Thighs Wide Shut

Although the exact date is Augusto 22nd, the Family Thighmaster celebrated in lavish style the 40th Annie Verse Airy of our Toni Morrison Beloveded rents this past weekend. And by linda lavish, I mean a non-stop eating egggstravganza (Popeyes AND sadly KFC at Pa’s request, salami and eggs, cheesecake, steaks, movie popcorn, pork chops, more salami, Laffy Taffy, olives, etc), topped off with a performance by our next door neighbor the Dink, some frisbeeingness, row boating, more eating, and the sirprize that would make any parents love their children that much more: watching 8mm videos from the late 60s to the early 80s on a deluxe edition 2-DVD set created (or authored, as we say in the industry that unemployed me) by yers drooly, complete with cheesy music that only my mum would love (John Fogerty, Tom Petty, Kool and the Gang, Frankie Valli, and Cat Stevens… although Mum admitted she can’t stand him… muss be the Yusef Islam shiz bugging her). It was so franztastic to spend the whole weekend wit em, and hear for the 49214956767890th time how they met and fell in love. But all that really matters is that they had sex and created such thumrcredible things, like my siblings, meself, and squash souffle. Ma and Pa, you are the most important, giving, loving, genuine, chillarious, honest, phun, and beautiful twosome I know. Don’t ever change, don’t ever get divorced, and don’t you EVER never never ever die. I’ve already got a spot for you both in a frozen six-pack alongside Walt Disney, Ted Williams, and two boxes of Gorton’s fish sticks.

• Whatta twosome part twosome: Stan Lee & The Best Albino

• Whatta twosome part threesome: Courtney Love & Steve Coogan, are they or aren’t they? Doesn’t take much to see that the realtionship of two little people don’t amount to a hill of Francis beans in this crazy world.

• Related: Weird Names of Music Performer’s Children

• Whattta boresome part onesome: ZzzzZzzz and Zzzzzzzzz go zzzzzing, again

• Whatta more gruesome twosome than Ozzie Newsome and Ozzie Smith: Lohag the I Wurstest I and the answer to the age fold question, what’s got two thumbs and likes to f*ck?, this guy

• Whatta jizzum from a twosome part sweet16teensome: Here/hear t.A.T.u.’s latest jingle ‘All About Us‘. At first it kind o’ sucks wurse than Necco wafers, then when you hear it 7teen more times and the next thing you know, your pants are magically around your ankles. But where’s the Russian-language version that I’m sure sounds much more faux-lesbionic? [via Fid Diddler]

• Casey Affleck turns 30, pees

• Pinder [kinda NSFW] + whatever Celebrity Love Island is = where’s the first boat to whatever Celebrity Love Island is?!

• Me need this. Anyone know where on interwebs one could such interwebbedsthisness?

• The Dandies play CBGB’s Zeptember 14th as a part of CMJ. Think Anton Newcombe will be there? Not even if they were the last Dandies on earth! [via Veggie Boy]

• Travis wants to know what a ‘Wonderwall’ is anyway, but they needn’t bother asking Noel

• Don’t flatter yerself Marky Mark, cause I’m sure Kubrick would rather work with Anthony Michael Hall than you.

• Madness let their roots grow on their new shiz, The Dangermen Sessions Volume One, available in stores Tuesday. So when be US tour??#!??E~#

• Blur – ‘ This Is A Low’ [d-lode]

• North Cacalackers pray for Charlotte Church… maybe cause she’s so G-A-Y

• Peep pics of me and various other peepholes standing in line to see a FREE screening of Stealth. You’ll notice I was all smiles BEFORE I saw the movie. Then…

• Feeping of, free tix for NYCBOSDCCHIers to re-see Master & Commander this week

• See cat jump

• What’s the 36th result when searching for an image of ‘thighs’? The corniest snap you ever did see!

• Why do sitcoms have laugh tracks?

• The guy who invented CTRL-ALT-DEL SPEAKS!! [via Vie King]

• Man’s Testicles Snared In A Padlock For Two Weeks [via Ceffle]

• And recently I Netflixed the brills 9 Academy Award nominated Sydney Pollack joint, They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? It’s about a depression era dance marathon endurance contest, where peoples were so fargin poor that they’d actually endure 40+ days of dancing/slowly moving (with lil to no rest) just to win a couple thous. Some contestants would go insane or literally drop dead. And the mos chilling part of it all is that it really farging happened [a great read for the shitter]! Anywho, the flick starred Jane Fonda, some fella named Gig Young (who won the only statue for Best Supporting Actor), Red Buttons, Bruce Dern, Susannah York, Grampa Al Lewis, and a quite young and fetching Bonnie Bedelia (althoughski her character was preggers and always in pain). I hadn’t thought much of Double B since her days as Holly Gennero McClane, but was purty darn glad to have my memory refreshed (CTRL-‘R’) by her subtle hotness in this fyne piece o’ cinema. Of course the next stop down any memory lane requires a bit of intersleuthing. The results weren’t as grand as I had hoped, but finding some les ghetto olde nakkid snaps of her was mos certainly not a bad thing. I couldn’t find a pictogram of her from Horses, but here’s a nice lil one of her looking as sassssy as ever! MeOWlia Bedelia!!

Hear me know rude boys, cause word has it that although the Borat movie is so nick goings on (which makes my shlong grow long), there will NOT BE A THIRD SEASON OF DA ALI G SHOW. H-Boooo-O!!!! This be the mos bratWURSTESTiest news since the announcement of The Wicker Man remake… although I am intrigued that Neil LaHateswoman is helming it… although I don’t see him being able to top Britt Ekland topless [NSFW-duhness] or Christopher Lee’s hair…

Mrs. Goodbar had to go and czech out on us, unlike Dunston. Hope she found Mr. G before he found out about her affair with Mr. Pibb.

• England braces for a future filled with a bit of the old ultraviolence. I assume bowler hat sales will also skyrocket.

• Semi-relatedishness: MAD Magazine’s sorta not funny A Clockwork Orange parody AND this

• Yankees fans, still stoopid after all these years

• Potter kids, NOT gay

• Did Shelly ask Leo permission to do this?

• Free screenings for Alba Gets Wet and Unfunny: The Movie

• NSFWishness Randomness [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• And sorry about all the things I said the other day tush, cause you know I still hearts you like mad. Hope you aint pissed and all red like that square in yer home country. So juss raise your hand if you still want to bone me seventween ways from Sunday…

For those who care, HRT the III is chasing the #1 ranking in tennis. Howevski, she may want to focus her attention and killer bod to Thighman’s ladies rankings. With a lack of interesting gossip or endless FHM spreadedness, she’s slowly moving down on my lists of things to do, next to helping the homeless and shaving my grundle hair. And her loss means that someone else is gaining. Sure, Charlotte Church makes me want to jazz all over her steeples, and Pinder makes me want to buy these large balloons and make me caress them as if they were here meloncollies, but there’s one girl that I juss can’t get outta my right said head. And it doesn’t help that she keeps popping up on that shitstain of a show that I can’t stop watching, Craptourage. Her name be Mandy Moore, and I want to so get funky and Chunky with her and stick my spoon into her Dinty Moore beef stew poon tang clan. I mean, CHECK OUT THEM CANS!!!

• For those of you who heart Ebony, but not Ivory, we feel you pain

• For those who love the Arcade Fire, yer gonna love this [via Vegan]

• For those who want to see Falkor’s sister’s nip slip again, click here [NSFW]

• For those who live in NYC and want to see Brian Wilson for FREE at Jones Beach this Saturday, email me

• For those who loathe ‘Walking In Memphis’ as much as me, this is still the wrong way to show your displeasure

• For those of you who like midgets, hot hipsters, and the Archdukes, click away! [via ASF]

• For those who bought Dog Condoms, beware, there is a recall [via MetaPhil]

• And for those about to rawk, we salute your shorts

[above pic is NSFW]