Thighs Wide Shut

Yep folkies, ONE WHOLE STINKIN YEAR down the drain and what to show for it? I’m still broke, still not in command of the English language, and I’ve been livin more like Howard Hughes than Howard Hessman. And by that I mean I’m not the head of the class, or have class at all for that splatter, but more like staying indoors a lot, peeing in jars, repeating nonsense to myself, and praying that Leo DiCapitated won’t play me in my life story. I could go on and on, but maybe I’ll save that chit chatter for our Bronze/Pottery Anniversary (that’s 8th for those not in the know). Anywhozits, I combed and afro-piced my way thru the archives of this past year, and although there are a lotta dead links and missing images, I still found plenty o’ junk to keep you infotained for days. And away we blow…

Thighs Wide Herstory
• Monday, March 8th – The day when our long journey began with a single step. That first step/posting was only two sentences long, didn’t even include a link, and sadly was about a movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a retarded guy who’s purty darn retarted. I would go on to post 11 MORE ITEMS in that first day!! The second posting actually did contain a link and that dubious honor belongs to an article about ex-Redskins/crackhead Dexter Manley being released early from prison. YOU GO DEX!!! Even the name ‘Lohan’ made first rearing of it’s ugly head on that day when I took a look at that week’s Box Office Bidneszz.

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Animated Gifs of the Gawds• Hitler & his beloved watermelon • The Clapper • Kid + Cat • Woman + Treadmill • That Sweaty Sax Player From The Lost Boys • Rumsfeld & Pickle dance • Two cartoons dance • Random stuff • Seizure Salad • Morrissey • Borat, Abe & Breakdancin fools • Arn & Hammer • Fidel, Trashlee, and a dancin chick • Disney + Jizz = Jizzney • Tiffany Amber Yummyyams • Dog food and evil Bert • Man dance + Man tweak his own nipples • Yuck in a cup • Not mine, but Artestastic! • Crazy Asian and dumb White guy • It’s not moving, your eyes are playing tricks on u • Zissou • HHH • Why you no call me? • Fiery Fun-aces! • Hasselcrotch • Oh snap! • Lohan spits • I really hate Duke • Napoleon Dynamite • Behrooz • David Brent dances • Bauer need it…

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

My Muses
That Keep Me A-Mused
• The Witness/Lukas Haas

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Better Than Atari’s LynxFile Under…

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

House of Flying Daggers
or it’s original name House of Flying Dizzles
View Trailer

I never saw that Jet Li movie Hero, but I bet if you cut off pieces from that and poured it into a bowl already filled with minced Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger, you’d get something that resembles House of Flying Daggers… or perhaps House of Crouching Heroes and Flying Tigers… which could actually pass for a new attraction on Ringling Bros’ circus. Anywayzits, that’s sorta how I felt watching the Haus of Dazzling Daggers & Practical Jokes. Mos def a gorgeous film to watch, with a franztastic name, but haven’t I seen all this people flying from trees junk before? And is there some sorta shortage of Chinese actressesess under the age of 30 or does Zhang Ziyi juss get every role of hot Chinese chick that is mad hot AND can fly AND handle a sword? Wait, what the gordie le forge am I talkin’ bout? I’d pay to see any movie where Zhang Ziyi is either a) holding long shafts, b) refusing to smile, c) wearing men’s clothing, d) dick teasing all of the male characters, e) dick teasing all of the male (and lesbian) audience by only showing us her bare back, or f) starring in the movie. Ya see, Zhang Ziyi is not only one of the world’s finestestest NonUsHotties, but she’s worth the price of admission to any flick she’s in. If they ever decide to put her umcredible body on display at The Met (I guess as part of some ‘Asian Hotties’ eggzibit), my suggested donation would be ten zillion trillion dollars. And if some sushi place hired her body out and put sushi all over that there fine body, I’d build a second penis and use them both as chopsticks to take some tuna rolls… off of her tuna. She has not only stolen my money, but my heart as well. She juss may end up being the first non-white Royal Thighness. Watch yer back Cuthblurt!! Or learn how to handle a sword and fly from trees and tease men with yer back!!

Recommended for those who like: the Wright Brothers, Vermont foliage, and flying dizzles.

Unsatisfied with this? Watch the damn Kikkoman thingie.

Proof
Not At All Formulaic
No Trailer Available @ Press Time

Lucky is me who got to see such an early screening of this flick so no other critics’ reviews can influence my opinion. Why? Cause there are no reviews! Snot only dat, but there isn’t even an American release date set yet… unless you count Argentina as part of America. OK, enuff about how cool I am (mucho gra$$y-a$$ to Big Bad Bogsly), and lettuce break out our red pens and grade this math test movie. This movie has Oscar glory written all over it, based on the cast and crew. It’s directed by John Madden (of Shakespeare in Love fame, not MNF) and is based on the hit play by David Auburn about a genius mathematician (Hannibal Lecter) who starts to lose it in his old age. He’s taken care of by his daughter (Apple Martin’s mum, bird-neck Paltrow) who in turn shares some of her father’s traits: being brizz-ainy/crizz-zazzy. When the old man dies, Paltrow’s sister (the EVER succulent Hope Davis) comes to town to whisk her away before she follows in papa’s footsteps to the loony bin. Also, one of Hannibal’s former students (Donnie Darko) starts digging thru his papers (the papers) in search of some Holy Grail of mathematics (or as British people call it, ‘maths’). Paltrow lets her guard down (as well as her panties) to Darko (maybe cause he loves bunnies so much… so don’t u dare call this movie Rabbit-Proof Fence) and reveals to him a mathematical proof that could change the world. STEP OFF PYTHAGORAS!! Too bad Hope & Darko don’t bee leave her for a second that she could’ve come up with it and attribute the work to the late and great Dr Lecter instead. The rest of the movie deals with proving the proof. IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME SORT OF PROOF!! Oh the drama!! Seriously, who woulda thunk that a play/movie about math could be so engaging? It’s hard not to be when the cast is as stellar as a bottle of Stella Artois. And unlike some plays that made the jump to the big screen, it doesn’t come off as being too stagy. Supposedly this movie could have been released this past December as Oscar bait, but Mirabest held it back. I don’t know what will be (or has been) retooled, but come next year Gwenie and David Auburn (scriptness) could be blessed with Oscar noms. And the formula works for me: Paltrow + Hope Davis divided by Darko = A Muss Sea.

Recommended for those who like: O’Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko’s eyebrows and facial hair.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.

Rory O’Shea Was Here
Hot Wheels
View Trailer

This movie was begging for me to see it. First of all, I saw the trailer 2,31475,1,6472 times in the theater, and plus it looked like a guaranteed tear-jerker, which as you all have learned, is what Thigh Master loves best (go ahead, call me Mr Softee!) Well, I’m sad to report that a movie about a Duchenne muscular dystrophy and a cerebral palsy-stricken pair of wheelchair-bound buddies striving for an independent lifestyle in Ireland didn’t make me shed one single tear! A lot critics have been calling it “manipulative and predictable” (maybe the title gives away what happens to Rory), but I say, who gives a flying fork??? Sure, the emotion and charm was laid on thick, but it kept me from checking the time on my watch (er, um, cell phone. You see, Thigh Master never wears a watch) and that’s always a good sign. Sure, the script aint My Left Foot, but it aint Suck My Left Testicle either. The movie is carried on the backs of the three principle actors, the spirited James McAvoy, the beautiful Romola Garai, and the brilliant Steven Robertson. Sometimes it’s alright not to cry, hispecially if you’re too busy smiling.

Recommended for those who like: Mike Utley (again, sorry), Johnny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, and something not starring Vin Diesel as a nanny.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Commitments.

Nobody Knows
The Japanese Lord of the Flies?
View Trailer

Once hagain, I thought I found a perfect movie that would send me digging for Kleenex (not in a sexual way, ala Mean Girls). Instead, this tale about 4 precious kids (ages 12-5) forced to fend for themselves after they were basically abandoned by their mother, almost sent me to snoozeland. After watching what I had thought was an hour of the flick was only 1/2 hour, after checking my watch (see above). That got me all in a hizzy tizzy, hispecially since there was another 111 minutes left!! Talk about a snail’s pace people! Yikes! Unlike Rory, this movie has been given Arcade Firesque like buzz. I juss don’t see it. Sure, the subject matter is harrowing, but mainstream audiences will be bored to tears. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about cause I don’t have any kids, but if I was married and my wife forced me into seeing this, I might abandon her! Hey, nobody who knows?

Recommended for those who like: Ramen noodles, Japanese girls in sailor-suits, and actresses named after pronouns with high-pitched voices.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kids.

Coach Carter
Hoosiers Meets Stand & Deliver
View Trailer

What more do you need to know? If you enjoyed Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver, you’ll like this. DUHVS!

Recommended for those who like: Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Hide and Seek & Boogeyman
Do They Even Try Making Good Horror Movies Anymore?
View H&S Trailer and Boogey Trailer

Lets cut to the chase here. Hide and Seek had the potential to be a good, but floundered in the third act, while Boogeyman was straight-up microwaved tunafish burning on a pile of dog poo complete with bearded-women pubic hair. I can see why H & S hit the box office jackpot on its opening weekend (cause Dakota Fanning is a bigger draw these days than DeNiro), but Boogeyman? You people have got to be ashamed of yerselves. I’m even ashamed at myself and my mother who dragged me to go see it, cause my pops is too much of a wuss to see scary movies. I’m even going to do you all a huge favor which will guarantee that you won’t ever see either of them: reveal their endings. In H & S, Fanning’s imaginary friend turns out to be DeNiro who has a split personality. Along the way, he killed Fanning’s mum (his wife) and Elisabeth Shue (don’t tell mom that the adventures in babysitting’s babysitter is dead). And in Boogeyman, our hero, isn’t crazy after all. It really was the Boogeyman who sucked his father into a closet oh those years ago!! Not only that, but he gets rid of the Boogeyman for good by sitting in a special chair and destroying random pieces of crap in his room. Or did he get rid of them? Rumors are abound about a sequel. Gawd help us all.

Recommended for those who like: having 3 hours of their lives wasted, having your intelligence insulted, and crap on a stick (not to be confused with Pizza In A Cup).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real horror movie like the two best Psycho or The Shining.

And thus concludes another set of reviews. As promised, once I posted about Flying Dizzles I would be able to complete my Thighs Wide Movies 2004 report. Look for it and other Oscar goodies in the next couple of weeks, in the meantime…

Mental Rental Wround-Up

– We Don’t Live Here Anymore (trailer) AND Code 46 (trailer) are THE most overlooked movies of ’04. I yearned and urinated to see them both in theaters, but both were gone quicker than you can say ‘flizzle my lefty driesell in the house of flying dizzle with my be-dazzlerâ„¢‘. Wow, I was one ‘Dizzee Rascal’ away from copyright infringement on the great Peabs’ prose. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see a movie where Mick Jones karaokes to The Clash (Code) or where Naomi Watts gets railed against a wall (Live Here)?

– The repairing of my flavs Miranda Otto and Rhys Ifans in the romantic comedy Danny Deckchair(trailer) was purty darn adorable, but nothing on the scale of Oliver Barrett in anything/D.A.R.Y.L. (trailer).

– The Forgotten (trailer) was not forgettable, and neither was seeing Mimi Rogers’ bazongas or Kim Basinger getting plunked in the butty in The Door In The Floor (trailer), but usually the movies that are bestest are older and foreign. Thus, I highly recommended Wong Kar-Wai’s moody In The Mood For Love (trailer), Alec Guinness playing 8 roles in the delightful Ealing Studios comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets (trailer), and French-fried caper Bob Le Flambeur, which was remade into the hugely enjoyable flick starring Nick Nolte, The Good Thief (trailer).

Until next time, the balcony is clothed.

When CTU super agent Jack Bauer had his back against the wall, and with his chronic heavy breathing problem reaching new heights, who did you think he called? Well, I was hoping and praying he really needed his daughter to wear a tight white shirt and run thru a car wash…

But instead, he called in the only man he could truss, THE MAN himself, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida!!

Thank GORD! Cause I’m already sick of all the new characters (sans House of Sand and Fog family and Devanester). But hey, isn’t T-Money suppose to be in jail?

– World’s mos boringest couple calls it quits. They were afraid their kids would be too purty and bad at acting.

– Rhys Ifans, the coolest man with the cooliestest name, denied himself the pleasure to wife swap with Jude & Sadie. I bet he rejected their advances cause he wanted to sleep with Law, not Frost.

– Jennifer Garner Fed-Up With Pressure Look Beautiful. I feel her pain, considering that she really isn’t beautiful to begin with.

– Owen Wilson to grow a beard to shed the ‘stoner’ label he often gets. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe you should help Wes Anderson on his next script to help shed the disappointment that was Steve Zissou.

– Jamiroquai to release a new album and tour in the ’05. I guess they didn’t make the Coachella line-up cause either they aren’t written about in Spin or are from the 80s.

– Sorry I’m days late on this, but merry belated peace the fork outing to

Architect Philip Johnson. The dude knew buildings, and how to kick some major glass.

– Tickets for the two Fiery Furnabests shows are already on sale. See you at the Bowery one. I’ll be the one drooling in front of the stage. [via B-Veg]

– Mind you, F.U.B.A.R. may lose its name and webmaster, but that doesn’t mean this shit is dunn like Warrick. Stay tuned.

– Since this site has been pretty much Lohan free for the past few months, yer more then welcome to head over to the Drunken Stepfather for all your Former Royal Thighnessness-ness.

– I don’t think this guy is a huge fan of his papa, yet he did give him one of the nation’s top honors… [via The Zack Attack]

– Own yer very own drive-thru strip club. Bidding is currently up to $300,999.99. [via Brawny Man]

– Play the world’s smallest version of Pac-Man right on yer own CPU. [via Metafilter]

– Spiderman Dos, Lego stizz. [via K To The P: Power]

– Looks like Mischa Mishka is back to her Falkor lookin’ ways. Well, at least it appears that way in this photo of her and Morgan Freebird. I guess she’s only attractive when she poses by herself or with a pair of Keds. Who cares, she’s still so alluring that I’d ride her like 1/9 train. Psssst, don’t you dare tell Cuthbert or her former TV dad what I just said. I want to live to bone tomorrow. [via ONTD, Skeeter, & the love/one below, Mischa-B.com]

– Well, what can I say, cept I had the 3rd largest reported case of blue balls known to man last night waiting AND waiting for Mischa Mishka and poorman’s Jenna Jameson to do something to each other’s firm and deliscumptious bodies. Instead, we got an overdose of that dreck noise people call Interpol, an almost reunion of Seth & Summer (oh how grand!), Caleb being a cold hearted snake (don’t u dare look into his eyes!), and a well deserved week off from Julie Cooper’s antics. Alas, it looks like next week’s the one to watch, or will it be the one after that? Anywho, the pic above is from some future ep, so hand-holding is guranteed. Next step would be fingerbanging, then carpet munching, and finally, eggschanging friendship bracelets. That leaves plenty of time for you all to go and buy some Kleenex and Jergens. In the greenwichmeantime, if yer love jonesing for some Barton lezzie hisaction, peep this, which may result in some semi-(evan rachel)-wood. And if that doesn’t do if for you, how bout czeching her out as the spokeshottie for, get this, Keds shoes! [girl on girl action via PradaShopNYC]

– Think my movie reviews are unintelligle? Boviously u haven’t been reading Bandwagon Boy. Here’s a slither from his Sideways review, ‘Anyways the whole movie is just them going around drinking whine like girls and compaining! If I want to hear complaining I will stay home and the old ballandchain will do it all night and it wont cost me allmost twenty gotdamn dollers PLUS popcorn and jewjewbeats!‘

– ‘I couldn’t bend in the way you’re meant to bend‘ reveals Keira Knightley about why even after taking lap dancing lessons, she juss couldn’t buddy hacket.

– Cream to reform for 4 shows only this May in London. Tix go on sale Monday.

– Interpol & Muse for Coachella? [via the board of ed]

– And for all you smelly or not smelly neo hippies out there, rejoice in the fact that Trey Anastasio, Benevento/Russo Duo feat. Mike Gordon, Mouse On Mars, Old Crow Medicine Show, and Tea Leaf Green have been added to Bonzooroo, TN.

– Can’t wait til May or just don’t care anymore like me? Then go ahead and read the title crawl from Star Wars: Ep III.

– Do you think Tom Welling (some say the world’s greatest living actor) has the power to save Remy Zero? Not likely, the band decided to peace the fork out for good. [via ONTD]

– Why do I sneeze after every orgasm? Once again, Cecil explains it all.

– THE Elvis Cup

– These aren’t your padre’s dildos, but maybe your nun’s. [via Tr3nt Lotts]

– And which US President recently had ‘a mustache ride from a meth-fueled John Stossel‘ and hopes that you’alls will shove his ‘Magna Carta up your motally moo ooh-jah boo radley roo‘? Why none other than newly inaugurated Baron von Peabs. This is what is sounds like when duhvs cry.

– Have a grrrrrrrrrreat weekend kiddies and don’t forget to play yer mos flavorite Friday game…

Sorry for the long deli-lay folks, but writing these things are a pain in my hairy arse. Then why do I bother? So you all stop seeing Fat Albert and start seeing some real friggidy movies for a change. Plus, I’m more fried than Kentucky chicken that in 3 months time I’ll have forgotten I even saw any of them in the 1st place. In haddition, how can I come up with a Top 10 List of 2004 Flicks without reviewing them first? Speaking of, all I have left to see from the strong crop of ’04ers is House of Flying Dizzles. Once viddyied, the list will be unveiled. Got it? Anywho, on to the revues… sorry if they stink like my grundle!

The Sea Inside

Sea Worthy For Land Lubbers

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The sign of a great movie in my book lies in its ability to make Senor Thigh Master cry my lil heteroflexible eyes out. And judging by the tears running down my cheek and the whimpering like a lil bizatch I emoted, I’d say that this is one great, gr8, cheese grater of a film. And since it’s so grrrrrrrrreat (Tony The Tiger speak) me can’t even fathom why it’s only playing in ONE WHOLE FRIGADERO THEATER IN NEW FIZZING YORK!!! Anywho, of course it’s gonna be a grand slam when the story revolves around the true story of a paraplegic Spaniard, Ramon Sampedro, who had fought for over twenty years for the right to end his life via youth in Africa euthanasia. It also doesn’t hurt when it’s directed by wunder-kind Alejandro Amenábar of The Others and Abre Los Ojos Javier Bardem stars as the aforementioned Sampedro and with the added on weight, bald head, and lack of movement, you can no longer picture the hot tamale that he is in real life. Although Samperdo couldn’t wait to end his dreary eggsitance, he inspired those around him to live. It was such a classic line when he so brilliantly explains why he smiles to a puzzled friend, ‘When you can’t escape and you depend on others so much, you learn to cry by smiling.’ And the audience can’t help but smile and cry. This is one of the most heartwarming pieces of 2004’s cinema roster, and in my book that just enough to probably name it the one to rule them all.

Recommended for those who like: Spanish geography/topography, Mike Utley, and imagining what hotness Javier Bardem would look like when he’s 67.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Whale Rider.

Hotel Rwanda

This Isn’t Your Father’s Ramada

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In a year of career performances by other actors, Don Cheadle doesn’t even bother giving us one in Hotel Rwanda. Why? Well, every time he shows up for work he’s gonna give us 100% of his umazing abilities, even when he co-stars in such tripe on a stick as Rush Hour 2 and anything by Steven Nerdebergh. The role of real life hotel manager Paul Rusesabagina was rumored to be Denzel’s or Will Smith’s to lose, but luckily for us, it went to Donnie C. Denzel’s too huge to fill the shoes and Will Smith in my book is a laffable actor… hispecially in a drama. Regardless of how off the meat rack Cheadle’s performance is, this flick is MUSS CEE cause of the umcredible story about Rusesabagina’s struggle to protect his family, and indirectly many of his fellow countrymen from the Hutu’s genocide of the Tutsis. Not only that, but it opens our virgin American’s eyes to the fact that while we all hate these atrocities, our government and the world at large are always apprehensive about helping out. Yeah, you actually learn by watching this movie. And you’ll also cry. Did someone say breastest movie of the year? We’ll SEA about that!

Recommended for those who like: human rights, clothed African women, and Nick Nolte drinking, but not getting this drunk.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Gods Must Be Crazy.

Million Dollar Baby

If A Picture Is Worth A Thousands Words, Than This Picture Is Worth A Million of Em

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The mos perplexing part of reviewing this film is not giving away too much of the plot. Don’t worry, I won’t. As you may have heard, this aint no straight forward boxing movie ala Rocky IV or The Great White Hype, but more about the human haspects of hactually being a boxer… READ: this shizz is more brains than brawn. I mean, lock Clint Eazy-Eastwood, Morgan Freebird, and Hillary Skank in a room with only a piece of gum and twenty minutes later they’ll MacGyver that sh#t into an Oscar contender. What an actor’s showcase this truly is. All three of them shine like Mischa B’s perfect skin. I hate boxing and even I was down for the count. Gawd, how awful are these puns and clichés that I use?

Recommended for those who like: Clint, Morgan, and Mrs Chad Lowe.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Next Karate Kid.

The Woodsman

Kevin Bacon Molests Kids? Again?

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Can you hear the sizzle? That’s Kevin BACON handing in one of his career’s breastest performances to date as a recently released from prison pedophile. And the pork strip man hardly even says a word in the whole shabang! The movie’s central theme is will he or won’t he revert back to his old ways of being yer Wicked Uncle Ernie. Bacon’s trying to change his ways and means, but he still has that inkling in his fingers and pants. And as with every ex-con returns to society story, all of his friends and family have abandoned him and he’s having trouble fitting in. Enter Bacon’s bride, Kyra Sedgwick, who sees something in him and proceeds to bang him. Soon she learns of his ex-sexploits and yet she still sticks around cause she knows that he’s worth the bang. But is the movie worth seeing? Well, lettuce juss say you’ll get a bang for you buck.

Recommended for those who like: Kyra Sedgwick noxious lips, Kyra Sedgwick’s knockout nips, or the brief resurrection of David Alan Grier’s career.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the other child-molester-feel-good hit of the past 5 years L.I.E..

The Merchant of Venice

Jew Won’t Bee Leave How Good Pacino Is

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Editor’s note: I have never read this play and knew nothing about it cept there was some Jewish character named Shylock in it. Editor’s review: yo, if Shakespeare had been mo slammin and controversial like he is here, more high school students would have dug his plizzy-plays. And the finest superlative I can dub to this movie is that said high school students should count their lucky stars that this screen adaptation was made so they don’t have to bother reading the play and can juss rent it instead. Did I mention that normally uber-duber-annoying actors like Pacino, Jeremy Irons (where have u been my lovely), and Joe Fiennes all rock the gondola in this? Yes, Pacino actually acts like a human in the movie and not a jerk-a$$ who screams for no reason (see Heat). The same can’t be said of that annoying guy in Love Actually who bags American chicks including Her Royal Thighness The II. But we should all keep our eyes on the thighs of up and cumin’ actress, Lynn Collins, who played Portia. I’d love to drive that big boned car!

Recommended for those who like: women with mustaches, Gareth from The Office, and pansy-arsed Shakespeare stuff in general.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the Mike Figgis’ incomprehensible Hotel.

Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events

Let Me Count Olaf The Ways That I Love Thee

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Although some people would tell you that it’s juss plain bagel wrong, I think it’s just fine pointing out that a young girl has got talent and a bright future. This young girl in question is not J-L Spears or Emma Watson, but soon to be rising starlet, Emily Browning, who plays Violet Baudelaire, one of three orphans who have nothing but Unfortunate Events forced upon them after their rents czech out on them. Grant it, she’s no Dakota Fanning, so we shant dwell on this subject any longer. Unlike Harry Pothead, I had no idea that Lemony Snicket was such a smashing success. I guess dem kids love anything that isn’t Ramona Quimby these days. orson Wells, I’m glad I took a chance and forced my mumsy to see this with me. The story is whatevs, but the book’s characters and settings are brought to life with such bravado and luminosity, that you even forget that there is a story. There is? I said FORGET ABOUT IT! Oh the art direction!! So recockulously beautifulcallyfragalicous! Major props de leon to production designer Rick Heinrichs, who also helped to create the worlds of Tim Burton’s films AND The Big Lebowski. Give the guy the Oscar!! What was better, I, Robot‘s world? And Jim Carrey, Billy Connolly, and Meryl Streep seem to be having so much fun on the screen that you’ll wish you could hang out with them, rather than their real personses. Carrey hispecially is right at home here. He was BORN to play Count Olaf or really anyone who’s a complete nutter butter. This is one flick that everyone from ages 6 to 66 can enjoy.

Recommended for those who like: lemony snizzles or snickety lizzles, snausages, and snozzberries, but who ever heard of a snozzberry??

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the story that never ends, The Neverending Story.

The Assassination of Richard Nixon

Or A Shorter Title May Read The Ass of Dick

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This movie is carried plain and nimple by Sean Penn’s expert ability to play losers. And what a loser he is in this semi-true story about a loser who loses his job, wife, and pretty much any dignity that still eggsisted, who one day decided to fly a plane directly into the Nixon resided White House jus to be a somebody. Not only does Penn rock the loser stigma to a tee, but he rocks the best shadesville mustache this side of The King of Comedy‘s Rupert Pupkin. So much so that I hereby declare them Bitched @ Swirth! Anytime Penn is going to appear in a movie, he should be nominated for an Oscar. And what’s so pathetic is that he won his golden statue for a dialed-in performance for last year’s highly overrated (what should have been a) TV movie of the week, Mystic Pizza River. The dude always goes the extra yard whenever he needs to pour on the emotion, but it’s more effective here than when he thinks Andy Dufresne knocked off his daughter.

Recommended for those who like: dogs being shot, BWI Airport, and Hasidic tire dealers.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix the whorelairious Dick.

Meet The Fockers

W.W.B.D.?

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If you didn’t like the first one, DO NOT see this one. But if you did, then yer gonna get more of the same sludge we all loved. I didn’t laugh more than three times, but I certainly cracked miles of smiles cause it was truly enjoyable seeing more of the Focker clan. I had my doubts about Dustin in this one, but my Hoffs stole the show. He’ll make u wish he was yer dad. And with the box office buxomness it did, I’ll be more than slap happy to waste another 10 clams for a third installment. But where do they go from there? Fock if I know.

Recommended for those who like: feeling uncomfortable, feeling Minnesota, and Teri Polo with clothes on.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix one of the most uncomfortable movies ever, Neighbors.

The Aviator

Keeps Reaching For The Stars, But Often Its Legs Are Stuck In The Ground

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This movie was good, but it could have been so much much much butt munch a crunch a much roger dinty more than some flick stuck on auto-pilot. I think both of my long dead Grandmothers’ could’ve directed this… even from the grave (no disrespect ladies)! And here are my two main problems: 1) Leo DiCaprio is a good actor (how long can we use Gilbert Grape as an eggscuse peoples!!), but he did not for one second make me believe that he was Howard H Hughes. OK, maybe fore 3 seconds when he sported a stache, but er, well, uh, NO. Sorry Leo, but I think both of my long dead Grandfathers’ could’ve pulled it off better than you! And numero 2) Who friggin cares solely about Hughes’ dedication to aviation? I could watch the History Hitler Channel to find out that infotainment thank you NOTSz. I mean, I read a whole book on HHH whilst me was in Jamaica and I couldn’t put it down cause I kept wanting to read about ALL (not 5 like the movie shows) the broads he wined and boned!! Not only that, but what about the end of his life? That’s all us Americans care about, the bad and mysterious crap. I mean, who didn’t desire to see Leo with a long beard and 6 needles stuck in his arm? We got a better picture of that when Mr Burns went germaphobia happy. And that’s a forking shame. Oliver Stone made two mistakes, one being Alexander, the second was not directing this. Now there’s a man who’d do HHH justice, by showing us what we want… true or not. But all in all, it was still a good movie. Beckincell was smokin, Blanchettee was Oscarlicious, but hey, we all juss want more. And if you don’t want more, well, YOU SMELL LIKE MY GRUNDLE YOU POOPHEAD YOU!!

Recommended for those who like: extinct airlines, evil Alan Alda, and GoodFellas‘ Jimmy Two Times’ speech pattern.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Chaplin.

Phantom of The Opera

Confirms That Joel Suchmacher Is The World’s Wurstest Director (sans The Lost Boys)

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Why make a movie out of musical if you’re not going to improve upon it? Case closed here! Well, I would like to mention that Emily Rossum is not hot at all, but looks eggzactly like a creepya$$ doll. I juss keep waiting for her to say, ‘Momma… Momma’ over and over. And DisSpencer seems to sorta agree, likening her to Minnie Mouse + Mary-Elizabeth Mastrantonio + Angelina Jolie – any sexual experience. Basically, none of those things are positive, like the movie Phantom of The Opera… which me mum loved and which prompted me to call her ‘crazy’ for doing so. DAMN YOU Suchmacher!!! However, kudos for casting fUcKer Jennifer Ellison. I could lick her feet all day long.

Recommended for those who like: awfulicious stage to screen adaptations, awfulistic Joel Suchmacher flicks, and all things awful, like this film.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real movie musical. Take yer pick, Oliver! or Moulin Rouge.

Beyond The Sea

Not To Be Confused With The Sea Inside, Which Is Actually Good

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Could possumly be the WURST biopic AND movie directed by an actor EVER! Yes, this movie made me roll my eyes more than the eyes in that soup in Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom!! Firstoff, the movie is all over the place and zig zags thru nothing to almost something back to nothing times 6. Secondlyoff, YOU LEARN NOTHING ABOUT BOBBY DARIN. Well, you find out that he sang some songs you’ve heard of and that he married Sanda Dee, but other than that, NOTHING. Oh wait, he also owned a watch and his sister was really his mother and he didn’t win an Oscar, and lived in a trailer once singing hippy crap and then died one day. Ooops, did I say too much? Good, DON’T BOTHER WITH THIS CRAP!! Why SPACEY?!?!?! This biocrapic has too much sugar in it. Juss when nothing is going on, everyone has to jump up and down with their flaming jazz hands and sing and dance like a bunch of Danny Ferryies. CRAP. PUKE. YUCK. Tell us what you really think Thigh Master? THIS THING SUCKS WORSE THAN A HOOVER VACCUUM SUCKING OUT ALL THE DINGLEBERRIES OUT OF EVERYONE’S ASS IN THE KNOWN WORLD! Did I mention that Kate Booooozworth could be the wurstest actress? The new Superman will suffer cause of her!

Recommended for those who like: water torture (Chinese or regular), Bob Hoskins, and everything in between.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix ANY OTHER BIOPIC EVER.