Thighs Wide Shut

Zzzzzzzzzzz

Unofficial Oscar Tally Hos

Gays – 4
Gayisha – 3
Pimps – 1
Tsotsi – 1
Palestinians – 0
Jews and Fake Jews – 0

ZZzzzzzzzzzzzz

You’d still f%^k her

Look familiar?

Sure does!!! It’s a a screencap from last night’s stage performance of the Crash song ‘In The Deep’!!

YOU GO Gustavo Santaolalla and your ‘The Wings’ [d-lode]!! I may juss have to eat at Hooters tomorrow, or play the Capcom unclassic Legendary Wings!!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Fortunately, this time Jessica Alba did not refer to Paul Newman as Connecticut

I say poo to Facts of Life handyman George Burnett winning gold. Mindy Cohn worked her ass off for years… and all she has is a big ass to show for it!! He grows a beard and everyone throws accolades at em. It’s not fair. Like Blair Warner humping Bonnie Blair on the Warner Brothers lot!!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Unanswered Questions:

1) Why isn’t DJ Qualls the DJ for Three 6 Mafia?

2) And if it’s ‘Hard Out Here For A Pimp’ [d-lode], is it hard being DJ Qualls?

I guess snot

3) And can we replace Dolly Parton’s name with Amy Lumet‘s

when telling the joke,
‘Have you seen Dolly Parton’s shoes?
[pause]
Neither has she!‘

4) Stephen Colbert’s video VOs were better than anything Jon Stewart uddered. Might I suggest Borat for next year’s hosting honors? I mean, Senor Spielbergo loves em. SEXY TIME!!!

and lastly

5) Who Flung Poo?

Boo. And zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Boogzzz Powell/Diner!

Pee Es- Puns rule! If you don’t like em, we’ll have to lock you away in the punitentiary and throw away the key lime pie!

And the winners is…

Bestest Poopamated Feature

Bestest Denim Jacket Hugger Mt Everestest

Bestest Doc That Makes You Say
‘What’s Up Doc?’

Bestest Use of An Ugly Woman
Who Looks Like A Man
Playing A Man
Trying To Be An Ugly Woman

Bestest Bestestednessness

Oscar Trivia

What gonna happen if Paris, je t’aime wins for Best Director in the ’07?

This be yer last chance to enter our Oscar Pool. $10 meeeeesley dollas. I take check, paypal, HJs, and HoJos gift certifs. Winner (still) eats balls. Enter here (reg req). Group Name: House of Wax Dat Ass Password: neckbeard. And if you haven’t paid me yet, die a thousands deaths

GO MUNICH, aka, fake Jews killing Arabs, & GO SQUID AND THE WHALE, which is 398479732432149342 times butter than Walk The Zzzzzzzzzzzz. If Wa-keen Feenix can get a nom for ‘playing’ Johnny Cash then Lou Diamond Phillips shoulda won for being Ritchie Valens. Leaf‘s nod shoulda gone to Jeff Daniels, who actually chipped in some quality work, not something anyone can do, like be a midget and imitate KISS

The Winter LIMPics are dunn like Nora. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Next time, they should eliminate time zones so everyone can watch the not so grassy knolls at the same time and not on tape delame. Go Latvia!!!

Boo-nus: Photochop Monday?

‘I think American TV is the best in the world. I knew ‘The Office’ wouldn’t be ruined by these people, but I know American shows would be ruined by English people. We’re not as good as you. … American TV for me, as Randy Jackson would say, is da bomb. ‘ –Ricky G

Could the future Liam Gallagher/Charlotte Church collab be holier than thou?

Rudy meets Corky = real hoop dreams [via Double Veeski & Burger King & Queen]

Hugo ‘Hurley’ Reyes = Harry ‘Beyonce’ Knowles?

The return of Ice-T? I’m still praying for the day he teams up with Lemonade to form Arnold Palmer

Jesse Metcalfe (Lawn Boy) banging Nadine Coyle (Thighs Mistake Girl)?

Willa Holland > Bloggers In Amsterdam

And how come they didn’t invite the Hay Master to Edam (which is the new Eden)?

Max, the Devil, and proprietor of Max’s Video shop from The Lost Boys loves dat a$$

Sly no longer on the sly?

Zach Moore and Mandy Braff’s (sorry, but I refuse to call em something very bloggish like Broore or Mraff) Tiffany wedding registry [via The Soup]

Muss See Tee Vee: The Ivankatice

Muss Take Her Clothes Off:

And by the lame, Karen O’s full name is Karen Orzolek, and she’s not only an earsore and an eyesore, but multimediasore! Did I mention she’s a hobag and I’d rather suck this [NSFW] than let her touch mine [‘this’ via Skylar]

How un-ghetto is Trick My Truck? I’d say about 1/16th less than Pimp My Slip ‘N Slide, eh?

What could possib-bly make Nicage emote the Karen O face?

Tits amazin what two a-bombs can do to a country [NSFW muss ness that has nothing to do with real bombs but bombs as in boobs and a kitten and aight already, juss click the damn link via Dr Falada]

The Ketchup Effect teaser [via Shabby]

The 50 Best Robots Ever

YTMND: Ownd [via Tom Wellington The Greatest Livng Actor’s Fan Club President]

Newbower’s bestest fan ever

FREE PANCAKES! In honor of Marwanicur’s B-day! [via BVS is the new CVS]

Add ‘sasha cohen cock’ & ‘sasha cohen underarms’ to the list of things we don’t have on this site………. yet! Aldough it’s a purty safe bet you’ll never mt everestist find ‘slutskaya nipples’ anywhere near these thighswideshut

Lou flings Poo

Posting will probably be a lil miller lite in the loafers this week as we richard gear up for March 8th. Grin and bear with us kids!

Anywhozitz, tis never too late to enter our Oscar Pool. $10 to make ya holla. Winner eats balls. Enter here. Group Name: House of Wax Dat Ass Password: neckbeard. You suck if you don’t join the frayed carpet. And if you do, I’ll see if I can get you in to the palace to touch our gal’s brows, and if you pay $5, you can touch mine too!

Spanks ‘tastic, cause I really need that $10.50 to purchase a grundle hair clipper [NSFW that you should click on even if yer work isn’t safe for things that are not safe for work!]

Wanna know who to bet on in any major sporting event? Be sure to czech in with Bandwagon Boy, the day AFTER

Goonies 2 R’nt good enuff

All work and no play makes HFutureRT Camilla Belle scared shi(r)tless

Stalking Samaire Armstrong at Kinko’s

The Jizzfeld (aka the Ziegfeld) be takin a month of from showing crap to bring the screen’s biggest and brightest back to the biggest and brightest screen, like The Jones trilogy, LOTR, some gay musicals, + MO! [via Tom Wellington, the world’s greatest living actor & AOoF]

Streaking of the Jizzfeld, here’s yer gran’pa-pa’s beat-off matz [SFW]

Phrase that should never hever appear in print hever never hagain: ‘fingering Aaron Neville‘

Hopefully this means he’s spending a wee bit more time on those dreadful Extras scripts

The wurstest Mexican wrestling movie starring Jack Black and directed by the man who brought you Napoleon Dynamite has gots to be Nacho Libre. Thats good news for The Neverending Story III, although it has nothing to do with Jared Hess or Mexican wrestling

Learning never ends: the voice at the beginning of Us3’s ‘Cantaloop’ [d-lode] is that of midget maestro Pee Wee Marquette (think Gary Coleman of the 50s), former doorman turned MC of the famed Birdland, from Art Blakey’s A Night at Birdland, Vol. 1 [stream WMV file]

[snap via MoP]

Biggest Super Bowl Disappointment: Joe Namath did not attempt to hump Suzy Kolber’s leg like it was the ’03

Gheorghe Muresan still haunts the DC haunts

SPiN’s Hottest Significant Other Tournament: Foxy Four

The internets best kept mp3 blazzle secret: Puritan Blister. Doesn’t hurt that I’m a zucker for mash-potato-ups. And thanks to the PB, I’m totally thighing out on my thIghpod to ‘Smells Like Oh My Gosh’ Nirvana vs Basement Jaxx [d-lode]

So den, how do songs get stuck in your head?

How do astronauts go to the bathroom in space? Goo thing freeze-dried ice cream doesn’t give one the runs

X-Entertainment’s Freezer, which aint as Freezy as Freakies

The Mohammed & Christ cartoon that will soon spark the burning and looting of Canadian embassies all up in the Middle East

Not as in-depth as the Borat entry, but czech out Wikipedia’s bit on You’re The Man Now Dog, if yer a man OR dog, man! [via Wananmaker]

Before you DARE enter our ultraFAB Oscar Pool (group name: House of Wax Dat Ass password: neckbeard, $10 to rule them all), you may wanna get a leg up on the competition by peeping the live-action and animated shorts, but only if yer an LAer or an NYer

So that’s what you call that

Eyebrow-Raising Tattoos

Thank you for not pot smoking

Park Slope 2009 according to Freejack… wonder if La Bagel Delight survives?

Japanese Spiderman

Brille-YANT commercial [MaybeNSFW via Fleaski]

And this just in: SIDE BOOBS still RULE!!

This year’s nominees have about as much buzz as Buzz Aldrin headlining this year’s Coachella, aka Zzzzzzzzzzzzz to the nth degree deodorant. But I’ll hold off on the major griping until Walk The Line walks away with anything (can you say 3rd rate La Bamba?). Lettuce juss hope that at this year’s awards, even though the gays will have their day, that boobs will reign supreme!!! And like last year, after taking a super qwik glance at the noms, here are my predications for who WILL win, not SHOULD win (eggscuse my lack of italics):

Best Picture
Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich

WINNER: Humpmyback Mt

Actor
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Capote
Terrence Howard, Hustle & Flow
Heath Ledger, Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix, Walk the Line
David Strathairn, Good Night, and Good Luck.

WINNER: Scotty J from Boogie Nights, for being gay again!

Actress
Judi Dench, Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman, Transamerica
Keira Knightley, Pride & Prejudice
Charlize Theron, North Country
Reese Witherspoon, Walk the Line

WINNER: the woman who looks like a man who played a man trying to be a woman

Supporting Actor
George Clooney, Syriana
Matt Dillon, Crash
Paul Giamatti, Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal, Brokeback Mountain
William Hurt, A History of Violence

WINNER: Cpt Neckbeard (Cloo-less), since he won’t win in the other 2 cats he’s nominated in

Supporting Actress
Amy Adams, Junebug
Catherine Keener, Capote
Frances McDormand, North Country
Rachel Weisz, The Constant Gardener
Michelle Williams, Brokeback Mountain

WINNER: you choose Weiszzzz-ly, although I wouldn’t bee sirprized if Amy Adams won

Director
Ang Lee, Brokeback Mountain
Bennett Miller, Capote
Paul Haggis, Crash
George Clooney, Good Night, and Good Luck
Steven Spielberg, Munich

WINNER: Ang Lee, in a make-up call for The Hulk

Foreign Film
Don’t Tell, Italy
Joyeux Noel, France
Paradise Now, Palestine
Sophie Scholl — The Final Days, Germany
Tsotsi, South Africa.

WINNER: Paradise Now, although Tsotsi is the new Yahtzee

Adapted Screenplay
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana, Brokeback Mountain
Dan Futterman, Capote
Jeffrey Caine, The Constant Gardener
Josh Olson, A History of Violence
Tony Kushner and Eric Roth, Munich

WINNER: Tight Jeans, Thight Ass In Mts

Original Screenplay
Paul Haggis and Bobby Moresco, Crash
George Clooney and Grant Heslov, Good Night, and Good Luck
Woody Allen, Match Point
Noah Baumbach, The Squid and the Whale
Stephen Gaghan, Syriana

WINNER: this is udder BS, since Gaghan shoulda got an adapted s-play nom, not an og nom, but I still hold out hope for Squid & The Whale

Animated Feature Film
Howl’s Moving Castle
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride
Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

WINNER: who cares, but Howl

Art Direction
Good Night, and Good Luck
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Pride & Prejudice.

WINNER: Good Night and Zzzzzz

Cinematography
Batman Begins
Brokeback Mountain
Good Night, and Good Luck
Memoirs of a Geisha
The New World.

WINNER: Heath Ledger Loves Man Ass!!

Sound Mixing
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
Walk the Line
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Kong

Sound Editing
King Kong
Memoirs of a Geisha
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE

Original Score
Brokeback Mountain, Gustavo Santaolalla
The Constant Gardener, Alberto Iglesias
Memoirs of a Geisha, John Williams
Munich, John Williams
Pride & Prejudice, Dario Marianelli.

WINNER: the dude who came up with that hot arsed ‘Wings’ tune for the gay stuff

Original Song
In the Deep from Crash, Kathleen Bird York and Michael Becker
It’s Hard out Here for a Pimp from Hustle & Flow Jordan Houston, Cedric Coleman and Paul Beauregard
Travelin’ Thru from Transamerica, Dolly Parton.

WINNER: ya gotta be kidding me that the Pimp song got a nod!!!! Boobs Parton in a landslide

Costume
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Memoirs of a Geisha
Mrs. Henderson Presents
Pride & Prejudice
Walk the Line

WINNER: GAYsha

Documentary Feature
Darwin’s Nightmare
Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room
March of the Penguins
Murderball
Street Fight

WINNER: I think Penguins will be this year’s Super Size Me, read: BLAH. Either Enron or Murderball

Documentary (short subject)
The Death of Kevin Carter: Casualty of the Bang Bang Club
God Sleeps in Rwanda
The Mushroom Club
A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin.

WINNER: Gawd sleeps at the Ramada hotel in Rwanda

Film Editing
Cinderella Man
The Constant Gardener
Crash
Munich
Walk the Line

WINNER: Jews Kill: THE MOVIE

Makeup
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Cinderella Man
Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith

WINNER: the one with the Jesus lion

Animated Short Film
Badgered
The Moon and the Son: An Imagined Conversation
The Mysterious Geographic Explorations of Jasper Morello
9
One Man Band.

WINNER: Jasper, DUHVS!!

Live Action Short Film
Ausreisser (The Runaway)
Cashback
The Last Farm
Our Time Is Up
Six Shooter

WINNER: Ausererioeooerrss

Visual Effects
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
King Kong
War of the Worlds

WINNER: Dong

Academy Award winners previously announced this year:

Honorary Award (Oscar statuette)
Robert Altman

WINNER: ROBERT ALTMAN!!

The Gordon E. Sawyer award (Oscar statuette)
Gary Demos

WINNER: GARY US BONDS!!!

And although this has nothing to do with Oscars, PEACE THE FORK OUT Coretta Scott King!!

UPDATE:

Join Thighs’ Annual Oscar Pool!!
Group name: House of Wax Dat Ass
Password: neckbeard
$10 entry fee
Winner takes all
contact me for payment shazzle!!
(ps, my entry is ‘Syriana Hinds’)