Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows: Part 2
Graduating On Time
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG13 | 130 min

before we tackle 7.2, lets look back on what we said about 1 thru 7.1, in which we barely remember a thing about any of them.  cause lets be honest, these stories are pretty much one long continuous cliffhanger for one final ‘epic’ showdown (MORE LIKE SLOWDOWN) with Voldemort, or something!!!

Sorcerer’s Stone & Chamber of Secrets – Chris Columbus was king of the poo/boo/snoozefests to the Zth degree

Prisoner of Azkaban – the greatest third movie ever

Goblet of Fire - admirably carries the torch with badder baddies, diggty dragons, tentacled mermaids, tentacled trees, and the seeds of young love

Order of the Phoenix – Yer not going to be amazed, but yer not gonna walk away disappointed neither.  I don’t think anyone’s cryin that the quidditch season got canceled this go around

The Half-Blood Prince - Harry Potter’s 6th cinematic adventure feels more like a real movie and less like a, well, Harry Potter movie.  Hammazin how a few pubes make everything a lot more interesting

Deathly Hallows: Part 1 - The Deathly Hallows is deathly awesomes!!!!

OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so what about 7.2??  Feels rushed (all 8 of them did), but that’s better than it feeling slow (none of them were), but STILL, it was a very very very very very very very satisfying ending to set of movies that was always pointing towards a big ending, even if it took forever to get there (in a non-slow way, but 8 movies is a lot of movies!)

but this is the way you go out.  no one wants 283838 false endings like in LOTR III or juss being awful in general like Star Wars III, or feeling unmade like Leonard Part III.  we want closure and closure is what Potter 7.2 did.  CASE CLOSURED!!!!!

Also, it was well shot, with like nice camera angles and lighting and thingies!!!!  Yeah David Yates!!!

Also, Voldemort had a cinematic purpose for once!

Also, we love it when Hogwarts gets its a$$ kicked, cause school is boring!!!

Also, the movie was kinda scary (those banking goblins were creep-a-rooni)!!!

Also, Professor McGonagall’s breaking out her wand was ALMOS cooler than when fake digital Yoda broke out his lightsaber (or when Yaddle whipped out her dick)!!

Also, the #1 actor in our hearts (Ciarán Hinds) was in it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, there was a WET-ish T-SHIRT CONTEST (too bad Hermione has zero boobs)!!!

And although we’ve poo-pooed on Chris Columbo’s name left and right, for making the first 2 movies berry vanilla, he does get credit for casting Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint, and somehow they magically grew into decent actors, great kids, and our pals 4life!!!!!!

still can’t believe that Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are really twin brothers, Dumbledore is Dudley Dursley’s father, the entire Weasley family dyes their hair, Moaning Myrtle is actually less moany than her mother Moaning Mona, and that Rita Skeeter give sloppy hand jobs!!!!  SO MANY REVELATIONS!!!!

Never5get: when ‘they’ made Hermione’s boobs bigger

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Potter 7.2 is a movie you’ve already seen if you’ve seen Potters 1 – 7.1, so you don’t even need to know where it’s playing

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Welt am Draht (World On A Wire) is a 70s dystopian (OUR MOS FLAVORITE GENRE EVERSZZESSS!!!) German TV movie that’s 3.5 hours long.  it’s like A Clockwork Matrix Blade Running Alphaville from 1984 in Germany of the 70s present future or something!

juss watch the trailer, although the movie isn’t as crazy as the crazy trailer makes it out to be cause crazy craziness is crazy hard to maintain for 3.5 hours (that’s what she said), although that crazy old annoying computer noise is certainly crazy AND annoying!!!

but Rainer Werner Fassbinder‘s bindspelling (TV) movie is still some crazy-a$$ed crazed sh#t, and hella crazy German, and it may have indirectly invented Daft Punk or their helmets or something

but what didn’t invent Daft Punk or their helmets or something?

YOUR MOTHER!!!

and these guys!!!

or this kick-a$$ amazing new re-release poster!!!

did we mention that Wire has nothing to do with Man On Wire, BUT has lots of orange & yellow colored-things, ghetto-arsed computers that yer dad used to use, minor German nudity, and more mirrors than Versailles????

Wire is coming to your World. check out the playdates for when & where

think we need to see some more of this Fassbinder guy’s stuffs.  he just jumped to #2 on our list of mos flavorite kinda binders of balls thyme, one spot behind Trapper Keepers!!!

bless you Brothers Costacos

& to Salon94 for their tiny but worthy eggzibit of dem posters (not all of them involve guns)

Captain America: The First Avenger
Drags of Our Fathers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG13 | 125 min

As a movie, Captain America is OK, we guess, but as a superhero movie, it’s like a Mad-Libs fill in the blanks paint by numbers road more traveled exercise in nothing newness here.  Sure, it may be a bit ‘different’ by taking place during WWII, draped in a Flags of Our Fathers look, but that’s not enuff to make up for one giant narrative void.  Here’s the story: there’s a scrawny guy (Chris Evans, who had more fun, and we did too, when he was the Human Torch), who becomes unscrawny (by way of Stanley Tucci‘s questionable German accent), and then the newly unscrawny guy needs to stop someone who may be even more unscrawnier than him (Hugo Weaving, with nothing to do but show off his crazy eyes and teeth and like shoot some blue lasers from time to time).  On team unscrawny guy there’s Hayley Atwell, Tommy Lee Jones and a band of silly looking boringest basterds (nice bowler hat & mustache, you jacka$$!!!).  Weaving’s got Toby Jones, who totally wishes he was the face melting Nazi from Raiders.  A battle ensues?  Or something?  Not really.  Can’t remember anything that actually happened in this movie, cept they tried to sell war bonds, and couldn’t sell a story

War Bondage: Al Capp, creator of Li’l Abner, and raunchy war bond posters!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Captain is all over America and a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

dude

GOAT CARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[via Bobbed]