doesn’t kick-ass in Kick-Ass, who does?  Two characters who do deserve their own comic and movie, free of the chirpy cheese dripping in their path: father and daughter vigilantes Big Daddy and Hit-Girl.  Nicolas Cage IS Big Daddy and IS awesome.  His character’s a loose electrical wire, with a killer ‘stache, but Cage is somewhat restrained… well, at least when compared to his Big Easy over the top sleazy work in Bad Lt.  But the real draw here and overall is Chloë Moretz as Hit-Girl.  Every minute she’s on screen, she lights it up, and knocks us out.  And every minute she isn’t on screen, well, Kick-Ass could use a good kick in the ass, at the hand of her foot

Sealed With A Twiss: as in Deborah Twiss, and her mammoth mammaries, which are showcased (clothed, which sometimes is hotter than not) and drooled upon (not literally) in Kick-Ass

pee es – Sophie Wu aint so bad neither

Verdictgo: it’s all a hit with Hit-Girl, and there’s enuff of her in it to make this Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Ass rips it at a theater near jews this Friday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…