Thighs Wide Shut

Leslie Howard and Bette Davis in 1934’s Of Human Bondage

Susan Sarandon as Bette Davis by Kevyn Aucoin 

nailed it – 17 years ago, and today!

Feud:Bette and Joan was amazing bi the gay

Cloud Atlas
Some Cirrus-ious Stuff!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 172 min

Tom Tykwer & the Wachowski Brothers/Sisters took some unfilmable book and made a film out of it.  It’s ambitious, and it’s delicious.  There are 6 stories and they are sorta connected cause they tell us that they are, and cause a bunch of actors are each playing a role (sometimes in dreadful prosthetics & make-up) in all 6 stories.  The sextet doesn’t exactly add up to something monumental and profound, but the sum of its parts are quite sum-thing, and there is nary a dull moment to be found in.  Plus it’s better than Speed Racer!!!

Instead of reviewing it as a whole, we’re gonna review its pieces, in pieces.  PIECE OUT, YO!

Story 1 – Jim Sturgess is Seasick & Sick of Slavery

Easily the weakest of the 6 stories, cause mainly it involves watching Jim Sturgess vomiting on a boat, while his newly found/freed slave pal David Gyasi proves he’s a man just like white people!  Zzzzzz

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Story 2 – Ben Whishaw Is A Repressed Gay Musician

If there was a movie where Ben Whishaw was talking and smoking non-stop, I’d see it 90000 times.  His voice is 2nd to NONE, and his smoking is, I dunno, but sometimes that voice needs to take a rest, and he looks so cool when he smokes!  In this story he’s a gay guy who dreams of being an important composer.  He starts working for some old composer who can’t fully compose anymore cause he’s old.  They work well together until they don’t.  When Ben isn’t composing music, he’s composing totally gay letters to his gay love Sixsmith (James D’Arcy), who gayly reads them.  It’s all totally gay AND straight, and a gay ole time.  It was like watching The Hours, but actually not boring

Verdictgo: Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Story 3 – Halle Berry Is A Foxy Woodward & Bernstein

It’s the 70s, and you know this cause everything’s mustard or brown colored.  It’s true, cause that’s what movies about the 70s do.  Halle Berry has some hot info from Ben Whishaw’s gay lover that some nuclear power plant is up to no good. The plant is run by Hugh Grant, and lemme tell you, out of all the actors playing 239288 roles in this movie, Hugh Grant does the bestest work, and shows more range in this movie that he has as a fop in 3992929 foppish British rom-coms.  HOLLYWÃœRST – LET HUGH GRANT BE IN EVERYTHING!!  Anywho, the nuclear power plant don’t take kindly to a nosy reporter and sh!t goes down, like attempted murders AND murders!  Keith David is in it, but not David Keith

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 4 – Jim Broadbent Flies Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

This is the most pointless story out of the 6, but it’s actually the most funest!  Jim Broadbent is a publisher, and after some stuff happens, including a ghetto Tom Hanks doing ghetto stuff, Broady is sent to an old age home that he can’t get out of.  To make matters worse, he’s constantly being harassed by the old age home’s lady nurse played by Hugo Weaving, thus proving that Hugo Weaving can play an asshole in any sex, color or creed.  Anywho, Jimmy wants to escape and finds other people who want to do the same thing, and that’s kinda that with this, and it’s the funest!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Story 5 – Doona Bae Is A Hot Korean Slave Clone With Bobbed Hair!!!

Dude, Doona Bae needs to be my wife.  She is so hot, as a clone slave with bobbed hair who serves food.  This story is THE creme of the da la soul creme.  It makes me want to creme all over myself.  And it’s the best of the six not just cause there’s bobbed Korean clone slaves serving food, but cause there’s a really cool tale in here and it could work as its own movie, and we wish it was its own movie, cause then there’d be a whole movie of Doona Bae with a bob serving food!  But she doesn’t just serve food.  She’s a clove slave with thoughts AND feelings, and those thoughts and feelings may juss spark a revolution!!!!

Verdictgo: BREAST IN SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Story 6 – Mad Hanks Beyond Thunderdome

The world has been destroyed and apparently the survivors are either tribesman that are scary or white people who speak jive just like in Airplane!.  No, really.  Tom Hanks speaks jive.  So does Susan Sarandon.  It’s laughable for about 2 minutes, but then it gets kinda interesting when future sexy Halle Berry shows up and needs Hanks’ help to do stuff.  This was one of the more intriguing stories, but one of the ones that we understood the least.  Maybe cause our brain kept wanting to see more of the Korean bobbed beauty!!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Worth A Peepers

OVERALL Verdictgo:  Jeepers MOS DEFFFFFF Worth A Peepers

Atlas maps it up in a theater near jews TODAY!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

overdue review doo-doos

Arbitrage
Money Always Sleeps
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 107 min

Richard Gere got himself some balls.  He’s married to the hottest old woman ever (Susan Sarandon), but thinks shacking up with some ugly art chick is time better spent.  Well it ends up biting him in the a$$ cause he kills his mistress in a car accident, flees the scene, and to make matters worse, he’s basically Bernie Madoff, and his daughter’s (Brit Marling) on to him, and so is police guy Tim Roth!!!!!!!!  WHAT TO DO???!!!!!  This conventional movie feels so 80s, but it works in the 2010s!  And Graydon Carter is in it briefly and he has best supporting hair of the year!!

Trouble With The Curve
Pitch/Bitch Count
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 111 min

Clint Eastwood is so old, and so mad.  He’s losing his sight so he kicks tables and treats people like garbage, but he’s a baseball scout and he wants to keep being one, but HE’S LOSING HIS SIGHT!!!  Luckily his daughter Amy Adams cares about him even though she thinks he doesn’t care about her (BUT MAYBE HE DOES!), so she drops everything to help him be angry at stuff, and scout a fat baseball player (Joe Massingill), who’s also being scouted by Justin Timberlake, a former player he scouted, but now he’s a scout, with dreams of being an announcer, but if this is any indication, he might as well stick with his day job.  This movie is pure cheezy garbage, and we loved every minute of it + any movie where Matthew Lillard is yer bad guy and is NOT murdering anyone, you know you’ve got something!!!  GET YER CURVE ON!!

Dredd
Urban Dwellers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 95 min

Never saw the Sly Stallone Judge Dredd cause Sly Stallone sucks, but Karl Urban doesn’t, cause he roxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!!  Cause Karl Urban is the f$%king man!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And cause of him and his scowl, this movie kinda roxxxxxx!!!  Sure, the flick takes place all in one day, and mainly in one place, which isn’t a favorite movie thing of mine, but there are explosions, and drugs and Olivia Thirlby also kicking a$$$$ and Lena Headey being all skanky tuff and stuff!!!!  YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: all three Jeepers Worth A Peepers

all three are still barely playing at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Robot & Frank
Does Compute
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 90 min

Frank (Frank Langella) is a lonely man, left to his own devices, which includes sitting around reading books, and eating crappy food, and having his memory slip by the day.  His children (all bidness James Marsden and earth-toned Liv Tyler) are concerned, so the son drops off a robot helper (installed with Peter Sarsgaard‘s voice!) to whip Frank into shape, keep him sharp, and busy, or it’s off to the old folks home.  Frank aint having it, but this wouldn’t be a movie if he was ‘having it’, but maybe the two can eventually co-exist, even though Robot doesn’t really exist, and maybe they can even become friends!!!!! Man and robot?  Friends??????  MAYBE!!!

Frank does sorta have a sorta friend - Susan Sarandon, who works at the archaic library, and it’s archaic cause it’s the near future and the printed word has become passé, kinda like Frank!  Frank has plenty o’ enemies, like forgetting things, and his kids who won’t let him forget that, and sometimes the Robot, and also progress, like the peoples who want to re-purpose the library into something new and hip and without books!  The face of this progress is a jerky bespectacled young man (Jeremy Strong), and Frank likes him less than he likes having the Robot make him a healthy meal

While Frank starts to get used to the Robot and the help he provides, the Robot turns out to be even more helpful in an entirely different way.  Ya see, Frank is a seasoned cat burglar, but obviously not in mid-season form anymore, but the Robot aint got no rust or dust, so maybe the Robot can help Frank pull off some heists that will stick it to the man!!!!  Yep, this is a movie about some old thief dude who gets a robot to help him rob houses, but it’s also one that’s so sweet (but not too sweet), and so savory (Langella is ammmmmazings)

I love the Robot.  I love Frank.  Pair the obedient bucket of bolts with the crodgity ole man and you have a movie that I juss love love love.  It’s nothing super complex, but it’s simply juss a wonderful film to watch, from start to finish.  You did it Jake Schreier & Christopher D Ford!  Is this the greatest robot movie ever?  No (A.I.?).  Is it the greatest Frank movie ever?  No (Frankenstein?).  Is it the greatest Robot AND Frank movie ever?  YES!!!!!!!!

Robot & Robot: check out Behind the Robots in Robot & Frank, which drops such hot info like how the robot was designed by the same folks who made Daft Punk’s LED helmets, and that there’s actually a person inside the robot – Rachael Ma!!!!!!!!!  we want one, NOW!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Frank does the Robot in NY only today, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…