Thighs Wide Shut

Wud up wit the whoreingness ways of The Kid, as seen in our logo? He’s not only the face of The American Undershirt (now d-funct), but apparently has been moonlighting as the poster child of evil incarnate over at Family.org. Is he not satisfied with the life contract he signed with Thighs Wide LLC? Has he been consorting with superjerkagent Drew Rosenhaus? I even got em a date with Van Dame Dakota Fanning and this is the spanks he gives me? Look kid, like all the Ladies of Thighs, you too could get yer walking papers at any minute I’m drinking Minute Maid. So shape up or ship shup or shavel shnazle Shavlik Randolph. And that can mean only two things. One: INVASION. And Two: Paris Hilton is the 5th coming of HER ROYAL THIGHNES?#?!@#??@$ [via Alfie and Warwick Davis the III]

• CC the IV could not be reached for comment cause she was too busy appearing in fake NSFW photoshopness

• Ms Dunst and The NY Times are the latest to join the largest growing ultra gay ultra stencil font using political group: The Pink Party. Just don’t eggspect Andy Rooney to log on anytime soon… or to hang out with ‘negros’ either

• Gaius Julius Caesar loves fine women and wine, and offing Palestinian terrorists, with the help of his Hebraic buddies, the Hulk and 007… as seen in the FIRST Spielbergo Munich trailer

• Spiders have all the luck

• The skimpy black apron thingie kinda makes up for the overspraytannedness

• Lowell, the Sandman [via Pakula Shaker]

• Chances are it’s not going to be “up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.” …and at least it’s not Just Like Heaven: The RPG

• Why does my body jerk when I’m falling asleep?

• Why do I jerk off before I fall asleep?

• Free passes to Lord of the Rings Lite and Lame Ass Pseudo Graduate sequel

• Since I was wrong dead wrong about the odds I set last week, I’m going to go ahead and ruin the ending of Jarhead for ya: ‘Jesus Walks’ plays over the closing credits… review 4thcummin

• The Ali G NBA spots

• Speaking of… BestAdsOnTv.com

• The Ultimate Movie Meal Menu

• Almost more eggciting than a game of Ironman Ivan Stewart’s Super Off Road

• Miss McDonald, E-I-E-I-OMG

• And in clothing, SCLAPPY PAPPYpapsmear BURSTDAY TO ME!! Give me gifts and maybe I’ll add you to my Guy Fawkes Day greeting card distribution list next year. If not, fork you and the horse you banged last weekend. Anywhozits, enjoy these here pics of Winnie Cooper in Leia Episode IV gear…

Hipsters and Fannings, some say mos un-scariest Halloween since H20…

• Cuthbest, I loves you like I loves my mom’s T-giving pie eggstravaganza, but I’ll think you’ll reconsider your position on nudity when you realize that you’ll never be Meryl Streep… or Mary Steenburgen for that matter… who probably made many a men lose their lunch (besides Ted Danson) by letting her ya-yas run loose [NSFPlanet Earth or even Dean’s Planet]

• The first images from Young Hannibal have been unearthed. By the looks of it, and the dude that be playing Dr Lecter, they shoulda saved their money and juss re-released Crispin Glover’s Willard with the name ‘Thomas Harris’ somewhere on the poster.

• December 5th is too far away, so will someone steal the masters to The Archdukes cover of Air’s ‘Sexy Boy’ and put it in a place we can all find it, LIKE THE INTERNETS? And if yer not eggcited by this prospect, you snobviously don’t know yer pseudo-gay French electronic hotness from yer pseudo-gay Hungarian goulash notness. D-lode the original here and lets move on with our lives.

• In the dark about this whole Plame Game? Norm does us a flavor and posted a vid of 60 Minutes‘ expose on the subject, juss in case yer an unedjewmactaed person who doesn’t watch CBS after fooball. Anywho, please do not let Ed Bradley’s earring distract you from the truth

• And as an added bonus, ask Andy Rooney a question. I double dog dare you!

• HBO ensures that I won’t be canceling my subscription for years to come… well, at least until they announce a 12th year of The Sopranos where each episode revolves around a character watching TV. Oh wait, that’s what happened on every ep last season. [via The Kiddie Fiddler]

• Listen yerself a listen to Jarvis and Co’s ‘This Is the Night’ jounks from the Harry Pothead And The Goblet Of Fire sdtrk. What rockin tunes you got Chronic of Narnia, some Christian crud like 12 Stones?

• Speaking of sdtrks, Meg White’s solo work for Bob Odenkirk’s latest will probably end up in more bargain bins than Temple of the Dog. I’m going hungrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeee!!

• Which enlistment would be more torturous, the Iraqi Army or Lindsay Lohan’s I-Squad? Either way, you may have to give up your life for the sake of the team. Cause their is no ‘nip-slip’ in ‘team’

• Probably the mos genius Apple ][+ Grandaddy music video you’ve never did see [via TOSQS]

• Refarted GoogleVideo fun: the dance of Yoda, silly Asians, and Kirk Cameron on Christ [via Cefle, Shady Harry’s Son, and Socialighter]

• This, that, and these other thangs

• 7 Pink Panther/Sweet’n Low recipes I hope no one ever serves

• Bid on Vincent Gallo’s Sperm [via ONTD]

• And did I tell y’all that I finally cast the three leads in my first of 29 films co-produced by Amblin Entertainment? Say hello to the silver screen’s mos classy and sexiest ninja hooker water polo-playin socialist trio of assassins from Bosnia-Herzegovina, your wet cream dream team, Charlie’s Angles

I don’t like to toss around terms like ‘anally raped by fist covered in Crisco’ or ‘back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco’, but I don’t know how else to express in werds what happened to the Redskins in front of mine very own eyes at the Ghettolands yesterday. Thamks to Megbot, I had the bestest seats my ass has ever enjoyed (40 yd line, 30 rows up), but it was probably the biggest waste of my time since I voted for John Kerry in a heavily democratic state, or when I attempted to make chicken pot pie, with pot. Korny may have it write, but I’m still a believer… until they’re officially eliminated from the payoff picture… which for once, may actually occur on the final week of the season.

• I’ve given up on my search for Wayne Fontes, so I can focus my attentions on the disappearance of Yancey Thigpen. Btw, did anyone ever see him in the same room as Tupac?

• There’s boviously something rotten in the state of Denmark or in the brains of the 2 coaches who gave Oral Roberts a vote on USA Today/ESPN’s pre-season Top 25 poll. I suspect Tevester Anderson and Ron ‘Fang’ Mitchell are the two in question, and they may also be CIA operatives. Don’t blame this leak on me, just plame it on the rain.

• And in our final sportsish related topic of the day, my dearest brother-in-law, Davey “Brickhouse” MadeofBrawnsteen, finished in 5th place at the Verizon VoiceWing Battle at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, MD, by wolfing down 2.5 lbs of wings in 10 minutes. Snatchurally the Black Widow took top prize, but she better watch her back for Davey poo, who’ll soon climb his way up the ladder of excess. I hactually signed up for the contest myself, but since I was chosen as an alternate I decided to go to the Skins game instead. Probably the 14th wurst call of my life.

• The last things I want to think about when RFK’s assassination comes to mind is The Mighty Ducks, nip-slips [NSFW], and Shia LaBeouf

• The Wu-Tang Clan Andy Rooney aint nuttin to f$%k wit… and although I’m sure he never rides the subway, I bet he’s no fan of Dr. Zizmor

• I’ll set the odds at 30 to 1 that Kanye’s ‘Jesus Walks’ doesn’t even appear in the movie Jarhead, but all bets are off on a HRT the IV and Gavin engagement

• Pilgrims are flocking by the singles to the new Mecca, Long Island’s sole remaining Roy Rogers. And if this supposed resurgance fails, and the LI becomes the last remaining RR on earth, I smell a comeback for Bogdanovich in the vein of his brills The Last Picture Show. Maybe he’ll get Cybil to bare breasts again [NSFW], but this time in the name of holster fries and fixin bars.

• Link I never wanted to click on, but did because I needed an eggscuse to slit my eyes out: The Very Best of Jena Malone (Schoolgirl See Thru+Nips)

• And to help ease the pain of clicking the above link, here’s a pic of Double K… doing something, inside a limo, with her mouth, and sorta showing us her sorta chest…

• Free passes to I wish I knew how to quit you THE MOVIE

• The Village Voice: 50 Years/50 Covers

• Are there inbred families in the Ozarks/Appalachians like in Deliverance?

• DougEddingsIsADouche.blogspot.com [via Sox Hater #1]

• I was back in the VT last week, and the only thing I love more than the free cookies I gets from the DoubleTree hotel, and their fumcredible fall foliage…

…is eating my weight in hamburgers, shakes, fries, and fried chicken at Al’s French Frys has much has humanly possible. It’s steadily moving up the ranks on my long retired list of ‘Places To Eat B4 U Die’. Be there, or be thin!!!

And my email acct decided to erase most of the messages in my inbox, so if you entered our Supergrass Super Mark Duper contest, or if you still want to enter, all you have to do is answer the following three questions and she-male me wit yer name and address.

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins‘ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

Schlappy 4th B-day
to
Pardon the Interruption
Probably the most creative, consistent, and insightful news program running on television today (sorry Anderson Cooper). If you aint TiVo or DVRing it daily by now, you must either have fur between your legs or subscribe to this. And if you aint makin Tony, Michael, and Stat Boy pumpkins this year, then you probably don’t have hands.

• HRT the IV and Eyebrows Gallagher are possibly teaming up in the name of Pepsi. Spencer said it best when he said he said, ‘Funny, we always took Liam for more of a Coke-man.‘

• Meg White set to finally cash in on all those unused paid vacation days

• Mischa Barfon demands to make as much money as she has calories in her body

• Andy Rooney takes on bottle water, and the globe still spins

• Apple Martin will eventually make all of her classmates jealous rockin a Michael Stipe lunchbox

• Never forget Clint Malarchuk and his throat

• Matt Lionheart = best player of any sport of all times in any country of the world or america or the unverse or the soler sytsem or all of Calfornia rolled up into one!!

• Ron Weasley breaks fashion faux pas #1,972: never wear an ironic golf related tee when golfing

• America is the new Kashyyyk

• Jeff ‘The Dude’ Dowd abides with Latino families replacing It’s A Wonderful Night with The Big Lebowski as their Christmas movie of choice.

• Nobody celebrates Hispanic Heritage Month like the Wolfpack! [via My Man Marvkus]

• Some will see Zathura for free, while the rest of us won’t see it at all!

• WTF NSFWness [via Cubes]

• And lastly, I have no comment on Jamie-Lynn Spears’ starring role in Gak To The Future

[More]

Since being exiled to Thighberia, it’s been nuttin but downhillness for HFormerRTness the IIIrd. First she locked herself within the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant and started playing Risk (Parker Bros stizz) with herself for 17 straight days. That might sound like a good stress reliever for a person who juss got dumped on one’s ass, but she refused to conquer any other territories besides Kamchatka, Yakutsk, and of course, her beloveded Irkutsk. When she tired of that she proceeded to watch Robin Williams bang two chicks [both NSFW] in the pseudo prequel to The Terminal, Moscow on the Hudson (which is still 91% fresh!), frame-by-frame on her 1999 Divx DVD player. After 48 hours, the machine asked her if she wanted to cough up $3.25 (92.547 Roubles) to unlock the Divx disc for another 2 days, but she was a lil short on cash since she withdrew from the China Open and thus had to figure out a new way to entertain herself. With not many options at her finger banging tips, she embarked on a massive love making fest with each of her Simpsons matryoshka (Russian nesting dolls). You poor thang, with your poon tang. Tssk, tssk, tssk, from Chicken Kiev to Irkutsk. But don’t be red scared babe, cause the Coen Bros and I have come up with a grand idea to help save your career. I give to you…

• Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor, Wilford Brimley has been endlessly trying to sew his royal quaker oats with Charlotte Church

• Another week of NFL fooball and the Skins are STILL undefeated!! The same can’t be said of my three fantasy teams, although Brian Westbrook is the new Michael Westbrook, which really isn’t saying much, but they do have the same last name, but neither of them have big bobs like Danniella Westbrook

• Sacha Baron Cohen (Ali G/Borat/Bruno for u idjiots) invaded NASA, and now believes he’s being watched by the CIA. If dat’s tru, he better cease and desist from wearning juss one red shoe!

• Con-caps-ulations to homewtown hero, and dear family friend, Jeff Halpern for being named the 12th ever Capitals captain in franchise history!! Hope to see you during Rosh Hashanah, where many things are horny and blown.

• By the looks of these snaps, I’m gonna bet that Senor Spielbergo’s Munich is going to be the best eurotrash porn movie of the winter! But don’t be confused when they release it in theaters under the name München Box

• I guess 60 Minutes wants to appeal to a younger audience by replacing George Hamil-tanned Mike Wallace’s mug with hoop earring gangsta Ed Bradley as the first face of the show. Howevski, if they want to appeal to anyone in general, they should throw Dan Rather in the Hudson with all copies of Moscow on the Hudson, before Moscow on the Hudsucker Proxy gets released. Btw, how purrfect of a world is it that Andy Rooney and Kurt Vonnegut are friends?

• Why donate money to a hurricane relief fund when you can spend it more wisely on a DVD consisting of Body Count’s (Ice T’s rock n’ rap ‘Cop Killer’ crew) performance at San Bernardino’s Smoke Out Festival in 2003?!

• Losers unite for VIDEO GAMES LIVE, a full concert orchestra performing the music of Halo, Mario, Zelda, Tron, and yes, even Everquest II, whatever the funkdoobiest that is.

• And peace le Geordi LaForge out to Bond, Tommy Bond, aka Lil Rascal Tommy/Butch, aka the first live-action Jimmy Olsen….

“Jimmy Olsen’s Blues (Live)”
by the Spin Doctors
[d-lode]