Gangster Squad
The Un-Untouchables
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 113 min

Gangster Squad is gangster garbage… that looks nice.  Hate to say it, cause it’s so awful to say, but this movie needed more human tragedies to happen in order to keep it out of theaters.  Then again, watching Emma Stone’s eyes on a giant screen can make any terd look like a diamond

here’s how the movie went down, in gif form

Sean Penn yells and uses his fingers a lot.  He keeps saying that he owns Los Angeles, but nobody cares except for Josh Brolin’s stupid face

what Sean Penn forgot to mention is that he looks like a sh!tty cross between Dick Tracy’s Flattop & Mumbles

–

enter Emma Stone, who is SMOKING

HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

–

the LAPD be like we need to stop Sean Penn so we need a squad – A GANGSTER SQUAD!!!

throw me a shotgun, cause that’s what gangster squads do!!

–

but how are they gonna stop Sean Penn when he so angry about how bad his fake nose looks?!?!?!

and why did he need a fake nose? his normal nose is good enuff to be a bad nose

–

and he so pissed that Emma & Ryan are gosling

but America would have Stone-Gosling love in every movie if Hollywood would only give it to us in every movie. GIVE IT TO US HOLLYWÃœRST!!!

–

man, Sean Penn is SOOOOO pissed cause the movie’s script is so AWFULLLLLLLLLLL

lines like ‘I’m a cop, and I carry a badge, and I serve AND protect, and {insert clunky generic 40s cop talk here}‘

–

Gangster Squad sure has their work cut out for them

better throw me some more shotguns to stop angry Penn!!!

–

although you cannot stop angry Sean Penn, you can only hope to contain him

but how do you stop this movie?

–

but please never stop Emma Stone being Emma Stone

every man on earth would fcuk her. even gay dudes would

–

if that recap made zero sense, that’s what it’s like watching this movie.  The guy who wrote the screenplay is also penning the plays of screen for Lethal Weapon 5, The Justice League + the Logan’s Run remake. heaven AND hell help us.  someone needs to gangster squad his writing hands!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Gangster Squad is currently the angriest Sean Penn movie at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Not Fade Away
Don’t Put Another Quarter In The Jukebox Baby
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 112 min

Remember how the last few seasons of The Sopranos seemed to be nothing but the characters sitting at home watching TV and us watching what they were watching on TV? Well, Sopranos creator David Chase does the same thing in his feature film debut, Not Fade Away, but replaces the mob with a 60s crappy cover band struggling with struggling

This is suppose to be a love letter to a time and a place and its music, and it looks and sounds nice and all, but it’s more like a plain ole letter that has a bunch of pointless paragraphs.  But the movie isn’t a letter, it’s a movie, and it’s actually not much of anything, except a collection of scenes – scenes that fall into one of 3 categories –

1) band practice

2) the dorkable lead singer tries to score with Bella Heathcote (who WOULDN’T try that??)

3) the dorkable lead singer gets into a verbal spat with his dad James Gandolfini

The movie is basically like 1), then 2), then 3) then 1) then more 1) then maybe like 3) followed by two 2)s and then more 1) cause it makes perfect, but 3) thinks yer life is a giant waste so he needs to yell at you again, but maybe I can get some sympathy with 2), and when that’s done, it’s time to 1) 1) 1), cause if they don’t, HOW ARE THEY GOING TO MAKE IT?  

Well, in the very end, it doesn’t matter, cause the movie has an ending that’s ever worser than the ending to The Sopranos.  The lead singer’s sister appears out of nowhere on the streets of LA and says like America invented the bomb and rock n roll, but only one will last forever and then she dances or something and the movie ends.  Dreadful ending.  And all that came before it is whatever on rye why?  

The whole movie felt like a not as awesome and very much too longer version of the Wonder Years episode where Kevin helped form the high school band The Electric Shoes (the characters in NFA and WY were both inspired to start a band after seeing The Beatles on Ed Sullivan).  I’m deadly serious here folks –  NFA was EXACTLY like that Wonder Years episode, except it’s got more years, and has much less wonder

but in the end, NFA was not SO BAD, cause the movie was filled with 64% of BELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLA AND HER EYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Note Fade Away is currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

LONG LIVE THE ELECTRIC SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

‘Don’t You Want To Go Where The Rainbow Ends?‘

That, may, very, well, be, the, most, inviting, invitation, in, the, HISTORY, of, movies, EVER!,!,!,!,!  I would give up eating Popeyes & See’s Candies for life to trade places with Tom Cruise in this teeny tiny lil crazy/sexy/cool crazy/beautiful scene/gif.  If only life could be A-B repeated like this gif with super hot women that totally want to bang you in a Stanley Kubrick movie with awesome lights illuminating hotness in the foreground and things and stuff in the background!!!!!

If you’ve seen the movie, you know Tom Cruise doesn’t end up going where the rainbow ends cause he has to go upstairs and help revive Sydney Pollack’s ODed hooker whore prostitute lady friend.  we all make mistakes in life, but in movies, Tom Cruise should totally be going to where the rainbow ends AND THEN help tackle Sydney Pollack’s hooker whore prostitute issues, AND THEN return to where the rainbow ends, AND THEN make sure it NEVER ENDS!!!

and then?

oh, and btw, this is probably the first gif I ever fell in love with, circa 1999

and never 9get

Marilyn Monroe by Bert Stern, 1962

lohag who?

Donovan
New York Society For Ethical Culture
October 19th

You all pretend not to know AND care about who and what Donovan is, but you do know him AND you should care about him.  He’s Europe’s Bob Dylan, and based on how well the troubadour has held up over the years, he’s in better shape and sound than Mr Zimmerman is is.  WHY YOU SUCH A JERK DYLAN??!?!?!  Whatever, you all can have your mouth-dead Dylan messiah, and I’ll stick with Dono (he is MY Dylan), the nice guy who sings about chicks with Irish names and who goes all coo-cooing and Barabajagaling, CAUSE THAT SH!T F#&KING ROX IN A NICE GROOVY WAY, YO!!

We saw him play a sweet but short 9 song set 5 years ago, but that was merely an appy appetizer for what we were treated to the other night – 15 of his acoustic dandies + 10 of his electric jammy jams, and it was all one GIANT 2 hour+ish dandy jammy jam that was JAM DANDY REFFIC!!!  Wish it was a 9+ hrish dandy jammy jam, but he’s only human, even if we’re not.  We’re part robot, part Jewish, all bacon

Although we DO have to admit that the greatest song of all time, ‘HURDY GURDY MAN‘, didn’ts exactly live up to its full awesomeness live.  PROBABLY CAUSE IT’S JUSS TOO DANGS BEYOND AMAZINGS TO BE REPRODUCED ANYWHERE OUTSIDE OF A STUDIO!!!!!!!!

setlist

Solo Acoustic Set - The Enchanted Gypsy / Catch the Wind / To Try for the Sun / Little Tin Soldier / Josie / Ballad of Geraldine / Sunny Goodge Street / Sand and Foam / Guinevere / Lalena / I Love My Shirt / The Promise / Colours / Happiness Runs / Universal Soldier (Buffy Sainte-Marie cover)

Electric Set with band - Sunshine Superman / Jennifer Juniper / There Is a Mountain / Season of the Witch / Young Girl Blues / Riki Tiki Tavi / Barabajagal / Hurdy Gurdy Man / Mellow Yellow

Encore - Atlantis

oh, and Jill Sobule opened, and she totally f#@king roxed it, even though we had zero expectations of her doing anything of the sort.  she sang this song called “Heroes’, which is about why our heroes kinda suck, and she even mentions how Dylan was a dick to Donovan!!!  FITTING IRONY!  PUMP IT, THAT IRONY!!!