Thighs Wide Shut

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…

So I guess you can call this our first Thighs Wide Theme Week. If you’ve been cave hidin’ with Osama, then you probably don’t know what I reek of. Lettuce recap: Montag gave love to Mike Tyson and his Glass Joe ways, Martedì lookyed back to the days of yore, when drowning your family was a fun thing, Miércoles paid tribute to a yellow pioneer (and I aint talkin bout them folks who made railroads for white people), Jeudi was filled all sorts of CAPCOMedy, and Friday I’m in love… ALL OVER AGAIN with the greatest gaming system known to man, no not TurboGrafx 16, but The Nintendo Entertainment Center, which went nationwide is on our side in ’86. I could go on and on with run-on and run-on sentences about how much the 8-bit of heaven means to I me mine, but then I wouldn’t have anything to write about for years to cum. So without further Freddy Adu, I giveth to you:

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2) RBI Baseball – NES was loaded with stellar artois baseball games, but this was the king of the diamond. All the players were white and faceless, plus looked so cute when they got beaned. Wanna bring home the pennant? Play with Boston and sub Tony Armas for Marty Barrett & Ellis ‘Tim’ Burks for Spike Owen. And how do you like yer RBI muzak, men on base stizz or bases empty?

3) Super Mario Bros 3 – Super Mario 1 is classic, but not worth playing anymore. Super Mario 2 is a joke, but sorta set the stage for Mario Karts. That leaves 3 as the perfect edition to rule them all. Magic flutes, raccoon AND frog Mario, giant land, the match game, and giving people a reason to see Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Christian Slater, AND a pre-Rilo K Jenny Lewis mix it up in The Wizard. Wanna make Bowser look as weak as Sha Na Na’s Bowzer? Load up on 99 1-ups on World 3, Level 9. Juss grab the shell of a green flying koopa, throw it between to blocks, and let the bomb-obs thing do the rest.

4) Final Fantasy – A much better RPG than OG Zelda, but too long and complex for repeat play. Sh%t was like the best parts of Ultima, Dragon Warrior, and even LOTR all rolled into one fat blunt. No other vid games’ enemies and boards made me sweat more than FF‘s did. Wanna shine light on the darkened orbs? Don’t even think about starting without Nintendio Power’s strategy guide. The secret game was effin hugo and its boss!

5) Mike Tyson’s Punch Out – Do I even need to explain this one? Juss look at these ani gifs, listen to this racist, yet chillarious tune, punch in ‘007 373 5963’, and kick that ex-Robin Givens loving machine to the kerb. Can’t ya juss hear Mario squeak ‘TKO’ with his accompanying word balloon?

6) RC Pro-Am – Love Spy Hunter‘s weapons & oil slicks, and Super Off Road curves? Then this is the game for you. My copy of the game has been used so many forkin times that after a 30 seconds of playing, everything on the screen turns black and all you can see is what place yer in. Wanna stack yer trophy room? Avoid picking up bombs, stick to the missiles, and ALWAYS use the red-speedy-arrow-thingies whenever possible.

7) Bionic Commando – CAPCOM at its best. You sport red hair, wear shades, gots a bionic arm, and get to kill Hitler. How? Throw the dude some watermellons and watch him go crazy!

8) Ice Hockey – One skinny dude and 3 fat guys are the recipe for success.

9) Castlevania 3: Dracula’s Curse – All of the C’vania games were moneybag mcgees, but once again, a #3 ups the steaks and salads. The standout feature here is the ability to transform into three diff characters. I’m partial to Alucard, Dracula’s bastard son.

10) Goonies II – I don’t remember there ever being a Goonies I or even any buzz about this one, but I borrowed it from a family friend and never returned it. Spank gawd, cause I was able to strap on my slick shoes and save the breastless mermaid from the Fratellis. Wanna never die like the Goonies? Find Konamiman as often as possible.

11) Contra – How could ANYONE ever win without ‘up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, select, start’? I guess it’s one of those never to be answered queries like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?

Mostest honorable mentions: Blaster Master, Metal Gear, Bases Loaded, Baseball Stars, Metroid, Blades of Steel, Pro Wrestling, and shove course, the one with the bestest name of all thyme, Rygar.

Sorry kids, but Super Tecmo Bowl juss doesn’t cut it para me. I’ll stick with 10 Yard Fight as NES’ blue ribbon fooball game. Where else can you throw a 99-yard bomb TD pass, while being on yer opponents’ 1 yard line?

* for games that debuted on the NES

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• Although I’ve retired from playing video games in this new era (due to the fact that my brain can’t handle more than 3 buttons), tit doesn’t mean I can’t slobber over the past glories ad infinitum. Yesterday was Oregon Trail appreciation day and today that honor is reserved for Pac-Man, who is celebrating his 25th B-day this year!! Oh Pac-Man, what has happened to the gaming industry? The games haven’t gotten better, just bigger. And in my book, simplicity will always win (don’t get me going on Star Wars IV-VI vs Star Wars I-III again). And how can you beat chomping pellets and fruit while trying to avoid KKK-esque ghosts with names that end in ‘y’? You can’t! And no matter how many times they repackaged the game (Baby Pac-Man, with the game/pinball combo, was so fetch!), we the people gobbled it up over and over. Plus, who didn’t fall victim to the mania and the Pacaphernalia, hispecially the song, the cereal, the Chef Boyardee pasta, and no doubt the the toon, with the very poon-a-licious Mrs. P! Dem boots were made for walking KNOCKING!!!

• Luke Skywalker is a possib to play the Joker in the next Batman flick. Unfortch, so are Adam Sandler (oh crap) & Robin Williams (OH LORD, PLEASE NO!)

• Kenny “Sky” Walker is possib the greatest Knick dunker of all time.

• Speed Racer movie update… sadly Vince Vaughn is still attached

• Tis been awhile, u deserve some (new)zzzzzzzz

• The American Office‘s Pam Beesly is apparently one hot catch. Not only is the fake Tim hot to trot for her, but so is Six Feet Under‘s Rico. Too bad none of them have a chance… unless their name is Uncle Rico.

• Speaking of, Trisha’s mom, the woman UR tires to sell Tupperware to, is one foxy momma in real life! I’ll keep my eyes and thighs on you Ellen Dubin!

• Who knew that Gawd & the Son of Gawd plays for FSU? [via Andre Dawson Boot Licker]

• Elton John, good enuff to eat!

• Cant bee leave that it took some HOT Sleven info to get Gawker to frynally realize how fantabulous TWS.org truly is. Welcome to the club bizsnatches!! I’ll try to be more snarky in the future so u can link to me more. Note: the was the 1st time I ever used the word ‘snarky’ in a sentence. Please lock me in a room and force me to listen to LCruD Soundsystem for 6 straight weeks.

• The History of the Batmobile. I’m partial to the ’68 model.

• Beaten once again to get one of my grand ideas from my resin-filled head to the stores: Hold Me Closer Tiny Danza [via YCMIU]

• Meningitis.blogspot.com, still the strangest site I perma-link to!

• Cereal es muy YUMMY! [via Johnny Cash Money]

• And in clothing, I’d like to bid a hugem fond farewell peace the fork out to teethy actor Lane Smith, who was far from lame. If the name doesn’t ring a patti labell, don’t worry cause it didn’t cash register with me either. Cept the dude’s gotta face you’ve seen a zhousand thymes: Perry White on TV’s Lois & Clark, the DA in My Cousin Vinny, the mayor in Red Dawn, and of course, father-in-law to Paulie Shore’s Son In Law. You will be missed Lane. Hopefully a street in your birthplace will be renamed in yer honor. I can see it now: Lane Lane.

• Boy how Glass Joe. Tis ending of an era is mos sadder than the ending of Rain Man…

• Damon Albest takes a piss on Live 8 for not being black enuff, while Pink Floyd reunites for the guy who played Pink Floyd and his thing.

• It was destiny that brought them together, but it was… WHO CARES?!?!?

• Peace the fork out MacGyver boss man!

• Christina Aguilera’s music was used to keep Guantanamo Bay prisoners awake. But if they really wanted to torture people, they should juss play the crap on disc that is LCD Soundsystem. AWFULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!

• Amy Sedaris interviews Sam Rockwell. If they ever had children together, it would be the hottiest funny thing ever created since Drexel’s Class.

• Owen Wilson never read the script to Anaconda before arriving on set.

• 60 Mins was a repeat last nite, but that doesn’t mean that Rooney’s take on US coins doesn’t deserve a 2nd look. I would have paid $2 zillion dollars to be there when he was using the Penny Arcade @ Commerce Bank.

• For the last time, Mike D is NOT related to Screech or Neil Diamond

• Quit MESSING with her boobs

• You’re Anus

• The Picture of EVERYTHING

• Hulk Hogan, the animated gif of the gawds [via My Man Marvkus]

• Dead url I’m so spankful for being resurrected: HeatsOfMeat.com

• How To Draw The Nipples Back On Victoria’s Secret Catalog Models Using Adobe Photoshop [via Itzaaa Richie]

• Think Tom Cruise, Senor Speilbergo, and the special effects are the reasons to go see War of the Worlds? Yer more dead wrong then when Neville Chamberlain tried that appeasement crap on a watermelon-crazed maniac. Sure, I heart Miranda HOTTO & Tim Robbins berry mucho much, but this invasion flick should be renamed The Passions of The Dakota Fanning Is Scared: THE MOVIE. Why? Cause she’s 5623655900233 times better an actor than Scientologist Jones could ever be, and she’s only 2 1/2 years old!! Give her 10 years and she’ll have more Oscars than Meyer. + she’s the cutest thing I’ve EVER seen in my entire life. And before you think dirtywise you sick FORKS, I wouldn’t let her sleep in my bed or serve her Jesus Juice (which may or may not explain her shirt below), but I’d love to go and play on the playground with her or eat 6 zillion ice cream sangwhiches with her while watching every single Neverending Story on DVD, even the one with Jack Black. She just plain rules the schools and the shuls. And since I think so THIGHLY of her, I’ve decided to adopt her. I give to you, Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. Just promise to never grow old, up, and awkward like Haley Joel Omeletteeee.

[via DF.org]