Thighs Wide Shut

– Peace the fork out F.U.B.A.R./ThatsJustNotRight.com??!?!?! Thanks for all the memories, mammories, letting me steal high quality images, and the spank material many have enjoyed. And I guess I can kiss that average of 3K+ peeps coming here each day goodbye since a ton of the referral links came via dem. I recommend all F.U.B.A.R.ers head on over to UseMyComputer for their source of hottie hottness.

– Lara Flynn Boyle was so desperate to join the Mile High Club on a flight from London to LA recently that she flashed her Twin Peaks at crew members and tried to jump into the bed of a stranger. And I ask you, what would have been more entertaining to watch unfold on a plane, LFB’s flashdance or Peter Buck’s yogurt throwing incident?

– Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was born deformed? I juss assumed he was run over by a car.

– Scramblin to find that purrrrfect Valentine’s Day gift? Scramble no further, cause nothing sez I Heart You more than a painting of Steve Perry from Journey done up as Robocop or NSFW Japanese Anime dolls that poop. [via Ad Mich & Warner Sistahs]

– According to some bizatch neurologist/psychiatrist Her Royal Thighness the II, Cuthy-Cuthbert, is “strong-minded, ambitious and aggressive” because she likes whipped cream on her Tazo Chai Tea Latte. What he doesn’t know is that she also loves smattering ounces of whipped cream all over her precious body for her King to lick off. What does that tell you about her Dr Jerkface?

– We all know Stereogum is a haven for good music info (and Lionel Richie clay head obsessions), but the comments section? It’s one thing for Grambo to quote from it in his ‘quote-a-matic’ section, but The Boston Herald? Bloggah plizeassssssse.

– It’s official, Andy Rooney’s starting to lose it.

– It’s official, I’m not heteroflexible, but very metroflexible. This past weekend I joined Mumsy & Sister Thigh Master at the gay/family confines of Rehoboth Beach, DE. Although I did opt out of the massage fest (due to my impending Eurotrip, sans Michelle Trachentehenbroke), I did indulge in a sophisticamactatted hour long pedicure. Any fellas, if you’ve never gotttten one, you owe it to yourself to gets one. I mean, do you want to clean your feet?

– The story of the week isn’t Iraqi people voting, but A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. [via Gulf of Sonkin]

– Well, if that man hadn’t peeeeed his way out of an avalanche, this spoon-shaped egg may have been the story of the week… hispecially since it’s Bitched @ Swirth with the giant cock & balls sculpture from A Cockwork Orange.

– Speaking of Bitched @ Swirthnessness, My Man Marvkus spotted a poster at les Twerps’ triumph over dem Yellow Jackets last night (DJ Strawbizzle who?) that displayed the ugly mugs of both Nappy Dyna & GT center Luke Schenscher. Enjoy!

– I’m happy to report that it looks like things are getting back to normal in Thailand… like teaching their elephants to paint, dance, play musical instruments, and of course, take dumps like you and mies van der Rohe. What’s left to teach them? The courtesy flush? [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Guess where I’ll be May 22nd? At GW’s graduation to hear commencement speaker Andy Rooney. Great idea Colonials. He’ll really inspire them kids to do great things, like hate paper clips and they way people drive.

– Guess where I won’t be ever? Lil Kim’s clam bake. Microwaved tunafish nastinessness!!! [totally NSFWness via Pink Parts]

– Move over BK, cause this woman’s vagina is the real home of the whopper.

– Happy belated b-day to Mumsy ThighMaster (don’t worry, I called her yesterday). And a merry 35th b-day to Skeet Ulrich. The coolest thing about u is when Chris Rock introduced Johnny Depp as ‘a richman’s Skeet Ulrich‘.

– In the Gawd Help Us All department… David Brent signs on for Mission Impossible III, there’s gonna be a Spaceballs: The Cartoon, and a pastability of Taxi Driver II!?!?! Yuckerkarkq^iab#h$yikes!! Lettuce all pray they aint thinking about making Taxi II. [2nd link via Brad Foreskin and 3rd via The Fid Diddler]

– I love that I’m huge in Norway and StereoScizzle is bigger there than Jesus AND IMDB!!

– Is Kaylee DeFer the new Jessica Alba? I dunno, maybe we’ll need a rear view like this before making such a call.

– Todd Phillips apparently left the Borat movie because he’s a patriotic pu$$y.

– Chewbacca and Princess Leia, like you’ve never seen them before.

– Few things beat the whole burning sensation one’s testes acquire after teabagging Bilbo Baggins with some eggnog raggin flaggins. Is it safe to say that Peabs is our generation’s ee cummingsonmyface? Bozzle!

– Ooops, I did it again. But this time it was my stalking of the other Spears, J-L stizz, that put me behind bars. Damn you Trent and all your fingers that be firmly on the pulse.

– Finally, Mischa who?

UPDATE: Fiery Furnaces are a GO for Coachella!! For the love of funnel cakes, please don’t place them in a smelly tent!!

– Who couldn’t care less about the Golden Globe winners, hispecially since Leo wasn’t beeleaveable for a second as Howie Hughes, yet couldn’t stop staring at Nancy O’Dell’s body during the preshow? ME!

– Who this guy with the guile and gumption to post mp3s for every track of Beck’s new album? Gawd only knows, but thanks to StereoScottSkiles and Productson for the linklove.

– Who knew that Kip/Aaron Ruell from Napoleon Dynamite was such a dynamite photographer? Maybe Aaron’s mum?

– Who returns from the grave next Tuesday with a Mouthfeel? Magnapop does and yous can download their ultra-catchy single ‘Smile 4U’ here.

– Who was the least biggest sirprize in da Da Vinci Code‘s casting? Jean Reno as detective Bezu Fache. While Opie’s at it, why doesn’t he sign up Leon’s padawan, Matilda!!!!!!

– Who could easily become Her Royal Thighness The III? This 100 pound chick who became the first person to eat a six-pound hamburger in under three hours! [via Posh & Becker]

– Who the scrooge are Autolux? Beats the spork outta me, but count dem in for Coachella. [via The Mesh Board]

– Who is Harry Crumb? Ask Shawnee.

– Who has been house hunting the homes of Bush’s cabinet? Probably not LL, who rocketh.

– Who knew Andy Rooney had a son, let alone banged someone, and that his son was also a reporter? I dunno, but I bet he’s much more qualified than Jeremy Schaap.

– Who Flung Poo?

– Who be hittin the road this April that you butter go see cause I juss told you to do so or ELSE?? Les Fiery Furnaces, and with their last show slated for the end of April in San Fran, is it safe to say they’ll be Coachella bound? [via The Veggie Head via The Cowboy]

Wed 04/06/05 Cleveland, OH The Spot

Sat 04/09/05 New York, NY Bowery Ballroom

Sun 04/10/05 Brooklyn, NY North Six

Tue 04/12/05 Detroit, MI Magic Stick

Wed 04/13/05 Newport, KY Southgate House

Fri 04/15/05 Atlanta, GA Emory University

Sat 04/16/05 Nashville, TN Exit / In

Sun 04/17/05 Saint Louis, MO Washington University

Tue 04/19/05 Columbia, MO Blue Note

Wed 04/20/05 Lawrence, KS The Bottleneck

Fri 04/22/05 Boulder, CO Fox Theatre

Sat 04/23/05 Salt Lake City, UT In The Venue

Thu 04/28/05 San Francisco, CA Great American Music Hall

Fri 04/29/05 San Francisco, CA Great American Music Hall

– And finally… Who got their a$$ royally spanked by His Royal Thighness in some HOT Literati action, yet still was nice enuff to provide us all with the fine animated gif you see below? Giddy-up Giddy Gideon. Bless you my dear.

MERRY 86th FORKING B-DAY ANDREW ROONEY! For on this day in 1919, yer dear parents gave birth to what some peeps would call the anti-Christ, but to me, the messiah of maniacal muttering. I don’t think I love any man (besides Jude Law) as much as I heart you, AR!! So whatever you do, PLEASE DON’T EVER DIE. I really don’t know how I’d ever be able to face 7:55 PM EST on a Sunday without you and yer crazy-a$$ed eyebrows. Sure, George Whipple III’s also gots somes bushy von brows, but no one could ever replace you o lord of curmudgeonessness. Not even you Steve Hartman, you Admiral of Lame.

– And I’m sorry I be hating on you so much these dayz Stevey, but that doesn’t mean the powers that be should get rid of 60 Minutes II altogether! Instead why don’t they 86 one of the 14 CSIs? [via The Bistro]

– Prince Harry could have done worse… like eating a watermelon the way del fuehrer loved to.

– Clips of the new Fantastic Four flick lead me to believe that it won’t turn out to be the debacle that Roger Corman’s was. But making Jessica Alba an invisible woman could be the wurst call since Olestra. [via the Double V-miesters]

– You can judge how narly and rad a President is by the musicians they snag for their inauguration. And by the looks of Bush’s line-up (Hilary Duff, Gloria Estefan, Ruben Studdard, and 3 Doors Down), you could say that’s he’s almost more hip than Donald Dumpsfeld. On the other hand, back in the weigh day, Clinton cemented his wickedness when he kicked it with Natalie Merchant, Fleetwood THE MAC, and the one day only supergroup known as Automatic Baby, which consisted of Michael Stipe, Mike Mills, Larry Mullen, and Adam Clayton! Click this link to find an mp3 of their performance of U2’s ‘One’. Franzforkingtastic! If I was prez, I’d have The Fiery Furnaces, Air, White Stripes, and Ali G/Borat all perform in my honor. I’d also probably convince my first lady, Cuthbert the Hot, to pole dance for my supporters.

– Don’t trust every single Coachella rumor you hear or read, but feel free to be entertained by them. For eggzample, on the message board, some smorkbag claimed he heard from a friend at Capital (sic) Records that the likes of Korn, Limp Bizkit, and many other unlistenable bands were a go. And to which, someone retorted, ‘my friend at Mc donalds says the hamburgler is goin to headline night 1.’ Does anyone else find this humorwristic or do I need to get out more?

– Southwest Airlines to start flying out of real airports like LaGuardia and DC’s Reagan National… sorta.

– If someone out there is looking to start a blog and has no idea what to blog about, may I peas implore of you and bribe you with Girl Scout Cookies to make one dedicated to the finest sports and talk show on TV: Pardon The Interruption. This guy attempted to do so, but dropped the ball in ’02. Either way, how is it possible that PTI ever jumped the shark?

– What’s “continental” about a continental breakfast?

– Clicky here if yer dying to convert a specific dollar amount from the past to its present value, for any year after 1789. [via Cecil McKnowledge]

– Bryan Berg stacks cards for a living.

– I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney. That’s no headline, but Ben crApffleck’s directorial debut!?!?! [via CopyCatism]

– If you vote for Mike Birbiglia, I may get free sausages.

– Dizzee Rascal spackled my tackle box with Samantha Fox! Flazzum! Basically anytime Peabs posts, I’ll mos likely link to it. I mean, is there anyone more brilliant and beautiful than he is? Wait a sec, I think I may have just found the heir apparent to Andy Rooney!

– Mr Little Penis Gives Up. [SFW, not this SFW mind you!]

– And now it’s time for you all, my dear readers, to help decide the fate of the ‘Spot the Drummer’ thing you see here every Friday. Do any of you ever click on the pic (below) and play the game or should I just get rid of the whole damn thing so we can move on with our lives?

Oh, the Bok Choyces we have to make in our lives. Sunday night was the biggest dilemma in the House of Thighs since the Ford administration. What is one to do when Fox airs two straight hours of Jack Bauer’s heavy breathing and one of those hours juss so happens to overlap with the lovely, yet desperate Housewhores? Like there was even a decision to make. I shouldn’t even bother watching 24 anymore since Her Royal Thighness, Kim/Cuthy, parted ways with the show, but with the addition of William Devane (who used to look like RFK and now looks like Ted Kennedy), a House of Sand and Fogesque family, and hispecially Lukas Haas (my former muse before Barret Oliver re-stole my heart), it was enough to keep me glued… for at least that 1st hour. I mean, there really aint nuttin in this good world dat’s gonna keep me away from Bree Van De Kamp and her purrrrrrfect red hair that I just wanna lick all day like it was Häagen-Dazs. Cold case closed… for now.

– Speaking of HRT, is Sir Ian Holm Elisha Cuthbaby’s secret daddy? Why else would he shorten his name?

– And what kind of a bloggah would I be if I didn’t pass a long a peace le fork out to Jennirad Pittison. What will we ever do without you, our most boringistestically former Hollywood super-couple? I dunno, I guess watch Lukas Haas kick gla$$!!

– Lindsay Lohan Picked As Top Celebrity Gamblers Want To See In The Nude. I hear that’s the second greatest honor one can receive next to being knighted or mcnabbing a coveted Subie Award.

– Looks like Michael Jackson has done some pretty bad things. Nicknaming two kids ‘Doo Doo Head’ and ‘Blowhole’ may be the wurstest of the bunch.

– Andy Rooney, lover of cell phones? Whatta you think?

– I think I have a Cliff Engle NFL sweater fetish. Somebody please help me.

– 62-Foot Stogie Rolled in Puerto Rico. It’s things like this that make me so proud that they’re a US commonwealth.

– Blog + Video = Vlog. That’s about the gayest thing I’ve ever heard of that isn’t even gay. So don’t get yer hopes up folks, cause you won’t be seeing your’s drooly becoming Vlog the Impaler anytime soon. [link and Dracula pun via Johnny Bill$$z]

– Porn bad? According to this 1965 PSA by Citizens For Decent Literature Inc, it most certainly is! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Terrence Malick, who directs a movie about as often as I exercise, decides to make a come back with this? Note to Hollywood: we’re sick of Colin Farrell. Please send him back to the land of Darby O’Gill and dem little people.

– Melinda & Melinda looks more like a Will Ferrell movie, than a Woody Allen one. The jury’s still out on whether that’s a good or bad thing.

– Which Napoleon Dynamite character is you? I landed the plum role of Kip, which was fitting since I like to chat with hot babes all day shlong on the internets too! [via Kentucky Woman]

– Is your name Jim Wilson? You’re not alone.

– And I’m sorry if the following animated gif of the magi is N.S.F.P.W.L.O.H.M.B. (Not Safe For People Who Love Or Hate Mr Bean), but it au jus had to be posted. [all thanks or blame can be directed to Wimp.com via my dearest to CityRagDoll]