Thighs Wide Shut

• Whateverski happened to super-sexslutsky Valerie Perrine??? Did gawd punish her by starring in one of the greatest wurstest movies mt everest, where she’s surrounded by lots of gay men, Steve Guttenberg, AND Bruce Jenner? I guess snot, but she’s purty much warrick dunn nothing of note since then, cept look as scary as finding Margot Kidder sleeping in a cardboard box with no front teeth. So lettuce forget the now and remember WENN. When she used to wear tight clothing in most movies and took it off it the others. WHAT AN ACTRESS!!! So, for your viewing pleasure, I give to you, Val’s Playboy‘s pics, her in a bathtub, in a pool and making one lucky bald guy berry berry happy. Somewhere Gene Hackman is screaming her name while Ned Beatty dreams of Otisburg. [plenty of NSFW above]

• First, how could Nancy O’Dell plan to get married to someone with a last name that isn’t ‘Master’? Second, how come she had a bridal shower and Leeeeza Gibbons was invited, but I wasn’t? Thirdly, how cause Dell computers haven’t come out with a special Nancy O’Dell computer? It would be perfectly tan, mad hot and lean, and would have plenty of buttons that everyone would love to push!

• Brian De Palma is taking a break from being a Hitchcock hack to become a… Brian De Palma hack. C’mon dawg, is an Untouchables prequel really NESS-a-sairy?

• Pink Is The New Scientologist

• What’s the point of a clothed Brande Roderick? I don’t mean to gripe, but I prefer her with grapes. [2nd NSFW]

• Nike apologizes to Minor Threat for their bastardization. What’s next? Keds ripping off Fugazi’s third album cover? I can see it now…

• Can you smell the (stone) roses (reunion)?

• Apparent-lee Dunaway wants young lays before she faye-ds to black.

• I now own two of these. I’m hoping this one’s less itchy than the other one mees gots.

• TWS.org, yer #1 result for ‘jim mora rants‘

• Garfield garfood. Is this what Gar Heard heard?

• HorseHater.blogspot.com [via Anon ‘Famous’ Amos]

• Did Little Mikey of LIFE cereal fame die from the explosive effects of mixing Pop Rocks candy with soda pop?

• Click and drag her [via Dr Falada]

• Lil’ Markie [via My Man Marvelous]

• What Is Cosby?!, a YTMND production that would sure please even the great Peabs Von Peabsenhiemer. [pic from Uncle G-love]

• And will these be the last pics you ever did see of Cuthsplert as the reigning Royal Thighness the II? Maybe a lil too soon to make a call like that, cause girl knows that the jigga’s up, and she’s been on her berry breastest behavior round yers drooly. And by that, I mean she’s been serving me breakfast in bed every morn by covering her bazzingies in veggie cream de la cream cheese and then placing everything bagels (MY FLAV!) on top of dem shmears, which leaves nuttin but her sweet nepals to stick thru the bagel holes. Some say thumcredible. I say greatestist morning ritual since trimming my grundle hair. And come this Thursday morn, flizz will be even better than the real thing as I enjoy my Cuthbert, whilst watching Sharapova take on Venus to see who wins in the battle of the bling.

• What is one grape documentary you know nothing about, and who is one grape artist I wish I knew everything about after giving peepage to the aforementioned doc? In The Realms of the Unreal, which chronicles the life of uber-reclusive uber-imaginative Henry Darger, and his 12-volume, 15,145-PAGE novel that goes by the name The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, as caused by the Child Slave Rebellion, which includes oodles of wondrous paintings, some 10 foot long. It’s like Yellow Submarine meets D’Aulaires’ Book of Greek Myths meets crack meets Gene-by-gene-YES!!! I won’t go in to details cause I want you to eggspeareance the magic 1st hand, but the doc has juss been released on DVD and is co-narrated by MY PRECIOUS Dakota Fanning, so make our family proud and see the damn thang!

• Piglet joins Tigger in PTFOland. The year of Pooh is qwikly turning into the year of boo.

• Rumor has it that Air are working on the soundtrack to Sofia Coppola’s Marie Antoinette flick. If this turns out like the last partnership (Virgin Suicides sdtrk), I’ll be oui ouing in my pants for the next few years. What, you haven’t heard the werd? Well werd up, with a werdless ditty, and d-lode their s’wonderful ‘Dead Bodies‘ off said sdtrk.

• Coldplay AND Basement Jaxx both pay tribute to Kylie at Glasto by covering ‘Can’t Get You Out Of My Head’. I wonder whose version was better? I dunno, cause I heard everyone was too busy napping during Coldplay’s set.

• Pixie & Peaches Geldof, and myself are going to have our own international event this weekend, while daddy runs his. We call it Live8MeOut.

• Jimmy Chamberlin either needs smack money or lunch money

• Anyone else catch Julie Brown (not the downtown one) on this past week’s Six Feet Under?

• Who’s a Towson University grad, openly awesome, and openly gay? Lionel Luther [via Pakula Shaker]

• Gang of Four set to re-record their classics for a new album, and only be-cause I still don’t know who the fork they are or have heard one song they sing.

• ‘I don’t think I’ve ever missed a deadline; I think it would make me physically ill.‘

• This week’s sign that society is over: The first two innings of an actual minor league baseball game in July will be played by two guys on Xbox [via News del Weird]

• I haven’t had a thought (dirty or clean) about Elle MacPherson in four score and seven ages ago. That was until I read that she and her partner Arpad ‘Arkie’ Busson have gone splittsville after 8 years. So know that I’m forced to come up with thoughts, I came up with 2. First: I don’t care if she took a dump on you daily, if yer Elle’s man, you do whatever it takes to keep that shiz in yer life for good. Second: that ’88 SI cover you see to yer right is the last time I cared about their swimsuit issue (this semi-NSFW pic should refresh your jizz). I could never take them serious again after they let Kathy Ireland grace the following year’s cover. Look, I know she’s dope, but she doesn’t do it for me AND she co-starred in a movie with Scott Bakula and Sinbad that was, well, bad. Sure, they let her stand atop Eireland and Rod Stewart’s ole landing strip in ’94, but it was all too late to john woo me back. I had seen the light and moved on. I think some people call it porno.

• What’s very NOT SAFE FOR WORK and is having a dildo thrust upon her? Eve [via Shady H Acres]

• What do you get when you cross the flabbyamyamness of the Mermaid Parade with the eye of the Cobra Snake? This [via Sophie’s Choy]

• Udo Kier is…

• I think Korean kids hate Japan [via Korean BBQard]

• cakes

• The TRUTH About ‘Belgium’ [via MonkeyMan]

• Face Transformer and Face ANALyser [via Cruisepanko]

• Malls of America, when times were simpler and more bootleg…. just how we liked em [via CityRagDoll]

• An alarm clock that wakes you up with the smell and sizzle of cooking bacon

• ROGER MOORE’S FANTABULOUS EYEBROWS [beware of audio via MetaPhil]

• And in clothing, what’s the wurstest kind of porn that isn’t even real porn since animated porn [NSFW]? Girls with cars, stuck, in all kinds of nasty road conditions… like grass, ice, sand, snow, and that dreaded mud. And where can one feed this addiction of girl with cars stuckedness? Why, CarsStickGirls.com duhvs course! You have to czech out each of the sample videos [kinda NSFW]. You wouldn’t bee leave how whoreibblee thumcredible these clips are. The only person it could possible turn on is Daredevil wearing a blindfold! Although I will admit that one bit with a girl in the mud gave me wicked boner flashbacks to when I first saw John Candy wrastle chicks in Stripes. [via Levitticus Finch]

Here be some snaps from last nite’s Freedom From JapanaPorn Fest. I have no idea who most of these people below are, but they were very willing to pose for a photo. [Note to self: figure out how to turn on that anti-redeye feature]

• Meanwhile, Bad Girls author Alex McAulay waxes bout the prospects of Lohag & Duffdiver starring in the movie adaptation.

• Blur suing each other?

• From Popbitch: Noel Gallagher was interviewed by David Walliams in the Observer last weekend, and told a classic story. Liam, apparently, was a huge fan of Spinal Tap. But he thought they were a real band. He was horrified to discover the same actors performing as A Mighty Wind at Carnegie Hall a few years back and, when Noel told him the bad news, shouted “I’m not ‘avin’ that”, and stormed off. And has never watched the film again. And spank the lord they finally played MSG last nite, cause I was gonna jump outta window if I had to read one more stankin article talkin bout how they sold out the place in minutes.

• Stewart Copeland Foos it up

• Mandy Moore to be inducted into the National Lacrosse Hall of Fame!

• Remember the search engine Excite.com? Neither did I til I read this.

• Don Malkemes furthers goal of ‘humping’ actress Kelly MacDonald. Great, but who’s Don Malkemes? UK’s answer to Stephen Malkmus?

• If one person yawns, why does everyone else in the room want to yawn? Related: somebody please stuff her mouth

• Just what I needed: a female Japanese android that wears gloves [via JINR]

• Who has the world’s greatest 404 Error: Page not found? The Sugar Daddy, Mr Poon

• Don’t pass up the chance again to own yer own Freezy Freakies

• Photos of an unknown family who probably owned a liquor store

• Rock, Paper, Saddam! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• Yer YTMDawgnesses of the day: although Grambs hit the mark by matching Racist killer Killen with Uncle Jr, how bout Killen and the Six Flags guy? Or juss for shiz and giggles, a lame Cuthbert & Vader one AND Baloo Jizzes on Tom Cruise, which I could watch for 3 hrs straight… or would that be 3 hrs gay?

• No perspiration this time from Ms Pinder, but still plenty of yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yummy yamness to go round!! OMLORD, I may have to bypass all other Her Royal Thighness the III candidates and juss elect her two redonk bazoombies to the bone throne!!! [most are kinda NSFW]

• Who has consistently produced the best TV special year after year? Thighs down, The American Film Institute. The fun began back in ’98 when they dropped their list of America’s 100 Greatest Movies (if Citizen Kane hadn’t come out on top, you wouldn’t be reading this paragraph). ’99 emitted the tops in his and hers, ’00 got busy like Sean Paul with the laughs, ’01 (the real beginning of the millennium) was absolute-lee thrilling (mainly thinks to Hitchcock, the real Hitch, not that crap with the Fresh Prince and the King of Queens… royalty my A$$!!), ’02 was a bowl of mushy peas, ’03 left out the ugly and went straight for the good and the bad, ’04 made for such sweet music, and we sipped Five Alive in the ’05, while we were totally titillized and thighszed as they rolled out the 100 Best Quotes. [Note: the AFI site was all sorts of fugazied, and hence the other linky-poos] As usual, they were mostly on point like John Negroponte, with a few melon-scratchers here and there (how could ‘There’s no crying in baseball‘ be better than both ‘Heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny‘ AND ‘Get yer hands off me, you damn dirty APE!‘? Time to break out the shotguns Chuck). The only thing that lacks credibility is their selection of on-air talent to gab about the fizz. DL Hughley? Elayne Boosler? Wolfgang Puck? What, was Ebert too busy making love to a box of Jujubes? Anywhozitz, I’d like to throw out a bunch of random quotes that didn’t make the list and mean something especial to meski. The criteria? Anything in my lifetime, meaning from ’77 on (sorry Escape From The Planet of the Apes, but hello Hello Again!!). I’m sure I’m missing some, but I don’t have all day to write about crap… although I’m sure u spank otherwise.

‘In honor of our special guest, I’ve created dinner mon dieu — including Frahnch fries… Frahnch dressing… and Frahnch bread. And to drink Pay-roo‘ – Jenny Meyer, Better Off Dead

‘Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!‘ – Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

‘Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.‘ – Walter Sobchak, The Big Lebowski

‘Man, we ain’t found shit!‘ – Henchman, Spaceballs

‘Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!‘ – Joseph, Kindergarten Cop

‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.‘ – Jules, Pulp Fiction

‘Maggots, Michael. You’re eating maggots.‘ – David, The Lost Boys

‘Bring me everyone. What do you mean “everyone”? EVERYONE!!’ – Norman Stansfield and Benny, The Professional

‘Don’t f#ck with the babysitter!‘ – Chris, Adventures In Babysitting

‘Shall we play a game?‘ – Joshua, the computer, WarGames

‘How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?‘ – Uncle Rico, Napoleon Dynamite

‘It was f%ckin’ obvious that cunt was gonna fuck some cunt.‘ – Begbie, Trainspotting

‘On how good your manners are… and how big your pocketbook is… – Dexter Jettster, Episode III

‘Is this something you can share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?‘ – Pee Wee, Pee Wee’s Big Adventure

‘Grow up, Heather. Bulimia’s so ’87.‘ – Heather Chandler, Heathers

‘Pull the string! Pull the string!‘ – Bela Lugosi, Ed Wood

‘I’m gonna go get the papers, get the papers.‘ – Jimmy Two Times, Goodfellas

‘Mrs. Peacock was a man?‘ – Mr Green, Clue

‘I don’t care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we’re gonna be winners.‘ – Coach Norman Dale, Hoosiers

‘Pyle, you climb obstacles like old people f#ck.‘ – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket

‘Better to be king for a night than a schmuck for a lifetime.‘ – Rupert Pupkin, The King of Comedy

‘Sugar Mr. Poon? No, never, NEVER!‘ – Stanton Boyd’s secretary and Fletch F Fletch, Fletch

‘What the fuck’s a frush?‘ – Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

‘And the capital of Nebraska is Lincoln.‘ – Announcer, Kentucky Fried Movie

• Gorillaz to do a REAL tour this November. Now the problem be that we probably have to get our a$$es to Manchester in order to see em.

• Eggman, aka Billy Corgan, desperately wants attention/to reform the Pumpkins. I say fine, but only if he doesn’t turn all the nice bits into screamy bits onstage.

• Jennifer Ellison fractured her collar bone. Don’t panic, the breasts are still OK. [sorta NSFW, cause her boobs are so big]

• W. Mark Felt felt it was time to cash in on his deep thrizzle. No doubt a movie is happening, but why does Tom Hanks have to play him?

• Peep the vid for best song off Beck’s uneven Guero, ‘Girl‘. Shiz reminds me of MAD Magazine‘s backpage Fold–Ins.

• How come the BVegan is doing a better job updating us on Siren Fest’s line-up than the site itself?

• CMJ Music Marrython to be held Zeptember 14-17

• Don’t be scared Jean Claude Van Dame Dakota Fanning the I of Thighland. I’ve adopted you and took you under my wing so you’d be safe from all the crazies out there.

• Maria Sharapova Eating A Banana

• Return to normalcy/hottacy?

• Radio Memories

• NYC Subway Mosaics

• How could the webmaster of Fakedrpepper.com let the domain expire?

• Mother Gave Permission Slip For Man To Have Sex With Girl AND Police Release Photo Showing Teen Impaled On Fence [vias Newz O Da Weird]

• This is N%gga Stole My Bike thing has complete-lee gotten outta lo-hand: N!gga Stole My Bubble Bobble, N$gga Stole My Yoshi, N@gga Stole Carnegie Hall, N#gga Stole My Price Is Right Game, and flubvs course, DOS Stole My Bike. Whatever u do, juss stay away from YTMND 2. Your brain may eggsplode.

• Keds has run outta ideas with their Mischa B campaign. Or maybe that Jodie Foster kid whore look is back in fashion and no one told me about it. Its still hottier than her kissing Anakin Skyloser. But not as thumcredbile as this pic…

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• Me thinks me teachers (pre-school thru IU) were on to something when the forced me to read books. I was never much of a reader (all free time was reserved for Nintendo, bags of Utz, and masuerbatin), and most of the time, the assignments were tres torturous (Mark Twain, Maya Angelou, and the mc-bane of my eggsistance, Johnny Tremain), but there were always dustin diamonds in the rough. For had it not been for them and their curriculums, Orwell’s 1984 and Ellison’s Invisible Man (which I 1st thought was about a professor turning himself invisible) may have never graced my list of all thyme besteteses bookages (next to Sendak’s Chicken Soup with Rice). Once the edu-ma-cation ended, I was left to my own (sexual torture) devices to figure out what kind of books I would be reading for the rest of my daze. After a few missteps, I’ve finally fingered out what words whet my eyeballs: books that became great movies, anything about a future dystopian society, and Kurt Vonnegut(witcha). Everything else I’ve peeped in between has been decent, but nothing too memorable. That is until, duhvs course, I read John Kennedy Toole’s UNRELIEVABLE novel to end all novels, A Confederacy of Dunces. I’m no literary textpert folks, but I’d say if you dig the alienation of Salinger and whimsy of Vonnegut, you’ll find yerself in good hands here with Toole’s prose. If I had a pen on me whilst turning the pages, I probably would have written ‘LOL’ all over my body 14 times over. Our protagonist and savior of the 20th century, Ignatius J Reilly was rated the 17th bestest character in fiction, but in my humble mumbler opinion, the brother is #1. Maybe cause I see a lot of myself in him. Cept I change my bedsheets and I’d never read philosophy. So if you haven’t had the pleasure of thumbing thru the pages, I’m truly, madly, deeply jealous of you. I wish I could read it again for the 1st time, but without some shock-therapy and a time machine, this is more of an impossibility than Oprah going off the air. My only wish is that they never make ‘an abortion’ of a movie from this fine work. I juss wouldn’t want anything to tarnish my newfoundland love for something that culminates with the final word ‘mustache’. Effin brills.

• White Stripes, as eggspected, expanded their upcoming tour. They, along with the Shins & Brendan Benson, will hit up Coney Island’s killer Cyclone Park on Zeptember 24 & 25. Which puts me in a pickle: dem shows or Austin City Limits? I know it sounds like a no brainer, but like Pops, gotta have my Stripes.

• The shark has been jumped, EW has a blog. Please head for the shores.

• Supergrass will drop their 5th joint, Road to Rouen, this August. While we wait, here’s a nifty Micky Quinn ani gif.

• A Da Vinci masterpiece once was lost, but now it’s found. [via Synapage]

• Eleanor’s dog once was lost, but now he’s found.

• If Jason Mulgrew is the most eligible bachelor in the blogosphere, what does that make me?

• Lohag sports the ‘Hungry Like A Wolf’ look for her b-day party.

• Lodes of free summer flicks for Bostonians

• I can’t decide who’d I rather bone

• What’s that flying from Paris’ pants?

• Michael Jackson’s trail woulda been a lot cooler if it ended like this

• Always late to the party, but anywho: watch Tom Cruise get jizzed on [totally SFW]

• But did u know that Tom killed Oprah? [b-ware of sound]

• Batman peoples, if you ever think of including Harley Quinn in a future flick, may I recommend Ms. Bellucci and her two amici…