Thighs Wide Shut

Us 80s DC metro kids alls know that this is the greatestist commercial of balls thyme (sadly, not a link to the actual commercial), but did we, and the rest of you jerkfaces from st elsewhere, know that the spot above, where a methed out Fraiser is trying his damnedest to sell the world on Shaq-Fu: THE VIDEO GAME, is 2nd breastest of gaul’s lime? I consider the uploading of this ‘mercial my biggest contribution to the internets mt EVERest/olive!!

BONUS FU: the fu-iest fu-sic video for the ultimate in fu-llaboration: The Fu-Schnickens & Shaq-Fu gettin all ‘What’s Up Doc? (Can We Rock?)’ e-fu-ed!!

• Ice-T AND Body Count is both coming out wit NEW albums?!??!SE#@#@@2!!! [source matz] WH—AAaAT??!!t5t1!!yes!!! One is called Murder for Hire and the other is Gangsta Rap. If you can quess which deep title belongs to which artist and are the 3751223485th person to email me your answer, I’ll buy you one medium thin crust pizza from Domino’s! And if that’s not enuff grate news about meaningless old things that rock, New Edition is reuniting for the 15th time so Bell Biv and DeVoe can pat their rent, but THIS TIME with Bobby Brown on board, who also needs to pay his rent!! Wow, maybe they all should make a NEW EDITION of the Rent movie cause the one we got SUCKED. Get it, a NEW EDITION, cause they’re New Edition and I want them to make a NEW EDITION of the movie Rent cause thereir’s will be better than the one with all the stoopid white people who sing instead of earning a paycheck. STOP SINGING AND HAVING SNARKY ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES AND STOP SINGING!!!!

• I’d be down with a Pumpkins, ‘rillaz, Stripes second night of ‘chella

• Cause like Doggy Poo [trailer], sometimes dreams really DO come true: Free Marissa shirts (+ Falkor’s sister with Hitler’s fruit of choice)! [apparel american via Chillary G]

• So is having HFRT CC THE IV on The OC my next wet dream come true like Jude Law making out with Damon Albarn, with a soundtrack by Pasemaster Mase?

• Merry belated peace the fork out to President David Palmer. Hopefully you got some killer Allstate Life Insurance!!! And may the YMNTD.com be with you, ballways [via Mega Man/Van]

• Merry war the spoon in to Nixon Pt II: President Logan aka llon Tandro aka Dr. Dysek aka Captain Sopek!!!

• Ziyi Zhang totally wants to 2046nine it up with Slim Shadeball

• ClintonPortis.com’s collection of Clinton Portis Characters [via Mr I-495]

• IFC Films secured the US theatrical rights to a movie that maybe 4,876 people would want to see (including me, annie + 1, and 4,873 hipsters)

• The Fiddler should quit blogging and juss make eyelicious art things with album covers all ze time

• celebrity rebus – part 1

• Hottest Significant Other Tournament, Savory 16

• Little Urchins, for when you want yer baby to oh, well, whatever, nevermind.

• Can you peoples stop taking pictures of me in the park while I’m reading A Catcher In The Rye

• 25th Anniversary AllSportsMarket.com DeLorean Give-Away

• Many a FREE screenings to the next Pied Piper of Perabo adventure

• This one is for TK Stack Money: Who’s responsible for naming the planet Uranus?

• THE goal

• Coca-Cock-a? [SFW via Navi’s Unibrow Universe]

• Sorry I couldn’t be of service for the one earthling searching for “Nick Goings’ eyebrows”. To make it up to you, here’s an old link of an old man with old eyebrows doing what he does best: being old

• And

And, OMG!

Good News Mares!
– KIM BAUER/CUTHBEST TO RETURN TO 24!!

Bad News Bears!
– The end of the 2nd AVE FRIGGIN DELI????
Good News Mares!
– The beginning of the 2nd Ave Deli on 8th Ave???

Bad News Bears!
– Silky smoothe Lou Rawls outted his fork peace
Good News Mares!
– We will continue to use his name on this dot org as something that rhymes with ‘y’alls‘

Bad News Bears!
– Andy Rooney portrayer found dead
Good News Mares!
– The REAL Andy Rooney will NEVER DIE!!! …and isn’t afraid to post angry letters that take shots at his scraggly eyebrows

Good News Mares!
– Jon Stewart and NOT Shitty Crystal is hosting the Oscars!!!
Bad News Bears!
– Mediocre movies will win gold, like Walk The Line

Good News Mares!
– Hustle & Flow 2???
Bad News Bears!
– Starring Mischa Barton?????

Good News Mares!
– da Da Vinci Code is FRYNALLY paperback bound
Bad News Bears!
– the ending STILL BLOWS, almost as much as Tom Hanks’ hairpiece!!

Good News Mares!
– The SS Sex Boat will be burned as the Vikings go ashore next season

Good News Mares!
– HRT the V will never pull a Kate Moss
Bad News Bears!
– Or HAVE BOOBS!!

Good News Mares!
– Sam Mendes admits he’s a hack!
Bad News Bears!
– I still can’t get back the 5 hours I spent watching Boohead and Road To Snoozeriation

Good News Mares!
– Noel Gallagher Takes Back Blur ‘AIDS’ Comment
Bad News Bears!
– AT&T may get chlamydia for using Oasis’ ‘All Around The World’ in their new ad campaign

Good News Mares!
– HAL-9000 & R2-D2 will be inducted into the Robot Hall of Fame
Bad News Bears!
– R.O.B. and D.A.R.Y.L. will have to wait another year

Good News Mares!
– Besides ‘Other’, Pam Mueller is everyone’s mos flavorite Jeopardy! Ultimate Tournament of Champions participant
Bad News Bears!
– She has yet to become mother of my children, and since we are the #2 search result for her name that probably guarantees she’s been to this site and aint too interested in becoming the mother of my children

Good News Mares!
– More Ali G NBA promos!
Bad News Bears!
– The NBA still eggsists!!!

Good News Mares!
– The Giants fans now know what it feels like to get James Thrashed/witness back alley abortions at G-Men Stadium
Bad News Bears!
– We’ll have to wait til Augusto for some mo of that highly special/thighly entertaining Jeremy Shockey STOOPIDITY

Good News Mares!
– Dan Snyder and his endless deep Jew pockets
Bad News Bears!
Bad News FOR THE Bears! (and everyone else’s eyes)
– A rematch of week one’s borefest

Inspired by the WaPo and sorta by the Bruno skit where one has to choose between giving Jack Black candy or cancer, I ice man giveth to you, what will be in the mix in ’06, besides Raymi

OUT	IN
Peter Jackson	Jack Peterson
Squeezable Mayo	Squeezable Relish
Dime Bags	Penny Loafers
Poo	Poop
Eli Manning	Taryn Manning
Beta Testing	Betamax
Mock Turtlenecks	Ookla the Mok
Big Bang Theory	Gang Bang Theory
SXSW	NXNW
Mark Cuban	Cubano Sandwiches
The Truffle Shuffle	The Ickey Shuffle
Steven Soderbergh	Sod
S&L	SNL
Blogs	The Troggs
Rachael Ray	Paula Deen
Neighborhoodies	Footies
Pink	Black
Cliff Engle	Cliff Notes
Gay Cowboys	Gay Redskins
Da Da Vinci Code	646 Area Code
TMs	BMs
Vagina	China
Books On Tape	Tape On Books
Prof McGonagall	Prof Plum
Rumors On The Internets	Rumors On The Brailles
Tomkat/Bennifer/Brangelina	Bosom
Dakota Fanning	Ariel Gade
Ghanaria	Hare Rama, Diorama
July	April
Arnold Palmers	Shirley Temples
Handrying	Receiving Bacon
Barnes & Noble	Borrowing From The Library
Cheryl Hines	Ciarán Hinds
LOL	El Al
Jesus	Arslan
Grey’s Anatomy	Gray’s Papaya
Andy Rooney	Ed Rooney
Hating Jews	Hating Jews
Pixar	Flip Books
Sio Bibble	Wearing Bibs
Nip Slips	Slit Nips
The OC	The REAL OC
Tapas Bars	Topless Bars
Sofia Lidskog	Kelly Miyahara
Saving Africa	Singing ‘Africa‘
Ben Stein	Palestine
The Walrus Was Paul	The Walrus Was Mike Holmgren
Brunch	Flunch
Regifting	Ree-Yees
Rusty Trombones	Rusty Kuntz
David Keith	Keith David
Recockulous	Retaintulous
Flizzm Jizzum	Russian Dressing
Oompa Loompas	Koopa Troopas
The Neverending Baseball Season	The Neverending Story II
Sufjan Stevens	‘Suffragette City‘
Microwaved Tunafish	Microwaved Gefilte Fish
Alba’s Ass	Alba’s Abs

[see more snaps from the next Balboa bout | via Pakula Shaker]

• The 2006 Independent Spirit Awards should be a whale of a time. Good night, and good luck to Good Night, And Good Luck

• The 2006 Sundance Film Festival should be a squid of a time, with such new hotness from the likey likes of Michel Gondry, Jonathan Demme, Wim Wenders, Terry Zwigof, and Nick Cassavetes. No word if Drama or Turtle will return to romance the same woman, or to shop Romancing The Stone 3

• The mos illiest Bat Mitzvah of 5766, thus far

• From the desk of Andy Rooney: Andy Rooney’s desk

• John Franklin scared the living daylights outta me in Children of The Corn, and so did the design of his official website

• Borat learns the ways of American Football. HI FIVE!!!

• King Kong doesn’t arrive in theaters til next week, but if yer mad jonesing, feel free to contact the real King Kong, or his imposter, King Kong, or eat at the King Kong restaurant in Brooklyn. Or don’t, and continue to play Donkey Kong Jr Math

• Bless those intersleuthing for ‘Wilson Jermaine Heredia and a-rod‘ and ‘thigh master really work?‘

• The gift that keeps on blinging [via Ceffle]

• Ditka + Grabowski = CLICK NOW [via The Meat Hook]

• And while Her Royal Thighness the Colin Firth is having a case of no nipple regrets, mine eyes have shifted attention to her Pride & Prejudice sistah [soon to be reviewed, PROMISE]. No, not Pikey, but lil Kitty, played by the relatively unknown Carey Mulligan. She may not appear to be quite the Dane Looker according to these snaps (next to KK), but lemme tell you, she’s got a certain gumption that makes conjunction junction function beyond function. Camilla’s still the heir to the bone, but my thighs are always wide open to fresh clams. We’ll keep a tab, shift, alt, and ctrl on you lil one!