Thighs Wide Shut

The Chronicles of Narnia:
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Sea’s Candy Is Dandy Enuff
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

We’ve said it a zillion times before, but blessed be the casting director(s) of the Harry Potter flicks.  They picked 3 perfect kids (+ all their schoolmates) that had to rise to the challenge of not aging awkwardly or develop into awful actors, as many kids II (wo)men often do (is it any wonder why Fred Savage is behind the camera now???), over the course of 7 movies.  Mission beyond accomplished!!! Same cannot be said of the youngest Pevensie kids of da chronicly Chronicles, Edmund (Skandar Keynes, still one of the bestestest names ever) and Lucy (Georgie Henley).  They were rightfully green behind the earish in Narnia 1, and when they returned in #2, you could start to see signs that maybe them two weren’t really the chosen ones than Arslan should have chosen to carry the torch

Tuff tooties, cause Narnia 3 is virtually Peter (the DASHING William Moseley) & Susan (poppy Anna Popplewell)-free, and so we’re basically stuck sailing the high seas with Ed & Lu and the blandish Prince Caspy (Ben Barnes, who’s hactually a lil less bland in this one).  Sounds like a straight-up snoozefest, no?  WRONG!  If you’ve made it thru 2 Narnias, you should keep on trucking along with the third one, cause it’s still damn fun (with all dem damn Christian allegories!!) and that’s all that really matters, no?  And unlike in Potterville, at least these kids get to travel and do stuff all of the time, and not juss sit around and learn spells that want to put us to sleep!  Plus there are so many nifty & enchanted islands they explore and the Pevensie kids’ unwilling traveling companion/cousin Eustace (prickish Will Poulter, from Son of Rambow) is certainly no bore and watching Bruce Spence do anything is never a chore and this shiz is Narnia lore!!!!  And it’s also the last book/movie with Ed & Lu!!!!!!!!!!!  Also, the special effects are pretty awesome.  Also, YOUR MOTHER.  Also, your mother is not Melissa Leo

Get Bent!!: for Laura Brent. co-star Liam Arslan Neeson did!!!

c’mon Liam, no love for Melissa Leo?

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Narnia 3 is the magic # this Friday at a theater near jews AND Christians!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

is it 2011 yet?

or maybe juss January 2011?

bless you Daniela Hottyuchová, you fast Slow-vak!!

Black Swan
Perfection Has It’s Price
AND THE PRICE IS BEYOND AWESOMESZEZZ!!!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

In the race for American cinema auteur awesomeness, there’s Darren Aronofsky and Ben Affleck David Fincher, and (although Christopher Nolan’s got skillz) that’s it!!!!!!!  It’s a battle we hope that never ends, as the two continually bring it HARDCORE film after film… with a couple minor, yet very inspired eggceptions.  In Finchy’s case, it’s Benjamin Snoozefest and for DA, it’s his budget-restricted messy mess that is The Fountain.  One sorta miss is nothing compared to the 4 unforgettable dynamite productions under his belt.  His latest, Black Swan is that forth flick and it is nothing short of WOWEE ZOWEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s as manic as Requiem, as mystical as Ï€, and as go for broken as The Wrestler.  Black Swan is essentially the same movie as The Wrestler (ending included????), but with a ♀ doin all the abusing to her body for the profession that owns her life – BALLETING!!!!!

And in the race for the White Swan AND Black Swan dual role in Swan Lake in the duality dualtastic Black Swan are three beautiful ballerina brunettes that no man, woman or child would kick out of bed, even if that bed was made of nails and horse poop: Natalie Portman, Mila Kunis and Winona Ryder.  Hard Ryder is yesterday’s forgotten news (but in our world’s SHE’S EVERYDAY NEWS CAUSE WE LOVE HER MORE THAN WE LOVE FRIED CHICKEN), Porcelain Portman is today’s shaken AND stirred edition, and kool-eyed kool-whipped Kunis is all tomorrow’s party.  Add worn-in faced Barbara Hershey as Natalie’s ‘no wire hangers‘/‘they’re all going to laugh at you‘ mum and vicious Vincent ‘married to Monica Belluci’ Cassel as the ringmaster of this black & white with a splash of red crazytownedness circus, and what you’ve got is the f$%king looniest screen trip we’ve adored and been horrified by since Jacob’s Ladder

Swan also gots crotch grabs, crotch grabbing, groping, Mila Kunis’ eyes, Portman’s toenails, Portman’s fingernails, Portman fingering herself, and some of the fiercest acting performances put to celluloid (will we no longer use that word when shiz all goes 100% digital projection?) in 2010 (Portman will win the Oscar, but wee is totes on team Jarvis, and Cassel deserves to win the Supporting one).  Did we have you had ‘crotch grab’?  You should have been had at ‘Aronofsky’

Toidfact: Darren’s father Abraham Aronofsky has appeared in all 5 of his feature films

We’d Dive For This Swan!!:  normal name, above normal hotness…

Janet Montgomery!!!!  although Janet, explain this!!!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show times like 83838!!!!

Swan is currently laking its chops in limited release!!

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

remember Sea Gal Tessa, who’s been on TWS’ radar & junk ever since 2007?

well, even though she is quite the cheery leader of cheerleading that has 5ever captured our hearts and farts, we now feel a lil bit bad about objectifying her and her wicked bod.  why????  wellsie, her high school sweetheart died of cancer and she joined the Sea Gals squad to honor him.  YIKESSIES!!!!!!  if only she weren’t so fly (like a Sea Gal), then none of this would make we feel so guilty!

all mcnabbed from John McNab’s photostream