Camel JockeyingFor Position
14. Dec, 2005 
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Syriana
From The Director of the Movie That Tells You What You Should Do To The Movie In Its Title
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Most of you will see it like this: Syriana is to Traffic as Casino is to Goodfellas. No, yer not taking an SAT test, juss reading a review by someone with the penis of John Holmes and the smarts of a 2nd grader. And although I found Traffic to be the mos convoluted, overrated, and the biggest piece of Robert Altmanesque crud that wasn’t directed by Robert Altman, I have to say, Syriana fares much better in my book than Traffic did. There’s less mess than Les Nessman giving a hand job to the Loch Ness monster. We’re spared the 17 and 1/2 zillion characters, there’s no over pretentious film school shit like red, yellow, and blue camera filters, and spank the good Lord Aslan, Erika Christensen is not blowing large black men in exchange for crack. Speaking of Erika C, you’d learn more about our society by watching Swimfan than you would snoring yer way through Steven Nerderbergh’s so-called opus. But juss cause something’s better than another thang, don’t make it the bees knees like Flora Cross in Bee Season. Syriana delves deep into the corrupt and multi-layered world of the oil bidness, asks a lot of questions, but doesn’t come out with many answers (not that it has too, but it should point to the right direction). It’s like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle, and when yer done, you don’t even know what yer looking at anymore. For the life of me, I still can’t figure out what actually transpired, but I get the general idea: Americans are shady and will do anything to get their hands on some of dat sweet-arsed Texas tea (also, people will take George Clooney more seriously if he’s sporting a neckbeard, and not a necktie). So, to tie things up in a nice lil neckbeard bow, I’ll put it to ya like this: if you had to see ONE red flag raising movie this year, skip this one and spend yer hard earned pay (and by hard earned, I mean the hard-ons you get while surfing porn at work for 8 hours) on The Constant Gardner.
Recommended for those who like: Muslim Nick Stahls, Rockville, MD with an imaginary IKEA, and Jeffrey Wright, probably the greatest living actor who hasn’t even come close to fulfilling his bestness potential
Possible Porno Name: SyrupyVagina
Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Ishtar, The Jewel of the Nile, or Best Defense
Further Fun: Best eggsplanation I could find as to what the word ‘Syriana’ means… an American plot (conspired by oil companies and the United States government) to redraw the borders of the Middle East stretching from Syria to Iran [via Libby]
Paradise Now
Palestine Aint No Pal of Mine or of Pantomimes
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Tell me, how many movies have you seen from a Palestinian point of view? For me, Paradise Now was my first, and I’m glad it was, instead of some stoopid comedy about a neighborhood kebab restaurant ala Barbershop (but beware, cause you know that kinda poopbomb is coming someday!). And even if your answer is ‘1,384222,54’, although everyone would know that you be lying, you dirty dirty Jew, you should see this anyway. Cause what you’ll get is an actual understanding of why anyone would give up their life to become a human bomb. To most of us, we watch the news and hear endless accounts of people dying in the name of Islam. We thinks they is crazy. Not to say that they isn’t, but maybe their motives are just, and we cannot see it that way since our perspective is so skewed to the other side. Also, as Americans, we usually only hear the Israeli side of the story, and with PN, it was a nice breath of fresh air to finally get a peek at how the other half lives. You want a real movie that raises red flags? Skip both Syriana and The Constant Gardner and peep dis (all dough, u really should see TCG if u hasn’t :)!!!
Recommended for those who like: George Clooney’s neckbeard, Terrorists’ Funniest Home Videos, and lands more extra dry than Arrid deodorant
Possible Porno Name: Taradise Now: Mangled Areola Hits Up The Gaza Strip Club
Unsatisfied with this? Throw The War Within on yer Netflix queue like me since it was out in theaters for all of two bowel movements
Further Fun: The kebab comedy we’ve all been not waiting for
Until next time my lil scrappy doo-doos, I bid you Good M Night, and Good Shyamalan. And er, um, yeah, the balcony is clothed!!
BONUS!!!
viddy da Da Vinci Code trailer… which I muss say, looks purty close to how I imagined the book in my head
