Thighs Wide Shut

The Squid and The Whale
A Divorce Is a Divorce, Of Course, Of Course!
View Trailer

Bar none, one, of, THE, best, films, I, have, seen, all year!!! Everything about TS&TW is so darn commendable, that I’d almost offer a money-back guarantee, but alas I am semi-funemployed, and can’t even keep up with my own Magic Shell addiction. As with the Constant Gardner, this is ‘purty much as perfect as perfect can get‘. The only blip on the radar of negativity is that the ending may be a bit too unfulfilling for some. But everything else is more gold than a Simon Ammann ski jumping celebration (sorry, but I could not find the video of him yelping ‘YAAA GOLD!!’), hispecially: Jeff Daniel’s beard, Anna Paquin reprising her 25th Hour role, William Baldwin as a philistine, Jesse Eisenberg’s awkward relationship with Sophie Greenberg and her freckles, Jesse Eisenberg criticizing books he’s never read, Jesse Eisenberg thievery of Pink Floyd, Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates’ son sorta paying homage to Judge Reinhold’s self-reliefdom in Fast Times at Ridgemont High (I think they even used the same Cars song, but don’t quoth me raven on that), being shot on location in the Slope (former home to the Thigh Master for 2 years), the cast’s vibrant wardrobe that any hipster would DIY for, and mos importantly, a killer killer killer soundtrack that is killer. I know the info I’ve supplied isn’t much to go on, but yer gonna have to truss me and the Rotten Tomato meter on this one.

Recommended for those who like: parking in Park Slope, Ilie Nastase, and things that are Kafkaesque

Possible Porno Name: The Squid IN The Whale

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Royal Tenenbaums, which is =ally as brills, but more of a unrealistic, idealized TS&TW with Adidas track suits

Further Fun: visit the real squid and the whale

Bee Season
Wabbit and Duck Season Have Some Competition!!
View Trailer

If yer looking for a simple heartwarming story about kids, parents, and the ultimate goal of winning large at the Scripps Howard Spelling Bee, then feel free to czech out Spellbound, or hold off, if you can, for Akeelah. But if you desire something a bit more complex and spellbinding (had to use it cause it’s kinda punny), then get yer a$$ to the theater and see Bee Season. The bees here serve as a backdrop for the real drama, a gorgeous family on the surface who’s slowly being torn apart by favoritism, kleptomania, and religion. And what a family it is, consisting of pushy Jewish mysticism professor Richard Gere (doing his usual great work as… Richard Gere), his distant and delusional wife Juliette Binoche (who I always get confused with Julia Ormond, who did appear in First Knight with Gere-head), their heavily eyebrowed lost souled son Max ‘Anthony’ Minghella, and the queen bee glue who keeps them all together, Flora Cross, who chips in the greatest child performance I’ve seen since Dakota’s work in I Am Sam. To BEE bluntly honest, I wasn’t eggspecting much from a movie all about a lil cleft-chinned girl and the letters that spewed from her mouth. So it came to me as a great sirprize that we not only get the pronunciation, definition, use in a sentence, and the language origin of words, but how they define us as who we are and our place in universe. Did I mention that Kate Booozeworth is it and it doesn’t B-L-O-W?

Recommended for those who like: kaleidoscopes, Joe Isuzu in Airplane, and Kabbalah, without all that infedel Madonna red string bs

Possible Porno Name: On Your Knees Season

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Pi

Further Fun: How well can you spell? + IMDB ruins the ending of the movie by simply listing the cast and the roles they played

The Passenger
Stop This Train, I Want To Get Off
View Trailer

After taking in this udder borefest, where I witnessed three old ladies walk out, while crust was forming over my eye lids, all I can say is WHY WAS THIS SNOOZE-O-RAMA WORTHY OF A RE-RELEASE? Sure, it’s got Jack right in the prime of his career, and sure it was helmed by the dude that brought us Blow-Up, but isn’t that one of the most overrated movies you’ve ever did done seen with a hyphen in it? So sayeth me!! And I still can’t believe how uninteresting it was considering the plot revolved around Jack switching identities with a dead man, assuming his role as an arms dealer, while running all over the most scenic parts of western Europe, and finding time to fall in love with a free spirited gal. But all of that is lilo and stitched together with zero suspense, zero thrills, zero chills, and zero NOTHING… not even enuff nudity to make any movements in yer pants!! And don’t even get me started on that much ballyhooed 7-minute tracking shot that closes the movie. It is mos def technically brilliant, but like the movie as a whole, is juss so darn gratuitous and pointless. I agree with the old dude who sat behind me as the closing credits started to roll, ‘Thank gawd.’

Recommended for those who like: Antonio Gaudi, that evil dude from Beverly Hills Cop, and that hairy bizatch Brando poon-tangoed with in Paris [NSFW]

Possible Porno Name: The Passage-intomyanus-r

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Talented Mr Ripley

Further Fun: Top 5 Tracking Shots

…until next time, the balcony is clothed

Wud up wit the whoreingness ways of The Kid, as seen in our logo? He’s not only the face of The American Undershirt (now d-funct), but apparently has been moonlighting as the poster child of evil incarnate over at Family.org. Is he not satisfied with the life contract he signed with Thighs Wide LLC? Has he been consorting with superjerkagent Drew Rosenhaus? I even got em a date with Van Dame Dakota Fanning and this is the spanks he gives me? Look kid, like all the Ladies of Thighs, you too could get yer walking papers at any minute I’m drinking Minute Maid. So shape up or ship shup or shavel shnazle Shavlik Randolph. And that can mean only two things. One: INVASION. And Two: Paris Hilton is the 5th coming of HER ROYAL THIGHNES?#?!@#??@$ [via Alfie and Warwick Davis the III]

• CC the IV could not be reached for comment cause she was too busy appearing in fake NSFW photoshopness

• Ms Dunst and The NY Times are the latest to join the largest growing ultra gay ultra stencil font using political group: The Pink Party. Just don’t eggspect Andy Rooney to log on anytime soon… or to hang out with ‘negros’ either

• Gaius Julius Caesar loves fine women and wine, and offing Palestinian terrorists, with the help of his Hebraic buddies, the Hulk and 007… as seen in the FIRST Spielbergo Munich trailer

• Spiders have all the luck

• The skimpy black apron thingie kinda makes up for the overspraytannedness

• Lowell, the Sandman [via Pakula Shaker]

• Chances are it’s not going to be “up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start.” …and at least it’s not Just Like Heaven: The RPG

• Why does my body jerk when I’m falling asleep?

• Why do I jerk off before I fall asleep?

• Free passes to Lord of the Rings Lite and Lame Ass Pseudo Graduate sequel

• Since I was wrong dead wrong about the odds I set last week, I’m going to go ahead and ruin the ending of Jarhead for ya: ‘Jesus Walks’ plays over the closing credits… review 4thcummin

• The Ali G NBA spots

• Speaking of… BestAdsOnTv.com

• The Ultimate Movie Meal Menu

• Almost more eggciting than a game of Ironman Ivan Stewart’s Super Off Road

• Miss McDonald, E-I-E-I-OMG

• And in clothing, SCLAPPY PAPPYpapsmear BURSTDAY TO ME!! Give me gifts and maybe I’ll add you to my Guy Fawkes Day greeting card distribution list next year. If not, fork you and the horse you banged last weekend. Anywhozits, enjoy these here pics of Winnie Cooper in Leia Episode IV gear…

I don’t like to toss around terms like ‘anally raped by fist covered in Crisco’ or ‘back alley abortion with wire hangers covered in Crisco’, but I don’t know how else to express in werds what happened to the Redskins in front of mine very own eyes at the Ghettolands yesterday. Thamks to Megbot, I had the bestest seats my ass has ever enjoyed (40 yd line, 30 rows up), but it was probably the biggest waste of my time since I voted for John Kerry in a heavily democratic state, or when I attempted to make chicken pot pie, with pot. Korny may have it write, but I’m still a believer… until they’re officially eliminated from the payoff picture… which for once, may actually occur on the final week of the season.

• I’ve given up on my search for Wayne Fontes, so I can focus my attentions on the disappearance of Yancey Thigpen. Btw, did anyone ever see him in the same room as Tupac?

• There’s boviously something rotten in the state of Denmark or in the brains of the 2 coaches who gave Oral Roberts a vote on USA Today/ESPN’s pre-season Top 25 poll. I suspect Tevester Anderson and Ron ‘Fang’ Mitchell are the two in question, and they may also be CIA operatives. Don’t blame this leak on me, just plame it on the rain.

• And in our final sportsish related topic of the day, my dearest brother-in-law, Davey “Brickhouse” MadeofBrawnsteen, finished in 5th place at the Verizon VoiceWing Battle at Union Jack’s in Bethesda, MD, by wolfing down 2.5 lbs of wings in 10 minutes. Snatchurally the Black Widow took top prize, but she better watch her back for Davey poo, who’ll soon climb his way up the ladder of excess. I hactually signed up for the contest myself, but since I was chosen as an alternate I decided to go to the Skins game instead. Probably the 14th wurst call of my life.

• The last things I want to think about when RFK’s assassination comes to mind is The Mighty Ducks, nip-slips [NSFW], and Shia LaBeouf

• The Wu-Tang Clan Andy Rooney aint nuttin to f$%k wit… and although I’m sure he never rides the subway, I bet he’s no fan of Dr. Zizmor

• I’ll set the odds at 30 to 1 that Kanye’s ‘Jesus Walks’ doesn’t even appear in the movie Jarhead, but all bets are off on a HRT the IV and Gavin engagement

• Pilgrims are flocking by the singles to the new Mecca, Long Island’s sole remaining Roy Rogers. And if this supposed resurgance fails, and the LI becomes the last remaining RR on earth, I smell a comeback for Bogdanovich in the vein of his brills The Last Picture Show. Maybe he’ll get Cybil to bare breasts again [NSFW], but this time in the name of holster fries and fixin bars.

• Link I never wanted to click on, but did because I needed an eggscuse to slit my eyes out: The Very Best of Jena Malone (Schoolgirl See Thru+Nips)

• And to help ease the pain of clicking the above link, here’s a pic of Double K… doing something, inside a limo, with her mouth, and sorta showing us her sorta chest…

• Free passes to I wish I knew how to quit you THE MOVIE

• The Village Voice: 50 Years/50 Covers

• Are there inbred families in the Ozarks/Appalachians like in Deliverance?

• DougEddingsIsADouche.blogspot.com [via Sox Hater #1]

• I was back in the VT last week, and the only thing I love more than the free cookies I gets from the DoubleTree hotel, and their fumcredible fall foliage…

…is eating my weight in hamburgers, shakes, fries, and fried chicken at Al’s French Frys has much has humanly possible. It’s steadily moving up the ranks on my long retired list of ‘Places To Eat B4 U Die’. Be there, or be thin!!!

And my email acct decided to erase most of the messages in my inbox, so if you entered our Supergrass Super Mark Duper contest, or if you still want to enter, all you have to do is answer the following three questions and she-male me wit yer name and address.

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins‘ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

Schlappy 4th B-day
to
Pardon the Interruption
Probably the most creative, consistent, and insightful news program running on television today (sorry Anderson Cooper). If you aint TiVo or DVRing it daily by now, you must either have fur between your legs or subscribe to this. And if you aint makin Tony, Michael, and Stat Boy pumpkins this year, then you probably don’t have hands.

• HRT the IV and Eyebrows Gallagher are possibly teaming up in the name of Pepsi. Spencer said it best when he said he said, ‘Funny, we always took Liam for more of a Coke-man.‘

• Meg White set to finally cash in on all those unused paid vacation days

• Mischa Barfon demands to make as much money as she has calories in her body

• Andy Rooney takes on bottle water, and the globe still spins

• Apple Martin will eventually make all of her classmates jealous rockin a Michael Stipe lunchbox

• Never forget Clint Malarchuk and his throat

• Matt Lionheart = best player of any sport of all times in any country of the world or america or the unverse or the soler sytsem or all of Calfornia rolled up into one!!

• Ron Weasley breaks fashion faux pas #1,972: never wear an ironic golf related tee when golfing

• America is the new Kashyyyk

• Jeff ‘The Dude’ Dowd abides with Latino families replacing It’s A Wonderful Night with The Big Lebowski as their Christmas movie of choice.

• Nobody celebrates Hispanic Heritage Month like the Wolfpack! [via My Man Marvkus]

• Some will see Zathura for free, while the rest of us won’t see it at all!

• WTF NSFWness [via Cubes]

• And lastly, I have no comment on Jamie-Lynn Spears’ starring role in Gak To The Future

[More]

YIKES!

Heir Tomorrow?

• Bill Berry plays with the other three R.E.M.ers for only the 2nd time since he retired, and the first time in a bowling alley, all in the name of guitar tech Dewitt Burton’s wedding. [via Navi the Terrible]

• Amy Sedaris lends her pipes to Shrek 3 and her ‘looks’ to EW, while Warner Indy-pen-dance decides NOT to release her Strangers With Candy big screen adventure.

• Meg White, never lonely

• The Billy Goat Tavern, home to Cheezborger (x3), No Pepsi… Coke, and the pre-Bartman Cubs Curse, has opened it’s first non Illi-noize lo-cal: Warshington, DC. Hopefully they won’t curse the Nats, more than the Expos already have.

• It’s like one of those pens where the you tilt it and the lady’s top comes off, but like with more chicks, and like even more bush [NSFWness via Mustard King of Clevetown]

• D.M.P. delves into one of the greatest mysteries of our time: the Classmates.com couple

• Made-up words in The Simpsons [via DataDazzler]

• What’s up with Ron’s eyes?

• Walk – Don’t Walk, THE CHAIR! [via Double V]

• Dreamer? More like Nightmarer

[via YCMIU]