Thighs Wide Shut

• Gotta love the geniusessez behind Superman Returns. First off, they dissed Tom Welling (the world’s greatest living actor) and cast Brandon Rououththuouth to play the Man of Steel. Secondlee, they hired Kevin Spacey to play Lex Luthor. That’s about a great a call as sitting thru 6 consecutive watchings of his Beyond The Sea while having spiders poop tunafish juice into your mouth. And third and finalee, they went with Kate BOOsworth, instead of Cuthbest, to be their Lois LAME. I guess the one good thing to come out of this is to reveal to all how FOOOgly Kate truly is. Look at this pic. She makes Margot Kidder look like Nicole Kidman humping Kid Icarus (bee leave me, that’s HOT, like Pat O’Brien HOT). Anywho, if yer eggcited for the new flick, unlike yours surly, peep out these two booty-arsed vids from the Superman Returns set. [pic via Double Vikes]

• Speaking of… wanna see me AND Cuthsplurt in the flesh @ the same place @ the same time? Get yer tickets abs to the SPECIAL SCREENING of House of Wax, aka HOUSE OF A$$, at the Try-Beck Film Fest ASAP!

• What the fork is going on with CP’s SummerStage this year? They haven’t updated their site, yet they have already mcnabbed Kelly Clarkson, The Killers, Death Cab for Cutie, and many mo. [via B-lynn V-gn & Let The Good Times Tootsie Roll]

• Happy 21st HFutureRT The III(?) [NSFW]

• What could possib-drew-bly be wurser than any scene in Episode III? The deleted ones.

• First the Archdukes, and now the Kaiser Chiefs’ blab about their next album bein’ Dylanesque? I wonder if they’ll both thank Jesus, or would that be too unoriginal?

• Cookie Monster advocates healthy eating? That doesn’t sound like the blue maniac we all know and adore. I bet this wasn’t his idea, but the dude who has his hand shoved up his a$$! [via Barrister Bill]

• Rooney gets all papal with the papers, the papers!

• Boo

• Cold Duff

• Lesley Ann Warren, 112 years old and I still heart you! Is there a way I can pay you to laught that laff of yours into my ear for days on end?

• DCers, BOSers, NYCers, and CHIers: see The Usual Suspects, as always, fo free.

• What will u look like in 40 years?

• Playing with nipples is fun! [NSFW via Brawny Man]

• Never truss a man with a mustache. But always feel free to enjoy one rockin out in the woods with Native American dancers. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Watch Napoleon D dance in 1s & 0s (or is it Xs & #s?)! [best viewed in IE via Baby Bullster]

• Draw a pig and learn about yoself. [via G-Mask]

• And I muss say, I juss completed one dem weekends that was as letter purrfect as a purloined letter. Not only was Curious George’s mum in town to turn my frown upside down, but so was the illustrious and lustrious Trent. Our meeting was ALMOST as monumental as when the Beatles & Elvis hooked up in ’65. The dude effin rox, like I even needed to mention it. There was so much happening and leg humpining that I’m sirprized my eyes and legs are still intact. Me repeated last Sunday on Saturday (Basquiat/Junior’s food coma, a muss deadly duo), also hit up the Arbuszz & the importance of being Max Ernst-awesomeness at the Metski, was bedazzled by my gal Ostrow’s and many others’ works at Hunter College’s MFA open studios, foam-a-ed at the mouth whilst walkin thru the MoMA, and gave some love to Larry Clark @ the IPC, which reminded me how forking hotingy Chloe Smellingny use to be. Think it ends there? Nope. Shaved the fu-manchu and gots my moose hoose on with the Fiery Furnaces for the second time in 3 nights. The Webster Hall show kicked the ba-liztex outta Thighsday’s show at N6. If I could marry a band, I would marry them.

Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, the real treat to all the tricks I turned, was frynally seeing one of my alls times flavorite movies on the big screen: A Clockwork Orange, as a part of Landmark Sunshine‘s midnight series. Wowski! I appreciated this viewing so much more than the 328478 other times I viddyed it welled. Now I want to see every beloveded movie from my past in theaters (yes, even Leonard Part 6). You should have seen how huge the smile on my face was (cept the rape and the eye clamp shiz). It was juss so stankin cool to be in a large room with a bunch of other random people, laughing and govoreeting at Mr. Deltoid bangkoking dear Alex and saying ‘m’yes’ over and over. Did I mention how much I loves me them crizz-azy arsed lightbulbs that everyone has in their Clockwork homes? And did anyone know that the nekkid lady furniture from the Korova Milkbar was inspired by artist Allen Jones’ work? I’d buy that for dollar! Or this car.

Aight kiddies, I’m off for a brief, albeit well needed, jaunt to the Old Country + Pannekoekenland. In the meantime, there will be no guest bloggers, so you’ll either have to sift thru dem Thighs Wide Archives or visit one of our many comrades until Twosday. And if I play my cards right, hopefully I’ll be able to cross Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange off my list of things I need. Viddy well my droogan brothers.

– I’m dropping Photoshop Phriday from the Friday bag of fun until they return to greatness.

Anywho, on with the other crap!!!

– James Bond to be played by a black man? Now what if Shaft was played by a white guy?

– Much to do about me flavorite band of the year, Los Fiery Furnaces: On January 11th they’ll release EP, a ten-track compilation of U.K. singles (YUM!), they’re also finishing off their next joint, a collaboration with their bubbe (grandmother for yous not in the know) called Garfield El (double YUM!), which may end up on a double-CD release this May with another joint, Speaking Chinese (Yummyyummigans!!!)!! [via Rolling Broke]

– The Pixies just announced their first prim and proper Boston date on their massive world tour: next Thursday, December 9 at the Avalon. I’m sure the home crowd appreciates the short notice. The band hasn’t played BoSoxLand since they opened for U2 in ’92! Tickets go on sale this Saturday at noon on PixiesMusic.com and Ticketbastard.

– K-nowl-ledge thyme: Did Vikings really have horns on their helmets? And twat the fork is a Nittany, a Hoosier, and a Sooner? [last 3 via Ask Yizzle]

– Lisa Simpson wanted to marry a carrot. Well I want to marry The O.C. cause tit be the finestestestest show on the Fox network featuring Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows. If life were truly good, eBay would stop offering lunch with has-beens and start selling a night between a Mischa Barton/Kelly Rowan sangwhich! [via The Gum/The Fid]

– Pick your nose and be proud like these people. [via Z to the mudder stickin de la Roachclip]

– Metal chick seeks metal men who love to party.

– Pee-Mail. Hopefully you won’t be too pissed off…

– Bid on The Sports Almanac and Oh LaLa magazine from Back to the Future Part II or a bust of that fat and short creepy lady from Poltergeist. [via Navi the Blue Devil In A Blue Dress]

– If only this car commercial featuring a Transformerish car were fo real. [via Becker’s Pecker]

– Latkepalooza. [via The Brawny Man]

– I think I have a phobia of men dressed as le nasty women in music videos. It all started in my youths when I first peeped that dude dressed like a chick who placed produce up her skirt from Jane’s Addiction’s ‘Been Caught Stealin’ video. Just thinking about that he-she-man always made me feel sick in a Clockwork Orange type way. And after observing this guy dressed up like a skanky ole scroongamunga from the Hidden Cameras’ video for ‘I Believe In The Good Of Life’, methinks me scarred for life.

– And in closing, this has gots to be the greatestist site dedicated to a bearded man’s eggsperance with cosmetic braces!!! [via Sanguine Fruit Chews]

– Jack White was the coolest of the cool, until he started dating Puffer Fish McNasty, aka Renee Suckwager. Well, the man just got back his credibility as the two have gone splittsville. No one knows why, but I heard its cause Renee’s cheeks couldn’t hold all of Jack’s pearly white magic goo after a BJ. Honestly, Jack should just start boning his sister/ex-wife and the world will be a better place.

– So it looks like Gawker Media is the new Judaism. Why? Well with the launch of three new sites (one about stuff that moves, one about games people play, and one about crap in general) they’re only months away from controlling the media. Hey Nick, when yer ready to hit me up wit a lifetime supply of Starbursts and a roller coaster in my apt, I’m your man for the launch of Thighland: the first blog dedicated to all things thighs. [Note: I’m Jewish. As Jewish as a Bacon Crab Cheeseburger.]

– Jude Law engaged? I may have fully commit myself to women 1nce again. And did you know that Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are getting hitched too? Who know they were even an item?

– Don’t be one of those guys who makes their own Ghostbuster proton pack this Halloween, when you can own the real thing. [via Navi]

– 2009 is already turning out to be the hottiest year ever. Conan’s taking over for Lame Leno and the Simpsons may call it quits then.

– The Q Awards were handed out and The Streets walked away empty handed, while Franz Federline mcnabbed only one. Does this signal an end to good music and a return to boy bands? Jordan Knight, stand by your phone.

– Squirrel Fishing. This can’t be legal, eggcept in countries where cocks fight.

– What do you get when you pass out drunk and that hot girl from MisShapes sits on yer face? This! (sorry if you’ve seen it before) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Dilbert: The House. Someone please explain.

– Get Carter, not the version with Stallone and Rachel Leigh Cooked to purrfection, was voted breast British film of all-time. Who votes in these polls, blind people? C’mon, you mean to tell me that From Russia With Love is butter than A Clockwork Orange? Kubrick is beating and raping himself in his grave.

– So where do you put yer money in this pair o’ Levi’s? If I have to get inventive, I’ll juss stuff some single dolla bills down the front depository. [via Willie Bragg]

Tickets Peas

– The Pixies has announced the final final final two shows on yer woolly mammoth North American tour: Saturday, December 18th (one at 7 and one at Midnight) @ Hammerstein Ballroom. The 7 show first is with Mike Watt & the Secondmen opening, and the Midnight show is with Kristin Hersh & the 50 Foot Wave opening. Tickets for both shows will go on sale Friday, October 8th through Ticketbastard.

– The Hives will be bring their megalomania to Webster Hall on November 20. Pre-sale on now (password: ‘idiot’) and general sale starts Wed @ noon.

– Jet & The Donnas are playing K-Rock’s Big Hairy Halloween Ball Rocktober 29 @ The Supper Club. Pre-sale starts Thursday. Password is ‘Booker’

And yer two stoopidiest headlines are:

– Vibrator Shuts Down Australian Airport

– Romanian Mistakenly Cuts Off Penis, Dog Eats It [via My Man Marvkus]

– C-3PO sez peace the fork out, Mark Hamill waxes about an upcoming Star Wars TV show(?) and Episodes 7-9, while George Puke-cas poo-poos any notion of further trips to a galaxy far far away. Thanks GAWDs! But if you really want yer blood to boil, czech out the changes made to the original trilogy, which is released on DVD next Tuesday. [2nd link via Navi el Terrible]

– The Marlins set aside some tix for Steve Bartman at Wrigley. Speaking of the Bartman, where the frig is he? Supposedly he still lives in the western burbs of Chi-Town, after his petition for a job transfer to London never materialized.

– [via OneGooodeMove]

– Lettuce take a qwik trip around the blogosphere. Here be the breast blog names I’ve come across recently, Remember the Whalers and Donkey Boners and Other Debauchery. This may be old, but read the (peerless) priceless comments left for poser site, Whatevs.Blogspot.com. And can someone peas eggplain what this blog is all about? [last via The Whine Colored Sea]

– De La Soul enlist the help of Ghostface, Flavor Flav, and Common on their latest, Grind Date, which drops Rocktober 5th. Speaking of Flav, if you haven’t been czeching out season 3 of The Surreal Life, you haven’t truly lived. So f-in mint!

– I’ve heard so much goodness over the past year about the flick The American Astronaut that I’m slap happy it’s finally going to play in a real movie theater. [via OuttaFocuszz]

– Engadget revisit the head clamp from A Clockwork Orange. Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.

– , yep flaming text.

– Dougray Scott to be the next 007? At this point, they should have a different bloke play em each go around. Who doesn’t want to see Bond flicks starring Ewan Mac, Judey Law, Clive Owen, Robbie Williams, and Richard Branson!?

– Hail to Joey Gibbs and the Redskins, but not these Redskins.

– If you don’t have a brain or eyes, go see Ice Cube’s latest.

– And are you a sick sick sick sick human being? Then go ahead and click this to see the pics from Playboy’s Women of Video Games spread. Who knew that digital ladies shave their poonannys?