Thighs Wide Shut

Me and Earl and The Dying Girl
Me Hurl and The Dying For This Movie To End
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 104 min

I don’t even know exactly how to sum up how much I didn’t like (and basically HATTTTTTTTTTTTTED) this movie, and I really don’t have to bother since David Edelstein somehow captured my thoughts exactly, but…

if you are looking for a crappier version of…

The Fault in Our Stars

but less romantic

that focuses on one of THE most annoying and non-interesting teenage protagonists I’ve encountered in a while (this is not actually him)

who is forced by his mom to hang out with that super adorable girl from Bates Motel, who has nothing to do in the movie cept have big eyes, and eventually shave her head cause she has cancer

and our annoying teen boy gets by in his dweeby high school life with his quirky black friend (think Urkel, but not really.  I juss wanted to post a gif of Urkel)

and together they re-make movies in a way that’s somehow dumber then the ultra-dumb Be Kind Rewind

and the whole movie feels like the 193482382th Wes Anderson Rushmore rip-off you’ve ever seen

and the movie feels like one giant cancer guilt trip, that isn’t worth taking

and for some reason Nick Offerman is in it, and he’s basically as exciting as the grumpy looking cats he looks like

and if I don’t have anything nice to say, too bad, cause I already said it, but don’t see this movie cause it sucks, besides MAYBE the last last 5 minutes, but getting to that last five minutes is pointless torture, but I will say something nice – the Pittsburgh-regional locations for the movie were AWESOME!  Especially the high school they used!

Verdictgo: f this movie, so Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Him, Earl and Toe Jam zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzes you in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Project X
X Marks The Spot, OF FUN!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 88 min

Ever seen Can’t Hardly Wait?  Hopefully not, but if you did, Nima Nourizadeh‘s Project X is like Can’t Hardly Wait, cept it’s awesome and has hactual bare boobs, and gnomes, and fire, and water, and water on boobs, but not fire on boobs, and dorks we sorta care about (Thomas Mann, Oliver Cooper and Jonathan Daniel Brown, who is our new hero.  Not only did he go on a fake date with Whitney Port, but he also played a fake nerd in a porn [watch NSFNess]!!!).  And it’s got stuff, and fun, and a dog, and a midget, and a moon bounce, and it will remind you why high school was so awesome and how America’s got teen spirit like no other country, and did we mention watery boobs yet?

Kirby Your Enthusiasm Galore: Kirby Bliss Blanton & Nichole Bloom is be OK and all, but we’d prefer to invite these girls to our pants party…

Anna Sophia Berglund

Alexis Knapp aka Alexis Merizalde

this woulda been an endless list of hotties, cept 98% of them party goers aren’t listed on IMDb

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

also, we forgot to review…

Chronicle
With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility Fun!!!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 84 min

This movie is similar to Project X – three unknownish actors (although you totes know who Dane DeHaan is if you were a fan of In Treatment) battle endless hand-held camera action, and a budget the size of your penis.  Also, like X, it’s awesome, and does more with less than you do with your tiny penis.  But these three cats aint just party animals, theys gots super super powers and it’s more super powerful than anything goings on in one of those other big budget superhero movies we’ve seen in like the past like 5 years like.  like 9reals yo!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

X + Chron are currently awesome at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

oh, and a special shout out to Brady Hender and Nick Nervies, who deserve there own Project X spin-off, Project XI

make it happen Hollywürst!!!