Thighs Wide Shut

Spank the lord
and Barry Diller
cause
JEEVES
of AskJeeves.lame fame
is more done than the Green Bay Packers

1997 – 2005
Sadly, this won’t put an end to the poop searches that Ask.com gives us peoples. Tits been ages since I’ve used their search engine, but there’s a good reason for that. For ever time I would ASK Jeevies anything, all he’d came back with was a giant list of things to buy. One time I asked him ‘how to cure cancer’ and he literally wanted to sell me cancer. What a jerk. Yer more stuffy and overrated than Gosford Park. Good riddance! Interesting in the history of AskJ? Click me

• Note to HBO: I love nipples, but PLEASE stop showing Niobe‘s EVERY week during in the ‘Previously on Rome‘ bit. And the nips in question aren’t even actress Indira Varma’s. Peep the NSFWness and decide for yoself

• Spike Lee + Ali G = one reason to watch anything NBA-related

• Someone was married to Kathy Griffin?

• I thought only Disney did direct-to-DVD crappy sequels? Although I am intrigued at the prospect of 16 Seconds, the sequel to Luke Perry’s 8 Seconds

• Best of luck to Phil Olsen, the self-appointed captain of Team USA, who’ll be gettin very hairy this weekend at The World Beard and Moustache Championships

Related: Whiskers of Note Conceal Man of Note

• Hopefully Boondock II: All Saints Day will beget Overnight II: Even More of a Jackass

• Alexa Vega, not so little and big anymore

• Tickets for the Gorillaz’ 5 night Manchester shabang a lang go on sale Monday thru UK’s Ticketbastard [via XFM]

• Free screenings galore for Domino AND The Fog

• Sri Lanka’s election chief has voted since 1963

• Top Ten Female Streakers [NSFWness via Double Vikes]

• Christian Mime Ministry [via MoH]

• And I don’t care if they are married or not, cause this is STILL one of the most uncomfortable pictures ever…

for
LOHAG
LOHAN
HFRT the I

wonder if the pubes
were dyed back too?
on the other hand, while ginger tatty has gone all thin and lizzy…
…the lil one has gone all Gotti, and lookin like a sweaty Adam Sandler with a wig that only hookers wear in movies

• Me and my new name Gavin agree, we’re in it for the BOOOBS

• Only 10 mo days until we have a new crop of zany ‘stache and ‘ard snaps

• Only 4 more days until Winnie Cooper saves the world

• The US version of The Office, possibly the biggest sirprize bestness of since Baked Cheetos

• Keane the band, Keane the movie, Keane the bidness, Keane the sean, and Keane the toonist of zzzzzzz

• Grambo, alive and ready to pounce on Roll Bounce

• The return of the SI Cover Jinx

• #52 on the List of Things Never To Do: rape a girl in South Africa wearing a Rapex female condom-like device [via Laing Sack of Shit]

• How did the tradition of giving a “key to the city” originate?

• TWS.org, yer #1 result when intersleuthing for video of ‘football lesbians’

• Is that really a cloud?

• When life hands you shitty QBs, make shitty QBsade. Fluke or not, Gibbs is still lord and Kornheiser’s almost about ready to start up the bandwagon again.

The greatest sorority known to man, Catherine Omega-Mu-Zeta-Jones-Douglas-MacArthur, and I hath so much in common. We both are T-Mobile whores, we both can do this with our a$$es, and we both love fellow Welshie and current Her Royal Thighness the BREASTEST, Charly Church. Zeta-Tomata hearts her so much that she’s eager to enlist her in her directorial debut of Dylan Thomas’ Under Milk Wood, which was first brought to screen back in 72. Des problem is that she’s so dang worried that leaving for LA LA land will hurt her relationship with current beau and rugby hunk Gavin Henson. Did I mention that I changed my named to Gavin and no one could touch me at Sega Genesis’ Rugby World Cup 95? I say go for it CC the IV!! Hollywurst needs more large breastest Welsh beauties. Just stay away from Michael Douglas, and Louis Farrakhan, who’s speaking at you.

• Faux-gayers t.A.T.u. will be faux-gaying it up at the UK Club G-A-Y this Saturdgay. That’s more gay that sipping Earl Gay Tea with yer pinky sticking out.

• Although she’s now #2321183thrdieth in my heart, Showerpoopa troopa has regained the #1 ranking in tennis. TALK ABOUT REBOUNDIN’!!

• In balls related news: “I love baseballs, do you love the baseballs?“

• In more Borat related news: the following bestness was released in stores yesterday. Gobble gizzile it up peeps… although I’m going the cheap route and waiting for it to match the price I set using Half.com‘s blesseded Wish List

• Back to more hairy balls situation news: Patrick Ramsey should start auctioning off his pubes on eBay cause Brunell will be named Comeback Player of the Year after the Skins go 16-0.

• In one last ball related things: I don’t know jack scalia about Tim McGraw, but his Monday Night Football halftime highlight recap country rhyme-e-shiz was the biggest lode of crap I’ve seen since this

• Andy Rooney may hates a lot of things, but the ‘browmiester surely hearts New Orleans

• SNL needs to stop adding ‘new faces‘ and needs to starts adding ‘new writers’. Or at least send Horatio Sanz packing… on Horatio Hornblower’s first ship outttttttta here

• Is it deja vu or deja boo that the day I lament briefly about Can’t Buy Me Lover Amanda Peterson (but more so about Ami DoleHOTfRUITenz) that someone goes and wonders the same dang thing? I dunno, but in Ami Dolenzerzz related stizz, I want to invent a machine that turns me into Jerry Trimble

• Lynch poo-poos any new Twin Peaks woo-whoness

• I knew Steven Loserbergh was well on his way to killing cinema (ever see Full Frontal? good, so DON’T), but this whole releasing a movie in theaters, DVD, and TV on the SAME DAY is wurstest call since Neville Chamberlain was elected Prime Minister. Peace in our time my a$$!!

• Kubie giving Jack the nod as Napoleon woulda been DYNO-MITE!

• I love Supergrass’ new ditty St Petersburg [video]. I also love that Gaz Combes and Jack Black look sorta similar with beards. And oh, I LOVE mustaches!!

• Pete Tong spankfully returns with a 2-Disc Essential Selection set soon. Trackilisting here

• One of the mos whocares editions of Then & Now

• Jeopardy! contestant searches are headed for LA (DUHVS), NYC, Tampa, Seattle, and Vancouver. Signs up here

• Clear yer calendars cause the Harlem Globetrotters are invading East Rutherford in February. A wise man once wrote, ‘When life hands you Meadowlark Lemon, make Meadowlark Lemonade‘

• Rachel McAdams High School Yearbook Photo… I bet her snap was probably the 6th mos beatoffedable one from that yearbook

• Are Renton, Sick Boy, Spud, Tommy, and Begbie’s ashes really disrupting train service?

• A.C. Slater DOES Rule [via Steve Bartman Hater #6]

• Thighs Wide Open? [sorta SFW]

• Here lies the very first TWS.org Katrina-related link, and it’s amusing, not sad [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Troy’s Mixtape of Love [via Richie Richardson Loves Rice]

• And me have done some serious thinking as of late. Although I am a self-appointed ruler for life, I doubt that I’ll be able to be a Thigh Master for your kids’ kids, so I’ve decided to take on a Padawan. Sio Bibble knows that this could mean only one thing: INVASION!!

• Gawd blessed be my father. For we may have not had a lot in common when I was growings up (he sported a cottage-cheese collectin mustache, while I was terrified of facial hair. I lived for Jennie Garth, while he lived for Little Debbie). But times have certainly changed. He ditched the stache for a much butter barry peppered beard (or would that be brian peppersed beard?) and I rocked one myself, although I did flirt with a stache for a bit. And we both share a love for all things os-good: my mumsy, anything playing at a Landmark Theater, and the thing all us humans must do in order to live, eat. Cept him and I tend to go alpha-beta-gaga for anything considered junk/comfort/greasy food. I mean, the dude was raised midwestern style all up in White Castle & Steak ‘n Shake goodness. Which brings us to yesterday, Father’s Day. To my knowledgee, nothing had been planned. Then 2 weeks ago, I received a to-the-point email (as papa often drafts) detailing our plan: a progressive dinner consisting of wings and apps @ Hard Times, sangwhiches galore @ Roy’s Place (with over 200 to choose from!), and wrappin it up wit some soft-serve bestness at the DQ (which NYC is sadly lacking, along with 23477324 other ta-chings). I’m so proud to be your son, dad. And I was even more proud that I had room in my tummy after eating #118 from Roy’s (two Polish sausages wrapped in bacon, with broiled provolone cheese, buried in cole slaw & Russian dressing on French bread).

• Related: best place to buy gifts and other fine chotchkes for pa, ma, fa, la, and anyone else under the son in the MoCo area? Give Second Hand Rose a go. Next time I’m bringing my camera to show AND tell you all about it.

No more sap, and on with the crap!!!

• Could Coke Zero be the first official soft drink of Thighland? I’m sure Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper would have sum-tang to say about dat!! Insert second Brian Peppers ref here. Buy Brian Peppers tee there.

• Lohan’s ex-gynormo bazongas were NOT digitally reduced sez Herbie director. Either way, this will be the bounciest G-rated movie I’ve seen since Flubber.

• Sex Pistols the latest wasbeens to reunite for Live 8. Who’s next? My money is on ABBA, The Talking Heads, or Jesus and his 12 boyz… all of which will most likely never happen.

• Leonardo BiCaprio was attacked with beer bottle! No motive has been ascertained, although I suspect that the woman who did this was a die-hard Growing Pains fan, and was none too pleased with the addition of his character in the twilight years of the show. Don’t show her that smile again. [pic via DV]

• Alex Kapranos, of Archduke fame, was mistaken as a British spy and detained in Russia. Apparently he was trying to steal the secret plans on how to make those matryoshka/nesting dolls.

• What would 24 the movie be? 102… minutes?

• Want somebody to shove? Well, u can no longer add Soul Asylum bassist Karl Mueller to yer potential shovees cause the dude forked the peace runaway train outta town.

• The free paper that brings you ‘Spot the Drummer‘ (which has been fazed out of our Friday posts), brings you one of the longestest articles you ever did see about Matthew Lesko, the uber-annoying dude in the riddler suit who wants u to take free money from the g-mint. Who knew that he really does wear that suit everywhere and rides around town in a car tripped out in question marks??!?!?! [via My Man Marvelous]

• Enjoy the silence music

• Is ‘more raw and funky‘ the new ‘raw & the cooked‘?

• EW makes me boo, while RS makes me goo. I’m still waiting for Highlights to make me do something.

• How do you make a box of Tampax crazy/sexy/cool? Put the always adorable Kelly MacDonald in one.

• CBS News Sunday Morning‘s Bill Geist took a trip to Luling, Tejas’ Watermelon Thump, which includes a parade, beauty pageant, eating contest, and seed spitting competition. Unfortch, there was no link for the fat chick that could eat a watermelon in literally 25 or so seconds.

• Wanna torture someone you know? Take em to see Jurassic Park III fo free!

• I think Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes did something last week.

• iPod shuffle mania!

• Cecil invetagates the origin of the term ‘missionary position‘, why the sound of fingernails scraping a blackboard is so annoying, and one I’ve been dying to know, why do women athletes tend to be flat-chested?

• And Ask Yahoo! answers, ‘Who invented the weekend?’

• Gary Coleman, still short

• I hate tomatoes, but I don’t think they’re evil.

• Exactitudes

• Brother gonna knock you out, the ani gif [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

• And me beloveded alma matters, Richard Bestgomery, shit the bed against rival Walter Johnson in It’s Academic DC Championship. How sporking embarrassing for the 11th best high school in the nation to get a beat down from the 80th best. IB my ass. More like UB LOSERS, you shameful losers!! Seriously, what ever happened to Rocket Pride, Rocket Power? I’ll be sure to spit on the trophies next time I’m back. At least my pain was eased a bit by how great host Mac McGarry still looks after all these years of straight pimpin’.

• I cunt bee leave mine own eyes & thighs, as my two baseball squads, the O’s & the Natty’s, are sittin (not eggzactly pretty) in first place of their respective divisions!!! I kent bee leave I’m actually semi-interested in base-bore for the 1st time since Major League 2 was released!! Thanks for playing Omar Epps. I sure do wish it was Rocktober already, for two reasons: 1) basebuzzzzzzzzzz season would almost be over & 2) my boys of summer slumber could possib BLY be meeting up for the 1st ever Beltway World Series!! To hell with the subways & John Rocker’s loving of the people that ride them, cause my sqizauds are on point and hitting the MARC.

• Ronald McMolester joins Cookie Puss(y) in the land of sell-outdom. Low-Culture anal-izes THAT!

• Axel F & Tarantino, a more unlikely combo than tuna fish & Yankee Candle. [via The POOONmaster]

• Brett Ratner Not Easing My Fears

• Nice try Danny, but NOTHING could save the tripestain that was The Beach. Not even Virginie Ledoyen semi-nude in water. Speaking of, why has Hollywurst turned its back on the hottiest French thang of the late 90s? Have they not seen these other screencaps of her nekkid? And no, gettin her to co-star alongside Ron Livingston and Chris Penn doesn’t count! [2 outta 3 are NSFW]

• Coldplay‘s stoopid album art has been explained. Could be the biggest let down since Crystal Pepsi!!

• Drew Rosenhaus talks TO on PTI, and in the process reveals how big of a quiche bag he truly is.

• Wanna make Ken Jennings suffer? Stick em on a ferris wheel.

• Don’t import, juss ‘sample’ Coral’s The Invisible Invasion

• And here’s some soundtracks galore for yer thIghPod: Karate Kid, The Princess Bride, Garden Snoooze, Heavenly Creatures, Requiem for a Dream, 5th Element, and one of my all thyme flavorites STDKs, About A Boy

• Related: is this the REAL The Karate Kid?

• Not Related: woman farting on TV

• Ever wonder what Robert Plant would look like ironing on stage? Wonder solved. [via Z de la R]

• Whatever Happened to Polio? And why did the pollo cross the road?

• Maria Sharapova Chuggin a Bottle

• THOSE GREEDY WHAMMIES!

• Bless the person searching for ‘tara reid skankbot’. But how did ‘skankbot’ join the vernacular? Was it the Buffy episode in ’01 where Warren turned women into sex slaves, while Buffy & Spike gotz raw like they was in Monster’s Ball [peas give clickage to see the CENSORED Buffy/Spike hotness, avi file stizzle]? Read part of the script for proof.

• No hot chicks down here today, even though it is ex-Queen of Naboo/possib HRT the III/Natty Portman’s 24 b-day (as well as Freddie Highmore’s 13th, Johnny Depp’s 42nd, & Michael J Fox’s 44th), but juss a pic of world champ Hans Gassner, who juss won the freestyle full beard category at the recent Beard Olympics in Leogang, Austria. Brother still got some mountains to climb if he wants to beat this dude @ the World Beard & Mustache-A-Thon in Berlin this ROCKtober!! [via Synapster]