Thighs Wide Shut

DATS RIGHT FOLKS!!
the 2 month cow/queen
is warrick dunn
and thus
Keira Christina Knightley
be yer
Colin Fifth
Her Royal Thighness
of balls thyme
Tit all started on the set of Episode I when my mejor hombre Sio Bibble started having convulsions and wouldn’t stop saying ‘invasion’. A young girl playing Natalie Portman’s decoy came over to see what all the hot fuss was about. We locked eyes and didn’t stop starring at each other until Sio came to and started babylonning about ‘negotiations’ and some show starring William Fichtner that would eventually air a long long ways away, in a galaxy far far away. Then, George Lucas and his 17 chins kicked me off the set cause he thought I was the only one on the internets speaking negatively about him. That was the last I saw of this Winona Ryder look-a-like for a few years… until one magical day, Sio and my other most trusted advisor and comrade in cable-knit sweaters, Jimmy ‘$5’ Smits, were plotting on how to take over the world with only the use of Gotcha guns. When we realized how refarted that notion was, we started giving Sio wedgies until his balls were coming out of his mouth. We put Sio to bed, and then Jimmy turned to me and said, ‘hey, Thizzle, o’ master of Thighland and things involving Crisco, this chick with itty bitty titties has been axing about you and yer massively large cock.’ That was kinda odd to hear, hispecially since Jim-dawg was grabbing my pelvic region as he was spraying these werds from his mouth. So it was all set up and me and KK had our first date on the set of a Conan O’Brien. Odd, but then again, what me normal?

It was all a bit uncomfortable at first, since we didn’t have much in common, besides the fact that we’re both more beautiful than all the art work in the Met, AIC, and the Md’O combined. So I started asking her random questions like what she thought of ice, and Dziga Vertov’s Man With a Movie Camera, and like what it was like to have like lil cup-cake boobies, yet be hextremlee adorabltastic to the nth degree celsius. Without hesitation, she starting licking my corn, and the rest is, shall we say, herstory

And here’s the EGGSCLUSIVE first snap of when I told her that she win me, and she would not only be the ruler of my kingdom and my cockdom, but also second-in-commanded-in-chief for the army of Ong-Bak: The Thigh Warriors

May your reign be longer than my pubic hairs or books in a pubic library!!! And don’t you fret dearest Camilla, I still got my eye on you, and my thigh rubbing in yer poo!

Back to yer regularlelleyy unofficial royal bidness…

• Kazakhstan (the world’s NINTH largest country??) may sue their largest export [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• Good, cause the last thing any of us needed was Gangs of New York II

• Ms Big Bazangas gets all prudish in Hollywurst. This really isn’t important news, but I was looking for a reason to link to pics of her crazy-ass melloncollies

• For some reason, after peepin these snaps from the forthcummin Outkast flick, all I wanna do is watch Janet Jackson’s ‘Alright’ video co-starring Cab Calloway, OR take out my imaginary VHS copy of Dick Tracy and diarrhea all over it

• The Official Mascots of the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games… supposedly ‘friendlies’ is the Chinese word for uber gay flammin mascots

• Chris Kaman, center for the Los Angeles Clippers, is really really scary looking…

• Hipster Tee Shirt Generator [via the Meat Hook]

• The Krusaders, cause Christ was secretly a ninja [via Sumtang Awful]

• And I think it was about time that kids got their own version of the ’69 wife swap sex romp Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice

By the randall gay, who the fork is that mini-Sal Paolantonio touching my adopted daughter?

I drink champagne with
Nipsey Russell*

Too bad Nips won’t be
having any Moet in 5766
NIP IN PEACE!
1924-2005
Looking to get a bit Nipsey, but don’t wanna watch a brazilian hours of Gene Rayburn’s scary ass face as host of the The Match Game or Nipple’s brief 3 month stint as host of the shrill-fated Your Number’s Up? Why not hold the 1st ever Nipsey Russell Film Festival in the privacy of yer very own living room and/or fall-out shelter, featuring such hits shits as…

Meanwhile, in non-Nipsey related nipssile nippyness…

+ We bid a semi-belated peace le fork outs to writers and wrongers August ‘Mookie’ Wilson AND M. Scott Peck ‘ing order’

+ We send out big props to Abe Lincoln Town Car for proclaiming back on Rocktober the 3rd of the 1863rd year of your lord that Spanksgiving will be observed on the 4th Friday in November FO-REVER!

+ We wish America was Europe cause then Borat would be hosting our MTV Music Awards, and we’d be receivin’ 46 and 1/8 effin BEARD and MUSTACHE RIDES, from all the world champs!! [1st via Indy RePukeagain]

+ We revel in the fact that the Redskins aren’t racist, just the breastest wurstest 3-0 team mt everest and etnaiestest!

+ We are dying to own our own painting painted by Bob Ross, but perhaps one from his son Steve Ross would suffice!

+ And we needs to know if Richie Incognito is related to Guy Incognito? [via Joe E Tartar]

*borrowed genius from Chris Rock’s ‘Champagne’ [video]

Since being exiled to Thighberia, it’s been nuttin but downhillness for HFormerRTness the IIIrd. First she locked herself within the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and started playing Risk (Parker Bros stizz) with herself for 17 straight days. That might sound like a good stress reliever for a person who juss got dumped on one’s ass, but she refused to conquer any other territories besides Kamchatka, Yakutsk, and of course, her beloveded Irkutsk. When she tired of that she proceeded to watch Robin Williams bang two chicks [both NSFW] in the pseudo prequel to The Terminal, Moscow on the Hudson (which is still 91% fresh!), frame-by-frame on her 1999 Divx DVD player. After 48 hours, the machine asked her if she wanted to cough up $3.25 (92.547 Roubles) to unlock the Divx disc for another 2 days, but she was a lil short on cash since she withdrew from the China Open and thus had to figure out a new way to entertain herself. With not many options at her finger banging tips, she embarked on a massive love making fest with each of her Simpsons matryoshka (Russian nesting dolls). You poor thang, with your poon tang. Tssk, tssk, tssk, from Chicken Kiev to Irkutsk. But don’t be red scared babe, cause the Coen Bros and I have come up with a grand idea to help save your career. I give to you…

• Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor, Wilford Brimley has been endlessly trying to sew his royal quaker oats with Charlotte Church

• Another week of NFL fooball and the Skins are STILL undefeated!! The same can’t be said of my three fantasy teams, although Brian Westbrook is the new Michael Westbrook, which really isn’t saying much, but they do have the same last name, but neither of them have big bobs like Danniella Westbrook

• Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G/Borat/Bruno for u idjiots) invaded NASA, and now believes he’s being watched by the CIA. If dat’s tru, he better cease and desist from wearning juss one red shoe!

• Con-caps-ulations to homewtown hero, and dear family friend, Jeff Halpern for being named the 12th ever Capitals captain in franchise history!! Hope to see you during Rosh Hashanah, where many things are horny and blown.

• By the looks of these snaps, I’m gonna bet that Senor Spielbergo’s Munich is going to be the best eurotrash porn movie of the winter! But don’t be confused when they release it in theaters under the name München Box

• I guess 60 Minutes wants to appeal to a younger audience by replacing George Hamil-tanned Mike Wallace’s mug with hoop earring gangsta Ed Bradley as the first face of the show. Howevski, if they want to appeal to anyone in general, they should throw Dan Rather in the Hudson with all copies of Moscow on the Hudson, before Moscow on the Hudsucker Proxy gets released. Btw, how purrfect of a world is it that Andy Rooney and Kurt Vonnegut are friends?

• Why donate money to a hurricane relief fund when you can spend it more wisely on a DVD consisting of Body Count’s (Ice T’s rock n’ rap ‘Cop Killer’ crew) performance at San Bernardino’s Smoke Out Festival in 2003?!

• Losers unite for VIDEO GAMES LIVE, a full concert orchestra performing the music of Halo, Mario, Zelda, Tron, and yes, even Everquest II, whatever the funkdoobiest that is.

• And peace le Geordi LaForge out to Bond, Tommy Bond, aka Lil Rascal Tommy/Butch, aka the first live-action Jimmy Olsen….

“Jimmy Olsen’s Blues (Live)”
by the Spin Doctors
[d-lode]

The greatest sorority known to man, Catherine Omega-Mu-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur, and I hath so much in common. We both are T-Mobile whores, we both can do this with our a$$es, and we both love fellow Welshie and current Her Royal Thighness the BREASTEST, Charly Church. Zeta-Tomata hearts her so much that she’s eager to enlist her in her directorial debut of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood, which was first brought to screen back in 72. Des problem is that she’s so dang worried that leaving for LA LA land will hurt her relationship with current beau and rugby hunk Gavin Henson. Did I mention that I changed my named to Gavin and no one could touch me at Sega Genesis’ Rugby World Cup 95? I say go for it CC the IV!! Hollywurst needs more large breastest Welsh beauties. Just stay away from Michael Douglas, and Louis Farrakhan, who’s speaking at you.

• Faux-gayers t.A.T.u. will be faux-gaying it up at the UK Club G-A-Y this Saturdgay. That’s more gay that sipping Earl Gay Tea with yer pinky sticking out.

• Although she’s now #2321183thrdieth in my heart, Showerpoopa troopa has regained the #1 ranking in tennis. TALK ABOUT REBOUNDIN’!!

• In balls related news: “I love baseballs, do you love the baseballs?“

• In more Borat related news: the following bestness was released in stores yesterday. Gobble gizzile it up peeps… although I’m going the cheap route and waiting for it to match the price I set using Half.com‘s blesseded Wish List

• Back to more hairy balls situation news: Patrick Ramsey should start auctioning off his pubes on eBay cause Brunell will be named Comeback Player of the Year after the Skins go 16-0.

• In one last ball related things: I don’t know jack scalia about Tim McGraw, but his Monday Night Football halftime highlight recap country rhyme-e-shiz was the biggest lode of crap I’ve seen since this

• Andy Rooney may hates a lot of things, but the ‘browmiester surely hearts New Orleans

• SNL needs to stop adding ‘new faces‘ and needs to starts adding ‘new writers’. Or at least send Horatio Sanz packing… on Horatio Hornblower’s first ship outttttttta here

• Is it deja vu or deja boo that the day I lament briefly about Can’t Buy Me Lover Amanda Peterson (but more so about Ami DoleHOTfRUITenz) that someone goes and wonders the same dang thing? I dunno, but in Ami Dolenzerzz related stizz, I want to invent a machine that turns me into Jerry Trimble

• Lynch poo-poos any new Twin Peaks woo-whoness

• I knew Steven Loserbergh was well on his way to killing cinema (ever see Full Frontal? good, so DON’T), but this whole releasing a movie in theaters, DVD, and TV on the SAME DAY is wurstest call since Neville Chamberlain was elected Prime Minister. Peace in our time my a$$!!

• Kubie giving Jack the nod as Napoleon woulda been DYNO-MITE!

• I love Supergrass’ new ditty St Petersburg [video]. I also love that Gaz Combes and Jack Black look sorta similar with beards. And oh, I LOVE mustaches!!

• Pete Tong spankfully returns with a 2-Disc Essential Selection set soon. Trackilisting here

• One of the mos whocares editions of Then & Now

• Jeopardy! contestant searches are headed for LA (DUHVS), NYC, Tampa, Seattle, and Vancouver. Signs up here

• Clear yer calendars cause the Harlem Globetrotters are invading East Rutherford in February. A wise man once wrote, ‘When life hands you Meadowlark Lemon, make Meadowlark Lemonade‘

• Rachel McAdams High School Yearbook Photo… I bet her snap was probably the 6th mos beatoffedable one from that yearbook

• Are Renton, Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, and Begbie’s ashes really disrupting train service?

• A.C. Slater DOES Rule [via Steve Bartman Hater #6]

• Thighs Wide Open? [sorta SFW]

• Here lies the very first TWS.org Katrina-related link, and it’s amusing, not sad [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Troy’s Mixtape of Love [via Richie Richardson Loves Rice]

• And me have done some serious thinking as of late. Although I am a self-appointed ruler for life, I doubt that I’ll be able to be a Thigh Master for your kids’ kids, so I’ve decided to take on a Padawan. Sio Bibble knows that this could mean only one thing: INVASION!!

Wanta Lohan that’s 89% less Lohaggish, 72.7% more insecure, and 111% now all up on my radar screen? Try Red Eyer and Diaz nanny for a day Jayma Mays on for size.

• Wanta Fanta? [beware o sound]

• While our relationship has been colder than a Siberian Kwanzaa, things have been surely heatin up in the realm of Her Royal Thighness the IIIrd. After she finally bagged that #1 ranking, she decided to grow, but unfortch, not in the mounds category, then she held a t-shirt, told someone the time, touched her shoulder, and andy capped it all off with a graffiti tagging spree. Girl, when you gotta minute, we need to talk. I promise, this time I’ll use my mouth to lash out at you and not with my borscht belt. And will someone tell her that a mic is no replacement for His Royal Shlong. [last via Spencer For Mire]

• The mockingbird has been killed died. Boooooooooooooooooo… radley/urns.

• But Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah radley to the beginning of school libraries’ slow peace the fork outtingsages

• A leather-clad Borat invades Pammy Ander’s dogs’ wedding on a giant inflatable turtle. Where the cork are the pappanazis when we need them most?!! SEE SNAPS HERE!!!

• Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!

• The Daily Mirror‘s 3am is my mos flavorite destination for all dat hot jazz filled gossip from across the pond (hispecially in the key of C Church getting mad drunk and people ‘slamming’ her), but who the fork sticks are those three chicks (or birds, but not bitches) that write up this shizz and whose go fug yerself mugs adorn the letterhead? They look like an 8teenth rate group of Sugarbabes wannabees. Well apparently these girls have about as much credentials as Chuck E Cheese’s animatronic band. After a lil intersleuthing, I found out that Ms Callan is the only journalist granted entrance to Elton John’s annual Oscar party, Ms Hedley has about as much character as a character named Caroline Hedley in this book, and Ms Simpsons has less to say than Maggie Simpson. And although they are a greesome threesome, they’re at least 1/3 less duchebagish lookin than NYDN‘s Lllloyd Grove.

• Slipknot are not big fans of BK’s new Chicken Fries. I know how they feel, cause White Castle’s Chicken Rings scare the living daylights outta me.

• Cuthbest’s fiancé finally has something to do beside bang the hottiest things Canadaadda ever gave us

• Fluxie’s got a new tune off of the real FF’s new album

• The Entourage lost scenes, about as clever as… Entourage. Alldough, I will give them credit for employing Superfly Snuka

• Free passes to see That Dude From The State in major cities, and Phil Hoffman Goes Really Gay, Music Blah Blah Black Sheep, Spitting Pea Soup XII, and This Year’s Rushmore for us Jew Yorkers.

• Edward Scissorhands: The Dance Theatre Piece [via P-Bill]

• Take a tour of the Bates Motel

• Man Admits Lying About ‘Wonka’ Role On Résumé [via MoH]

• And spanks (or no thamks) to Pre-Raphaelite Shaolin, cause now I’m gonna have to scrap my artwork idea that I was going to use for my debut album that consists of nothing but Strawberry Alarm Clock covers. Originality may be dead, but corn is forever.

[via Weirdomusic]