The Rider
Cowboy Up, And Down, But Not Out
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 105 min

Native American… cowboys???  They exist!  And one in particular’s real life story has been turned into an incredible pure American feature film starring the rodeo driver (his family and friends) himself (and themselves)!  Chloé Zhao‘s The Rider is to be seen, and to be savored!   In competition, Brady Jandreau had a horse stomp on his head and almost fatally crush his skull!!!  Brady (who looks like a leaner, rougher Josh Hartnett) was lucky to be alive, but he had to give up the only life he’s known and loved – rodeo horse riding, cause one more false move could spell the end of his days.  But this cowboy would not go gently into that badnight.  Sure, his best friend Lane Scott suffered a worse fate (in the movie AND in real life) – immobilized and incapable of speech – but Brady just wants to get back on a horse – or get as close as he can, like training them.  The ‘will he or won’t’ he tension, trioed with family financial hardships, and his touching relationship with his real-life and screen-life sister with Asperger’s syndrome – Lily, is a triple threat of cinematic awesomeness.  Saddle up folks, this one is for home AND the range

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

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Isle of Dogs
Scruffy Looking Nerd Hoarders
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 105 min

Forget human beings Wes, cause your cutesy minutiae works best when you’re playing with actual toys.  Personally, I don’t think you’ve hit a human home run since Tenenbaums, but as Fantastic Mr Fox and now Isle of Dogs shows, you can be SO freaking creative and provide SO much fantastical fun when utilizing stop-motion animation.  I am not usually a fan of stop-motion animation, or even dogs, or even Greta Gerwig, but you nailed it (minus the Greta Gerwig part)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

–

The Rider saddles up in limited release, while Dogs remains in da house at a theater near jews AND white nationalists!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lady Bird
Petty In Pink
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
R | 94 min

Greta Gerwig‘s directorial debut Lady Bird was… just OK

Yes, I saw it very post-hype, but when the movie got going, I really bought into it.  I was rooting for this to be a modern Pretty In Pink – a high school misfit from the wrong side of the tracks, trying her damnedest to fit in, and grab a hot guy.  This movie was definitely trying to be its own Pretty In Pink, and it ended up being just pretty (a nice postcard from Sacramento), and pretty much not all that much to write home about

I liked Saoirse Ronan‘s performance as the lead, but the movie felt like a bunch of high school memories strung together with some forced emotional strain between daughter and mother (Laurie Metcalf) that never really connected its dots or come to a gripping conclusion it was hoping to achieve

Still, if you ever wanted to know what a Greta Gerwig character in a Greta Gerwig movie would be like, like how there’s always a Woody Allen character in every Woody Allen movie, then Lady Bird is your gateway to a wig of Gerwig,  To me, it’s a movie I’ve already mainly forgotten about, although I would be open to visiting Sacramento 

Also, the movie could have used even more Beanie Feldstein, and/or Beanie Wells

Verdictgo: very low ened Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Lady Bird flaps in lil wings at a theater near jews and white nationalists

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we named the breastest movies of the beastest of the 2016

and now, for the only awards that matter…

Thirstweenth Anal Thighs Wide Movie Awards

aka

THE THIGHSMANS!!!

_

Crap To The Future Award For Würstest Acting of The Year Award!!!

Nick Kroll 

in Loving

he somehow molded his character and acting style based on the ‘I think he stole his wallet‘ guy from Back To The Future II  – Lester!  WTF???

_

The 7th Annual Greta Grrr Wig Recipient of The OK, You Are Not An Actress And Should Stop Pretending To Be One So Please Stop Being An Actress Now Award

go away

Olivia Munn

–

The OK, That Awkward Tuna-Salad Lips, Keeping Your Head Down, and Then Picking Your Head Up Thing That You Do In Every Movie Muss Be Stopped Forever Award

stop it 

Eddie Redmayne

no seriously, stop it with those dumb lips of yours
and that face thing you do

_

The Samuel L Jackson
Never Met A Script
He Didn’t Like
Man of The Year

 

Danny Glover

who had EIGHT flix released in 2016!!

_ 

Gifs of the Gawds

folding buildings in Doctor Strange!

(better than anything Chis Nolan can do!)

_

Hairing Is Caring

Aaron Eckhart and his partially Ruffalo-Foxcatchered  shaved forehead in Bleed For This!

runner up - his and Hank’s Sully staches!!!

_

Bob’s Big Girls
aka
The 2016 Bobbies!

these bobbies are darin!

_ 

The KFC Finger Stickin’ Goodness Goodie Three Shoes Award

aka – these ladies be DAMN fine award!!

Emayatzy Corinealdi

&

I bleed for Christine Evangelista

and you would too if you saw her in NSFW action

 

 & 

bisous for Ingrid Bisu

&

heaven and hot water
for this hot tamale!

&

the b-witch-ing Anya Taylor-Joy

&

Emily Beecham

&

Mon Mothma, before she was!!

&

Fast Times glamour shots

&

leather boobs

&

these headshots

 & 

the nottiest nottie of the year

whatever the fcuk this alien is.  WTF ARE YOU ???

+

them crazy fat crazy naked chicks in Nocturnal Animals that you should be happy I don’t have gifs for (yet)

_

Eyes Wide Open For Bidness 9ever

aka Bestest Eyes

 Teresa Palmer

 in Hacksaw Jim Duggan

runner up - Natasha Bassett 

in Fail Caesar!

_

The Nosey Nose That Knowse Bestest!

aka Bestest Nose!

 Jenna Coleman

 in Me Before You

_

Würstest Date Movie/Snoozefest
of 2016

Snoozechester By The Snoozefest

_

Best Boys On The Side Players

THIS GUY in Love & Friendship

&

THIS GUY who was a Star Wars extra

 and tells his tales in the great Elstree 1976

_

Songs That Execute Better Than Norman Mailer Does As Norman Bates

OMG – that La La Land soundtrack

20th Century Women‘s tunes!

‘Sabotage’ in Star Trek (which seemed so wrong in the trailer, but was so right in the movie!)

Keanu‘s love of George Michael

+

Toni Toni Toni’s daughter

_

Trailers Worth Tractoring

(in endless memory of Robert ‘Tractor’ Traylor)

 

_

Poster Her! Poster We! Poster Haste!

_

Unintentional Porn To Be Wild Titles

Max Steel /  Pete’s Dragon / Bad Moms / Midnight Special / Everybody Wants Some!! / No Pay, Nudity / The BFG

_

Fenella Woolgar
Bestest Names Award

King Baggot

& Rags Ragland

& Chill Wills

_

Don’t You Forget About Me/These Forgetmenot Bon Mots

the best movie from some other year I saw this year

Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is STILL as amazing AS Amazing Larry is + tons of tidbits!!

Annelies van Overbeek

Martin Short’s wedding coordinator character from Father of The Bride – Franck – IS BASED OFF OF A REAL HUMAN BEING!!!

when New York City’s in trouble – who you gonna call? Pat Kiernan!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Tell Me Again, Why Did You Have To Die? Part VI

seeing Purple Rain for the first time, with an audience that cars

RICHARD SIMMONS (may have) PLAYED A FAT GUY IN FELLINI’S SATYRICON!!!!!!!!

woah – Officer Debbie Callahan (Leslie Easterbrook) from Police Academy sang the National Anthem at Super Bowl XVII!!!

_

Movies To Look For In The ‘017

 

Bossk To The Future – A Star Wars Story

Wild Breasts & Where To Find Them

The Detergent Series: PureX

Some Marvel Super Hero Movie
I Could Give 2 Fcuks About

Hacksaw Jim Duggan’s Ridge

Oscar Mike Golf

Bridget Jones’s Farts

Billy Lynn’s Short 20-Second Timeout Walk

16 Fast, 16 Furious

_

In Memoriam

&

the man who said…

 

&

the guy that gave us this

_

don’t forget to peep out our  ’15, ’14, ’13, ’12, ’11, ’10, ’09, ’08, ’07, ’06, ’05, ’04, ’03, and ’02 awards!! 

how are you still reading this?  and how are you still a fan of this website??  WHO ARE YOU??!??!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Jackie
To Live and Die With Dignity
Official Site | Trailer & Mo
R | 100 min

I’ve missed Natalie Portman, and I feel like she hasn’t really done anything post-Black Swan, which somehow was 6/7 years ago.  Yes, I know she was in Thor and in that dumb Ashcan Kruncher flick, and other stuff, but those were juss movies, not films.  Natalie can obviously pick and choose whatever she wants to do – she’s earned that right – but being such an incredible actress means she has a responsibility to take on incredible roles

I’d like to say that Natalie Portman’s proper follow-up to Black Swan is Pablo Larraín & Noah Oppenheim‘s Jackie Kennedy film, where she somehow is even more graceful, tortured and emotionally wounded than when she was as a ballerina bent on finding perfection.  Jackie is not perfect (it’s close, but there’s not enough grassy knoll for me :), but it is what it needs to be, and Portman as Jackie IS perfection

Throughout the course of the film, Jackie goes from white swan, to white swan covered in blood, to even whiter swan, and by the end of it all, I somehow I felt more compassion for Portman (as Jackie), then I actually do for Jackie Kennedy, for enduring and rising above the horrific death of her husband, and the leader of the free world

What the country went through is incomparable to what Jackie went though, but in a time of much awfulness, she had the right mind to plan a sendoff for JFK worthy of royalty, and cement his legacy and place in history for eons to come.  What Jack Kennedy accomplished in office wasn’t much (he didn’t get a chance to put man on Uranus), but what Jackie Kennedy accomplished in giving dignified life to his death was more than a lot, it was Camelot!

Portman also accomplishes something that wasn’t important or needed – reminding me how much I love Love LOVE seeing her on the big screen

Bonus points to the film for somehow turning Greta Gerwig into a real human being.  Never seen her so un-loopy and restrained.  And props to Peter Sarsgaard for giving new life to RFK, without going haaaard on the look or accent that most others usual do in Bobby’s shoes.  Also, Billy Crudup and John Hurt are quiet great as listeners for Jackie

Also, we finally have a definitive Jackie movie.  before Portman, all we had was this…

YES!

Verdictgo: Portman is Breast In Show, but the film is Jeepers MOS DEF Worth A Peepers

Jackie is way JF O-Kay at a theater near jews AND white nationalists 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

20th Century Women
It Takes A Boarding House To Raise A Child
Official Site| Trailer & Mo
R | 118 min

I love the Talking Heads, but I think I forgot how much I truly loved them until I heard their music in Mike Mills‘ 20th Century Women, and then, like what happened to the characters in the movie itself, it felt as if it were the first time I had ever heard the Talking Heads!!  And I was like WOAH!!!  This STUFF ROCKS!!  And my head and body couldn’t help itself, and grooved to the music!!!

And that experience of hearing the Talking Heads for the first time was kinda like seeing this movie for the first time – I was like – WOAH, there’s something to this movie! It warms my heart and touches my soul!  And my head and body are grooving to it – big time!!!

But this movie isn’t about discovering the music of the Talking Heads – it’s about an adolescent boy (Lucas Jade Zumann), without a father figure, who shares a bohemian lifestyle in a Santa Barbara residence with a strong, loving mother (Annette Bening), his schoolgirl crush (Elle Fanning), a super cool photographer gal (Greta Gerwig), and a handlebar-mustached handyman (Billy Crudup)

This boy is on the path to becoming a mini-man, and in turn, he’s starting to drift away from his mother’s grasp.  She feels the distance beginning to widen, and so she enlists the help of the two ladies and handyman to mold him into a modern man.  Guess what happens?  It’s not juss the boy who learns and grows – but EVERYONE involved too!!

It’s actually not as cheesy as it sounds, and in a movie that could have easily gone too cutesy and way too quirky, it stayed the course of being juss a lovely lovely lovely little film  

For some reason, in my brain, it was like watching a 70s version of Six Feet Under, complete with a complete ending juss like Six Feet‘s fantastic/2nd to none complete complete ending!

The movie even made me grow!  I grew a 2nd pair of ears and haven’t stopped streaming the Talking Heads on Amazon since I saw the movie.  How 21st Century Man of me!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

20th Century is foxy for in limited release 

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…