Thighs Wide Shut

French President Jacques Chirac denies a report that he wanted to be casting director of da Da Vinci Code. Good thing he’s waSNOT, cause although I have no issue with his choice of Sophie Marceau [NSFW] as the French bird who may or may not be the direct descendant of the woman banged the man that was part of the immaculate conception and/or the man who had the immaculate reception, there was no effin no way any of us would ever never ever buy our winged ami Astérix as Harvard professor of Religious Symbology Robert Langdon. Stoopid Frenchies and their mustard. They think cause the made some decent movies in the 50s and 60s that they can tell us how to cast OUR crappy box office fiascos!!! Stick to yer Gerard DipinPOO and stuff and frog legs and that joke in Trading Places where that guys punches the line: “Look at that ‘S’ Car Go!”

• In what is sure to be a first AND last: a Lohag film to open a festival

• Meg, no matter what you do, Jack won’t take you back [via Ms Mod]

• Why would Señor ever touch Mary Poppins? There aint no aliens or Jews involved!

• The Sopranos Season 6 teaser trailer is about as eggciting as watching Tony Soprano watch TV (aka Season 5)

• Who said the gov-mint wasn’t cool? They juss added Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Toy Story, Hoop Dreams, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Cool Hand Luke, The French Connection, and 19 others to the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry!! Howevski, please don’t confuse 1929’s H20 with 1998’s HBoooO… btw, much belated peace the fudge out to Moustapha Akkad and his daughter, victims or jerkassedness

• A review of the G.I. Joe movie script… sadly, a Shipwreck appearance may have to wait for the sequel: G.I. JOE 2: Brokeback Ocean’s 69

• I guess humping my leg isn’t as memorable as meeting Josh Madden

• Stereogum, king of the ‘Yupsters’?

• Every film going fwd should contain the same plot keywords as La Niña Santa

• Soon to be Super Bowl MVP, Clinton Portis and his many costumes [via Ivan the 20850er]

• Gotta 7’7 friend with a b-day coming up? Bid on Manute Bol’s warmup pants and jersey [via Guns N Rosenthal]

• Pinder is ‘Easy’ and loves soccer + a good slap on der a$$ + actually looks decent when her boobs are covered up!

• It’s CRIMINAL that someone swiped ThighsWideShut in MySpace land [via T Bakes]

• Bestest Cliff Engle sweater that I’m too fat to bid on!!!!

• Can a live person be packed in a shipping crate and mailed?

• Jared Fogel wants to talk dirty to you [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

• Nate, where’s the male camel toe? [via Ceffle]

• The 30 Best Names in College Basketball [via Gorilla Man]

• You don’t have to be a Spanish lingusistical persona to understand what’s goin on here [via Lunar Baby]

• The 100 Most Annoying Things of 2005

• Amazing Alizee [via Seppo]

• And for you unlucky rubber soles sistahs who didn’t receive a HOLIDAUKKAH Greeting Card from 1st Family of Thighs, I wanna show ya what you missed…

Pee es – Shofar, 2006 is the greatest year MT EVEREST!!!! EVERYONE PLEASE HELP TO ENSURE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS LIKE DEATH OR MORE STEVEN SODERBERGHHSH MOVIES OR RETURN OF CLOONEY’S NECKBEARD OR OTHER STOOPID THINGS THAT MAY OR MAY NOT BE STUFF OR THINGS!!! THINGS!!!

Pee es II – Me and a small shady crew are headed to Bloomington, IN this weekend. If you find me like Waldo (or Wally if yer a personage of Britishness) I’ll buy you a cookie or THINGS!!!

Munich
Isra(ising h)el(l)
View Trailer

There are three types of Señor Spielbergo movies. The first, for which most identify him with, are the fun fantasy adventures (E.T., Indy Jones, Close Encounters). The second group, for lack of better words, are schmaltz-fest ’87s. Unfortch for us, it is this last genre that he has chosen to embellish (see The Terminal) in this early part of the 21st century (so far, WURST CENTURY EVER!). Even the ones that appeared to fit under the ‘fun fantasy adventures’ label, like War of the Worlds, ended up being overly cheesy and less captivating than a Kate Capshaw movie. And the last group contains his most important, mostest brilliant works out of his entire oeuvre: the historical document. Isn’t it safe to say that SS’ses two mos bestest mos vital movies without question are Schindler’s List and Saving Private Ryan (which begat the greatest porn title of bALLLs time: Shaving Ryan’s Privates!)? Well guess what, Munich is easily #3, and although may not have the gravitas of the other two, may actually be a more intense and fascinating picture. I mean, how many times are you gonna throw S’s List into yer DVD player again?

Yessurreybobbarker! The Señor is back, in a well welcomed return to form. In a year where question raising political thrillers (Syriana, Paradise Now, The Constant Gardner) are top dog, Munich is the top of the tops. There’s so much to applaud that I’d have to start 7 blogs juss to go into it. Although my dad found it a bit boring, and mumsy said it ‘isn’t her kinda movie’, I was hooked lined and sinkered from frame one til frame 48168764432628896, when it ended and I darted out to go pee. The only real problem is that it seems Señor doesn’t know how to end it or if he even wants to end his picture. There are almost more places for an ending than a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Before I ramble on with a can of Ramblin’ I’d juss like to point out four bits of Munich awesomeness:

1) A majority of the main actors playing Jews are not Jewish at all (cept Avner’s fly-arsed Semitic wifey and our bombmaker pal who directed the bestest French movie of the past 20 years: La Haine), and despite the fact of their non-Kosher-saltynessness they is udderly franztatsic at playing Jews!!! I was totally sold on the performances by the Jewish Caesar (who needs to be in every movie EVER!!!), the Jewish Bond, the Jewish Marquis de Sade, and the man who runs the show and steals it too, the Jewish Hulk. Yer all welcome at my Seder table any time!

2) While the plot revolves around the weighty ethical practices and implications of an ‘eye for an eye’ philosophy, the mos enticing part of it all is the cat and mouse espionage slant, hispecially when the cat becomes the mouse. Not to be confused Art Spiegelman’s Maus

3) Although a fictional account of actual events, Munich makes a perfect companion piece and follow-up to One Day In September (probably one of the mos well done docs me hath ever seenaged). Kudos galore to the bueno Señor who didnt bog down his film with all the details of the actual Olympic massacre that were already captured by the media’s lens, but instead dramatizing the bits that were not caught by any camera at all: the actual storming of the athletes apartment, the struggle inside, and the melee at the airport.

4) Dude, there are boobs, in a Spielbergo movie!!!

GO SEE THIS NOW!!! Cause you may end up havin sum Close Encounters of the Bestesist Kind!

Recommended for those who like: Amelie’s man, Lola’s man, and everyone’s man, Eric Bana, cause men want to be him and women AND men want to do him

Possible Porno Name: München Box

Unsatisfied with this? Go back and Netflix One Day In September again, unless you never did it in the first place, and if that’s the case, you boviously should have yer balls stomped on by the person sitting closest to you as you read this. Or for those who thurst fo even mo, why not N’flix Sword of Gideon which looks like a low-rent version of Munich. Peep the trailer

Further Fun: Visit the Olympic Park, the Olympic Village, and the site of the massacre, which now are apartments | FACT: Men’s Handball made it’s first Olympic appearance + Archery returned after a 52 year absence at the ’72 Summer Games | My dad totally sported the Mark Spitz porn stache in the 70s AND 80s, did yours?

Breakfast On Pluto AND Transamerica
Kriss-Kross Dressin’ AND Bobbitcisions
View Trailer: Pluto | Trans

Tis a bit unfair that I’m lumping these two tranny flicks together, considering they’re both peepage worthy, but honestly, I don’t have time to write two separate reviews that basically cover the same ground + I’d rather write more about Jews killing people. Anywho, Pluto is about a transvestite in 70s Ireland searching out his/her past, and Transam ’bout a soon to be a full-on transsexual trekking across America with a son he/she didn’t realize he/she had. Both kinda start up slow, but start to pick up in the 2nd act on its way to a fulfilling finale. While I favor Neil Jordan’s Pluto out of the two due to the fact there’s much more going on, Transam is still worth the trip to the uniplex. Both lead performances, Cillian Murphy as Patrick ‘Kitten’ Brady and Felicity Huffman as Stanley ‘Bree’ Osbourne, deserve O-noms. I mean, if Charlize can ugly it up in a mediocre flick and come out golded, then either of these mens/ladies should surely get a shot at it too. Again, I favor Cillian’s work, who’s havin one heck of a year (he outshined Batman in Begins as Scarecrow), in Pluto over Lynette Scavo’s in Transam, cause for me, C-Mur had the bigger challenge than Dirty Huff did, who simply had to lower her voice and not wear make-up, which sorta brought out her mannish looking self. If I someone doesn’t start paying me to write movie reviews, I’m gonna have a Transitny Strike!!!

Recommended for those who like: the androgyny HNotness of Jaye Davidson, Bryan Ferry with a pencil thin mustache, and this NSFWness

Possible Porno Name: Breakmyass With Your Platonic Cock AND Wet Hot Transamerican Cummer

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Velvet Goldmine AND Hedwig & The Angry Inch

Further Fun: Facts AND Figures about the Transamerica Pyramid | Wondering what dat music playing in conjunction with The Best Christmas Lights Display Ever is? Why tits the TRANS-Siberian Orchestra‘s ‘Wizards of Winter’ [d-lode WMA file]

Twats sure to be le breastest movie (at least remake) of the ’06?

Camilla Belle vs Water: THE MOVIE
aka, When A Stranger Calls, which finally gots itself a trailer! Note to Sony Pictures: send me an advanced DVD copy so I can have great spank material for January, aka Crime Stoppers Month!

• Belated, but never too late to fork the peace of O’s ho Elrod Hendricks. I remember when I was a lil boy and actually cared about boring things like baseball, I forced my rents into taking me to the annual O’s fan picnic. I was hoping Cal Ripken and his fuckface brother were going to be there, but instead we got bunk-ass journey man Kevin Hickey and Elrod. I was crushed, but gettin their autographs made up for it… considering that Elrod’s mussa skyrocketed since his death from 3 cents to 6!!!

• Cuthbest to return to 24 this year? Only if you trust the werds of one Joanne Weintraub

• Peep the teaser trailer to Mel Gibson’s Mayan mess Apocalypto… 3 to 1 he somehow he blames the Jews for their extinction

• A year later and the good people of Roanoke, VA still aren’t sure if it was Borat who turned their rodeo into a almost stampede… guess dem Red States aren’t big subscribers of HBO

• Gorillaz up for MTV’s Cribs

• 18 zillion people sent me this link, so I guess I should post it: The Chappelle Theory

• Justin Case you missed it on yer internets rounds: He-Man/She-Ra: A Christmas Special

• So I guess I shouldn’t count on potato latkes in the Kingdom this year, eh luv the V?

• What do you plan to do with yer extra 2005 second? I can’t decide between patting myself on the back or patting my balls

• Rotten Tomatoes’ ’05 Bombs List… boviously House of Wax and Domino wouldn’ta been considered bombs had they taken in account the only reviews that matter: OURS!!

• The True Cadillac™ of Bicycles

• wayfaring.com

• Frynally, someone else’s boobies have replaced Tara Reid’s judge hatchet job as les nastiest bazongies in the world [double duhvs NSFWness]

• Lookin for a bigger effin miracle than the sorta special holiday of Chahhannuaakakkakkah? How bout dem Skins who are the NFC’s HOTTiest team, who juss avenged the live abortion I saw in late Rocktober, and who now be mere baby steps away from the pay-offs? So start hittin up Orbitz for early Feb flights to the D, fill yer thIghpod up wit the sweet reggae sounds of The Joe Gibbs Family in the back [via the Dollar], and wipe the dust of yer bumpers, cause I wanna see these babies everywhere!!!

and, yeah, uh, after many a moons of semi-funemployment, I’m happy to report, I is fully employed 1nce again. I hope working under Milhouse’s dad at the cracker factory turns out to be more fun then it sounds

Tis never too late to replace Jane Badler with Falkor’s sis as Dirty Diana in the much over-dooed V: The Second Generation mini series

Then again, Jane does have the word ‘BAD’ in her last name, as in ‘SHE BADDER THAN A BADGER LISTENING TO MICHAEL JACKSON’S BAD WHILE REENACTING THE BADDLE OF THE NETWORK STARS… in BED!!!’

Then again, neither of dem bizatches can rock the 80s AS SEEN ON TV Ambervision sunglasses like my effin DAWG/Brigitte Nielsen in B Hills Cop II liz’ovin/finger raisin in the sun of bitch, Gunther Cunningham!!!!

But it aint no is not for it will never be so cause Faye Grant is the one and only V thighs I’d like to see wide open

• More Chronic in the ’07… somewhere Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg are giving each other handjobs

• Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

• Thigh Master’s Bestest In Movies ’05… coming in early ’06!!

• Why release a second album when you’d be basically killing yer chances of being named Spin‘s Band of The Year for the years 2006 thru 2112?

• Reason #54125672887323222434235426478d3456 not to have children

• Jossip #95 and Stereochicklets #76? If the top three aint Me, Sio Bibble, and Jimmy Smits, I swear, I’ll stop reading USA Today on weekends!!! I means, who else be #1 when searching for ‘side boob’, but NOT ‘side boobs’?

• Old meets Poo at MOMI’s everlasting arcade breastlesnessmanathon… I mean, why bother with this when dere’s this? YER ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LETTUCE BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME!!!

• Shirley sure has a lot of paying to do

• OH MY FORKIN GAWD!

• Blur – ‘Daisy Bell (A Bicycle Made For Two)’ [d-lode]

• Ali G & The Porn Convention [NSFW vid via Juwanamaker]

• I may have to replace ‘Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange!!!’ with ‘Visit Where They Filmed The Intro and a Season Eight Episode of Full House!!!!’ on my list of THINGS I NEED [via Sha Na Na BOOTY]

• I heart the girl wearing the I heart Hashem tee

• A list of all the Snapple caps ‘Real Facts’ [via Don’t Shoot Til You See The Witz of Their Eyes]

• Reason #2354235728757843s42442 why Christmas kicks Hanukkah’s a$$ [via Snopes]

• WD-40 can do it all. I bet it can even cure oral herpes or coulda destroyed Stalin’s Super Ape Men Warriors if need be. And now it’s available in a pen shape! [via Use It Or Lose Its’ Computer]

• Top 5 Muffins of 2005

• I’ll pay someone 5 dollars if they tells me which of dere links on the Lynx list haven’t been updated in over three months. It’s time to do a lil house keeperin’. Note: NONUSHOTTIES.8K.COM DOESN’T COUNT

• New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow [via Brawny Man]

• Oedipus YIKES! [via Pantry Pooba]

• If I’m not avail, you taco Nazi? YTMND strikes again! [beware the garble gabble gaddle flazzle shazzle kizzle hazel navel shaveyervagina]

• And cause dumb doesn’t always have to be real: Planet Fakes [NSFW]

And this post filled with useless links that probably 3 of you clicked on is so fargin icehole brillo pad brilliant that Albert Einstein came back from his vacation from Syriana a week earlier than planned to give me a diploma in geniusness of super awesome smart man thinking stuff things. So if there aint 332234556427776 comments by the day’s end, I’ll never put another NSFW link on this .org AGAIN, EVER never say EVER AGAIN NEVER EVER AGAIN NEVER. Did I mention that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla each gave me a rusty trombone with the Dizzy Gillespie conversion? Oh, and George Washington Carver totally gave me a high five cause I found more uses for a penis than he did for a peanut!!! Oh, and before I go…

IF YOU DON’T NETFLIX THIS BEFORE YOU SEE SPIELBERGO’S MUNICH YOU EITHER CAN’R REED OR YOU SUCK OR YOU ARE AN IDJIOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO DON’T READ THIS SIGHT AND WHO DO VOTE FOR CRAPPY PRESIDENTS AND BLOGS IN THINGS ABOUT STUFF THAT AREN’T WORTH MORE THAN THE MARY WORTH OF THREE DOG NIGHT MINUS THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

watch me or choke
on yer own grundle
And oh, uh, this guy aint no Gunther Cunningham either… although he does kinda look likes him

Brokeback Mountain
Why All The Anal Roaming In Wyoming?
View Trailer

Ang Lee is incapable of making a bad movie. While many of you would qwikly poo-poo his Hulk, I woo-who it, as it is the best comic book movie since the OG Batman… as long as u erase the last 10 minutes of it from your memory where Nick Nolte becomes like super lightning man or something for no reason. Even his entry into the Clive Owen BMW Hire series [d-lode] was moneybags mcgee (which not so crazily, was also home to Guy Ritchie’s last good film [d-lode])!! And what Mr Lee is capable of doing is delivering, time and time again, deeply rich films that explore humanity in both modern and traditional ways, regardless of whichever genre he’s working in. And you can now add ‘gay cowboy’ to that growing list of genres he’s been tackling to a T. Even if yer a homophobe or hate homonyms, you will find yerself falling in love with this story of two men who wish they knew how to quit each other… or prevent themselves from hugging denim clothes in closets. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal both chip in eggsalad work as the two gay cowboys in question. I was so taken by their relationship that I was yearnin to see even mo bucking of the broncos than Mr Lee allowed. And if they don’t do it for ya, the stunning Alberta, Canada background settings, which stand in for GAY Wyoming, will make you pull yer pants down ’round yer cankles, or at least take yer breath away. Gay Cowboys was very similar in tone and style to the only other E. Annie Proulx work to be adapted to the screen, The Shipping News. That wasn’t the greatest movie I had ever seen, or maybe even of that year, but as time has passed I have found a special place for it in my heart. And for my flaming cowboys the same will be true, as I’m sure many days of hugging denim in closets await. And although I may have demanded more pitcher and catcher action, I always have and will always continue to love the boobs.

Recommended for those who like: cowboys as harmless as Hubba Bubba’s Gumfighter, THAT so bestest song from the trailer [d-lode], and Shakespeare’s wife’s bazoombies (NSFW)

Possible Porno Name: The Hump That Broke The Camel’s Back, While I Was Titty F#@king Your Effin Majestic Mountains

Unsatisfied with this? Or maybe yer yearnin for a movie with a cowboy even gayer than these pokes? Netflix Can’t Stop The Music, the gayest movie that doesn’t ever admit that it’s gay, although it’s gayer than Randall Gay, Ben Gay, and Marcia Gay Harden combined!

Further Fun: Lasso yerself some man crotch or play some fabulous games on the Atlantic States Gay Rodeo Association site. The ‘Easy Cowboy Butts’ jigsaw puzzle is a personal fav! Did I mention dat I heart BOOOOOOOOOBS? (NSFW, DUUUUUUUHVS)