Star Trek Beyond
Somewhere Between Be-Yummy and Be-en-There-Done-That
Official Site | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 122 min

Beyond is the third Star Trek movie with this new, hip and young Enterprise crew, and it’s already starting to feel very familiar – both good and bad.  Good in a sense that we still love Love LOVE these guys (Pine/Quinto/Urban/Pegg/Saldana/Cho/Yelchin – RIP):, and their familiar presence is a continuing reassurance that we’ll have fun with them no matter what trouble they get themselves into 

Meeting them in round 1 was pure bliss, and battling Benedict Cumberbatch in round 2 was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, and in this third one, we’re totally on board for the new mission – but the bad?  – while they’re off exploring new worlds, even without their ship(!), it feels like it’s nothing new.  This is the 3rd of their 5 year mission, but it kinda feels like its 33rd year of a 55 year mission.  Familiarity – both good and bad

OK, so there was some new fresh newness – like a NEW bad guy – Idris Elba!  And they silenced the fanboys who were pissed that The Beastie Boys’ ‘Sabotage’ was featured in the trailer – CAUSE THE SONG ENDED UP BEING IN THE FILM – AND IT WORKS FOR THE STORY!  And the movie was fun – but it’s starting to feel a bit like running thru the motions.  More of an actual trek, and less of a journey

Maybe in the next Trek, they can boldly go somewhere else, and hopefully as far as humanly and alienly as possible from these fcuking dumb-a$$ looking creatures…

Verdictgo: still, love me this crew, so low-end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Star Trek doesn’t go too far Beyond, currently at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Peace The Forks Out

to

Mr Hockey

&

Buddy Ryan

&

Pat Summitt

&

Anton Yelchin

&

+

Elephants from Ringling Bros

Pink Panther‘s Cato

founding member and namer of The Beastie Boys

keyboardist for Parliament/Funkadelic and Talking Heads

The Tony Kornheiser (Radio) Show

WILBUR!  AND SCROOGE McDUCK’s VOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prince Be of PM Dawn

Kimbo Slice

last of the War of the Worlds radio broadcast crew

Equus and Amadeus penner

co-wrote Full Metal Jacket screenplay

he made us say NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one of THE last survivors of Vaudeville

Vera from ‘Alice’

Judy Jetson & Josie of the Pussycats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the guy literally in ALF

Groundhog Day‘s b&b owner

Billy Bob from Varsity Blues

‘Romper Room’s’ Miss Mary Ann

Food Lion co-founder

Yasgur’s farm son

New Yorker tooner

original Met

‘Waltons’ actress

wrote for Jerry Lewis

she was in a league of her own

she beehived the world’s hair

he did little

she had a voice

she Dick Van Dyked

Momma and Miss Peach cartoonist

Lenore La Motta in Raging Bull

Troma’s biggest action star

former Megadeth drummer

Mr Black Angus Steakhouse

the 1st Mr Patty Duke

Johnny Depp’s mom

Jennifer Aniston’s mom

Chris Noth’s mom

Bill Cunningham

some guy in Planet of the Apes

some horse dude

some Jets punter

some SF ice cream dude

some Australian film dude

some bluegrass guy

some Italian actor

some Japanimator

some mountain guy

some German actor

some vintor

some owl

some Serbian and Yugoslav actor

some Iowa radio dude

mr Othello

Bethesda Community Store

Minnesota’s most famous eagle

not THAT Fred Savage

&

the guy that gave us this

Star Trek Into Darkness
Boldly Going Where Man Has Gone Before
Official Website | Trailers & Mo | Homeade Trailer
PG-13 | 132 min

JJ Abrams has re-assembled the single greatestist tribute act known to man (wet dream team – Pine / Quinto / Urban / Saldana / Cho / Yelchin / Pegg) for a 2nd round of fun, and they do it OH so right again, even if all they’re doing is imitating what’s been done before, but with even more lens flares!!!  Star Trek Into Dorkness is not really about much, besides a scowlingly enraged Benedict Cumberbatch enraging his scowl and wreaking havoc cause the only thing that can stop Benedict Cumberbatch is Cenedict Bumberbatch, and since you know there aint no such thing as Cenedict Bumberbatch, you know that nothing can or EVER will stop the awesomeness that is Benedict Cumberbatch, cause his name is so much fun to say, and we will never stop saying his name (ever since he was a Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award winner of 2006!) Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch 

If only this movie was called Star Trek Into Cumberbatch!!

But there’s so much more to this movie besides Benedict Cumberbatch, like Peter Weller, who you know is gonna end up doing something assholey, and like Alice Eve, who you know is gonna show off her toothy teefy grin, and maybe eat a taco

But there’s so much more to Dorkness than juss Alice Eve maybe eating a taco – like how cockysure rawesome Pine as Kirk still is, and how eye-browsy sharp Quinto as Spock still is, and how to the bone we want to bone Urban as Bones still bonesies, and even though we pegged Pegg as maybe not the right choice to play Scotty, he has since beamed us up to changing our minds, and we still cho–cho-choose Cho as Sulu, and although Yelchin doesn’t have much to yel or chin about, he still roxxx the Ruskie accent shardcore in his minimal amount of screentime.  Kinda tossed about Saldana as Uhura.  She’s hot, and Uhuraish enuff, but why does she have to sweat Spock?  Why can’t she bone Bones?  Or me?  Or Alice Eve’s almost taco?

What am I saying?  I IS SAYING THAT IF YOU LOVES THESE PEOPLE AS NEW ERA STAR TREK PEOPLES THENS YOU WILL WANT TO WATCH THEM DO ANYTHING, like nap, or almost eat tacos, or fly in space, or be awesome amongst lens flares!!!!

JJ Abrams has done so much with the so little that the Star Trek universe had to offer him.  Imagine what he’s gonna do when he gets his spectacles sighted on a real spectacle franchise like Star Wars!  Actually Star Wars seems less like a real franchise these days than Star Trek does now.  WOAH!  I know!  But JJ will make mountonus molehills out of the dumphole that George Lucas left his own franchise stewing in.  And if JJ can’t get the Star Wars franchise back on target, maybe no one can, and then maybe he can take over the Farrell’s Ice Cream Parlour company and turn that franchise around and open a franchise in my stomach

Thank you JJ.  You made us believers of something we didn’t ever really even care about before.  Spock to the future, yours and ours!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Trek is boldly but goody in thIghMAX today and at a theater near jews tomorrow

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict Cumberbatch Benedict

The Beaver
Leave It
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 91 min

Mel Gibson is a guy in a deep funk, on the edge of much darkness.  Everyone’s given up on him, and he has nowhere really to go but further down a bottle of liquor.  No, we’re not talking about Mel Gibson the person, we’re talking about the character Mel Gibson plays in pal Jodie Foster‘s The Beaver.  Eager to see this disaster of a man play a disaster of a man put on display?  Of course you and we are.  Who doesn’t love watching a good ole train wreck, or indulging in things/people we can’t stand or that hate us for no good reason other than our control of the banks and the medi (how else do you explain why we relish in watching anything with Hitler in it, or can’t turn away from a Duke basketball game?).  Problem is, the man isn’t a disaster, the movie is!!!

The Beaver comes down to this: can you buy into a character who finds renewed passion for the Christ life with the help of a puppet he’s got his own fingers up in?  If it was played strictly for laughs, with a small slice of heart, it would work, but The Beaver oozes with way too much seriousness and sappiness, and we weren’t buying it for a second.  Maybe if the beaver was voiced by Jerry Mathers, we could suspend our disbelief, but the beav’s voice is Mel’s own, in a super-annoying cockney Australian accent that is so grating that it almost works as an anti-Australian tourism or anti-puppetry campaign.  More like camp-PAIN!!!!  Urgh!!!

So if you can’t buy into the beaver in The Beaver right off the bat, you’ll be stuck rolling your eyes until it’s time to roll out of the theater.  To make matters even worse, there’s a parallel story about Mel’s son (the ever annoying Anton Yelchin), who’s trying everything in his power to not end up like the old man.  By day he writes classmates’ papers for pay, and by night, he’s a whiny little bitch.  His latest client is the school’s arty smarty hottie (grumpy faced Jennifer Lawrence, not saying ‘you seen my daddy‘ 38388 times over this time) and it’s so not at all interesting that we won’t even bother elaborating about them

Writer Kyle Killen‘s story started out as a short one, and then went full blown, and then ended up as one of those Black Listers (best unproduced screenplays), but by the results, it probably should have remained black listed, or maybe just a short story, or juss anything that wasn’t Ordinary People Muppets

Nice Beaver:

via

Verdictgo: even though Mel’s performance is a slight draw here, nothing else is, so Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

Beaver is puppetry of the leanest today in select cities

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…