Thighs Wide Shut

– Who couldn’t care less about the Golden Globe winners, hispecially since Leo wasn’t beeleaveable for a second as Howie Hughes, yet couldn’t stop staring at Nancy O’Dell’s body during the preshow? ME!

– Who this guy with the guile and gumption to post mp3s for every track of Beck’s new album? Gawd only knows, but thanks to StereoScottSkiles and Productson for the linklove.

– Who knew that Kip/Aaron Ruell from Napoleon Dynamite was such a dynamite photographer? Maybe Aaron’s mum?

– Who returns from the grave next Tuesday with a Mouthfeel? Magnapop does and yous can download their ultra-catchy single ‘Smile 4U’ here.

– Who was the least biggest sirprize in da Da Vinci Code‘s casting? Jean Reno as detective Bezu Fache. While Opie’s at it, why doesn’t he sign up Leon’s padawan, Matilda!!!!!!

– Who could easily become Her Royal Thighness The III? This 100 pound chick who became the first person to eat a six-pound hamburger in under three hours! [via Posh & Becker]

– Who the scrooge are Autolux? Beats the spork outta me, but count dem in for Coachella. [via The Mesh Board]

– Who is Harry Crumb? Ask Shawnee.

– Who has been house hunting the homes of Bush’s cabinet? Probably not LL, who rocketh.

– Who knew Andy Rooney had a son, let alone banged someone, and that his son was also a reporter? I dunno, but I bet he’s much more qualified than Jeremy Schaap.

– Who Flung Poo?

– Who be hittin the road this April that you butter go see cause I juss told you to do so or ELSE?? Les Fiery Furnaces, and with their last show slated for the end of April in San Fran, is it safe to say they’ll be Coachella bound? [via The Veggie Head via The Cowboy]

Wed 04/06/05 Cleveland, OH The Spot

Sat 04/09/05 New York, NY Bowery Ballroom

Sun 04/10/05 Brooklyn, NY North Six

Tue 04/12/05 Detroit, MI Magic Stick

Wed 04/13/05 Newport, KY Southgate House

Fri 04/15/05 Atlanta, GA Emory University

Sat 04/16/05 Nashville, TN Exit / In

Sun 04/17/05 Saint Louis, MO Washington University

Tue 04/19/05 Columbia, MO Blue Note

Wed 04/20/05 Lawrence, KS The Bottleneck

Fri 04/22/05 Boulder, CO Fox Theatre

Sat 04/23/05 Salt Lake City, UT In The Venue

Thu 04/28/05 San Francisco, CA Great American Music Hall

Fri 04/29/05 San Francisco, CA Great American Music Hall

– And finally… Who got their a$$ royally spanked by His Royal Thighness in some HOT Literati action, yet still was nice enuff to provide us all with the fine animated gif you see below? Giddy-up Giddy Gideon. Bless you my dear.

Oh, the Bok Choyces we have to make in our lives. Sunday night was the biggest dilemma in the House of Thighs since the Ford administration. What is one to do when Fox airs two straight hours of Jack Bauer’s heavy breathing and one of those hours juss so happens to overlap with the lovely, yet desperate Housewhores? Like there was even a decision to make. I shouldn’t even bother watching 24 anymore since Her Royal Thighness, Kim/Cuthy, parted ways with the show, but with the addition of William Devane (who used to look like RFK and now looks like Ted Kennedy), a House of Sand and Fogesque family, and hispecially Lukas Haas (my former muse before Barret Oliver re-stole my heart), it was enough to keep me glued… for at least that 1st hour. I mean, there really aint nuttin in this good world dat’s gonna keep me away from Bree Van De Kamp and her purrrrrrfect red hair that I just wanna lick all day like it was Häagen-Dazs. Cold case closed… for now.

– Speaking of HRT, is Sir Ian Holm Elisha Cuthbaby’s secret daddy? Why else would he shorten his name?

– And what kind of a bloggah would I be if I didn’t pass a long a peace le fork out to Jennirad Pittison. What will we ever do without you, our most boringistestically former Hollywood super-couple? I dunno, I guess watch Lukas Haas kick gla$$!!

– Lindsay Lohan Picked As Top Celebrity Gamblers Want To See In The Nude. I hear that’s the second greatest honor one can receive next to being knighted or mcnabbing a coveted Subie Award.

– Looks like Michael Jackson has done some pretty bad things. Nicknaming two kids ‘Doo Doo Head’ and ‘Blowhole’ may be the wurstest of the bunch.

– Andy Rooney, lover of cell phones? Whatta you think?

– I think I have a Cliff Engle NFL sweater fetish. Somebody please help me.

– 62-Foot Stogie Rolled in Puerto Rico. It’s things like this that make me so proud that they’re a US commonwealth.

– Blog + Video = Vlog. That’s about the gayest thing I’ve ever heard of that isn’t even gay. So don’t get yer hopes up folks, cause you won’t be seeing your’s drooly becoming Vlog the Impaler anytime soon. [link and Dracula pun via Johnny Bill$$z]

– Porn bad? According to this 1965 PSA by Citizens For Decent Literature Inc, it most certainly is! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Terrence Malick, who directs a movie about as often as I exercise, decides to make a come back with this? Note to Hollywood: we’re sick of Colin Farrell. Please send him back to the land of Darby O’Gill and dem little people.

– Melinda & Melinda looks more like a Will Ferrell movie, than a Woody Allen one. The jury’s still out on whether that’s a good or bad thing.

– Which Napoleon Dynamite character is you? I landed the plum role of Kip, which was fitting since I like to chat with hot babes all day shlong on the internets too! [via Kentucky Woman]

– Is your name Jim Wilson? You’re not alone.

– And I’m sorry if the following animated gif of the magi is N.S.F.P.W.L.O.H.M.B. (Not Safe For People Who Love Or Hate Mr Bean), but it au jus had to be posted. [all thanks or blame can be directed to Wimp.com via my dearest to CityRagDoll]

– Congratzi to Wade Bogglechampion and Ryne Doucheberg on being the newest inductees into MLB’s HOF. And big ups to the 2 people who voted for Tom Candiotti. By the lay, who the jordie la forge names their kids Wade or Ryne? I mean, you can use both those names in a really bad sentence, like, ‘Wade ryne here til I’s gets back now, yous hears?‘ Them names make Espn, as a kid’s name, sound almost normal! ALMOST! Semi Boggs related link: Don’t worry yer lil heart out Madame Twoswabbs, these people don’t know their wax figures from their wax holes!

– If you can rent out The Fridge or Corky, of course you can Rent-A-Midget. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Posh spice has had 3 boob jobs? Tell me more!

– Star Wars Tres may go all PG-13 and shit on us. Rumor has it cause there’s this scene where Jar Jar gives Watto a glass bottom boat (where you place saran-wrap over someone’s face and then take a dump on their face). Anywho, who knew that after all these years, Billy Dee was still one smoothe mothersticker? Doesn’t hurt that he’s surrounded by a pack of white people. [via Double Veester/Thigh Master imposters]

– Beck’s new album delayed til March. Let the Anti-Beck-Alley-Abortion protests begin!

– It must hurt when a brother of a Backstreet Boy sez yer singing is udderly whack. It must hispecially sting when said person was also yer former flame AND also dated yer biggest rival. Too bad for said person that in 10 years time, he’ll be sucking cock for nickels.

– WWJLLAAB (What Would Jesus Look Like As A Boy)? [via Nipsy Newbular]

– The future always sounds better in the past. I mean, who doesn’t want to drive a hovercraft?

– Everyone most flavorite fooball team, The Washington Redskins, already know who they’re playing next year. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they’re going 16-0.

– Don’t forget about The Gates, coming soon to a gigantic public park (possibly) near you!

– Police Say Man Rages Over French Fries

– Catchdubsdotcom, now with 100% less Orko and 40% better link color legibility. I guess you take the good with the bad, and the ugly.

– I have the body of an adonis, and a D that makes Ron Jeremy look like a cloned hybrid of a disemboweled Jeremy Sisto (pre “Moonlight and Valentino,” snatch) and Rainbow Brite wearing a fucking strap-on dipped in au jus. That being said, I have decided that my New Year’s resolution will be to simply continue being fucking wonderful. What the fizzle does this rizzle mean? I dunno, but 2005 will toast def be The Year Of Peabs.

– And just for jizz and giggles, by way of The Scrappy Hapster, we give you this thang…

– What’s gotta be one of the hottiest flicks of this winter that no one even knows about: master director Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s (Amélie, City of Lost Children, Delicatessen) latest starring Audrey Tautou “You”, A Very Long Engagement. Peep the trailer here. Opens in NYC tomorrow, and everywhere else, whenever.

– Think you’ve seen the last of Ronald Artest this season? Guess again cause Bandwagon Boy predicts that he’ll go incognito by donning a mask, just like Dusty Rhodes/The Midnight Rider did. See the Nov 22nd posting for more geniussnessness. Speaking of Ronnie, here’s an animated gif you can enjoy for ages [last via CatchyDubs].

– First Heidi Klum whored herself out to Target, and now it’s McDonald’s turn to utilize her a$$ets. But what’s next? Lettuce all pray she, like choosy Moms, chooses to do a JIF commercial where she spreads that peanut buttery goodness all over her ragga-muffins.

– Sorta related thing: Get a wake-up call from Heidi, Lord Vader, Cheech Marin, Ice-T, or your choice of other annoying people/animals right here.

– French chick Julie Delpy may be tapped to play French chick opposite Tom Hanks in da Da Vinci Code.

– First look at Charlize Theron as Aeon Flux. Looks like Tiffani-Amber Deli-scrumptious on Atkins!

– Fridaylly, if you can’t hold off til December 7th to hear Her Former Royal Thighness’ debut album Speak, take a sneaky peak preview to LL rocking the hizouse right here. And is it juss me, or is the beginning of her song ‘Disconnected’ bitched @ swirth with Radiohead’s ‘Paranoid Android’? And honestly, does anyone still care if she’s got ‘Fake Plastic Tees‘?

Plain and nipple simple, you don’t, unless you watch the uber–unhotness VIDEO of it happening!! [updated betterest areola vid link mad hotness via Dis Lonely Hizland]

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– I never thought I’d see the day, but Elisha Cuthy Cuthinson did something that makes me want to puke all over my penis: had raw tuna for lunch.

– For those who care (or to see how orange she is), Her Former Royal Thighness, LL’s guest spot on That ’70s Show will air on November 10th – this Wednesday. And while u wait for that, Grambs dissects her upcoming album’s cover. Seriously, where are the tits!!

– So much good info from The Fiddler today: Six Feet Over? Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!! At least they know how to go out on top unlike The So-borings. Simpsons flick set for 2008. And after peeping Tim Burton’s Wonka poster, I’m officially scared for me and all the Augustus Gloops out there.

– CAT IN SPACE!!!! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Renee Zellweger engaged to Jack White? Maybe puffer fish face will take over on drums for Meg.

– Ewan McGregor as 007? NOW there’s something I can get behind… besides Jude Law on all fours!

– Google helps you find porn and now can even save people’s lives! [via Mediabistro]

– NBC will continue to carry the wurstest in network sports… at least until 2011.

– How does one purrfectly advertise for that super Wilco-Lips-Kinney New Year’s show? They do it like dis.

– The 70s were such an awful decade. Let these Weight Watchers recipe cards be further proof. [via My Man Marvkus]

– How dare some yokel use the great name of Waffle House in a song bashing Kerry. To make us all feel better, read the brief history of Waffle House. [both via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– The International Sand Collectors Society. These guys get slightly more pussy than the Elephant Man.

– Bruce Lee animated gif, from Johnny Dollar to you and me.

– Peace the fork out to Howard Keel, a man I knew little about, cept he had a WICKED-a$$ mustachio!

– Everyone knows the Thigh Master is a man all about dem Japanese peoples. And you should too, cause who doesn’t love ‘Japanese business man is tired‘ and bitch slappingings. [both via Newbsy Russell]

– Andy Rooney delivered one of his sharpest curmudgeon thing-a-ma-bobs of the year on last evening’s 60 Minutes.

– Adidas’ T-Mac 4: the mos pointless shoe since the Reebok Pump? If you see Dee Brown sporting these, run for your lives!

– Loathe green beans like me, then don’t even think about trying the Green Bean Casserole Soda.

– Alert to Arkansas boys who enjoy swordfighting, keep an eye on the Arkansas girl who can blow a 16-inch bubble.

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– 19 lobsters in 35 minutes. My hero.

– And just wanted to briefly mention the two fab election week shows I attended last week: Le Tigre @ Irving Platz and R.E.M. @ MSG. Le Tigs f-in rocked… whilst playing as few instruments as humanly possible. It was the day before the election and spirits were high… especially being around a ton o lesbians rocking out, who you knew were voting for JFKerry. The new and old tunes shined on like crazy diamonds. As for Rapid Eye Movement, a lot of peeps be knocking how boring their new album is, but they juss plain crazy. Listen to it 7 mo times for a full effect. And personally, I think since Bill Berry left the group, they’ve only gotten BUTTER! Yepper-ino. The show I saw was two days after the election. Stipey and co were rather quiet, quiet like the new songs, but the energy was high, but not as high as me. They summed up how the audience was feeling when when they opened with ‘It’s The End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)’ and before playing classic ‘Cuyahoga’, said ‘This is a song about Ohio’ to a chorus of boooos (to the red state, not the song). And sure, some of the new songs slowed down the set, and I wasn’t too happy the didn’t play the breastest song off of Around The Sun, ‘Electron Blue’, but it tit all sounded so beautiful (was that heteroflexible sounding enuff?). You can find the set-list here. Howevs, the show was not nearly as umcredible as the two I caught last year around this time on their greatistist hits tour. And I juss wanna add that it be a crying shame that the show wasn’t even sold out. C’mon people, they’re just as good as fellow 20+ year olders U2, cept they didn’t play inside a giant lemon or like the Pope’s johnson. So go and support the gay political bald dude. He needs more money to be gayer, politicaller, and even more bald. Who loves ya baby?