Thighs Wide Shut

Last Christmas
Wham! Bam! Mostly No Thank You Ma’am?
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 103 min

For 18/19ths of this movie (which I brought an infant in a stroller to!!!  BEST DAD EVER), I was like, this is worse than a Hallmark Christmas movie!!!!  THERE’S NOT EVEN A SINGLE GAZEBO IN THIS FILM!!!  AND MICHELLE YEOH, WTF??  WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SOURPUSS PRISS IN EVERY MOVIE NOW (co-starring Henry Golding)?????  GO AWAY MICHELLE YEOH!!!!  Crazy BITCH Asian, amirite????

But then a twist happens around the 18/19th mark and the plot is revealed to be the lyrics to the title Wham! track and I was like, WOAH!  THIS MOVIE IS NO LONGER AWFUL!  It’s a joy!!! And hey, look, there’s Andrew Ridgley!!  Who sadly was not dressed up like this…

or this

Jitterbug!

Verdictgo: NOT AWFUL!

Chistmas Lasts at a theater near jews and white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Solo
Sabacc to the Future
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 135 min

I don’t care how many directors it took to screw in the Solo origin story light bulb, but the most important director of them all turned out to be the CASTING director (or whomever at Disney makes the calls – Kathleen Kennedy?).  They NAILED young Han in going with Alden Ehrenreich (I’ve long been a fan).  Could there be a cooler young Lando than Donald Glover is??  NO.  And Joonas Suotamo has already proved his worth in wookie fur for his third screen jaunt as Chewbacca.  And for me, that’s enough to mark Solo down as a success.  I believe in those guys as younger versions of my childhood heroes that I don’t even care about the imperfections of the movie that has no real reason for being other than MONE$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$YYYYYYY!!

So what works besides the dudes we already know and love?

Paul Bettany works.  he’s a human enemy, which is rare for Star Wars, and he’s one of the more intriguing baddies we’ve been given in awhile (human, Muppet, awful CGI).  I’ll take him over Snoke any day.  Gawd fcuking dammit – how awful is Snoke?  And even though Bettany’s Dryden Vos has a dumb name, I also kinda like it!  VOS IS BOS!

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and how bout them sets?  they have that lived-in Star Wars universe look to them.  every film since Jedi is too polished. the prequels especially, but even the other new ones look TOO clean.  Solo gets the dirt and grim right (very Mad Max looking too!), and even the classy joints too.  I LOVE the windows in Vos’ pad.  Coolest far far away galaxy architectural design since Cloud City!

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Woody Harrelson‘s mustache.  I didn’t fully care for his Haymitch Abernathy-like character Tobias Beckett (what kind of a fcuking name is that?  AND WHO IS COMING UP WITH THESE PUTRID NAMES???), but he did teach Han valuable lessons, like if you want to be taken seriously, don’t have a mustache like this, no matter how good it looks on Woody!

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L3-37 – initially, I was like WTF is this sassy Tilda Swinton sounding (actually Phoebe Waller-Bridge‘s voice) droid that wants to jump Lando’s bones?  Also, why do robots want to bang humans?  Humans don’t need to bang droids.  Humans should stick to banging banging hot Cuban holograms, but L3-37 (a name# I had to look up) grows on you, and you can see why Lando may want to jump her bones bolts with his nuts.  Plus she gets a scene with the best cameo of the film (and it’s not the red & black dude with thorns in his head)

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the humor.   it works here the way it didn’t work in The Last Jedi.  Jedis are seriously and have dry humor that they rarely use. Han is a scoundrel and a jokester.  As a young dude, he should be even jokey-er, and they did that.  Jedis, not so much.  Thankfully this movie is Jedi free!!

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THE SPICE MINES OF KESSEL!!  FINALLY, we meet you!  And you did not disappoint, although the above grounds of Kessel were a little more sweet than the mines themselves.  And Sabacc!  The game we all don’t know AND love cause it’s how the M Falcon was won!!!  And now YOU can play Sabacc at home!

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and other stuff worked, but mainly Alden Ehrenreich is the works that works and works and works me over.  Alden Ehrenreich forever!!!  EVEN IF I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO REMEMBER HOW TO SAY OR SPELL HIS NAME EVER!!!  Let him play young EVERYBODY.  Young Jack Torrance! Young Bullitt!  Young everyone that isn’t Clint Eastwood, cause he’s got that kid that looks exactly like him!!! 

also, sorry Leo, but Alden for life!

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so what didn’t work? not much didn’t, but…

Emilia Clarke as Qi’ra.  didn’t care for her whatsoever.  her and her giant eyes and tiny frame seemed out of place.  felt like she was acting in a non-Star Wars movie.  sadly they’re setting her character up for future stuff.  The only future I see is that I like her character even less.  I’m already counting down the days when Han gets older, wiser and moves onto princesses #iKnow

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and whatever this guy was.  he sucked.  too much monkey bidness.  bad CGI.  just dumb.  naturally he was voiced by Jon Favererauuu

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Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Solo HANds it to you at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Me Before You
Confined & So Fine
Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 110 min

There once was this super-rich British guy named Will (Sam Claflin), who had everything – a hot girlfriend, a great job, and a thrill-seeking lifestyle.  Then BOOOM – one day he instantly became a quadriplegic and hated his new life cause it was not his old one  

No one could make this guy happy or juss try to get him to live to live – not his parents (fancy dancey pants-ters Janet McTeer and Charles Dance), their money (THEY OWN THE TOWN’S CASTLE!), his physical therapist (Steve Peacocke), or his last 6 caregivers  

So, guess what happens when cheery cheery goody goody gumdrops caretaker #7 – Louisa ‘Lou’ (Emilia Clarke, and her caterpillar eyebrows) enters the picture?  Well, after much guff and puff, she works her Mary Poppins magic on him and BOOM – he can’t imagine HIM before HER – and she can’t imagine HER before HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

But will it be enuff for him to want to live the life he permanently has??????????????????

Yes, there’s a lot of predictability going on here, in the movie based off of the book by Jojo Moyes (who also wrote the screenplay), and yes, the screen is practically tearjerking you off endlessly (and yes, I fell for it and cried), and yes, everything is kinda ridiculous (I can’t imagine the movie being as engaging if the guy didn’t have all the money in the world), BUT I don’t give a flying fcuk – cause this weepie is the kinda movie I expected and got – fears for tears – LET IT FLOW!!!!!!!  It’s like the opposite of 50 Shades of Gray – it’s like 50 Shades of Rainbows!!  Who wants to be tortured by a love story, when you can be hugged by one????

Oh, and the guy who played Neville Longbottom is in it, and he’s great!

Oh, and Jenna Coleman is in it too, and she’s literally the cutest flipping thing ever!!!  LOOK AT HER CUTE LIL NOSE!!!!  I CAN’T IMAGINE MY LIFE BEFORE HER!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Me can be seen by You at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…