Thighs Wide Shut

– Look who’s pairing up: Ali G and Shaggy (again?), James Spader & William Shatner (together at last), and Marion Barry and politics (again? dude loves it more than crack and ho-bags) [via Fleaski again]. If only we can get Charo and Flava Flav to live under one roof… oh wait, that’s already happening. Best combos ever? Some say nacho cheese, others, Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron, or turkey wrapped in bacon, Arm & Hammer, Deloitte, Touche & Tohmatsu, A&W, mortar & pestle, or even Ludivine Sagnier and being nekkid (NSFW).

– Where the funk are all these NY ‘cuddle parties‘ taking place? And how come the Thigh Master is getting cut out of the loop? Isn’t the house password ‘fidelio’? [via Flea]

– “Fancy” Ketchup explained!!

– The NY Times and Daily News get premature ejact for Lebowski Fest NY. And is it me or is fest co-founder Will me and Lohan’s long lost brother (note the sunglasses)?

– Franz Ferdie, aka, the Archdukes, add a 2nd Roseland show. Pixies’ December Hammerstein shows presale begins Thursday. And the mighty Supergrass jaunt to our shores for a six-pack of shows. All shows should be more killer than Lizzie Borden.

– Nader, yer campaign slogan should be Unsafe At Any Speed. Go drive a Chevrolet Corvair far away from this election. Thanks. This message paid for by Americans who actually want votes to count for something.

– Can you name all 53 states? Who we missing here? East Carolina, Texas II, and New Canada?

– TATU are no longer lesbians, just rabid smoke haters.

– Skins win preseason opener, lose #1 Dirtbag Jansen, and make me salivate for more. Sean Taylor looked good enuff to make me say Champ who?

– Please watch this video clip of Andy Rooney driving a tiny car: Real Media or Windows Media. At his age, he should be driving one of those mini Shriner cars.

– Peace the f%$k out to King Kong’s ho-bag Fay Wray. Damn, I was going to set her 96-year-old booty up with Andy Rooney and his fly-a$$ car.

– Larry Carlson’s site, best viewed on peyote.

– I think I’m going to get over my fear of a weight rooms and try for the 2008 Olympics. Especially since my meals would consist of massive cheeseburgers, Bugels and cookies. [via Brawny Man]

– The CD I cunt stop listening too is The Fiery Furnaces’ Blueberry Boat. It’s like a slab of PJ Harvey, wrapped in Radiohead lettuce, topped with a dollop of the Clockwork Orange soundtrack.

You are now entering the penis zone:

– Protect your largest organ. [via Navi]

– Major props de leon haves got to go out to my girl Charges, the engineer of the eggsalad Rollertrain, who sent me a lb of porn, and one of the sweetest letters I’ve received in a long time. Can’t wait to czech out such slutty titles as Swallopalooza and the instant classic, Sweet Ho Alabama.

– And is cutting off your penis ever a good idea? Even if yer a 70-year-old Moroccan who’s wife refused to bang you for a longs thyme.

Wham!

– It’s official, The Sopranos are back from the dead. Or more like back with the dead. Finally, something actually happened on the show and I’m not talking about some fat dude getting head in a parking lot. I kept pleading for more whackings per episode, but my confidant Dicky Greenleaf/Mr. Pibbums told me that’s not what the show is about. Me was like, me don’t care, more whackings!! They’re in the mob. Mob = whackings, end of f-in story. Well, the writers stashed away their Annette Bening/horse fetishes and got back to the whacking!! And as eggspected, the family whacked-a-mole, who’s name be Adrianna. Don’t worry folks, she’s going to be reincarnated as Joey’s sister on the Friends spin-off. With this and last week’s whacking of Sherry Palmer on 24 I haven’t seen something this shocking, this lurid on television, since the series premiere of The Mullets on UPN. With one episode left, all hell is about to break loose like a girl turning 16. Too bad season numero seis doesn’t air until 2006!! By then Lindsay Lohan will be turning 20, the major awards will be handed out the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Berlin, and Greece still won’t be ready for the 2004 Summer Games.

– The word vulva.

– The Streets’ new album, A Grand Don’t Come for Free, is mos def worth picking up. Normally you’d think that 50 minutes of a guy just talking about fish and chips and getting ripped wouldn’t be all that amusing, but some how Mike Skinner pulls it off. What was known as “spoken word” has now become “blogging over phat beats”.

– Ponch still cares about highway safety! And what have you done for me lately Larry Wilcox?

– For 16 days in February ’05, Reichstag wrapper, and MC, Christo and his bizatch, Jeanne-Claude, will be bringing their long gestating dream art project to Central Park. 7,500 Gates, 16 feet high each, will be built and follow the edges of 23 miles of footpaths. If yer Wes Craven for mo information about this massive undertaking, I’d suggest you head on over to the best art museum this side of the globe, The Met.

– This guy also enjoys hot chicks, but he happens to have more time on his hands then me.

– Props to Marty Score and his The Last Temptation of (the) Christ. It wasn’t as well directed as Mel Gibson’s overblown snuff film, but he did let Jesus rock out with his coccyx out and bang a hooker… no seriously, and he even had children and broke-danced for shekels! Le only down side to the movie was what me and Wannamaker dubbed, one of the worst casting decisions ever: Harvey Keitel as Judas.

– I’m an Airhead and you will be one too after checking out the French duo’s KCRW session on LA. F-in mint.

– Napoleon Dynamite is the breast comedy I have seen since The Big Lebowski and Rushmore. It is that good. I took in my second free screening on Sunday and I intend to attend a 3rd.

For those of you non-believers, I urge you to go. I’m going to urge overkill you so much that I’m even offering up 5 free passes (that’ll admit two each) to a NY screening on Thursday, June 10th. Be one of the first 5 to email me and the passes are yers. And if you don’t like it, the Thigh Master will give you yer money back… And remember, a vote for Pedro is a vote for your wildest dreams!

– Waste yer time with this suckers.

– First there was You’re The Man Now Dog, now there’s this Milton Waddamsism. [Link via Shady Harry’s Son]

Bam!

– Wanna buy a used Arnold Schwarzenegger cough drop? Too late. Now get yer ass to Mars.

– Puff Daddy cares. No, he really does. My girl the Garvester weighs in on his politcal ambitions.

– Have you seen the new GI Joe Spy Troops cartoon movie yet? Don’t. Unless of course you don’t want to save whatever’s left of your precious childhood memories that George Lucas and his new Star Warses haven’t already urinated on. It looks like 3rd-rate Pixar animation meets The Lawnmower Man‘s long outdated virtual reality.

– For some odd reason, I was drawn back into The Whitney to get one last bad look at their forgettable Biennial. No change in opinion. Modern art can lick my chode. Note to Whitney: drop the pretentious crap and photos of guys’ shlongs and buy some more Edward Hoppers! Hop to it.

– I saw all of about 12 minutes of something with a Philip Glass score called Naqoyqatsi. I felt like I was walking through The Whitney again. My eyes can only take so much Clockwork Orange style torture. I was cured alright.

– So if there’s a 3-D church online, when’s the first synagogue being posted? I always need an eggcuse to eat virtual pigs in a blanket and rock out to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge or “Celebration” by Kool And The Gang.

Thank You Cannes!

– The French gave us the Statue of Liberty and a kind of toast. They also handed out the prestigious Palme d’Or (aka, the top prize) of the Cannes Film Festival to Michael Moore for his revealing documentary about the Bushes, Fahrenheit 9/11. I wonder if he’ll have trouble finding a US distributor now. Czech out Ebert’s report of the festivities here.

It’s quite hard to pinpoint when my obsession with Lindsay Lohan began. I never caught her stint on Another World or peeped her double take in the Parent Trap remake. But she was only a tot, not 17, going on legal. I guess my LL infatuation was born out of my weakness for body-switching movies (Vice Versa, Like Father, Like Son, et al). That’s what dragged me and my LL accomplice, Megbot, to the theaters to see Freaky Friday. I was not blown away by the witty dialog, but by the precocious (my favorite word) girl who swapped bodies with Jamie Lee Curtis (lettuce not even explore the whole hermaphrodite thing peoples!). I was awestrucked, moonstrucked, thunderstruck, and monstertrucked by her uber-awesomeness. As I walked out of the theater, I knew my life had changed forever. Too bad that my epiphany occurred BTME (Before Thigh Master Era). The very first mention of LL on this site was in the first ever Box Office Bidness report. I had claimed that Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was the “Best Lindsay Lohan movie of 2004”. Well, that statement isn’t true anymore cause Mean Girls is the best Lindsay Lohan movie EVER. Forever ever? Well, it’s mos def no Citizen Kane, but its mos certainly not Raising Cain.

I would have seen it opening day, camped out even, but partying like a rockstar in the desert took precedence. I was still a walking zombie after all the funnel cake dust settled, but nothing was going to stop my destiny of seeing this movie. I assembled a so shady crew of 6 (including myself) to see this wet dream on screen. Two of the posse, Megbot and Kid Kadoji, dropped out due to being a bunch of ninnies. That left yer humble Thigh Master, the Pak-Man, Levitticus, and The Thinker to be a bunch of perverts. This flick turned out to be part one of my “Night That Will Live In Infamous“. It was also the same very night as the Friends series finale. Like I give massive-two-shits whether or not Chandler ends up owning a Starbucks, or if Rachel falls in love with an amoeba, or Ross fulfilling his dream of meeting a black person on the show. With this must see TV event on, that left the theater virtually empty. Gawd bless the death of the modern sitcom! Note: The Thigh Master is hella ghetro and never pays for treats at the movies. I go to a CVS or a Rite Aid beforehand and load up on Milk Duds, Twiz-nizzlers, and a huge bottle o’ water. For this movie, I was triple-prepared. I bought along some Lubriderm, Kleenex, condoms, sunglasses, and a raincoat.

Before the picture started, we were treated to a slew of horrid movie previews. They were so un-um-credible that they deserved their own posting. Anywho, on with the show!!

I’m a little bit biased here cause I love Lohan more than I love my lefthand, but Mean Girls is a MUSS C MOVIE. I aint margo kidding here folks!!! This is the first movie that perfectly employs LL’s monster acting chops, comic timing, and bodacious body all into one nice package. If you want to know the plot, go see the movie. All you need to know is that this movie ROCKS, even more than LL’s website. And it’s not just LL’s hot bod on display here. We got the hot chick from The Hot Chick, that lil girl from Party of Five that aint so little any mo, and some ditzy blonde newcumer. With my pants around my ankles for much of the flick, it was rather hard to reach for the Kleenex AND the Milk Duds at the same time. So little time, so much on my mind and so much in my hands. Eeeeeesh, I’m started to scare meself.

This is one of the best teen movies in a long-ass time. And I’ve seen a boat load of em. It was a realistic take on high school life. Not some candy-coated crap on a stick like Rachel Leigh Cook turning from an “ugly nerdy girl” to Freddieeddeee Prinnznzze Jr’s dreamgirl in She’s All That. SNL is an hour and a 1/2 of Clockwork Orange torture, but Tina Fey’s script shined. It shined so much that even the hopeless Tim Meadows rocked! That is the first time I have ever made that statement. This is Tim Meadows we’re talking bout for crying out loud!!! The supporting cast was fantabulous and the costume changes were to die for. The only real negative aspect of the entire film was when lots of water gots dumped on the girls and the director didn’t allot enuff wet t-shirt screen time… unlike Kirsten Yum in Spidey 1. Enuff of this review. Just go see this movie NOW. And if my review wasn’t enuff to get the masses off der assesses, then maybe these pictures will convince you:

Lohan reading,

so f-in HOT

Lettuce kiss &

wear make-up

Want to touch

my wood?

With a rebel yell I cried,

“Lo, Lo, Lohan!”

How do I transfer

to this school?

LL is so naughty,

yet so nice

I wanna get my Santa paws

all over these liz-adies